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1927city · Oct 30, 2008, 08:29 AM

Threads merged

Hey guys,

Can I ask for a bit of advice please?

Been on 4 or 5 dates with a nice girl and we'd slept together each time etc - all v casual, and then she got cold feet - felt it was getting too serious etc (dont think it was at all).

She asked to talk and I called her up saying it wasn't necessary, there was no probs, she wasn't obliged to do anything, told her I wanted a casual thing and it was up to her etc. Think she was a little surprised how I handled it tbh.

Over the next few weeks she kept in touch (I had an op and have been housebound) but we went out last night and kissed again. Went back to hers but she said she didn't want to escalate it as she didn't want t mess her head up. Got close a few times, but she stopped herself when it looked like getting heated

Anyhow, she said her ex is back and she had been in contact, but now it felt like she was married again... she seemed pretty unhappy and pissed off with the situation she'd gotten herself into - I tried not to comment too much.

When I left her, I told her not too worry and to think about things too much. I suggested she contact me if she wants to do something and let her know I was out sat night - generally been as relaxed as possible about things.

My question is have I played this right? Is there anything else I should be doing (gettung rid of the ex), maybe be a bit more pro-active?

Thoughts appreciated

Cheers

J

Dragonfly1234 · Oct 30, 2008, 08:57 AM

I think you handled it fine. You're doing exactly what you should be doing, now don't mess it up by over thinking/analyzing :).

1927city · Oct 30, 2008, 02:14 PM

Yeah this is a weird one. I get the impression if he wasn't around, she'd be getting a bit serious with me. As he is, she's messed up and whilst she says she is annoyed by him, doesn't want him around... she probably does to some extent.

I sent her a lighthearted text earlier as been 2 days since we had contact (I stayed over hers) - doesn't need a reply, just laughing at what the wind did my party tent (it destroyed it lol). Will let her know I'm out sat if she wants to meet up I guess

J

1927city · Oct 30, 2008, 02:26 PM

As you can see I'm quite busy at the moment lol.

ANyway, girl in my bar I got quite close to a few months ago. Got plenty of facebooks, texts off her - she has a guy though. She's popped over for dinner, a bit odd (she knows I want to take her out)

Since I've been in hospital with my op and she's started uni again, not had much contact.

However, meeting her 2moro for coffee and she's going to help me out with my love life (see 1 and 2 posts for info if you're bored).

Anyway, any ideas how to maybe use this to my advantage in progressing past this wall I seem to have hit with her!

J

TrueFaith · Oct 30, 2008, 02:42 PM

The wall is her boyfriend you muppet.

Respect that you needy moralisticly challenged doughnut!

1927city · Oct 30, 2008, 02:50 PM

Well yeah obviously... but there is a degree of attraction there to a point. How to amplify it?

Of course, if she's 100% committed then that's cool

TrueFaith · Oct 30, 2008, 02:54 PM

If you go with her.. what's to stop her from going off with the next boy she finds hot?

Find a normal girl that is single.. you have posted a lot.. and it seems to me you are wanting a relationship real bad.

It will come just give it time
And find the right person to be with.

Leave this one alone

1927city · Oct 30, 2008, 03:01 PM

I'm hung up on my ex. However, rather than just get down, better to get out there and have some fun!

Not stressing, just interested in improving... as we should all be.

TrueFaith · Oct 30, 2008, 03:07 PM

Improving. I agree with that

Improving on someone else relationship.. Yeah no Not so good and not so much fun.

But hey if you want to be that guy go ahead.. but know it will come back to you later.

There are many more ways to have fun than to try and get girls that are with boyfriends don't you think?.

I have said my points and my views on how I think you should act.. do with it as you see fit

I will not get into a Circular discussion with you

End of discussion

buymeanewlife · Oct 30, 2008, 03:08 PM

You're right--it is better to get out there and have some fun, but not with someone else's girlfriend! You're still hung up on your ex--do you want to be the cause of some other guy going through that? Think it through.

