[slapshot_oi]

The girl in question will be 25 next Monday and a college graduate. I just turned 23 and about to graduate college in December. Keep that in mind when you read this, maturity levels have a lot to do with relationships.

I've been seeing this girl for over two months and this past Saturday, she texts me, "I'm sorry I'm being weird. I just feel like I need a little space". Immediately, out of instinct, I call her twice in succession, and on the second time I left her a voicemail saying "Well this is unexpected, call me if you wanna talk about it." This text was unexpected; the Tuesday before, I saw her for my birthday, we had dinner and she gave me a gift and a card saying

I mean it when I say I'm lucky to have you! We have fun together. And you make me a happier person being around you. I hope you have a great birthday!

That's not the first time she's said that either, so I would like the think she wasn't lying, she seemed very sincere.

Anyway, I haven't contacted her since and I don't plan to.

Our Background: We met for the first time over two years ago through mutual friends, her best friend is my best friend's fiancée. I saw her a few times at friend's houses or wherever over the course of those two years while we both were involved in other relationships. We would exchange a few words and engage in small talk, so we more or less knew each other. We eventually ended our relationships and this May we started hanging out with groups of friends every other weekend or so, and in mid July is when we had our first date. The date went well and everything after that was even better.

Her Story: She started dating this goon when they were both 17 and after seven years, they officially broke up in January, I picked her up six months later. They were engaged at one point, but it wasn't to strengthen their relationship, it was basically a last ditch effort to save it because they had been off and on for a while. After they were engaged they moved in together and all hell broke loose, ending the relationship. They still remain in contact because, like every woman, she wants to remain friends. Well, Charlie don't play that game. Instead, his idea of being friends is texting her with insults and saying how much he hates the fact she's dating me, and if she continues to see me then he wants nothing to do with her. He had begun this the day they broke up and continues to do it today, anyone can imagine this puts tremendous pressure on her.

I should also say before I dated her, she dated some other diggler in March whom was by all intents and purposes a rebound. I fear I am the same, but there are significant differences between he and I; I met her family, she took me to a Patriots game, we spent my birthday together, I hang out with her brother. I have been both the reboundee and rebounder before, so I know what to look for.

Reason the the Mysterious Text: It's anyone's guess, really, but the relationship we had, like I said, was great. If this was a two year relationship, then I would consider cheating, bordem, emotional distress, and so on. I saw no red flags in the course of the two months, and when I saw her on my birthday, she was genuinely happy to see me. I've reduced the possibilities to the following:

• Her ex-boyfriend contacted her and harassed her bad enough to effect my relationship
• She had a catharsis and realized she's in a relationship that can last, which would mean a final good-bye to said ex-boyfriend.
• He threatened to kill himself or do something drastic because he doesn't have her.

What I'm Gonna Do About it: It's been three days and we still haven't spoken, but I want to break it off with her—as backwards as this sounds—so I can reclaim her as my woman. I'm sure it takes more than six months to get over a seven year relationship, part of her still belongs to her ex-boyfriend and she needs time alone to heal. This will also serve as a test to see whether she meant all those things she said to me. I wrote out my thoughts on paper and I came up with:

I would rather give you up now and risk losing you forever in place of continuing what could be an unstable relationship that may end in irreconcilable heartache. If you get all the time you need to heal, with any luck, we’ll both be available for each other in the future and then we can start fresh. And I can assure you that we'll remain friends.

What I actually say to her will probably be shorter and less gay. I also think she'll want to break up with me, too, but I really hope she doesn't beat me to it. If I break up with her, I'll have the power and I could really use that leverage.

I obviously don't want to do this, but in my relationship experience, if a person does what he wants in place of what he knows is right, I can guarantee it will make the situation worse. I know this is the right thing to do, but (especially from a woman's point of view) what are the odds we'll get back together in the future?

[talaniman]

Drop the games, and enjoy dating, and getting to know each other, and have fun. Your thinking way ahead of yourself, about someone you've only been dating for two lousy months, and your still strangers. See how it goes, and don't get carried away, no matter what she says, or the cards you get.

Realistic expectations, are better than high hopes.

[slapshot_oi]

Drop the games, and enjoy dating, and getting to know each other, and have fun. Your thinking way ahead of yourself, about someone you've only been dating for two lousy months, and your still strangers. See how it goes, and don't get carried away, no matter what she says, or the cards you get.

Realistic expectations, are better than high hopes.

Well, this wasn't really the answer I was expecting, but it's one I needed to read. I really need to just chill out.

