[RMECK86]

My father and my mother divorced when I was 11 and my dad remarried 2 years later to a woman he always had relationship problems with and dated for only 3 months. One day I could tell he was upset and while we were talking he asked me what to do because he was thinking of leaving her, and it blew me away because the next day he proposed to her! I tried living with them, but she was really controlling and an emotional wreck most of the time and her niece lived with her (she was a piece of work). I decided to move 4 hours away to live with my mom when I was 14 then 1 year later my mom moved back the area where my dad lives. It was harder being close to them because they wanted me to visit more, and it seemed that the more I visited the more I bothered her. I had also received phone calls from my dad on several occasions where he tells me that the next time I come over don't do this or don't do that because he had to hear about it from her all night. About 3 years into their relationship they adopted my step-moms niece's twin boys. (My dad is now 52 with 2-4 year old boys) He always leaves her for short amounts of time, and has moved in with my brother for a period of a week, stayed at my aunts house on several weekends, looked into renting an apartment, and just yesterday said that they were finally getting a divorce and that he has a realiter looking for a house for him, but now today, he said the divorce is off. To be honest, I want to support my dad, and every time he leaves I try to say as little as possible, and usually just say that I'm excited for him, and that I hope I can see him happy again. But honestly I'm just getting sick of hearing him complain about her, and then go right back. I don't know what to do or how to feel about it. I wish he just would keep it to himself. He supports a lot of people in her family (My step-grandmother has an in-law suite at his house and a condo at the beach that he pays for 100% but refuses to watch the kids for him, he's raising her neice's children, and he's told me that he's taken me and my brother out of his will because there's nothing left after my step mom and his new kids get "their share") Bottom line is that my step mom has taken control of my father, and I can't bare to get my hopes up about him leaving her every 4 months. Any adivce on coping and why he goes back on decisions to leave her so quickly is greatly appreciated.
(PS I'm 23 years old now and have been hearing about their marriage drama for almost 10 years, and I'm sick of it!)

[drew8771]

I don't know about being 52 but I do know about being in love with a crazy woman. No matter how much you hate her and want to leave her, when she begs you back your heart gets soft again and you forget all the bull. Its like a vicious cycle. Also take in mind that he's 52 he doesn't exactly have a lot of time or opportunities to find another woman.

[DoulaLC]

Some people just don't like the idea of being alone so they either stay in a relationship, or continue to go back to one, even if it not the best thing for them. I gather he has been married most of his adult life, so perhaps the thought of being on his own is unsettling. He probably knows he should leave, and no doubt wants to, but another part of him is having a difficult time making that break.
He may, in an odd way, find comfort in the drama as well. Maybe he feels a sense of obligation. Maybe he is hoping that "just this last time" things will be better. It could be for a number of reasons. People stay in relationships longer than they should for many different reasons.
Have you asked him why he goes back? Why he seems to be finding it so difficult to break free?

[RMECK86]

Turns out I talked to him last night and he told me everything. Which only seems to further twist and complicate the entire situation.

He said he really does love her, but ever since they adopted the kids (they adopted them as babies and now they are almost 5) that she's had bouts of paranoia and anger lasting weeks or months where she's convinced that my father is sexually abusing their children. The children have never said anything about being abused, nor do they fear their father or seem in any way disturbed. If anything, they behave better when it's just him around, and she's away. They've gone to counceling and the psychologist said that "his wife will never trust a man". And that he doesn't believe my father is abusing the children. And in no way would I say that my father is in any way capable of something that twisted. My brother and I had nothing but a healthy childhood when he and my mother were together. Sadly, I am even more afraid for him now. I don't want to see this woman drag his name and sanity through the mud. I told him that she should probably seek counceling, but she wants to put their kids in counceling. A bad situation just seems to get worse. I wish I knew what kind of advice to give him

[DoulaLC]

He AND his wife went to counseling and the doctor said "she would never trust a man" and he didn't feel your dad would do these things? Any idea what she said to these statements? If she refuses to go, or doesn't think she needs to, he might go on his own while he continues to encourage her to join him... but he also needs to consider the possibility that things won't change and how he might want to deal with that possibility. I hope he can find a way to make things better for all of them but in the event he decides it just isn't going to happen, he needs to be documenting everything in the event he needs it in any divorce proceedings.

[RMECK86]

Thank you very much for your input, It's very valued, and refreshing to get an outside opinion on all of this, I'm going to try to encourage him to do as much as possible to ensure his name is clear, if and when they get divorced. She seems unstable, and hopefully he'll convince her to speak to a professional. I'll just have to hang in there and be as supportive as possible.