[unhappy2484]

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and we have a 21 month old son. My husband and I fight all the time. I am a stay at home mom and I am constantly picking up after him. Like I am his mother. He talks about hitting our son with a belt when he is older. I completely disagree with that. I don't believe in it I told him that if he hits our son. I will come down on him like a mother bear because that to me is abuse. My husband has been abusive to me in the past I should have left then but now he isn't physical, he to me seems mentally abusive not to mention I have bipolar disorder which makes it worse. He will call me names not to mention he calls me racist name, talks down to me and act like I am stupid when he explains what he does at his job. He is an electrian and talks about all these watts and kilo watts. Stuff that I have no idea what he is talking about. I tell him that every time he talks about it. But he still acts like I am stupid. Not to mention he tell me that I never do anything that staying at home is not a job. So last weekend I had to go to a funeral in pa I live in NC so anyway I came home Monday and the house looked like a tornado went through it. Before I left I spent all day cleaning and did all the laundry and but it away. Well. There was pile of dishes in the sink. Dirty laundry all over the bedroom floor. I was like what did you do to this house. He goes oh well I worked late and did have time to do it. I was like but you had time to shine your boots and helping your buddy move right. I was livid. So I told him about it the next day. And he goes oh that's your job I was like what to be your maid I don't think so. My husband also gets mad if I spend more then what he tells me to spend. I have learned to ignore that. But the most important thing I noticed is that he does not spend time with his son. Like get on the floor and play with him or play beek a boo. Nothing. I will be cooking or doing laundry and eh will follow me its cute but I don't want him getting hurt. I have asked him time and time again to watch him and not let him in the kitchen. I have asked him to play with him I don't know how many times. He always says I am to tired. I am getting real tired of that I do everything with my son. And he does nothing. Parenthood is suppose to be shared not one person does all the work. I want to get divorce he said he doesn't want to be with out his son and will get him back. No matter what can I get a restraining order even though he hasn't been physical for almost 2 years. Also, so he can't take our son and leave. :confused:

[StaticFX]

I don't even have to read your whole story... you need to leave him. Abuse, whether its physical or mental.. is still abuse. No offense, but the guy sounds like a loser.

[nicola89]

I totally agree you need to take you and that child out off that relationship.once abuse starts it never stops.good luck

[AskJenny]

I feel for you with your own disorder and being married to an emotionally abusive partner. Not good. Okay so here's the scoop from my end. He's cuts your down to make himself feel bigger and better; he has low self-esteem issues and lots of them. He doesn't clean because he works outside the home so that makes him "free" from doing any housework? Taking any pride in his home at all? Or even to help you out which is the most important to me. Do you listen attentively when he talks about his job; ask questions to show you're listening and trying to learn or be interested at all? Or do you walk away with the geez I don't get it and move on with your day?
His issues of abuse would make me want to leave him or seek counseling so he'd see a pattern here... How was he raised? Parents emotionally abusive; cut him down? The pattern repeats itself if that's true.
Offer him praise and tell him you're proud of him daily for his hard work, act interested in what he does... but also ask for his help; tell him you are overwhelmed at home at times... go to the garage and help him out on a Saturday... get yourself on the right meds for your bi-polar disorder if you haven't; that's crucial to your and your child's health not to mention your marriage.
Divorce is an answer but it's not the first answer here; seek counseling; even if you go alone you might learn something from them... if he's an electrician there might be free employee assistance counseling with his benefits and it's confidential so he'd not know you called even.
Good luck and take care of you.

[unhappy2484]

Ask jenny I have tried to explain to him I don't understand what he is talking about and he doesn't explain it to me at all. He just gets mad right away. I have tried marriage counseling I have been going to counseling and he refuses to go. I don't really how is parents raised him he tells me hates his family so it doesn't matter. I have asked him for help several times I have told him I feel overwhelmed time and time again. He goes what for you don't do anything. I have bought cards telling how much I appreciate his hard work I even have made him cakes, brownies and cookies to show my appreciation. I ask him how was work what did you do stuff like that I do his laundry and but it away I get him his clothing in the morning I get him stuff to wear after he takes a shower. He has never offered to help me with our son. I have asked to help me give him a bath I have asked him to play with our son nope no luck there either. I feed change bath and dress our son. He has no right to tell me I don't do anything.

[achampio21]

Okay. Your decision to leave or not leave. But a little (spiteful) advice...

GO GET A JOB! But work nights. You save on daycare and HE HAS TO DO IT ALL WHILE YOU ARE GONE! And he can't throw it in your face that you don't work.

If he doesn't pick up after you worked all night, leave the mess. After a week( I know it sounds bad, but he will figure it out) he will get the idea. Point out to him that you work too. And if he isn't going to do anything but go to work and come home and sit then you aren't either.

May be bad advice, but I bet a nice little taste of his own medicine will be bitter enough to work.

Or you can leave him and find a man that you DON'T have to FIX.

[unhappy2484]

I like the last part my son is a special needs baby so day care wouldn't work

[AskJenny]

Me again with more advice... you have a special needs child which you did not mention and to me this brings another thought to mind. Could your husband be ashamed of his son because he's special need so that's why he doesn't get down on the floor and play with him; doesn't show interest to help bathe him? Your husband does not sound like a happy person to me; not your fault... sometimes it's just how they were raised. You getting a job I don't think is the answer for your marriage although it might help you just to get out even if you do have to pay daycare; private party and not earn that much at the end of the day; you're still out in society hearing others talk, and just being active outside the home which would help you... As for him; intenet research electricians and gain knowledge on your own so you can ask or at least be awere of what eh's talking about... tell him it sounds like he handled that well from what you're hearing; positive stuff to build his ego... he has serious self esteem issues. When you say he hates his parents; that speaks volumes to me... tells me he didn't have a happy home life; rebelled a lot and still is rebelling; just with you now. Only you can change that pattern with counseling to know you aren't the guilty party... that or seek a divorce and find your own inner happiness and in time seek a new mate. Lots of guys out there love kids period... special needs or not... special needs sometimes just makes you love them more!
So research electrician stuff, clean your house, find the energy and motivation for YOU and your child and just make a decision to be happy; you aren't and you deserve to be.

