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cadillac59 · Oct 22, 2008, 06:58 PM

Any suggestions on dealing with an angry ex-wife? Mine is very hostile (only communicates by email) because she knows I'm gay and that I lied to her about it in the past. She found gay porn once on my computer and said she was "shocked" -- I told her it must have gotten there by mistake. She found out about a guy I was seeing once and asked, "Is that your gay lover?" Once she asked me flat out, "Are you gay" and I lied and denied it. But now she knows the truth and is really mad.

What's the best way to approach it? Just say, "too bad, get over it"? Or, "sorry"?

Fr_Chuck · Oct 22, 2008, 07:07 PM

Besides to work out a divorce, why are you even talking ?

cadillac59 · Oct 22, 2008, 10:21 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Besides to work out a divorce, why are you even talking ?

We have kids together so we have to talk and also there are money issues.

Clough · Oct 22, 2008, 10:43 PM

Hi, cadillac59!

Since you mention that she is your ex-wife, I would assume that to mean that the two of you are divorced. Would that be the case, please?

Thanks!

cadillac59 · Oct 22, 2008, 10:46 PM

Originally Posted by Clough

Hi, cadillac59!

Since you mention that she is your ex-wife, I would assume that to mean that the two of you are divorced. Would that be the case, please?

Thanks!

Well ex in the sense we are not together but going through a divorce.

Clough · Oct 22, 2008, 11:02 PM

Thanks! I would assume then that the two of you are legally separated. Would that be the case, please?

cadillac59 · Oct 22, 2008, 11:04 PM

Originally Posted by Clough

Thanks! I would assume then that the two of you are legally separated. Would that be the case, please?

I don't know what you mean by "legal separation."

neverme · Oct 22, 2008, 11:05 PM

Hi cadillac,
I don't mean to be following you or anything but giving that you said that you are quite effeminate, she may be angry at herself for not seeing the 'warning signs', and taking it out on you?

cadillac59 · Oct 22, 2008, 11:09 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

hi cadillac,
i dont mean to be following you or anything but giving that you said that you are quite effeminate, she may be angry at herself for not seeing the 'warning signs', and taking it out on you?

Probably so. But the problem is women seem to like for some reason, maybe it's that soft side, or something. I've had women ask me out on dates after I separated from my wife and I have to politely say, "Ah, thanks but no thanks."

neverme · Oct 22, 2008, 11:12 PM

I don't know just thought it myt help...

Clough · Oct 22, 2008, 11:15 PM

Originally Posted by Clough
Thanks! I would assume then that the two of you are legally separated. Would that be the case, please?

Originally Posted by cadillac59

I don't know what you mean by "legal separation."

A legal separation is a court order or written agreement describing the terms under which two married persons will abide while living apart and remaining married. Having such a court order or written agreement is frequently the case when people are looking to get a divorce. If you don't have such a court order or written agreement, then it can make it a problem when you are trying to communicate and work things out, especially if there are children involved.

cadillac59 · Oct 22, 2008, 11:21 PM

Originally Posted by Clough

A legal separation is a court order or written agreement describing the terms under which two married persons will abide while living apart and remaining married. Having such a court order or written agreement is frequently the case when people are looking to get a divorce. If you don't have such a court order or written agreement, then it can make it a problem when you are trying to communicate and work things out, especially if there are children involved.

Well I have to smile at reading this. I happen to be a lawyer and a certified family law specialist in California so I know all about family law.

What you stated was not an accurate recitation of California family law and has no application to me.

Clough · Oct 22, 2008, 11:28 PM

Originally Posted by cadillac59

Well I have to smile at reading this. I happen to be a lawyer and a certified family law specialist in California so I know all about family law.

What you stated was not an accurate recitation of California family law and has no application to me.

It applied to me over two decades ago when I was going through my divorce where I was living. Not having such a thing, or something like it, may be why you are facing some of the difficulties that you are.

cadillac59 · Oct 22, 2008, 11:34 PM

Originally Posted by Clough

A legal separation is a court order or written agreement describing the terms under which two married persons will abide while living apart and remaining married. Having such a court order or written agreement is frequently the case when people are looking to get a divorce. If you don't have such a court order or written agreement, then it can make it a problem when you are trying to communicate and work things out, especially if there are children involved.

Oh, I wanted to add one thing. I apologize if I came off as rude in my last post because I really didn't mean to and you sound like you were trying to be helpful.

Each state does things a bit differently in divorces and legal separation means one thing in one jurisdiction and something else in another. We have legal separations in CA (judgments of legal separation) ; however, they are the same as divorces only that you remain married (on paper at least). They are fairly rare in any event. There is always a date of separation in every case that has important legal ramifications but that's a different matter altogether.

But again, thanks for trying to help!

cadillac59 · Oct 22, 2008, 11:42 PM

Originally Posted by Clough

It applied to me over two decades ago when I was going through my divorce where I was living. Not having such a thing, or something like it, may be why you are facing some of the difficulties that you are.