[Dragonfly1234]

I'd like to add something, if she allows her ex to have the type of contact with her that you have described, well, you seem like a smart fella... Whether she realises it or not, you most likely are a rebound. I'm not saying she has no feelings for you, rebounds are not about being heartless, they're about jumping into a relationship before being ready i.e. completely over the ex.

I would leave it alone. If she wants to end it, let her. Be cool about the whole thing, you get to keep your pride. If you don't give her a pre-planned speech (even if you do make it non-gay) and you don't act as though you're all over the place with higher than appropriate expectations of the whole thing, you will show her what a confident, grounded kind of guy you are and ultimately, that's about all the power you have in these kinds of situations. And as a bonus, she will most likely feel like a bit of a fool for leading you on and then acting a bit confusing and you will appear that much more sane, which she will probably compare against her ex... Ok, I may be stretching this one a little but you get the point.

[talaniman]

Dragon- That is a very real possibility, and another reason not to rush in half cocked. Good insights.

[slapshot_oi]

Update: She got back to me via Facebook message--she said she was afraid to call me--and she did end it because of the fact she just ended her seven year relationship and the emotional stress is too much for her. Specifically, she said she couldn't give me what I wanted and she needed to distance herself from me. Completely understandable. So Dragonfly1234, quite obviously, I was a rebound, which sucks, but I was the one who started it all.

I know when I was on the rebound, I dated girls that I just plain didn't like from the start; I usually wasn't attracted to them at all and because of that I couldn't bring myself to even call them a girlfriend, I remained emotionally distant. I dated girls below my standards because I was completely confident I wouldn't be turned down, and then after I got bored, I stopped talking to them and never spoke to them again even if they contacted me; I was a total jerk. But, that was my perception of a rebound, so I failed recognize this relationship as one.

Because I actually do like this girl, and she's the first I truly liked in a long time, I can't help but feel as though I made a mistake by dating her because it may ruin the possibility of dating her again in the future. But, I thought if I didn't act quick I might lose her to someone else. All I can go on now is she at least has a window into the kind of guy I am, and if she's wants to, we'll see each other in the future. Until then, I'll lay low and give her a lot of space.

[slapshot_oi]

She just called and left a message saying she needs to explain herself. Well, I called her back 'cause I really was interested to know. She doesn't want to end it, she was overwhelmed and needed space, and because I gave it to her she's ready to talk again. I don't really want to end it either.

Is it wise to continue this? If we do, we both now know to go much slower.

[Dragonfly1234]

If it was me, I'd want to talk about some of the things she mentioned via Facebook before deciding whether this is a good idea or just setting myself up for more dissapointment later.

I can't remember who it was on here that wrote something about being pushed off a cliff right away instead of climbing higher only to be pushed off later. (I'm messing it up and it's definitely not my favorite way of making a point but you get the idea).

What was all that stuff about the emotional stress with regards to her previous relationship? It seems to me like there's more to this than she's letting on. Was she missing her ex maybe? I'm sorry, it's probably not what you want to hear but it seems like we're missing something here.

The best advice I could give you is to keep your eyes open and try to get a feel for things, you're in a better position than any of us to sense whether she'll be invested in the relationship. And yes, take it really, really slow even if she gives you the impression she wants to move forward and she's ready, you lead the pace.

[Scleros]

I can't remember who it was on here that wrote some thing about being pushed off a cliff right away...

That would be wikedjuggalo, in this post. I felt the comment and Romefall's were rather poignant too.

[slapshot_oi]

What was all that stuff about the emotional stress with regards to her previous relationship?? It seems to me like there's more to this than she's letting on. Was she missing her ex maybe? I'm sorry, it's probably not what you want to hear but it seems like we're missing something here.

I hear you and sometimes I do wonder if she's missing him. I believe there's a part of her that does. Before I got over her, I missed my ex-girlfriend despite the fact she cheated on me, twice. The emotional stress is probably due to this in part, but his reluctance to be civil with her and his objection to our relationship is root cause of it.

Actually, last night while I was at a party and she was at her apartment sleeping, her ex calls her at 2:00 AM—he probably was drunk and while they were dating he had a serious problem with the bugar-sugar, so he may have been lit, too—balling his eyes out and mumbled something along the lines of suicide, and today he calls her back, to which she didn't answer, likely to apologize. He's acting this way because she was the one to muster up the courage and leave him and he's now realizing what he lost (to me).

And yes, take it really, really slow even if she gives you the impression she wants to move forward and she's ready, you lead the pace.

