[Wondergirl]

they ought to find out about my rotten family sooner or later... they could think it influences me, they could think im like my mother... could they?

Do you act like your mother or other members of your family? I don't know them, but I haven't gotten the impression that you do.

Now, stop kicking yourself. Tell me what I would like about you.

[Wondergirl]

That's why you get bullied. You kick yourself, so others see that and say, "Heck, I'll kick you too." You must throw out tremendous signals that you are an underdog (because of what you call your "rotten family"?) and not worthy of any respect.

So, help me here. How can you project an image that's not an underdog, but one that is full of confidence and demanding of respect?

How can you get bullies to be on your side and even to become friends?

[TexasParent]

they ought to find out about my rotten family sooner or later... they could think it influences me, they could think im like my mother... could they?

Furthermore, you could change your perception of your family problems. Has it occurred to you that your mother might have had a terrible childhood, or abuse from men in her life, or simply made the wrong choices. Rather than thinking that she's screwed up, you could have some compassion for her; and find the good in her, the way she has supported you in spite of her troubles, etc.

In everyone's life you come out of childhood and somewhere along the line you realise your parents are human, and make mistakes, and it's disappointing, even shameful in some instances, but they are doing the best they can with what they've got. When you get older and have responsibilities, some you will take care of, some you won't, and you won't be perfect either.

Time to start framing your mother as something different, someone worthy of your love and compassion despite her problems.

[hertaylor]

1st of all you don't need to dress all hip hop to be cool, just an average t-shirt is good
And don't shoot too high shoot for a nice girl
Not the hottest girl and just make the most out of life and be yourself girls can sense that and will probably go for it

[dave146]

I am not like other members of my family... They are just so wrong. Im strongly against them (not my father) and I haven't seen people from my mothers side in like two years...

I have very little self-respect, as my mother was really quite mean... And I do not really know you, so I cannot say what you would like about me... Im a good journalist, vice-editor of our school paper, successful... Without black eyes, broken bones etc. I'm quite good looking. I can swim 2 lenghts in less then 40 seconds, so I´m quite "sporty", I always keep neat and tidy, Normally I am not rude, when I bump into my mother and she says something, I try to stay calm and say "have we met?", I´m a good golf-player... I have ambitions, I want to go to Yale like my father did... I am good at public speeches... Well that's probably it...

Sorry for the type-os... I have only 12 fingers...

[dave146]

Furthermore, you could change your perception of your family problems. Has it occured to you that your mother might have had a terrible childhood, or abuse from men in her life, or simply made the wrong choices. Rather than thinking that she's screwed up, you could have some compassion for her; and find the good in her, the way she has supported you in spite of her troubles, etc.

In everyone's life you come out of childhood and somewhere along the line you realise your parents are human, and make mistakes, and it's disappointing, even shameful in some instances, but they are doing the best they can with what they've got. When you get older and have responsibilities, some you will take care of, some you won't, and you won't be perfect either.

Time to start framing your mother as something different, someone worthy of your love and compassion despite her problems.

My mother left me, saying that i´m the bad one. She never supported me, had fights with my father over me, she said i destroyed her life and that i don´t deserve ro live. My father said, that she has to go, so she went. When i bump into her, she tries to hurt me again. She is wrong. Its not my fault or anybodys else. Its her. Not me... and just thinking of her makes me cry, so mean that woman was.

[dave146]

That's why you get bullied. You kick yourself, so others see that and say, "Heck, I'll kick you too." You must throw out tremendous signals that you are an underdog (because of what you call your "rotten family"?) and not worthy of any respect.

So, help me here. How can you project an image that's not an underdog, but one that is full of confidence and demanding of respect?

How can you get bullies to be on your side and even to become friends?

So you think I should "turn an underdog into a victor?" like those Phillies did?

[TexasParent]

I am not like other members of my family... They are just so wrong. Im strongly against them (not my father) and I havent seen people from my mothers side in like two years....

I have very little self-respect, as my mother was really quite mean... And I do not really know you, so I cannot say what you would like about me... Im a good journalist, vice-editor of our school paper, succesful... Without black eyes, broken bones etc. im quite good looking. I can swim 2 lenghts in less then 40 seconds, so I´m quite "sporty", I alway keep neat and tidy, Normally I am not rude, when I bump into my mother and she says something, I try to stay calm and say "have we met?", I´m a good golf-player.... I have ambitions, I wanna go to Yale like my father did... I am good at public speeches... Well thats probably it...

sorry for the type-os... I have only 12 fingers...

Wow... you have so much going for you. As for your lack of self-respect it's time to change the recording in your head. Each time you think or feel in a way that is self-damaging reject it and say no; and replace it with an affirmation.

