[Krs]

I have been in a 4 year marriage and a total of 9 years with my man.

I have been feeling like my husband is slowly really losing interest in making an effort towards me for the last few months. Emotionally really not sexually.
Few examples:-

He doesn't compliment me really anymore.
If we are out with friends he takes pics of our friends and hardly ever of me. He sometimes sleeps on the sofa all night, wakes up, comes in bedroom to get changed and he just goes to work.
He doesn't look at me with those eyes anymore. Usually for our anniversary he always buys me flowers - this year I didn't get flowers. Ok I know he didn't have a lot of monet but I think if you really want to buy something for someone you find the money somewhere :(

Its these little things that are hurting me. If I try bring it up he says I'm being silly. Am I?

Before he always treated me to little gifts now nothing. Since we got a mortgage I understand it can cause a strain financially and with both our salaryies we are still kind of broke.

I inherited some money a few years ago. I invested some and kept some aside for me and husband to enjoy.
FOr example, I pay for take-outs, or a night out with friends. I treat him to a few clothes and also for myself.

I don't feel appreciated. He says thanks, but I feel its effortless.

Im so confused. Not sure if um making a big deal out of nothing or what.

[Krs]

Test

[Clough]

Hi, Krs!

I haven't seen you around here in awhile. Welcome back!

No, you're not being silly by trying to communicate about something with him that is important for the both of you. He is the one who's being silly.

Have the two of you been to any counseling concerning what is happening between the two of you?

Thanks!

[Krs]

Hi thanks :)

No we haven't!

This mornin he did the same. He slept on sofa last night - woke up at 9am. I was in bed awake - when he came in room I said morning - he muttered *morning* and then went to kicthen and left!
So far no call or message!

I don't he understands how it hurts but annoys me also at the same time!

He is usually a lovely man my husband, but he surely suffers from moods sometimes and it kills me and irates me so much.
Stubborn and moody.
He says I'm moody!

[Clough]

Thanks, Krs!

What are some of the things that you say to him when you try to bring up the issue about this, please?

Thanks!

[Krs]

That I feel he doesn't appreciate me.
He is a difficult man to talk to about these issues. When I try talk to him he doesn't even make eye contact and stays silent.

[vexation]

Hello
You love this man - and you love each other
Don`t forget this - people do change maybe this is not about you so much - everyone is entitled to their moods - try not to make too much out of this you know him well - keep taking put your love back into him
Remind him as to just how much you love him
I know a man sometimes needs to be hugged
Make time for each other and most of all make fun in life - bring each other back into the love -- it does take effort understanding and patience

[Clough]

Him staying silent isn't good! Making eye contact can be a problem, but it's probably not the main one.

People can get into ruts as far as how they speak, interact and live with others.

Here's a suggestion for you, Krs. How about approaching him in a different way then you have, to make him think that you have a problem and that he is the only one that can help you with the problem?

Doing so can make him feel really important because he's the one that can help you with your problem. (Even though, he would appear to be the one with the problem.)

If your interested, then I will put how to do it in my next post.

Thanks!

[Krs]

Yes clough :)

[Clough]

This is a strategy for you Krs. You do something different that isn't part of the normal routine between the two of you.

What you say to him is, "I have a challenge that I'm facing, and you're the only one who can help me with my problem". "Would you please be willing to help me with my problem?"

Saying that can put him into the mind-set and subsequent position of thinking that he is the most important because he can be the one who is the only one who can help you with your problem.

From there, you describe the challenge that you are facing, without being accusatory or confrontational in any way, always bringing up the fact that it's your problem that you're trying to solve. You then ask him if he has any ideas as to how to help you to solve your problem.

Approaching him with different words and tactics might do the trick. I also think that the two of you going together to counseling would do some good. You've already been together this long. Things are going to change, in many ways, for the both of you as you grow together as a couple and also as individuals.

