[jess86]

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now, but recently he has been randomly saying things that are hurtful, he just throws things in when we are having a good conversation. The latest incident is a few days ago we were talking fine and he mentioned he felt smothered I was shoked because we talk once a day, he is currently in Iraq. Every time he brings something up that is bothering him I try and have a conversation about how he is feeling and he just says never mind I'm asking to many questions so he just wants to drop the subject. He said it's weird he can't explain how he is feeling smothered but he does a little. When he was able to call me, I asked him more about this and he ended up saying, once I move in with him he would like to have some alone time with himself for a few hours, just to go out and not have me worry where he is. I normally wouldn't care where he might be going but he has a history of cheating, he had a wife and was sleeping with 3 different women. I am thinking about getting out of the relationship with him since he cheated on me also while he was home on mid tour, he slept with a few differnet people, but I'm not sure how to go about that please give me some advice.

[Wildcat21]

He is in Iraq and he said you're smothering him? How the do not smother him here then

Sounds like you don't trust him - not good.

SOunds like he doesn't respect you - not good.

Unfortunately, and we see it every week here almost, when some goes to Iraq/military - they change. They change a lot - you have to be prepared for this.

As I always - say - and you must understand this - once a cheater, always a cheater.

I'd just cut off all contact. Send him an e-mail and say it's just best if you gave it a break.

[Wildcat21]

BTW - those few hours he needs 'alone'. YOU KNOW what he will be up to.

I have a feeling ghe is probably talking with someoen else... which it sounds like.

[valinors_sorrow]

Wow, maybe you should read your post again. The answer is right there. He wants out and doesn't know how to do it without losing you completely. Let him string some other girls along until they get really hurt. Honest, honorable men (women too) do not act like this. They say things like "let's NOT be exclusive" and "let's date each other AND other people". They make a clear distinction between dating and being in an exclusive relationship.

So don't just be thinking of getting out, get out. Don't look back. And do something to improve who you date in the future. Be one of the honorable ones who knows the difference between dating and exclusive relationship. Then expect the same in return.

Thanks for posting and I hope this helps.

[jess86]

I def agree with what u said, it does sound like he wants out, but if he does why does he keep me going like he still loves me, when I talk to him about things and he see's it upsets me he says I'm sorry baby I love you, I don't like hurting you. I know what I have to do, it sucks though.

[CaptainForest]

He is probably feeling guilty, or trying to keep you on a string. Have his cake and eat it too.

I agree with the others, its time to dump him and move on.

He will only cheat on you again and again and again.

[jess86]

I'm going to be doing that, something I don't seem to get though, is why when I have gone out of my way for him on more than one occasion does he feel like he has to cheat, I don't get why men cheat, why not just dumop the person and screw around or do whatever he is going to do? I like to say that if the thought of cheating ever crosses your mind then your not with the right person. Oh well this is a losing battle with him, I'm done. Thank you everyone for all your responses, it all helps.

[CaptainForest]

He can cheat, play the field, but if it doesn't work out with the other girls, he always has you to fall back on.

[valinors_sorrow]

He sounds conflicted, maybe wants it both ways, maybe he's not sure which way to go and so drives foolishly down the middle of the street? If he wasn't such a cheater, I could easily offer that kind of benefit of the doubt and advise you to give him some time.

But I have to tell you upon hearing his track record, I think to myself "oh my my, that is just a cheater's usual shuck and jive!"

Here is an anatomy of a cheater: Take my sociopathic brother who is very very clever at telling the ladies exactly what they want/need to hear. He preys on their inability to ask the hard questions. In the long run he gets away with all kinds of shinola before hurting her badly enough for her to finally end it. By then he just moves on to the next one, which he usually has waiting in the wings for when his present one finally goes belly up.

The wreckage in his wake is astonishing and when I asked him about it... he justifies that the ladies were asking for his help, they needed a boost in self esteem! That is almost laughable if it weren't for the bankrupted hearts in every single ex. And the fact that they all were low esteem women to begin with.

Just his seven ex-wives alone could make one hell of a Dr Phil show! I have known some really sick people in my time and I am grateful for they have taught me a lot. Most of them were my biological family. And I was more like them at one time too.

I have one question for you to think about, if you even want to answer it here (which you might not) and here it is:
What is it about you that makes you attract/deserve a guy who is almost certain to continue cheating on you?