Think of it this way, if you keep telling yourself the same lies over and over because you are comfortable being a victim and your receive some of your emotional needs by presenting yourself this way; but it just reaffirms all the negative things you keep telling yourself and it snowballs by it's repetition into this idenitity that is self-defeating.

The trick is to replace this negative self-talk or feeling with positive self-talk and affirmations; consciously fighting the negative and replacing with positive, even if you don't believe the positive as first. Over time with repetition the positive affirmation will transform you into someone who believes in himself, and as a result you will naturally form better relationships, etc. So replace the snowball of negativity that just keeps getting bigger with a snowball of positive which will help you change your identity and then those girls you are seeking will naturally be attracted to you.

It all starts with changing the recording inside yourself. I know you can do it, you are a person of accomplishment.

[Wondergirl]

So you think I should "turn an underdog into a victor?" like those Phillies did?

Of course I do! And you have a lot of pluses, it sounds like.

Your mom is a product of her own upbringing and is taking it out on you (and others). She apparently hasn't met us yet here on AskMeHelpDesk! Do you want to go down that same road into destruction and screwing up other people's lives? Of course not! Break the cycle!

So what can you do to be a winner? (TexasParent gave you some great ideas!)

[dave146]

Of course I do!

What exactly are you referring to?

[TexasParent]

MY MOTHER LEFT ME, SAYING THAT I´M THE BAD ONE. SHE NEVER SUPPORTED ME, HAD FIGHTS WITH MY FATHER OVER ME, SHE SAID I DESTROYED HER LIFE AND THAT I DON´T DESERVE RO LIVE. MY FATHER SAID, THAT SHE HAS TO GO, SO SHE WENT. WHEN I BUMP INTO HER, SHE TRIES TO HURT ME AGAIN. SHE IS WRONG. ITS NOT MY FAULT OR ANYBODYS ELSE. ITS HER. NOT me... And just thinking of her makes me cry, so mean that woman was.

Oh, your poor mother; the pain that must be inside her. I would guess that your mother tries to hurt you to keep you at a distance because she has her own demons. When we lash out, it's because we don't want people to be to close, to know the real us because we are ashamed. Believe me, your mother judges herself more harshly than anyone on this earth, otherwise she wouldn't have the hate she has inside. This comes from her own self-loathing whether she realizes it or not. When we blame other, like she blames you, it's because emotionally she can't accept her responsibility, she believes it would crush her, she can't handle it; so she pushes you away, blames you, etc. rather than taking responsibility herself.

She is a very emotionally sick woman and I have great sympathy for her, but your father was right, she can't be a part of your life, she is toxic, she is sick; and only she can decide to seek help.

I know you feel cheated of your mothers love which was likely never shown; but love comes in abundance if we give it. Try having empathy for your mother, think of her as a small child that has been hurt and tries to hurt back at anything and everything, etc.

However it is what it is, and all adults at some point need to start loving themselves. Can you grieve the lack of your mothers love, of course; but you need to go through the entire grieving process and when you come out the other end, you will find gratitude in something about the entire experience. There will be anger and I encourage you to express it in writing or out loud against you mother, but not directly to her unless you absolutely need to in order to find closure.

Anyway, start loving yourself I know you can do it; and once you love yourself, then more and more people will start loving you.

[dave146]

I cannot get over her... God bless her for not killing me when I was a baby, but still... Is it normal to hate your own mother? I really hate her, loathe her... I have these dreams about throwing darts at here picture... I wish I could get over her, forget she ever existed... I wonder what's it going to be like when Ill have kids... Will I be able to tell them the truth or just say she's dead? I know its too early for these thoughts but I cannot stop, everywhere I go I have to think of her... If I get a scholarship Im going to Connecticut, if I go will she move there too? Will she be following me around for the rest of her life? Is what she is doing illegal? Do I have to sue her or is it enough just to sit and speak? I am not scared of her and I do not want to have official conflicts with her (NO WAY) but Im just wondering...

[dave146]

And would they have bullies at Yale?

[dave146]

Anyway, start loving yourself I know you can do it; and once you love yourself, then more and more people will start loving you.

How?

[dave146]

What exactly are you referring to?

Oh Im sorry, I didn't get it, I didn't read the quote, now I get it... :o Im kind of embarrassed now, sorry

[TexasParent]

and would they have bullies at Yale?

I don't know about Yale in particular, but I would imagine that there is always immature people everywhere, but in going to college I think the level of maturity and the fact that they are now trying to do something with their education that they are paying for directly or indirectly would suggest they have much more important goals than bullying you.

[dave146]

Oh, hooray... yes you are right, people have more important stuff to do than go and bully people at college...