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aquarian66 · Oct 11, 2008, 12:03 AM

I broke up with my b/f of 1.5 yrs because of DISTANCE 2 months ago.The break up isn't mutual as I only sent an email to him. 3 days after I sent such email, I learned he cheated on me by chatting online with a woman he had a relationship with for 1.5 yrs too because that woman sent an email to me professing her love and involvement with my b/f.He was having an online r/s with this woman also for 1.5 yrs too.Altho they never met but was exchanging I love u's to each other.I was devastated as I thought he was faithful when we were together.Now, I learned he broke up with this woman because he was embarrassed of why the woman let me know of their r/s.My question:Why is it that my b/f didn't contact me and still isn't contacting me until now to ask for an apology why he did such horrible 2 timing thing to me.Or better yet ask for a closure since we didn't talk anymore after I sent my goodbye email to him 2 months ago.Thank you

starbuck8 · Oct 11, 2008, 01:43 AM

You let him off the hook! He was keeping this other women on the line, just like he did to you! He isn't appologizing because he feels it was okay for him to do,. there was no real communication or understanding in your relationship!" Your goodbye" didn't bother him. That should really tell you a lot about his character! Stick to your "goodbye", and don't worry about this guy anymore. If he does this to you once, and doesn't act like he cares, (which is what he is trying to SHOW you about himself) he will do it again to you! LD relationships DO NOT work under the BEST of circumstances. Look for someone in your own area, and someone who isn't a game player! You were playing games with him too here. You had ulterior motives when you broke up with him. You were waiting for him to either come running back, or have guilt. I think it's the first one in my opinion. Go on with your life, and don't play those games anymore with the next guy.

A few more words of advice Don't break up with someone in an email or txt message! That is another indication that you didn't have good communication to begin with, and why so many people end up planning a wedding instead of a marriage. A relationship stems from a solid friendship! If you don't have that?. you haven't got a chance in hell.

talaniman · Oct 11, 2008, 05:35 AM

You have done your part, what you needed to do, now you have to let this go, and leave him alone. A break up doesn't have to be mutual for it to be over.

One partner ready to leave is enough, and he obviously was not as hurt, as you were.

Move forward with your life, and be more cautious how much of yourself you invest in these online strangers.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 11, 2008, 06:08 AM

There is no "happy" ending in break ups, no TV style everyone sittting down and talking about it.

You broke up, then found more dirt, so what, you broke up. At this point you stop thinking about the ex, and you think about moving on.

AskJenny · Oct 11, 2008, 03:34 PM

I know what you're feeling; you feel you want closure... you want to contact him just to yella t him about cheating... won't do you any good and it will just create drama; you don't need that. Write him a letter, seal it and put it in your dresser drawer... that'll make you feel better. 6 months from now you'll find it; reread it and laugh... I hope! LDon't occupy your mind with him; you'll just wasting space and time... your time. Don't give him that win... just be done with him.

aquarian66 · Oct 11, 2008, 04:05 PM

Originally Posted by AskJenny

I know what you're feeling; you feel you want closure....you want to contact him just to yella t him about cheating....won't do you any good and it will just create drama; you don't need that. Write him a letter, seal it and put it in your dresser drawer....that'll make you feel better. 6 months from now you'll find it; reread it and laugh...I hope! LDon't occupy your mind with him; you'll just wasting space and time...your time. Don't give him that win....just be done with him.

Thank you guys for the replies. I just can't believe what he did because when we see each other he seemed nice to me.I am just sad that he betrayed my trust.My question:Did he ever remember me helping him out financially to pay his bills amounting to ThousUSD when he ran out of cash?Does he ever think of paying me back now that we're over? Well, when I gave him the money we didn't discuss it's a loan or something. I just gave it to help him.
Is he not embarrassed why he asked money from me when in fact he was chatting online and having a r/s with another woman?Thank you again.

starbuck8 · Oct 11, 2008, 04:24 PM

NEVER NEVER give someone money, unless you are willing to lose it! He was using you! He said nice things to you, and was nice when you saw him, to try and gain your trust, and when he knew the time was right, he moved in on you for the money. If you know how to get get touch with this other girl, I would warn her too! He's a player my dear, and he saw his victim. Money does not buy love my dear.

