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Akumajo100 · May 30, 2006, 03:36 AM

Ok so here is my dilemma,
I really like this girl that I've only hung out with a few times. We hang out as friends and have fun conversations. Every time I see her I smile and I have such feelings for her. She seams to want to keep it on a friend basis but I Want to Date her as a Girlfriend. She has told me a few times she doesn't want a relationship and that's kept me away from asking her to go out on an official date instead of just hanging out. She had a bad long term relationship with some third world ex-boyfriend and now she is against starting another relationship. I don't know what to do? God this is killing me. Please help me? :(

Krs · May 30, 2006, 03:53 AM

Well then...
firstly welcome on board.

Ok what I would suggest if you really like this girl and value her and respect her, leave what you have on a friend basis only. Respect that esp that she had a bad long term relationship.

Don't annoy her because it may just push her further away.

What you can do, is keep going out with her a friend on a regularly basis and let her alone realise that you are different and she herself may then think to start something more.

Good luck

fredg · May 30, 2006, 05:18 AM

Hi, Ak,
I was going to add a comment to the great previous answer, but wouldn't let me, "spread it around some more....". Good Answer.
I agree with previous answer. Keep it on a friend basis for now.
She has already said she doesn't want another relationship right now, so you will be much, much better off respecting her wishes. When you said that, I am sure she meant with anyone, including you.
She respects you very much, and cares what you think. You have a good friend. Time will tell about anything else.
Best of luck.

Krs · May 30, 2006, 05:21 AM

Thanks FredG, tried to do the same and wouldn't let me comment..

valinors_sorrow · May 30, 2006, 07:47 AM

I agree with Krs and Fred...

I would only add that if you read very many of the other relationship threads here, we are often advising someone just out of a bad relationship to stay out of them for a while. Hang out, make friends, and have fun. They really need that time.

So look at the bigger picture and help her, as her friend, do just that. If your timing requires more than that, be sensible and look in other fields.

Krs · May 30, 2006, 07:55 AM

Don't base your hopes up on this friendship maturing to something more, but you never know she may become to learn herself that she may want it to go further, but just don't push her into anything she claimed she doesn't want. Just be a good friend for her and she will truly treasure that, and gain respect for you.

Wildcat21 · May 30, 2006, 08:36 AM

Yes this is tricky. You're in the friend zone.

I think you need to go for it now - and if it doesn't work... move on.

Don't call her. Don't call her after that if she's not into it. Don't return her correspondence either.

talaniman · May 30, 2006, 12:27 PM

What is an official date, I mean your already hanging out and enjoying each others company and getting to know one another,like the others have said relax and enjoy this time and let it go where it goes. Don't you realize how lucky you are already.:cool: :p

DrJ · May 30, 2006, 01:01 PM

IM going to have to against the girls here and agree with the guys lol

... if she is not ready for a relationship, then don't hang out with her at all. Are you interested in being her friend? Or her boyfriend?

If you continue to hang out with her as "friends" you will be doomed. This isn't a fairytale or a movie... this is real life. Girls don't just suddenly realize that their best friend that they have known their whole like is ACTUALLY their one true love.

How long has it been that's she's been out of this relationship? You need to give her the space she needs but if it has really been a long time, that may just be an excuse.

Wildcat21 · May 30, 2006, 01:18 PM

YES!! I hate that movie CRAP people seem to believe in... LIKE in the Movie 'HITCH'... about a dating Guru. The ending is SOOOOOO fake... hope everyone saw this movie, because it isn't REAL!!

talaniman · May 30, 2006, 01:36 PM

I'm still trying to figure out why single guys have to have a g/f and not just enjoy female company? The more the better!

DrJ · May 30, 2006, 01:38 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I'm still trying to figure out why single guys have to have a g/f and not just enjoy female company? The more the better!

Hear, hear!! :cool:

(sorry, no rep to give you yet)

valinors_sorrow · May 30, 2006, 01:43 PM

Hmm, I hate to be so girlish here but that "movie crap" is exactly how it happened with us, ha ha :p

We were introduced by a mutual friend while socializing in the same crowd. We liked each other, hung out together as friends even (gasp gasp :eek: ) and only when two strange things happened did we turn the corner and date romantically. Those two strange things were (since I know you are dying to know ha ha):

1. Each of our respective friends pointed out we were talking about each other a little too much (like that Bonnie Raitt song? :D )

2. When we were done one evening regaling each other with "bad date" stories, the light suddenly went on, almost simultaneously.

You may make an argument that these things are rare, but I wanted to at least go on record that they are possible. It may help to know that we were both equally gunshy from previous experiences. That was 17 happy years ago - granted that may make it seem outdated but some places are still a little more provencial than others to this day. So each to their own. This is the truth too, so help me Cupid!

Added after Doc's comment: LOL, ummm no not yet, I am still writing the book! :p :rolleyes: :D

talaniman · May 30, 2006, 01:47 PM

I don't worry about reps I need answers. I may be old and off the market but "back in the day" how was a young guy supposed to be faithful when there were millions of nice looking young ladies everywhere you went? Back then, who wanted to get married or shack up? It was party time! Doesn't this generation party or are the drugs that good ? No offense but no commitment was like a free pass to love them all.

