[zeeniee]

Hi, I need some help and advice. Me and my finace were to be married in 3 months time, we have been together for almost 9 years... everything was going well.. like any relationship we have had our ups and downs... but generally I would say ioverall the 9 years have been good years... we were saving for the wedding and mortgage and so I worked in Singapore and he worked in the UK... He came to visit me last month and I noticed things weren't right with him... I asked him many times what was wrong... was here stressed about the wedding... worried about getting married... was he seeing someone... he denied all... then two days before he was due back in the UK... we had to pay for our wedding rings which were customed made and I just could not do it because I knew something was not right.. he was still insistant we should pay.. but I knew something was v wrong... he then told me in the heat of the moment that he does not love me this way and he has tried etc and now wants to do things for himself.. the next day I accidentally worked out he was cheating behind me.. and has been seeing someone from work... he left singapore back to the UK... a week later I got a email from him, except I think it was written by his new chick (the writing style etc was v different)... telling me good bye and got blocked from Facebook... my ex started texting me once a week to say he will talk soon... butwhen he did- he sounds stressed and I realised its because he is next to his new chick... since then we have not talked- its been a month now... but we do need to talk as his stuff is here in singapore... I just learnt he is comingto singapore to pick his stuff up end of dec- but I heard that his new chick is coming too.. what I s worse is that new years eve would have been our 9th anniversary...

I have accepted the relationship is over.. it has to be.. is v v sad because I do miss him and love him v much... and I don't know how to proceed.. I know I cannot see him in singapore in dec whilst his new chick is here- its just to harsh for me... I also know I will only talk to him.. when we both had a good breathing space...

I would like the opportunity for us both to sit down and talk about what had happened.. for me its important as if this isover I need to make sure I have looked at everything and so when I move on I can with no turning over my shoulder.. the problem is I can't speak to him and I feel that his new chick is interefering to the point where I have backed off...

It's a v sad situation indeed...

[imzz46]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It must be very difficult to cope with especially since you were with this man for 9 years! I think it is very insensitive of him to bring over his "new woman" when he must realise the pain you are going through!

All I can say is at least you have found this all out before you actually got married.

It is best that you find someone who will love you as much as you love them. You don't want to be in a situation where your partner has to "try" and love you.

If you don't feel that you can speak to him when he comes down for his stuff, then my advice is don't! Only do what is best for you.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation! Try to focus on the positive aspects of your life and surrond yourself with friends and family! Be happy and be confident within yourself!

[zeeniee]

Dear imzz46,
Many thanks for your kind email.. it has been v v difficult indeed.. I am planning to cargo his stuff back to UK.. even thou I will do this, I know he will still come to singapore with her.. at least this way I don't have to do anything related to them.. to be honest I do think it is important to talk.. as I found out and guessed about what was happening.. to this day he has said nothing nor given me any explanations.. basically I have been left in the total dark and hanging.. worst still his new woman is well runningthe situation which I think is v wrong for her to interfere in this way... its v hard as I am v close to his members of his family and we have some mutal friends back in the UK and OZ.. As we lived there for two years before we came to singapore... I guess what I need is a kind and respectable closure.. at the end of the day I know I did not do wrong.. and that even now I will make sure his stuff gets back to his mums because well... I have always been kind to him and so I just don't see why I should start being horrible.. life is too short for that.. I do wonder if he thinks of me as just like that he walked out and I have not heard from him.. the few text and email I got was written by his new woman- which is v poor standard... I guess he really must not care.. hard to believe as two weeks before he came he sent me a card telling ,me how he could not wait to see me and get ready for the wedding... it's a good job I did find out and put 2+2 together.. as I reckon he would have just gone down and down and dragged me in it...
I will be okay as I lucky have a good job, good friends and family and most importantly respect for myself.. I never ever thought that if this relationship would end- it would do so in such a ugly, ty way.. its v shocking and I think I will always wonder why this way.. why just not tell me and do things respectable as ending a relationship is as important as starting one..

[talaniman]

I have accepted the relationship is over..

I agree, and after 9 years with nothing to show, talking will not help. Putting your life together without him, and not looking back, is the best way to proceed from here.

Sorry for your loss, but make today the first day, of the rest of your life.

