[nobodyfamous]

I could make this long and drawn out with detail, but will shorten for the reader's sake.

After a mutual decision to be brutally honest with each other, I found out the my wife has been with several sex partners -- too many for her to remember. She says the number might be somewhere around 20. Most of the sex she's had was meaningless, just-for-the-thrill sex. She has a high sex drive, and considered herself a "partier" with a lot of sex, drugs, and alcohol in her past. Only 2 of her many sexual experiences were with a committed relationship partner. The rest of the sex involved: one night stands, orgies, threesomes, lesbian sex, and sex with strangers she met off adult-sex-personal websites.

This is EXTREMELY hard for me to deal with. I don't like thinking of my wife as a skank. But in her own words, she was "easy." She seldom turned down sex, but obviously has decided she wants to settle down and start a family with me.

I know it's said, Ignorance Is Bliss. Does anyone have anything that might help me cope with this unwanten knowledge?

Other things to consider:
She's cheated on my 3 times (that I know of) when we started dating, before we became serious.
After becoming serious, she made a "mistake" with a guy, claiming never to have done anything sexual with him... i.e.. Hand-holding, kissing only.
She's still sexually attracted to and fantasizes about being with another girl.
Since the last "mistake," I've seen genuine remorse, and firmly believe her to be faithful
She's acknowledged her error(s) and realizes that I will leave her if anything vaguely similar to unfaithfulness happens again.

The problem I have is not worry that she'll cheat on me. As I've said, I don't believe she will. The problem is in her wild past. How do I get over her crazy sexual history?

J

[Romefalls19]

All you can really do is chose to accept her past and realize you are with the woman she is NOW and not the woman she was then. That's a hard past to put behind you man, it's going to be hard work but if you love her enough you can do it!

[liz28]

If you didn't know about her past would that make you think differently of her? I think your still holding on to the fact that she cheated on you because even though you forgave it's still in your head and her past just add to it.

Remember the past can't be erase or redone if it could we all would undone our mistakes or take back something. Don't hold that against her and if it's bothering you that much than counselling is in order. Did you two ever go to counselling after her betrayal?

[nobodyfamous]

Yes, knowing her past has made me think differently of her. That's what I don't like. I can't help but feel that someone's past has a lot do with who they are today.

And you're right, I can't get over the fact that she was ever unfaithful with me, even though we weren't serious about each other yet.

Counselling may be necessary. We hadn't even given it thought.

J

[nobodyfamous]

All you can really do is chose to accept her past and realize you are with the woman she is NOW and not the woman she was then. That's a hard past to put behind you man, it's going to be hard work but if you love her enough you can do it!

Yes, I love her immensely otherwise this wouldn't hurt like it does. I do believe that with hard work I can get over it. Just looking for the quick way to peace.

[JBeaucaire]

You don't need to "deal" with her past. You need to deal with reality... today. You are having issues with what you've learned about her past because it sheds brighter insight on the problems you've experienced together.

Now, you're scared. And with good reason. Any psychologist worth his education will admit that historical behavior is the most reliable indicator of future behavior. And you've already seen it.

In most ways, the mind is a machine. It learns what it believes to be "normal" and wants to stay there. Even though you two are "serious", you know full well, by her own admission, that all her old cravings are still there.

And they have nothing to do with you. It is Hollywood to believe that "love conquers all". It doesn't. This forum is overflowing with proof of that.

So what do you do? You can't trust her, she's all but told you that. And you're serious now, which means you aren't about to just walk away, right?

In that case you have to be more pragmatic, you have to live with the reality that she can (and statistically speaking, probably WILL) act on those urges of hers. You can stand guard over her as best you can, but you can't control her. She's going to do what she's going to do.

But keep in mind that doesn't automatically mean her feelings for you are false. She may love you just fine and still hookup one night with someone because she's too weak to resist her urges.

You need to have a heart-to-heart with yourself. You're going to have the unique opportunity to know the devil you have to face before he arrives. You can decide now how (and if) you're going to handle this when it occurs.

People in a real committed relationship can survive anything, they truly can. But only with the right mindset. If you CAN live with this possibility, and later can deal with the reality if it happens, then you two CAN make a go of it together, even with her failings.

What do you think?

[Absolute]

Well, nobodies perfect and through out your lifetime sometimes you make big mistakes.

It happens a lot, there will be times you'll look back on with a smile on your face and other times you'll look back and grimace. These things are normal. There are a lot of things that I regret doing, but I can't go back and change it.

Talk to her about it. Communicate. It makes all the difference. Remember that no-matter what happened to her then, it could be that it isn't her today.

She's your WIFE. Obviously she loves you enough to MARRY you. Love her unconditionally. Never stop. Mistakes are made but not necessarily forgotten. She probably regrets it. Everyone eventually does.

-Absolute

[nobodyfamous]

What do you think?

I think you've hit a few bulleyes. Ok, so maybe I don't (like to) think that she will be unfaithful. After all, she moved 800 miles, away from friends and family, to be with me. And I've seen the fear in her eyes when she recognizes the consequences of committing a "mistake." But, yes, because of her past, I do wonder if a temptation will, one day, be too much for her to resist -- a temptation greater than her desire to remain with me. Basically, I guess I'm just waiting for it to happen. And "it" is more of a realistic tragedy considering the new-found knowledge of her past.