DrJ · May 30, 2006, 02:50 PM

To V_S:

I knew it was coming when I wrote that... I was even going to say that it does sometimes happen lol Congratulations to you. It is rare... even more rare nowadays. :D

A couple questions...

How long had you two hung out as friends prior to this realization?

How MUCH did you two actually hang out?

And did you REALLY consider him JUST a friend... no romantic feelings at all... during this time? Or were you just a bit shy about your feelings for him?

Either way, you may be one of those rarer cases.

You seem to be a very friendly person. I am willing to bet that you may have had a few male "friends." Have any of those friends, after befriending you for sometime, ever tried to get romantically involved with you? If so, what happened then?

It certainly does happen and when it does, they usually make a million dollar movie out of it! Lol But still congratulations to you! You're like a living fairy tale! :p

talaniman:

Ahhh... the good ol' days... days that many of us have only read about in the history books! Lol

Yes, the drugs are not near as good now as they were then and something like every 1 out of 3 people have an STD... kind of put a damper on the whole thing. Lol

Another thing that I have concluded about that day and age is that it must have produced a lot of unloved children... the females of which we know have to deal with. Seems that while I was out free-lovin the world, there was a stream of love-struck girls following me around! Lol What's even wierder is that these broken hearts lead to a lot of bad-mouthing which, in turn, lead to a "better" reputation! Lmao!

Don't ask me how THAT works :cool:

valinors_sorrow · May 30, 2006, 03:49 PM

Originally Posted by DrJizzle

To V_S:

A couple questions...

1. How long had you two hung out as friends prior to this realization?

2. How MUCH did you two actually hang out?

3. And did you REALLY consider him JUST a friend... no romantic feelings at all... during this time? Or were you just a bit shy about your feelings for him?

4. I am willing to bet that you may have had a few male "friends." Have any of those friends, after befriending you for sometime, ever tried to get romantically involved with you?? If so, what happened then?

Thank you DrJizzle... that's four but who's counting? And sorry I have yet to figure out that fancy split the quote up method but here goes. .

1. Five months from meeting initially to first real date. Everything was slow actually, even kissing, moving in together, marrying. Nice to savour it!

2. It began as maybe every three weeks and slowly escalated so by the time of our first date, it was at least once or twice a week, with phone calls as often in addition.

3. I was initially attracted to him, and yes shy about it, still am a little LOL! :o But I realised those weren't Errm :eek: romantic feelings necessarily AND so I was not willing to act on them. There is a difference between lust and love - it may actually take being over the age of 30 to know that?? I wanted to get to know him. I had been so disasterously duped before. Also I scare easily to this day about people in general (see my intro for further explanation there) despite how friendly I am. I am more than willing to own my trust issues as mine. I have trained myself to go slow and allow myself time to build trust. I was very lucky he was a patient man - most I had dated before weren't. Honestly looking back I can see the romantic feelings began trickling in back in the tail end of friendship stage but my full awareness of them was where I said in that post the light bulb went off. I am not kidding either. BAM!

4. I had and still have many male friends. Sooner or later MOST of those had THAT conversation. Sometimes he wanted more and I let him down as easy as I know how. More of those disappeared, a few didn't! Some still feel it and we joke about it. I have only rarely experienced the "sudden pass" and while those are awkward, we still talk. Some I am attracted to - they tease me sometimes too... discreetly. Most are friends with my husband, but not all of them. It is clear to everyone there is no possibility of cheating. And if this counts, this is all very similar for my husband and the women too. I hope that doesn't make us both from Jupiter!! :eek:

Thanks for the interest and does that add or subtract to your theory? I can hear the scribbling on the chalk board from here! :D

Krs · May 30, 2006, 11:48 PM

I believe its OK to be friends first.. why not! In some cases it works.

When I meet my hubby we were just mates for 4 months nothing else, enjoying eachothers company, going out and getting drunk together..
It worked. We decided to stay friends because he knew he'd go back to england and didn't really want to get involved with me because we wouldn't see each other after he left and same goes for me.
But 1 fine evening we spoke about our feelings and that's where it all started..
So I do believe it can work!

Krs · May 31, 2006, 06:39 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

YES!!! I hate that movie CRAP people seem to believe in....LIKE in the Movie 'HITCH'....about a dating Guru. The ending is SOOOOOO fake.....hope everyone saw this movie, because it isn't REAL!!!

Its not really movie crap!
Why can't a male and female just be friends...
It can work you know!
I know from experience.

Akumajo100 · May 31, 2006, 06:47 AM

It's ben 6 months so far since she has ben out of the relationship.

Krs · May 31, 2006, 06:49 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I don't worry about reps I need answers. I may be old and off the market but "back in the day" how was a young guy supposed to be faithful when there were millions of nice lookin young ladies everywhere you went? Back then, who wanted to get married or shack up? It was party time! Doesn't this generation party or are the drugs that good ? No offense but no commitment was like a free pass to love em all.

I party till I drop ;)
Both me and my hubby...
Sex drugs and rock n roll ;) lol