AskJenny · Oct 11, 2008, 04:45 PM

If you were in a relationship with him and loaned him money it was because I imagine you felt you were a couple and as such you want to help him out which is notable on your part but I agree loaning him money isn't ever a good thing. You should be prepared when you loaned it to know you might not ever see it again. IF you make any contact with him or he you that should be your only discussion with him... ask for repayment. What he did was wrong from the get go with you to also be seeing another person unless you and he had an agreement which you did not from what you've said here. Don't think he didn't like you; I'm sure he did but he just wasnt' ready for a true commitment and did his sidebar stuff to keep himself from feeling trapped. His loss; he doesn't get it and prob never will that you were truly there for him.
When you hit the anger stage you're going to want that money back... small claims court? That's if you have any type of document that'll show you gave him that money? You do that and you'll know you're done with him!

Originally Posted by aquarian66

Thank you guys for the replies. I just can't believe what he did b/c when we see each other he seemed nice to me.I am just sad that he betrayed my trust.My question:Did he ever remember me helping him out financially to pay his bills amounting to ThousUSD when he ran out of cash?Does he ever think of paying me back now that we're over? Well, when I gave him the money we didnt discuss its a loan or something. I just gave it to help him.
Is he not embarrassed why he asked money from me when infact he was chatting online and having a r/s with another woman?Thank you again.

aquarian66 · Oct 11, 2008, 05:01 PM

Originally Posted by AskJenny

If you were in a relationship with him and loaned him money it was because I imagine you felt you were a couple and as such you want to help him out which is notable on your part but I agree loaning him money isn't ever a good thing. You should be prepared when you loaned it to know you might not ever see it again. IF you make any contact with him or he you that should be your only discussion with him....ask for repayment. What he did was wrong from the get go with you to also be seeing another person unless you and he had an agreement which you did not from what you've said here. Dont' think he didn't like you; I'm sure he did but he just wasnt' ready for a true committment and did his sidebar stuff to keep himself from feeling trapped. His loss; he doesn't get it and prob never will that you were truly there for him.
When you hit the anger stage you're gonna want that money back...small claims court? That's if you have any type of document that'll show you gave him that money? You do that and you'll know you're done with him!

Thank you so much for the fast replies guys.I trusted him so much because we were so in love and is talking of marriage already.And no, he isn't afraid to commit to me.We are both educated, professionals. He in the medical field. I guess he loved me too because he was able to stay with me long even with my tantrums.I just couldn't understand why he is so silent.We're in NO CONTACT since I broke up with him.And yes, I know I chould have not trusted him an amount of money I am not ready to lose.My fault.Thank you again for your time.

AskJenny · Oct 11, 2008, 05:10 PM

Educated professionals even in the medical field can have commitment issues no matter what their age. Him having someone on the side tells me he either wanted his cake and to eat it too or he had commitment issues maybe he's not even aware of? But if he looks inside himself and asks himself why he chose to cheat on the side; it's either for excitement, commitment issues or he thinks he's all that and can't lend himself to just one woman which well is commitment issues.
Why hasn't he contacted you? Because he got caught! He's embarrassed and would rather just wipe the slate clean within himself than face the music and have to admit wrong. Oh he knows he's wrong but hasn't had to voice the words to anyone and maybe he's still got #2 on the line still so he lost one but has one to fall back on?

aquarian66 · Oct 11, 2008, 05:43 PM

Originally Posted by AskJenny

Educated professionals even in the medical field can have committment issues no matter what their age. Him having someone on the side tells me he either wanted his cake and to eat it too or he had committment issues maybe he's not even aware of? But if he looks inside himself and asks himself why he chose to cheat on the side; it's either for excitement, committment issues or he thinks he's all that and can't lend himself to just one woman which well is committment issues.
Why hasn't he contacted you? Because he got caught! He's embarassed and would rather just wipe the slate clean within himself than face the music and have to admit wrong. Oh he knows he's wrong but hasn't had to voice the words to anyone and maybe he's still got #2 on the line still so he lost one but has one to fall back on?

