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xaque · Oct 23, 2008, 02:30 PM

Ok guys and gals, I've done the impossible and gotten my ex back! My problem is that I am jealous and insecure, and I know that I will push her away again with this behavior. I'm always playing 50 questions with her and looking for inconsistancies. I know this probably drives her crazy. I also know that it is unattractive and seems to have caused her to lose respect for me. I feel like she has gotten the " I've got him where I want him" attitude. How do I flip the script and get that attitude to go away? How do I get her to respect me again?

inertia · Oct 23, 2008, 02:38 PM

Stop caring...

bigbird213 · Oct 23, 2008, 03:06 PM

Not quite the way you expected it would be... is it?

First of all, I think that you need to realize that the feelings your having about her are just projections of how you are really feeling inside. Insecurity and jealousy are large problems that don't have a simple fix... It takes conscious effort and determination to address these problems - as they are likely deep seated...

Perhaps it is the fact that she left you once and you are afraid that she will do it again. It might be an issue that you are just not capable of forgiving. I think that it comes down to accepting what happened in the past, and moving on past it. Otherwise, you are right, you will drive her away..

By "getting her back", you are accepting the fact that what happened happened and you are agreeing to move on beyond it. Perhaps this is something you didn't realize when "getting her back".

I don't have much for advice about how to stop acting the way you are, but I do believe that it is related to what happened. There isn't much you can do at this point but make the decision as to whether you can handle what happened and move on from it or not...

ylaira · Oct 23, 2008, 03:25 PM

Why you are insecure?

kctiger · Oct 23, 2008, 03:28 PM

Did she date someone after you guys broke up last time? What exactly are you questioning her about?

snowalps · Oct 23, 2008, 03:30 PM

You put up questions which means there are things unexplained and unanswered rolled over from the time you were with her before. If this is so, to an extent I would advise you not to stop putting up quesitons so that they are sorted and they don't lead to another drift between both of you... things should be clear so you know what each of you likes or dislikes.. it could be a habit or actions or irresponsibe behaviour, whatever.

But of course, don't put on 50 at a time, make them slow and change the topic yourself to relax the mood.

Try to put up an attitude that tells her that if she takes it easy, you take it super easy; try to imbibe that irritation in her so that doesn't get the answer she would have normally got from you... show her that you care only as much as she does, not a pinch more.
Dude, hope you are getting my point.
Take care and make it a man thing- it's the guy that the girl should follow and never the other way round... just like its in salsa.. make it happen dude and you certainly can if you try.
Tell me if this makes you feel the way you wanted to.

xaque · Oct 23, 2008, 03:49 PM

I've been hurt before.

ylaira · Oct 23, 2008, 04:09 PM

By someone else prior or this girl?

JBeaucaire · Oct 23, 2008, 04:22 PM

I got a flat tire once, now I never want to drive.
I stubbed my toe, now I won't walk anymore.
Someone told me a lie, now I disbelieve everything I hear.

Any of that make the slightest bit of sense to you? No? Of course not!

Of course you have to refer to your past experiences in understanding how to deal with your present, but you refer to YOUR behavior, not previous girlfriends'. People always get this backwards.

The trick is to not repeat YOUR OWN mistakes with new girlfriends, not apply old girlfriend's mistakes to new girlfriends. That's just nuts.

You were hurt before. Fine. Now, what did you do in that previous relationship to make the pain of that betrayal worse than it had to be? Think about it. Did you ignore warning signs? Did you act weird in ways that pushed that girl away? Did you overreact to things? Did you put stuff on her that was your responsibility? What? What did you do wrong?

Once you can answer those questions, then you know what to do better this time. STOP thinking of previous girl's behaviors as if they had any bearing on this girl or any other. The ONLY truly common factor between your last relationship and this one is YOU.

Now, shake off the inquisition, work on BEING a good boyfriend, not trying to verify SHE is a good girlfriend. Keeping your eyes open will answer that question. You don't have to pry.

BE a good boyfriend. That's all you have the energy to work on anyway. So far, how are you doing? I bet not so well. Get back to work.