[zeeniee]

Hi talaniman,
Many thanks for your email.. it left a glup inside me thou- as I know I have tomove on and I am actually quite scared.. I know it will be v hard as I do love him v much... everything has happened so fast and we have not spoke for 4 weeks now... I have started moving on slowly, but I feel v empty and incredible sad... I never saw this coming at all... I think your right talking will not help... I guess it's the thought of never seeing him or even talking to him that hurts... my greive in thelast four weeks has changed.. first I cried over the love.. and now I cry because I have lost my best friend- as he was th eonly one I was really ever close too.. we were always laughing and joking all the time... this week has been v hard... it's the not sharing your laughs with someone you have done in 9 years that hurt the most... and finally I guess it's the shock of how can a person just walk out and not feel anything... its v hard to digest all that...

[talaniman]

Be kind and patient with yourself, as of course its hard to fill that hole in your soul, and 9 years is a long time to get use to someone, no doubt.

Give yourself time, and plenty of it, to grieve and heal. You will slowly find yourself, and love yourself.

There is no hurry.

[zeeniee]

Dear all,
I am now at the position where I am in the middle of the road; and I am scared to take the next steps.. his stuff is here and I know he and his new chick has booked tickets to come here in singapore... I don't think I can cope with this at all.. if he came alone then I would be brave and dealt with it... what do I do, at one side I could just send the very personal stuff back and just pay the cargo... but I know they will still come... on the other side.. let him deal with it.. either way I can't find peace... I am afraid that if I send things back his family will be in touch and start asking for more things etc... the way I see it is I was with this person for 9 years.. one day without an explanation he walked out and 2 months later he has not called or contacted me about his stuff or anything he has left behind here.. in singapore we have an apartment under both names, he walked out and did not care.. left me to deal with it all, knowing that I could not pay the whole rent all on my own... the apartment was furnished by us both and has memeories of 9 years in it... unfortunately I now have to live in it for another 18 months before I can move due to mycontract... okay I guess I can work this bit out and so no worries... our wedding wsa planned and paid out by me here in singapore... I had to cancel and loose everything... do this tday he has not mentioned or helped with anything... the only thing he demanded before heleft was money- which I gave him.. but he wanted more- but I could only give him what I had at the time.. seriously I don't owe him any more money... I suppose if he did contacted me to sort things out then fair enough.. but so far nothing...
I think the right thing to do is to send his stuff out of here asap and then all my issues with him is done with.. but I know that will cause problems back home... like but he has booked a ticket.. but he wanted this and that... the truth is, he booked his ticket without consulting me at all.. did not even ask if that time was okay or not with me.. he and his new chick went and made plans and are expecting me to obey them... what shocks me is that I am v close to his mum and to this day she has not actually told him the way he has handled this is wrong... I feel like he and his family really must think this is one big joke.. do they realise how painful this is for me, do they realise that I am left with all the mess... I am starting to feel they must not care at all...

[TrueFaith]

I'm really sorry this has happened you think you would know someone after 9 years. For him to do that is low

Tell you what rent a little stroage place give him the address put his stuff there and be done with the tosser

You don't want him back which is great it shows that you are strong!

I wish you all the very best!

[Dragonfly1234]

What he wants is irrelevant. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING! Ship his things and get rid of him! You shouldn't have to deal with him and you certainly shouldn't have to deal with his new girlfriend. And as far as his family asking you for more things, ignore any request that does not suit your needs. Time for you to be selfish. He has been acting very selfish, thinking only about himself and disregarding you completely, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOR GOOD. You shouldn't have anything left to deal with or worry about it. He made his choice, time for you to work on yourself and your life regardless of his 'preferences'. It is your right to do what's best for you. Cutting him out of your life will only help you move on a little quicker and you are entitled to anything that can help you in the healing process. Take care of yourself, he started doing that the minute he cheated. You have nothing to feel bad about.

Good luck!

[talaniman]

I think the right thing to do is to send his stuff out of here asap and then all my issues with him is done with..

That's the thing to do! Be done with it.

I know that will cause problems back home...

Let him worry about everything else, and tell him get screwed!!!

You've done more than your share. Let him do his!!!

