[ALEXDAD]

I am in the process of lacating my step-daughters birth mother/family fpr her. I expect to have contact information in the very near future. She had empowered me to make contact and determine if contact would be in her best interest or if we should just let sleeping dogs lie.

I know there ar a thousand questions to ask a birth mother/family before committing to contact between her and the birth family. I am looking for some input from other adoptees as to what questions you would have asked had you to do it over again.

We are very protective of our daughter and want to shield her from any unpleasant /unsavory birth family members even if she is an adult and intend to do
Confidential background checks to the extent that we can.

Are we being too paranoid?

Please help.

ALEXDAD
:confused:

[Synnen]

As a birthmom, I would be absolutely THRILLED to hear my daughter wanted to meet me. However, the other birthmoms I've met seem to split into 2 groups---those that feel like I do, and those that just want to let sleeping dogs lie.

What kind of questions do you WANT to ask? I mean, frankly, for me the big one would be "Do you WANT to get to know your birthdaughter?".

From there, I don't know what to tell you. Unpleasant/unsavory birthparents? What---are you expecting these people to just look and act like they're going to be cruel or demanding of your stepdaughter on a first meeting?

Look... while I know that the state does a background check on adoptive parents, and a home study and all that jazz--it still comes down to a couple of pictures, a book that the adoptive parents make, and MAYBE a meeting when the birthparent has to choose who would make the best parents for her child.

Find the birthparents, run a background check if you must---but have a little faith that the people that chose a better life for her instead of raising her actually CARE about not hurting her, if they choose to meet her at all.

However--I'm from the era of open adoptions (mine is semi-open), and I know that adoptees over the age of 25 are more than likely to be part of a closed adoption.

The best advice I could give you would be to consult a counselor that specializes in adoption, and ask what he or she has to say.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, I think that you need to first find out if they want to meet her, some will, some will not.

I am not sure that I would not use a third party, someone not related at all to do the first meeting.

Beyond that they could exchange letters ( monitored ) so they can find out more and see if a meeting will be of any desire.