[seekperspective]

My wife and I recently got married after being engaged for almost a year.

During our engagement we did get into a huge argument about Exes and keeping in touch with them. She still had pictures of her and her ex-boyfriends posted on sites like Facebook, etc. And when I asked her to take them off, she did not refuse to do so, but later she will at times refer back to it saying things like "you made me take off the pictures". It made me feel like I was forcing her to break off something she wanted to hold onto.

At one point early on we came to the conclusion that we will shut out all of our Exes, meaning no conversation (mail, chat, phone etc.) This is the approach I wanted to take, which I thought and still think is very normal (correct me if I'm wrong). But her thoughts differed significantly saying the normal "I spent a lot of time with them in my past and they were a big part of my life, and it would be awkward to just suddenly stop talking to them" or "We have tried out the relationship, have talked and have no more emotions for each other and we are just friends now" sort of phrases.

Even after coming to a verbal agreement of shutting Exes out, I find signs that she is still talking to them on several occasions. I would confront her without beating around the bush and ask her for the truth. She will lie to me and say that she hasn't or that she forgot that she has (a blatant lie anyways). I understand she was most likely lying because she thought that would hurt me the least. When I show her proof, she would just get mad at me and would not take any of it from me (all doors seem to be shut at that point). At that point, all I can do is ignore the fact that is happening.

One thing to keep in mind is that I do trust her in the sense she's not going to have any sort of physical relationships with them again. But at the same time, I can live without them popping up in our lives from time to time. In the early stages of officially being bf/gf, she introduced me to one of her Exes (who she called a friend). She was taken out by him while he was in town for dinner which was already planned before I met her. I met up with them afterward that night. And later she told me that she dated him and she called him to come into town because she was lonely. That's the sort of thing I don't want to be dealing with moving forward.

I understand that the thing that is going to get me through this faith and trust. But there were a few times already that she has broken that trust to a certain level. Granted we were not married at the time, but during our engagement she's lied to me about such things as having credit card/school debt (Now I've realized she doesn't have the greatest credit score which will in turn affect both of us), smoking after she's told me she's quit (I guess she didn't know that I can taste it when I kissed her).
Very recently, her email account was still logged on my computer so I ran a search of one of her Exes. I find a chat but didn't open it but instead saved it. I confronted her about that and she just got mad. I know I'm not supposed to be looking through her stuff like that, but all I did was a search without reading the material. I told her that I will send the saved file for some others to read and have them tell me if it's alarming, but she told me to just read it myself. So I did. And it turns out that they were not only in touch, but they had set a time to meet for coffee while I was gone and that she was going to call him using her friend's phone so that she won't leave any tracks. So everything is going behind my back. From my perspective, I just want her to be upfront and at least honest with me.

I just wanted to hear different thoughts from different people before making any sort of judgment. I love her, but sometimes I just get lost in what I am supposed to be doing.

It may sound like just plain jealousy or insecurity at this point, but when do I really need to be alarmed? What do I need to look out for?

[4answers]

I straight away see to sides to this !

Firstly a question for you, do you have family members and friends that you have been on holiday with and have fond memories of ? Do you have pets that you have fond memories of... Is the answer yes... Surly not ! I mean you had a life before you met your partner, a life of good time and bad. Good memories and bad. People who you either used to know or still do that whilst you like them there are traits about them that you love and hate... Surly not, would this not just make you human!! No that can't be... Your life did not exist before you met your partner ! In any way maner or form, you have not loved before - lost before... Get a grip on your jealousy ! Accept reality before you push the woman directly into the arms of another!!

Secondly - I can't be the person that I am, I can't do what I would normally do, speak to who I want. Go out when I want... The only way to stop these things being an issue is to lie about them...


You probably don't want to hear this and will probably disagree, I suspect your expecting responses condeming her actions not yours... But is is your possesivness and jealousy that is causing or exaggerating this... Be careful or you will push this woman away.

Ever heard of the phrase I am here to love you not to judge you... She is sleeping with you not her ex's!! Reality check...

Good luck in sorting out your issues...

[Bonnie46]

RED FLAG!! She lied during the engagement about debt?? Oh christ. You're in for a big battle my friend. Exes (any contact whatsoever) is NOT allowed. It's not normal and she just wants the attention. I would watch this woman like a HAWK. You're not crazy, - your concerns and questions to yourself are legit. If you have doubt in the back of your mind, that's your gut trying to tell you something.

[Bonnie46]

I'm a woman. My husband would not allow this, and I love him enough that if I HAD to meet with an Ex, I'd bring my husband along with me. No lying. No deceit. You're not jealous, you are protecting yourself and she hasn't given you a good reason to trust her. Be careful. Do a trial separation, if she continues to pull the wool over your eyes.

[SimpleguyJoe]

Well none of us really know your wife well enough to judge. But lay a little off, everyone has a different story and with some they had clean breaks with their respective ex's. If you have reason to believe she is cheating on you with the ex's then you can freak out but this is just life.

[JBeaucaire]

There's an old quote attributed to Sir Walter Raleigh that goes something like:

"A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

A more common form is:
"Just because you've silenced someone doesn't mean you've converted them."

Anyway, all I'm suggesting is that you and she did NOT come to an agreement, you argued her into submission and she gave in. She had not agreed, even when she stated out loud she agreed... she didn't.

This is the kind of thing you REALLY need to be aware of if a happy marriage to a human is your goal. You can get your way or you can get peace, you can seldom get both a in house with two intelligently passionate beings.

Look, you're right to want exes gone from the universe. Understandable and common. You're right to express that desire to her... FOR YOURSELF. And she's right when she says these people are part of her history, a history she's not interested in ignoring, nor is she likely to.

So what do you do when two people have opposing opinions and are both right in their own stance? You love them and act like you respect them. That includes tolerating other person's position. Period. You do it. You don't get hurt by it, you don't act like a baby. You act like a caring, committed mate.

If you can't see and appreciate the difference between being an ex boyfriend and being a HUSBAND, you can't understand her side. And if she can't see that there's a difference between remembering exes and making montage shrines to them on Facebook, then she can't / won't understand your side at all.

You two need to understand each other. Completely. Then you need to discuss this again like loving, calm people who put each other FIRST instead of your own stress buttons.

I could go on... but you get the point.

[Romefalls19]

Bonnie I disagree, contact with exes is not allowed? Who is anyone to tell anyone who they can and can't have in their life? Any time you start dictating the others life it's not going to end well. I had a past life before I met my fiancée, should I stop talking to people because I am embracing my future? I keep in contact with a lot of my exes and all we do is talk. It is possible to be friends with an ex and have it strictly be that. It's not quite the ordeal you are making it out to be.

I agree that she has lied and that is a huge red flag, he also shouldn't try telling her who she can and can't talk to. Relationship is about compromise, which he wouldn't do. He TOLD her that this is what we are going to do.