It just dawned on me what I think you were trying to say. I think you were saying I needed temporary (often called "pendente lite") orders. Those are orders in place pending the entry of a final judgment in a case that allow for child and spousal support, and a number of other things. Yes, those things are often (in fact almost always) essential to moving things along and helping the parties get through the divorce process. If that's what you meant then yes, you were correct. And thanks again for trying to be helpful.

asking · Oct 22, 2008, 11:53 PM

I think since you lied to her at so many levels, she feels betrayed. Yes, I think you owe her an apology. It would be more than "sorry" though. YOu should acknowledge how your actions have affected her, express genuine regret and offer to make restitution. You should also take time to listen to her when she's angry, hear her out and acknowledge her feelings of disappointment and betrayal.

The way you describe events in your post it almost sounds like you think she has no right to feel angry and upset about the way her marriage has turned out. If that's how you are talking to her, it's not surprising she's angry.

Clough · Oct 23, 2008, 12:28 AM

Originally Posted by cadillac59

It just dawned on me what I think you were trying to say. I think you were saying I needed temporary (often called "pendente lite") orders. Those are orders in place pending the entry of a final judgment in a case that allow for child and spousal support, and a number of other things. Yes, those things are often (in fact almost always) essential to moving things along and helping the parties get throught the divorce process. If that's what you meant then yes, you were correct. And thanks again for trying to be helpful.

Yes, those were the intentions indicated by what I said.

linnealand · Oct 23, 2008, 06:36 AM

Originally Posted by asking

I think since you lied to her at so many levels, she feels betrayed. Yes, I think you owe her an apology. It would be more than "sorry" though. YOu should acknowledge how your actions have affected her, express genuine regret and offer to make restitution. You should also take time to listen to her when she's angry, hear her out and acknowledge her feelings of disappointment and betrayal.

The way you describe events in your post it almost sounds like you think she has no right to feel angry and upset about the way her marriage has turned out. If that's how you are talking to her, it's not surprising she's angry.

If I were in your wife's position, I would probably be very upset and angry too. As I'm sure you know, people really don't wake up one day and start thinking, "i'm gay;" from my understanding of things, being gay is something that becomes rather clear at an early age. Without knowing any other details involved, I would think that your wife is very angry because you lied to her. This wasn't a white lie about whether you ate the plums she kept in the fridge; this was something that, in some respects, has taken years of her life away from her, is causing her great pain at this time, and is now leaving her to raise your children as a single mother (whether you have joint custody or not). Dating and finding a new partner is life are probably also going to be harder for her as a single, divorced mother. I'm sure you had many of your own difficulties in handling your feelings in this. As far as I'm concerned, there isn't a thing wrong with being gay, but being gay and consciously marrying a straight woman while harboring your doubts and keeping them secret is. I'm sure that you didn't feel good about lying to her and that you got married because you were trying to hide from what has become, just the same, the inevitable truth of the matter.

In my opinion, if you really want to resolve things as best you can with her, I mean for you to really have the best chance possible with this, I would honestly suggest that you make this divorce as easy as possible for her. If you consider that your being gay makes it impossible for the two of you to remain married, I think it would be fair to think that reason you're actually splitting up is really not her fault. I agree that she needs much, much more than an apology, but at least that's a good place to start. When I say apology, I mean a big one. A really, really big one that explains everything, lets all of the truth out, and thanks her. Now, I don't want to say that you're going to owe her for life, but since you do have children together, and the children are for life, you kind of do. I think the best favor you can do for her, for your children, for peace in your lives, and ultimately for yourself, is to give her everything she needs, to fully support your children, and to support her as much as you can emotionally and financially at this point.

You can't change the past, but it looks like you want to live your life honestly from now on. I hope that things work out for you, for your soon to be ex-wife, and for your children in the best ways possible.

liz28 · Oct 23, 2008, 06:58 AM

How long was your married and how far into the marriage did you realize that you was gay?

If I was her it wouldn't matter how sorry you said you were the damage was done. I would feel more angry towards the fact that you stayed knowing you was faking and the hardest part is that there is kids involve but soner or later she would forgive you and maybe counselling might help her but I hope she isn't blaming herself.

In the end after your divorce get done and for the sake of the kids she will get past her angry but it will take time. The only thing you can do is deal with it and put yourself in her shoes in order to feel her pain. The main thought that running through her head is probably how she dismiss all the signs and this could affect her future relationships.

talaniman · Oct 23, 2008, 07:52 AM

Your wife is devastated by the situation you put her in, and it goes far beyond just the cheating, as you have gone to the basic core of her person, to inflict a terrible pain. Leave this woman alone, as you have done enough harm, and no telling what your kids think, or are going through. The longer the legal stuff goes on, the worse it will be, so I encourage you to do whatever it takes to expedite matters, so she can finally at least pursue her healing, and get peace. You owe her more than an apology.

"I'm sorry" is not enough to repair the damage you've done. At least smooth the way for your family to have a chance at getting closure.

Send a generous check regularly, and leave her alone, until the emotional dust settles.