[jason andrew]

Hoping for some guidance here - hope you can help.

My wife and I have been been together 11years and have been married nine years, we have two wonderful children, both work full time.

My wife (whom I love with all of my heart) has had two affairs whilst we've been together, the first 5 years ago I forgave her for and we moved on. But now I found out (and confronted her) that she has had another affair, both of these have been with close work colleagues.

My wife had been away last month with our two children at a dancing competition for our eldest child, they stayed a weekend in a caravan with other mothers and daughters 150 miles away, I dropped them off, and again picked them up on the Monday. Whilst away we texted each other told each other that we loved each other ever so much, everything felt so rosy.

On her return I descovered on her phone that exactly the same time that she had been texting me that she loved and missed me, the same message was going to her lover/work colleague. While I know I shouldn't have been going her text messages, there has been a small element of mistrust after the first affair. She stilll works very closely with her first lover (which is hard to except) and does with the second one.

I also found out that she had started renting a house near by to our home and had been renting it for 3 months prior to me finding out, she's since given up her tenancy on it.

She says she is sorry, and that she was about to end the affair, but I feel so depressed; angry; humiliated; don't know what to do.

Our sex life was not the greatest as we have differing libidos (mines through the roof her's is not) we usually made love about once a week (I did & do want it more) but since I found out about the affair a month ago, we've slept together once, I feel like I need reassurances & I'm not getting it.

The loving aspect from my point of view has never gone, I still bring her a cup of tea up in bed in the morning with a hand written love note, before I leave for work, and text hert through the day just how much I love her. Am I possibly going over the top??

Should I give her more time and space? I thought she should be doing the 'running' and the reasuring after what she's just done, but it seems to be coming from me.

Should I cut my losses and run? But I love her and the kids so much.

Lots and lots of questions that I can't answer myself - please help.

p.s. sorry for this being so long, I'm just at my wits end that's all. X

[450donn]

Wow, two affairs and you are still willing to forgive her. What is the true underlining problem here? Don't know, but unless she is willing to seek some professional help I suspect you will be in for more of the same. Please for the children's sakes get some professional help. And for your sake, get yourself tested for STD's.

[jason andrew]

Wow, two affairs and you are still willing to forgive her. What is the true underlining problem here? Don't know, but unless she is willing to seek some professional help I suspect you will be in for more of the same. Please for the children's sakes get some professional help. And for your sake, get yourself tested for STD's.

Thanks for your response. She had some baggage when we first got together, I knew that, and wanted to help her. She didn't have the greatest of up bringings with her parents, no abuse, but not supportive. She was abused once when she was a teenager at a part time job she had, and her parents didn't support her (bastards!)

After her first affair I started drinking, and that did lead to arguments and such but nothing that we haven't got over.

There's not a trust issue from her to me, or a loving issue from from me to her. I know that the abuse will have damaged her, I'm not blind to that. But I don't know what to do for the best. I will always love her, but the lack of sex and comforting etc are driving me up the wall, I am tearing my hair out.

The thought of her still working with these two fellas is also sending me loopy, they do know she's married, and I've even texted & called both of them after I found out about each of the affairs to threaten them (stupid I know - but hey what am I supposed to do?)

Iam I in the wrong here??

[450donn]

Like I said before you both need professional help if this marriage is going to hold together. One party cannot love enough for two. Just is not possible. Please seek some professional help. My preference would be a minister, but that is me, not you.

[talaniman]

What your supposed to do is put her out, and make arrangements for child support.

Sorry to be harsh and drastic, but her deceit, and infidelity, is intentional, so make it her problem, and not yours.

You deserve better.

[EN Ken]

There is something missing in your marriage or else she would not be looking to other people to get that. The matter is a complex and long-winded one to explain, but, in my opinion, if you were properly fulfilling her emotional needs, then I do not think she would be having affairs at all.

I know that is a harsh thing to say and I apologize but that is what the reality of the situation is.

Furthermore, I don't know if you realize this, but your post contains an interesting contradiction. You say that your wife's sex drive is quite low and that yours is through the roof, however, I find it interesting that your wife is the one having sex with other men and you are the one who has not been having sex very much at all. I know the following statement may come across as somewhat offensive, but I feel it must be said. Have you considered the possibility that your wife's sex drive is not low, but that it's just low when it comes to you? A woman will have sex with a man if she finds him attractive but she also has sex, in the context of a marriage, to keep him around. She has sex with you enough to keep you around but I'd be willing to bet that she was having sex often with her lovers with whom she had affairs with.

A woman who is capable of being faithful doesn't cheat because she's lost that capacity, but she cheats because she is not being emotionally fulfilled in her primary relationship and seeks a secondary one to supplement it.

[Mary Jade Skye]

Jason,

There are SO many things happening in your question You sound so confused!

I am sorry you are going through this but you have to think about what you want. Is she the person you want for the rest of your life? Will you accept each additional affair as part of her nature? Will you allow her infidelities to influence you and your children's home life?

HER libido is FINE. Just not with you. Does that make any kind of sense at all? No, honey, it doesn't. She is lying, manipulative, and makes you try to be forgiven for HER affairs.

Whew! This woman has got it going on, and it is going on right in front of your eyes!

Stop! Please! Realize that something must be done. Go to counseling, if she won't go with you, go alone! You both need help but it is VITAL that you get some help to help you decide if this is what you want for now, for the kids, for forever.

[KalFour]

Hi Jason.

As others have mentioned, professional help such as couples counseling sounds like a good idea at this point.
But otherwise... I honestly think you're letting her get away with treating you this way. If she's cheated once, it's not forgivable but it can be let go in time. But cheating twice! It gives her no right to your trust!
No matter the problems in your relationship, cheating is never OK. If she's needing something more than what your relationship has to offer, she has two options: Either sort it with you or end it.
She's chosen neither. Instead she's taking you for granted and showing no commitment at all.
Suggest couples counseling so that you can sort out your issues, but DON'T pander to her, and DON'T let her think she can be completely forgiven or that she can get away with it. Make it clear that your trust and respect have to be earned.

If things don't work out, I would fully understand you hating this woman. However, as you have children, remember to put them first. Don't let them be dragged into the problems between you and your wife.

Take care,

Kal