Exactly!He hasn't contacted me because he's got #3 on the line I was told.#2 is over actually.What an idiot!But will he pay me back without me telling him?Will he even consider thinking that I have helped him at a time he needed it?I am just relying on his conscience.For me, he didn't deserved my help.Do u think he just used me because I am more stable financially than him?Will he EVER CONTACT me even in the FUTURE to at least talk about the money if he couldn't do it now?U guys have been helping me clear my mind and I thank you for it.

AskJenny · Oct 11, 2008, 08:47 PM

If you've had no word from him at all I'd guess he does not intend to pay you back and if I were you I'd send him a letter letting him know that you expect to be paid back; that it was an unspoken oral agreement; you don't just give your money away; he's in the medical field so smart enough to know that I'd hope... Ask for a money order so you know it's good. He can take out a loan to pay you back; you should not care how he gets it; just get it to me by XXXX date; give him 30 days.
AND please be done with him; you deserve more; you are the prize here to be won over; not him. Go do something nice for you! Call your girlfriends or family; rely on them now if you're at all tempted to make contact other than that letter for the money. And don't put anything mush in the letter; just that you expect to be paid back... Example: Dear John,
In Sept. 2007 I loaned you $1k to pay this or that and I need the money returned to me by Nov. 29, 2008. It was never given to you as FREE money; it was a loan that has now come due.

starbuck8 · Oct 11, 2008, 08:59 PM

I would also like to add that you write, 'this money was given to you in good faith, with the anticipation that it would be returned to me as such. I expect it to be returned by "said date", and if it is not, I will be contacting my lawyer to get advice on how to proceed' Do not make any threats, just state facts. Make copies for yourself of anything you write. It's best not to do this by email. A registered letter would be better, if you can. He then has to sign for it.

Keep all copies of ANY correspondence, and all of the dates and times of any prior or future communication, and also copies of any txt or emails, voicemails, notes or anything regarding your relationship. They may serve as evidence if you should go to court, and I think you should, if he doesn't offer up the money.

If he's already on #3, I doubt that this is going to be easy on you. His profession says nothing about his character. Slime balls are slime balls, no matter which way they fall.

JBeaucaire · Oct 11, 2008, 10:53 PM

I'd consider the money lost as "stupid tax"... and walk away. Paying this tax means you DEFINITELY have learned your lesson and possibly the better for it.

Dragging out recompense proceedings just let him stay around and screw each other's lives up for an undetermined length.

aquarian66 · Oct 12, 2008, 06:47 AM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

I'd consider the money lost as "stupid tax"...and walk away. Paying this tax means you DEFINITELY have learned your lesson and possibly the better for it.

Dragging out recompense proceedings just let him stay around and screw each other's lives up for an undetermined length.

Starbuck8,AskJenny and JBeaucaire I would like to say thank you very much for your time given to a confused soul like me in sharing your most needed advices.You just don't know how this means to me as I haven't confided this problem to my family and friends out of shame and embarrassment.May God reward you for it.

aquarian66 · Oct 12, 2008, 06:52 AM

Originally Posted by aquarian66

Starbuck8,AskJenny and JBeaucaire I would like to say thank you very much for your time given to a confused soul like me in sharing your most needed advices.You just don't know how this means to me as I haven't confided this problem to my family and friends out of shame and embarassment.May God reward you for it.

Sorry I almost forgot to mention talaniman and Fr_Chuck... better late than never.May the good Lord reward you a hundredfold.

liz28 · Oct 12, 2008, 09:51 AM

I just want to add, when you gave him this money you stated that you two never discuss that it was a loan. Couples help each other out sometimes and even if you was to take him to court he can denied it was a loan but given as a gift. Whenever you give someone money write an agreement and you both sign it and put it away so it won't get lost. I see many cases about this on Judge Judy and other court shows. While your was together did you mention repayment of this money? Did he ask you for help or you offered to help? All those questions are valid. If you want to try to get your money back then do but know you might not.