If there are particular needs that he might not feel are being met, but might not be able to verbalize about them, then it would be a good idea to ask him if there is something in his life with you that he might also be considered to be a challenge for him because of his needs and wants.

There is a book about dealing with all sorts of situations and people, that I consider to be a must read in learning strategies with how to cope. It's called "Winning Without Intimidation" by Bob Burg. I read it a number of years ago, and it made a world of difference in the way that I approach people in different situations.

You can read more about it by clicking on the following link.

Winning Without Intimidation Bob Burg - Google Search

[Krs]

Right now he came in. He smiled I smiled back.
Anyway I told him you didn't even come say bye to me this morning
He said well I was busy - not in a very sweet voice.

And now.. he told me we are meeting his mum for tea at 4.
We don't have hot water at home and I asked him if he got the battery for the water heater he said he didn't come across one.
I said well how I am going to shower... he well I don't no, you could have bought the batteries yourself you are capable.! I know I'm capable but he is being so sarcastic with me and I thought he was going to try get some himself he even suggested a shop to me when he was moaning, so why coudlnt he go there himself. This all happened with 2 of his colleagues at our house.

What's his problem?

I really don't want to go for tea with his mum and aunt when he is in such a fowl mood!
I know if I don't go with may cause more stress, but reight now I myself don't want to make an effort.
Shall I stay home?

[Krs]

I will thanks Clough

[Clough]

Don't blame him. Don't use any language where the two of you could get into an argument. Present things as though they are challenges for you and see what he says to that.

Please get that book. It will do you a world of good! It's a little pricey for as small as it is, but it's well worth the read!

I'm assuming that it's daytime where you are right now. Where I am, it's the very early hours of the morning. I need to get some sleep! Will look forward to further dialogue with you in the future!

I would like to know what other things you like to do. If you might be involved in any sort of arts activities of any kind, like music, theater, dance, visual, performing, etc. it would help to know that. There are a number of us here involved in those sort of things that are very supportive of each other in more than just those types of activities.

Thanks!

Later...

[Krs]

He got the battery but still is abit moody with me!

[Krs]

How can you change the role in a marriage of the who always makes an effort to clear the air if you had an argument or to send the first text message?

Its always been me.
And I can't do it anymore.. I'm tried of it and feel I'm taken for granted.

Someone told me - someone has to do it in every relationship, she said that because her boyfriend is the one to always make an effort.

Help me

[Clough]

Hi, Krs!

It sounds to me now that you need to be giving yourself a rest period, time for yourself and just chill for awhile! Spend some time with friends doing the things that you like to do, make a change of scenery for yourself, at least for a little while or maybe even tell your husband that you just need some time to yourself - and then do it.

If you read that book, you will learn about techniques that you can use that, hopefully will make a difference.

I'm sure that there will be others who will come along to respond to your post.

[Krs]

Thanks
Ill do my best

[fmucikeked]

Hi KRS

I am a man and just went through this same stuff with my wife and I had feelings to where something was happening, she was like that for a long time and I found that she had turned gay on me I thought it was a stage that you women go through and then it turned to her doing it full time but she started to sleep in the chair and stay up watching TV until I went to sleep and when I first found out I didn't want nothing to do with her mentally or fiscally so now she blaims it on me but becareful and start to check around on things he does from a mans point there is something going on whether its cheating or what.


Good Luck

[talaniman]

You need to take an emotional break. Plain and simple.

Let the dust settle and the heads to clear.

Just step back, let him do his thing and you do yours. I didn't say ignore each other, polite is well worth it, just no pushing or expecting.

Give it a few days of peace, and no complaints, questions, or stress, and see where you both are.

That's the way my wife and I handle glitches, that pop up from time to time.

We stop pushing, and needling, and get busy with our own thing, for a while, just so we miss each other a little.

Doesn't matter how long you've been together, or how much you care, we all can get on each others nerves, sometime.

[Krs]

No effort was made last night. None watsoever!
Althou he gave me a kiss goodbye this morning.
He is a boy and not a man