[BMI]

Very difficult situation.

I, like you, have always had a great deal of trouble with hearing a girlfriend's past. My last relationship was similar to yours, only difference is that she did not cheat on me.

I think it hurts because we see the person as more than just a sex object, that they need not sleep around to get noticed because they truly are beautiful people. When they give that away it makes us question why we see what we do in them.

Your girl cheated on you 3 times, that would cause concern for any person in your situation, although one cannot hope to entertain a relationship with the thought that she will cheat again at any moment. Like an addict or alcoholic, you cannot assume they will never quite or stay quite once they have gone sober a good while.

To deal with this is very hard, people will tell you the past is the past or that it is you who are theone at fault for finding fault in her past. I am torn with that argument, I like what you say about the past being a part of the person today, absolutely true in my opinion.

I mean no disrespect whatsoever, but in my own situation I did everything I could to believe this girl of mine was not as bad as she seemed. I asked her about her slutty behaviour in the past and desperately tried to put a good spin on it, when in reality it was just... well... slutty. After time, andafter it was over of course, I came to accept that she was what I thought she was before I developed feelings for her, easy. Do I think she has changed since we stopped speaking, no. Do I think she can in the future, maybe. That's just it though, the damage has been done, once you know the history it will walk with you everyday. I spent days upon days thinking about it and my relationship could never move forward when all I asked myself was why did you feel the need to sleep around and sell yourself short like you did?

Sorry for the long post but it seems we seek the same answers here. I'm sure you are at a later stage with your girl than I was with mine and so your love for her is surely greater than my like for this last girl, perhaps that will give you the strength to fight through it. I could never really get comfortable with the knowledge, with help and perspective perhaps you can.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

You think 20 something is bad, huh? My friend whom just turned 20 has had at least 35 partners.

[plonak]

Ok please forgive me if I repeat anything because I haven't read all the posts..

But it seems like your wife has some serious problems.. it seems like to me that she is a sex addict, something that should had been taken care of before you got married..

If you weren't over her cheating on you, then why did you marry her?

Did you find out about this sex addiction before you married her? Or after? If she told you before then all I have to say is you made your bed now lay in it.. meaning just deal with it, you accepted and married her..

But if you just learned about this now, then I suggest you get some help with this, talk to a therapist and work out the feelings.. it's good that you're on here trying to talk it out.. that's the first step..

Nextly I think your wife needs help, even though she may not be doing this now.. she still has the problem and she could very likely be suppressing those urges and they may come out eventually and she might do something she would regret..

Millions of people have addictions in America and a sex addiction is no different than an alcohol addiction.. You can just stop drinking and pretend the problem isn't there, and not deal with it, because it's going to find a way, any way to rear it's ugly head when you're least expecting it.. good luck

[Raine75]

Although I don't like to openly admit my faults in my marriage, I will tell you a bit that is very similar to your situation. My husband when we first started dating cheated on me with a much younger girl and I "forgave" him, then he cheated on me with his ex wife numerous times and I forgave him yet again... Or at least I thought I had. A few years down the road I started going to college and started acting single again, my husband was a truck driver gone all the time sometimes 8 weeks at a time. I started drinking a lot, going out a lot, and it wasn't long before I started acting single. I cheated on my husband with one of my best friends (female), then twice more and each was a 3 some. I left my husband rather then tell him what I had done because the guilt ate and me and was changing who I was. When I left him I actually had met another man a bit before the separation who treated me like a queen, something I had been missing in my marriage. Anyway, after 8 months of separation from him and my daughters, I couldn't handle it anymore, because I loved him so much, and during the separation he found out about my infidelities and I admitted it to him FINALLY! I came back to be with him and ou daughters, although I lived on my own for the first couple of months. We went to marriage counselling and I was able to understand why I had done what I had done. The reasons, not excuses were because as a child I had been sexually abused for 12 years, so as an adult and drinking, drugs, etc, I cheated to gain back the control I had lost as a child. And of course, I had never really forgiven my husband. We worked through it all, and 6 years later and 12 years of marriage we are doing better then ever, and the thought has never crossed my mind or his again. It's a matter of choice, and if you truly love one another you can make it work. Good luck, I realize your posts are old, but I am new here!

[talaniman]

I have read your posts, and the responses several times, and admit this is a tough one to deal with.

My best advice for you is counseling, as a trained third party can guide you through the process of forgiving and focusing on each other.

If she wont go, then you go yourself, and I honestly hope it helps.

[lisajoe33]

You think 20 something is bad, huh? My friend whom just turned 20 has had atleast 35 partners.

Can I get your friends phone # ? ;)

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

You're sick.

[nobodyfamous]

I sincerely appreciate everyone's input. I've decided to seek counseling.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

Not funny.

[Romefalls19]

Don't worry Beautiful, I gave you balancer

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

Haha that was SO funny! Better?

Next time you have an opinion, don't give a bad rep. Bad reps are for facts that aren't true.

[bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE]

Thank you Romey! Unfortunately LisaJoe33 doesn't know how to properly use this site.

I probably should've taken his bland joke to be funny, but I didn't.