Instead of sending an letter you can send him an email, if he has one. Hopefully he response saying when he will give you back the money because this will serve as proof and you can just print out the e-mails. You want him to acknowledge it was a loan. Then take him small claims court, you don't need a lawyer. Send as many e-mails as possible because it's not harassment. Text messages work the same way too, just don't call his job.

If he was a stand up guy he would repay you but sometimes you have to cut your loses because some people dished out more money than that and never got it back.

JudyKayTee · Oct 12, 2008, 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

I would also like to add that you write, 'this money was given to you in good faith, with the anticipation that it would be returned to me as such. I expect it to be returned by "said date", and if it is not, I will be contacting my lawyer to get advice on how to proceed' Do not make any threats, just state facts. Make copies for yourself of anything you write. It's best not to do this by email. A registered letter would be better, if you can. He then has to sign for it.

Keep all copies of ANY correspondence, and all of the dates and times of any prior or future communication, and also copies of any txt or emails, voicemails, notes or anything regarding your relationship. They may serve as evidence if you should go to court, and I think you should, if he doesn't offer up the money.

If he's already on #3, I doubt that this is going to be easy on you. His profession says nothing about his character. Slime balls are slime balls, no matter which way they fall.

At last we disagree on something! I think: she said what she had to say; he had nothing to say so he said nothing; any attempt now to collect money from him (unless it's some sort of written loan, which it is not) is going to look like a semi-desparate attempt to stay in contact with him and I think it's useless.

I agree - it's the price you pay for being stupid or caring too much or whatever is going on - and you walk away and leave him alone. I wouldn't give him OR her the satisfaction of contacting either one of them. Maybe he played you, maybe he didn't but I see no easy resolution here.

And if you decide to take action for the money I understand you are on one side of the Country and he is on the other - so you really have no means of collecting unless you want to spend a LOT of money to prove a point and perhaps lose in the end.

And I agree with FrChuck - move on. Maybe that means you hide in your house, maybe you cry yourself to sleep, maybe you're ready to get up and go out but I would NOT contact him.

JudyKayTee · Oct 12, 2008, 10:12 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

I just want to add, when you gave him this money you stated that you two never discuss that it was a loan. Couples help eachother out sometimes and even if you was to take him to court he can denied it was a loan but given as a gift. Whenever you give someone money write an agreement and you both sign it and put it away so it won't get lost. I see many cases about this on Judge Judy and other court shows. While your was together did you mention repayment of this money? Did he ask you for help or you offered to help? All those questions are valid. If you want to try to get your money back then do but know you might not.

Instead of sending an letter you can send him an email, if he has one. Hopefully he response saying when he will give you back the money because this will serve as proof and you can just print out the e-mails. You want him to acknowledge it was a loan. Then take him small claims court, you don't need a lawyer. Send as many e-mails as possible because it's not harassment. Text messages work the same way too, just don't call his job.

If he was a stand up guy he would repay you but sometimes you have to cut your loses because some people dished out more money than that and never got it back.

Emails can and do rise to the level of harassment in most, if not all States - that's why do not contact orders and harassment lawsuits mention them. Yes, the other person can simply block you but the other person can also print them out and take them to Court or the Police. Likewise, text messages can and do rise to the level of harassment.

You can't argue on one hand that emails are outside the law and not harassment and argue on the other side that they are inside the law and can be used as evidence.

This quasi legal advice could get OP in a lot of trouble.

I don't watch Judge Judy so I don't know what specific circumstances she has addressed.

liz28 · Oct 12, 2008, 10:34 AM

Emails aren't not harassment as long as you is asking about her money. In the court show I am referring too the plaintiff brought in emails in which she requested her money. Not it. No one is saying send a bunch of email or texts but in civil court it is proof and many people are communicating more than ever though those channels. No one is saying to text nor email every minute but she can communicate to him this way instead of calling him and having no proof and the email or texts are in hopes of him to admit through it that he will pay her. That all. Bye now, you can view my response to other question I am about to answer since you like following me.

Before I go, I just like to ask you if I didn't answer this question would you have?