[imzz46]

No worries! Best of luck with it all! And believe in yourself! You are better off without him!

[zeeniee]

Dear all,
Many thanks for the advice and help.. its really help me.. just go and do the thing that needs doing... one good news I have some cargo people coming this Saturday to quote the stuff and hopefully will get his stuff shipped back to his mums... I decided not to let anyone till a few days before and I will just let his mum know...
Another problem - and this one is rather scary.. his sister got in touch with me on facebk- we get along v well- she is 11 years younger than me.. anyway when she send me a message she was about to go to bed, whilst I got up in singapore and she replied so quick.. I told her I feel like she is round the corner and I will speak soon... literally 40 minutes later the new chick left a message on her facebk inviting the sister and kids to dinner one day.. really I find this shocking... I guess new woman wants me to get jealous as she has taken my place.. what she don't get is she hasn't... I have know the family for 9 years and I can't just vanish- even if I want to.. and if they do stuff with the new woman- that's between them not me.. so why keep doing this.. I am think you have the man I love, you have made sure we have not talked in two months... I liove 24 hrs away from a plane to manchester.. you have him... why prove more to me.. and then your comingto singapore of all bloody things- why can't she just leave me alone... obviously I am v upset at the moment - but I have a life.. I have a job and I am up to my eyes balls with stuff... rubbing it in.. Just makes me she how desperate and sad she is... I don't get it because well I am just a v normal person.. I am not great or ugly looking.. just v normal... so I think now you have the man I loved - why don't you get of my face... what's going on here..?

[Dragonfly1234]

She's insecure! She's jealous of you and she feels she can't live up to the 9 year relationship you two had. The more she plays these little games, the more transparent her insecurities are. Ignore it, it's not worth an ounce of your energy.

[zeeniee]

Dear dragonfly,
Thank you for your email and reply.. that's what my best friend told me last night.. its v hurtful.. now she has put of picture of her on Facebook with him kissing her... its not v nice- as everyone here in singapore, oz and uk can see this- all my friends can see this, all my work friends can see this.. his sisters can see this... I saw this last night and died inside but then I reminded myself that well I was with this person for 9 years and so don't worry about it too much.. she is just trying to bring you down and down... today I had a few work people coming up and just asking how I am.. etc and then one in oz saying er.. I don't know how to tell you this but in facebk.. etc.. So ifeel really e.. I know she is pushing me.. pushing me out of all the family and friends we both had... over 9 years.. that is v wrong- she doesn't have the right to do this.. she has the man.. what more does she want?. I can just vanish to mars.. saying that I would not mind doing that right now... what is so hard is that it is like the whole world is watching you... that's like no privacy at all... I just feel so embarrassed.. as my friends see me struggle to come to work.. and get a day through.. then see puts pictures like that up... as you said the water your own grass and make it greener- it is true- despite this somehow I must finish work and go to the gym.. I must do these 2 things today.. and I hope I can do them because today I am finding it just that bit harder to get by... I know when I get home I will cry a lot today, because it is just one of those days where I just can't be v strong.. and then this morning of all things - I got an email from him.. asking me hope all is okay and take care.. this email was written by him and not her and so it's the first time I have heard since sept 6th.. I did not reply to that yet.. I find the closure v hard as I feel I nor my partner had the chance to really talk and ended the relationship.. it feels like it was ended by another person and your so out of control.. your hands are tied... that is not v right- for the 9 years we had we should be able to have that space to do that.. I feel v strangled.. no wonder I find it hard to move on... there are days I move a few steps forward and then she will do somethng and I am back to square one.. I wish his blinkers would open and he can see how hurtful she is being..

[zeeniee]

The shipment is ready to go tomorrow.. I am strugglingto cope.. all the photos , cards everything is there.. I will never see them again.. my head says just do it.. my heart is screaming...

[talaniman]

I will never see them again.. my head says just do it.. my heart is screaming...

Given the traumatic events your going through, of course your feeling are confusing. What you need is time to grieve your loss, and cope with the pain.