Even if she's interested in you, she's taken. Respect that, even if she doesn't. After having been left for another guy, I'll NEVER get in the middle of someone else's relationship. Whatever you think you might be able to get from her, it's not worth being the other guy. Find someone without a boyfriend!

talaniman · Oct 30, 2008, 06:05 PM

Sounds like your both on the rebound.

talaniman · Oct 30, 2008, 06:47 PM

After 5 dates your still strangers having casual sex. That's it, Friends With Benefits, rebound partners. It is what it is, so don't get carried away by making assumptions.

See how you relate in 6 months when you know each other better.

1927city · Oct 31, 2008, 12:33 AM

Don't think so, she was very VERY flirty when she was with the guy - I thought she was going to dump him imminently - she seemed so forward.

However, she's still with him and I am happy to take advantage if her relationship isn't going anywhere - however, if its strong then I wouldn't want to try and break it.

Any ideas to gauge - I think there's some interest in me... would be very odd otherwirse?

1927city · Oct 31, 2008, 12:34 AM

Talaniman - I agree

But how to get her more pro-active in the 'relationship'?

lmnotok · Oct 31, 2008, 04:06 AM

How can you expect her to get more pro-active while you act like "heyyo, i dont want any more serious, just being casual, thats enough for me..."
To a woman, this means "yo, red flag! This guy is not into me, BACK OFF NOW"

1927city · Oct 31, 2008, 04:14 AM

I disagree, she knows I like her - I just want casual - one thing I do know is that if a girl says she's not into anything heavy the last thing you do is say, I really like you, lets go out tonight, maybe on the weekend we can do this and next week... etc

Worried Auntie · Oct 31, 2008, 04:49 AM

It seems that the both of you are giving out mixed signals. Why would you sleep with someone every time you go out? Just because things get heated doesn't mean they HAVE to go further. The best thing you can tell her is that you will be there for her if she needs you (if that's truly what you want to do) but you both need to decide what you want out of the relationship. Possibly cut out the heated part and actually get to know each other. There is more to life than what happens in bed. There is never just casual relations, someone always ends up getting hurt in the end.

talaniman · Oct 31, 2008, 05:06 AM

But how to get her more pro-active in the 'relationship'?

Leave sex out of the equation, and get to know her mind, like you did her body. Real dates, and not makeout sessions.

talaniman · Oct 31, 2008, 05:29 AM

What part of leave a female in a relationship alone do you not understand??

Just because she flirts with you you don't have to have your nose open. Have fun with someone who wants to have fun with you, and has no strings attached.

Most girls flirt, to get attention, or make a boyfriend jealous. Or see if they can make you jump through a few hoops.

If she was serious she wouldn't be flirting.

1927city · Nov 3, 2008, 07:15 AM

Hey guys

Seem to be a bit stuck and need some ideas as to how to deal with the situation.

> Dated a girl for about 6 weeks, very casual - all was good. She said she didn't want anything serious - neither did I (although I have warmed to her obviously).

> She then decided that it was getting too heavy and we needed to talk.. I called her up and said that we didn't, it was fine - I wanted a casual thing, but she wasn't obliged to do anything (think she was a little surprised and put out by my reaction tbh).

> We've stayted in contact over the next few weeks and went out on Monday - she said her ex had moved back and was doing her head in (she felt like she had a husband again) and was a bit mixed up. We had fun, didn't dwell on it and I went back to hers - although we just kissed (she kept stopping herself when things got heated).

> Told her not too worry or think too much and dropped her a jokey text a few days later and got a response yesterday - along with a couple of other texts (calling me 'love' and 'hun') - although she said she was chilling when I offered her to join me going to the cinema.

How do I progress this - I am sure she is interested to a degree and I've kind of left the ball in her court - she usually contacts, but doesn't tend to commit to a meet after she's contacted me. I know there's ex stuff going on here - but from what she's said, even if I wasn't around I think they'd split again even if they got back together (which she says she doesn't want). Kind of frustrating as when we meet, she's usually hot for me?

What do I do?

J