[div2wice]

I agree, it is abuse. Emotional or physical... abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter if he hasn't hit you in 2 years, he's constantly speaking of not caring for the child, emotionally abusing you, etc. I would be scared, and I certainly would not trust him.
Don't listen to anything he says. You can get out and you can protect yourself from him. Find a woman's shelter. Get as many details about it as you can and plan ahead. If he works, gather some things for you and your baby and JET when he's at work. Get some help, maybe a family member or friend to help you get out of there in a hurry.
Try to go to a shelter out of your town, not out of state because you can get in trouble for that, but out of town so it will be a bit difficult for him to find you.
Then you'll need to find a lawyer, either Pro Bono or through Legal Aid. You'll need to file for divorce as soon as possible, state the emotional and physical abuse you've endured and be sure to include every detail about the things he's said about your son, as that will prove him a threat to him as well. Get a restraining order, it does help because he's on the books now as being a threat to you. And do whatever possible, within the law, to protect yourself and your son...
Be safe,

[Fr_Chuck]

Ok, first the suggestion you get a job, is important, since when you move out, you will have to be working to pay bills.

Next when you leave, leave, and file for divorce, now expect hubby to get visitation rights, and unless there is something documented it will be hard to make it supervised but you can try.

[achampio21]

I wasn't saying she SHOULDN'T leave. I guess I was underhandedly implying that she may not WANT to leave. I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. I told everyone he was bad but I kept going back. I didn't leave until I was ready. I guess I was giving OP advice on both ends. She really SHOULD leave him, but if she isn't going to then try what I advised earlier... SORRY I have been there (kind of) and I know sometimes you do and don't want to leave!!

Please consider leaving for you and your son. But I wish you the very best no matter what you decide. I hope it works out. Keep us in the loop!!

[AskJenny]

I've now read all the posts on this... leave, don't leave and I have to advise you that I feel you will end up leaving and if you do be prepared, do your research now while he's still there paying the bills because you will need to get a job even with the child support and possible maintenance you'll get which won't be on a permanent basis... maintenance usually is 3 yrs... you are in an abusive relationship; other posters are correct; doesn't matter if it's emotional or physical; it's abuse. YOU will be happy as will your son without that in tow; you've got enough on your plate just figuring out how and when to leave so as not to cause more abuse in trying to leave which could cause it to escalate. You don't want that.
Just be prepared to be overwhelmed doing it all by yourself and working... you can do it; give yourself time to get motivated and get out there if the counseling, talking to him and all the other avenues posted here don't work.
Ask your parents, friends for financial assistance or a place to live, even just a room for a month to get you on your feet.
You'll find out you are stronger than you think... it's scary at first to step out on your own but I'm telling you... you'll be happier in the long run. HE is not a happy person.

[liz28]

Starting over is a process.I understand you are a stay at home mom but once you leave that will change. Sooner or later your going need a job. I understand you have a young child but do you have any realtives that might be able watch him? If so, then take advantage of it.

A marriage takes a two people to make it work. It seems that you tried over and over to try to rebuild it but he doesn't want too. Counselling is best but he have to be willing to go in order for it to work. Which is something he's not willing to do.

You need to not only think about you but your child interestes. What is going happen when he gets older and realize what is going on? Kids can sensed that.

Also, this situation isn't good for you and takes a toll on you mentally. You don't want this build up. He isn't a good husband nor father, yes he might provide for your fiancially but you need more than that. How dare he tell you he don't want a divorce and he don't want his child to leave but what is doing otherwise to make the marriage work and bonding with his child?

Whatever you decide to do know I hope you make the best decisions for yourself and child. Your both deserve to be happy and live in a houselhold full of love.

[unhappy2484]

I do have family but I live in nc and they live in pa I am trying to find away to leave him and go up to pa and get help from my family. But people are saying I may get kidnapping charges and all this b/s if I leave and go to another state. That's where I am stuck.

[liz28]

What people are telling you that, people do it all the time. You should contact a lawyer because must of them does consulations for free. You have to do what's right for you and your child. This situation is unhealthy.

[unhappy2484]

I had spoken with 2 before one said I could leave the other said I had to go to court to leave the state. I was like this is insane. So now I am going to talk to another lawyer Monday and see what I can do I am not going to go to court so I can see if I can leave and watch him sit there and deny everything. He thinks he has done nothing wrong. And I had it.

[JudyKayTee]

i do have family but i live in nc and they live in pa i am trying to find away to leave him and go up to pa and get help from my family. but ppl are saying i may get kidnapping charges and all this b/s if i leave and go to another state. thats where i am stuck.

It is not kidnapping - when there is a married couple and no custody order in place either one of you can take the kids and leave. I'm not saying he won't file to try to get you to come back or that he won't make a very large "fuss," but you both have the same legal rights.

It's not kidnapping when you are the natural parent - you both have equal rights.

I have idea where the Attorney who told you you can't go is coming from - maybe from the standpoint of a possible action to try to bring you back. I really don't know.

[liz28]

Unhappy, how is everything going today? It's good that you have family that is willing to help you because tour going need their support.

[unhappy2484]

I read further I can leave the state I just have to let him know where I am going or will be locate at. So that way there is no issue about kidnapping.

[unhappy2484]

Now that I did some reading much better.