I know that after 9 years, it will take a lot of time before the emotional dust settles, and you can see, and think clearly, and cutting all contact with the two of them, in all forms and fashions is the only way to start the healing process. (No more Facebook, myspace, or online ), A vacation, or change in scenery is in order, and some honest reflection, will put this in perspective, as you may realize that you had a lot to do with the way things happened, and have a lot to do with the way you cope now.

I suggest some physical activities to work some of the stress off, and a real plan as to regrouping and rebuilding your life, without him in it.

Maybe you can't see it now, but you will learn, grow, and be much better off, now that he is out of your life, and you have your freedom to get healthy, with healthy people.

Its tough, so be patient, and don't expect to be better without work, and effort on your part.

Put yourself first, and learn to love yourself.

[zeeniee]

Dear talaniman,
Many thanks for your reply.. I know I will need time, space to grieve and start healing... I know not contacting is the senisble thing to do... I am trying to make each day that bit better.. it is v hard.. I make sure I go to the gym and I know have to learn to fill in some of my weekends.. as I always justed worked.. and so I have made sure that I have one thing to do with a person one of the weekend and the other to just relax..

In many ways I say he is gone.. in other ways I am v unsure- I guess time will tell... perhaps I shoul dnot answer this now or even try to.. as I am not ready..

I would like to be happy again- these 6 weeks I have been miserable and v tearful.. I am normally v happy and full of jokes etc.. I have lost all self confidence as well.. I don't know why... but I noticed last week I found it v hard to sit around a group of people.. its werid because I never have that problem.. and these people are my friends.. its like wearing a swim suit in a law office..

9 years is a long long time.. and so this will take time.. and there will be good and bad days.. and I have to put myself first- something I think I have forgotten how to do.. stupid I know... I can't remember when I did put myself first..

I know I love him... the history is big with many good memories... I am not sure how to deal with my heart yet...

What am I scared of.. of waking up one day and finding myself again.. all happy and upbeat... but still feel that empty loss of him.. and deep down even though everything is good around you that one person missing makes you v sad.. what do I do then?

I guess its one step at a time.. I must fix myself first and then worry about the relationship issues... this way I can have better clarity within myself.. and the situation..

What do I do if he wants to talk to me in the next month..?

I feel v drained..
Is the above thinking a good way?

[Dragonfly1234]

Taliman is right; don't go on Facebook, my space or anything where there might be something to affect your healing process. 'NothernNiceGuy' on here tells us about his ex who would always contact him when he was making good progress to move on and tell him she is uncertain about the breakup etc. things to screw with his mind as soon as he was making good progress. Eventually he blocked her emails and stopped her from having any contact with him whatsoever. Recently he even changed his phone number because he realised that this was the only way for him to really move on. It must have been very hard for him to do this but it was the only way for him to re-build a life for himself, in where he is happy.

I know it is hard for you to think that you may one day be happy and completely over him and of course it will take a lot of time, but you do eventually move on, really move on. One day you will no longer want him, you will meet someone new who will make you very happy and will say to yourself that it wouldn't have been possible if your ex hadn't done what he did.

I encourage you to read as much as you can on here, there are many people who are grieving over the loss of an ex and MANY who tell us how they thought they would never get over their ex but DID in fact and are happier now than ever.

Also, I know it's hard but replying to his email will only hurt your healing process. Everyone on here will tell you to have NO CONTACT with him whatsoever. The sooner you cut all contact with him, the sooner you will move on.

You deserve to be treated better than this.

Anytime you need to talk on here, go right ahead, we're listening.

[talaniman]

You can expect it to be rough for a while, as your still freshly hurt. Cry when you feel like it, vent if you must.

This is a great place to rant and rave, and get support!!

Just don't throw stuff!!

[zeeniee]

Dear all, a huge thank you for all your kind words and support... his stuff went for shipping today.. it was v hard to see the ship guys pack things- for I know I will never see the 9 years of photos,cards love letters etc... cried a lot today but I know that sending his stuff back was the right thing todo... I am glad to have done this, rather than wait for him to come and do the packing- I know after what I went through today , if I waited for him to pack his stuff.. I would have broken down to pieces... I would not want anyone to see me this way.. and so I am glad I did this myself... at least now I can start to pick myself up slowly and do what I can each day... if I left this to dec- I would just be panicking and stressing and been v worried about seeing him- as I know I am not ready for this..