It is important to answer that just for yourself, because there are more out there like my brother (both male and female - to be fair about it) than I sadly care to count and you may likely attract another, if you don't know that answer.

[talaniman]

:cool: :confused: Just a question, After 6 months and you knew he was a cheater to begin with what was the fascination with this guy? I don't understand.

[Krs]

Once a cheat always a cheat...

Besides you said yourself - he said he slept wait a FEW people...
That says enough!
Get rid of him!
I don't even know how u can even give an inch of trust to someone like that

[Wildcat21]

People want what they can't have - she can't totally have him. There lies the attraction for the most part. Probably the sex. Then not being with someone.

WAY too many red flags here. There is not a person you ever want to be with. You seem like real sweetheart and don't deserve a loser like this guy.

[talaniman]

Wildcat -You just answered my question of why women put up with those losers!

[Wildcat21]

I don't get it either... for some bizare reason, women stay glued to guys who cheat on them... seen it so many times. And then they try and justify it.

[jess86]

To answer the question that was asked, I think what might make me attract a guy who is almost certain to cheat on me is, not that I think oh I'm going to be with this person because he is like this, it seems like the pattern that has been happening is they are so nice and fun when I first meet and start dating them, then they turn to complete jerks, such as cheating or being mean and hurtful or even controlling. Its not that I deserve these kind of people either, but I guess I try and give people the benefit of the doubt, with this last guy I'm dating this totally took me by shock he was so different from anyone I dated before, because he actually took interest in my life, and he was there for me in some real tough parts of my life, but then I found out or actually he confessed and I felt like my world just feel apart, I gave him my heart and all my trust and he abused it, like he can do anything he wants and he's god to everyone kind of attitude. I believe that things that has happened to me my whole life attracted these kind of people into my life without me seeing it at first. Growing up I have been in foster care because my mom started abusing me and that stemed from her peranoid schizerphrenia, even in the foster homes I was abused more than I was when I lived at home, then I got depressed and got a eating disorder from my insecurites. A little backround, where I don't think it helped me make good choices on people I associated myself with is, when I was in 6-7th grade I was 137 lbs and I had no friends I always ate lunch by myself, but when I started starving myself then all of a sudden I started having friends and people were becoming interested in me, but once I started dating people I was in all the wrong relationships and got into bad situations with people, but as I saw that I started making better choices, this last guy just took me by total shock though. To answer another question that was asked, why after 6 months and I knew he was a cheater what was the fascination, the answer to that is, the whole 6 months I did not know he had been cheating, I was told about a month or 2 ago by him. But believe me since then I have had serious considerations about getting out and it is still in progress of me ending it right now.

[jess86]

Your right women try and justify why men cheat and for those women who also do, I believe I have tried to justify why he did because it hurt so much to think he had to go and do that, also because I thought before I did something to get that reaction from him, but I'm starting to realize it has nothing to do with me, its just that he wants to know he's in control. Correct me if I'm wrong please.

[talaniman]

Jess-Glad your seeing things with your head and not your heart! Your right it is seldom about you when you run into the kind of people who use and control others. That is why it is so Important to not just jump into these relationships to fast. It takes time to see how another is and what motivates them (1 and a 1/2 YEARS in my opinion) and after 6 months can you really know some one. The head says NO, The heart says "who cares I'm in love". Then we give others the power to lead us where ever they want. We all need love, but you have to know what it is before you can say I LOVE YOU,:cool: :)

[kp2171]

I wouldn't spend another minute on this person. Whatever great attributes he might have, whatever it was that kept you there... this guy has too much baggage and is too selfish to be committed.

If you continue the relationship you'll have no reason to be upset or surprised when it goes sour.

Don't waste anymore time or energy on a person that plans on giving you so little.

[Myth]

Ok I just feel the need to point something out here. I may be way off base but I don't think I'm too far off on this one. If this guy can call you every day while he's in Iraq then chances are he can get off base where he's stationed and is already cheating again. He feels guilty that he is and tells you these things so that you won't know or figure out what he's doing. I would totally get rid of this guy and everything that he's doing to you. It's not healthy for you emotionally or physically? What happens when he gives you some disease and doesn't know when, where or who he got it from. The military changes people and not always for the good. I would get out while you can and chalk it up to a lesson learned.

[JoeCanada76]

Self Explanatory.