We both agreed this is the wisest decision as she says she still needs time to heal. My game plan is to let her call me and let her ask me to get together. I'm guessing by not giving her the space she needs, I'm inhibiting her ability to heal and that would spell bad news for our relationship. I have to say I've never been in a position where I'm willing to take a relationship at a slow pace because of the infrequency of sex (piggish, I know), but I'm willing to with this one.

[chuff]

Slapshot, I know your getting a lot of good advice here but I want to address the character of this woman. Everything she does is through text or Facebook. While she certainly has the right to back off... or break up you are owed the right and respect to have it done in person or at the very least over the phone. Instead she puts it out there and sort of tests the waters of your response, or gets herself up before she answers any questions you may have.

[talaniman]

Warning- Don't get your hopes up, or waste time waiting on false hope to throw you a bone. Keep a balanced healthy life, without her in it. Resist the urge to talk, or even support, her as you must have space of your own to see this clearly.

She isn't ready for a good relationship, and you can't make her ready .

[NewYork123]

She shouldn't be remaining friends with someone who insults her and tries to jeopardize her future relationships. They broke up for a reason and she should not be contacting him since he seems like an . The fact that she does is kind of odd to me, but well I'm a woman too and I know how hard it is. I think she is just playing with your emotions, not really on purpose but I can bet 100% it has to do with her ex putting thoughts into her head. You should be the one to say talk to me whenever you know what you want. And of course if you started seeing someone else then she would probably suddenly realize what she's throwing away.. whats happening with you two now?

[slapshot_oi]

Let me post this notion, because now I think it's a major issue. She's mentioned to me since day one how I treat her (which is very good) and that I seem like I'm easily taken advantage of. I told her, "it's only been two months, I'm not even 100% comfortable with you". But, after being away from her for a while, I think she was trying to tell me she's purposely taking advantage of me and testing whether I fight back. The thing was, she wasn't taking advantage of me. All I can think of is I'd always offer to pay for dinner, but she would often take the bill from me and buy it (she works full-time and I'm part-time until I graduate in two months). And then, after she buys me a $125 ticket to the Patriots home opener, she bought me dinner and gift (a $50 watch) on my birthday, and then when I return the favor for her birthday—my gift was a little nicer, it was a 4G iPod Nano, I still owed her for the ticket—she says "you shouldn't have, I didn't want you to get me anything. I don't deserve it". Her saying that gave me insight into the relationship she just came out of. It was almost as if she needs to be in a bad relationship, which I can't offer. I think talaniman hit the nail on the head, she's just not ready for a good relationship.

Anyway, so I saw her on Sunday, and I got a distant feeling from her the entire time. I let her initiate kisses, but she had no intention of me staying over. I let down my guard at the end of the night, clearly bent out of shape and said to her "so, are me and you okay?", she assured me that we're still dating but taking it slow, I say "okay", kiss her goodnight and go home. I haven't seen or talked to her since.

As far as her ex-boyfriend goes, I don't know if they're talking and I could really care less, he's her problem. In the beginning, I was fine with her talking to her ex-boyfriend because I'm actual friends with both of my ex-girlfriends, so what's the harm, right? Then I find out all the nasty stuff he's saying to her and I wanted to tell her "are you really that naive to think he wants to be your friend?". Instead, I told her "although you tell me it's my business, it's not, this is your show, there's nothing I can do." After two months, I wasn't about to tell her how to handle someone she knew for seven years.

I should also mention that after she moved out of the apartment that she and her ex-boyfriend shared, while he was still living there by himself, and she was still paying her share of the rent because her name was on the lease, he continued to make her pay for all of the utilities although she didn't live there. Continued, as in, when they were living together she paid for all of them at that time as well. On top of all that, he also won't give her back the 50" LCD that she bought. And she tells me I'm easily taken advantage of.

She shouldn't be remaining friends with someone who insults her and tries to jeopardize her future relationships.

You're telling me. Even her own mother and brother told her "you'll probably screw this one up with [me] if you keep talking to [her ex-boyfriend]". I'm sure it sucked hard for her to hear that. Although, if I was in his position I'd might be trying to destroy the relationship, too, but this clown takes it to the next level and threatens to hurt himself.

i think she is just playing with your emotions, not really on purpose but i can bet 100% it has to do with her ex putting thoughts into her head.

He probably is, in my last post I wrote how he called her drunk and possibly beamin' on blow and told her that he's going to kill himself. He's buggin' her out, and out of gut-reaction, she's pushing me away. And I don't blame her, I really don't, but on the same token I'm not going to wait around for her, either.

you should be the one to say "talk to me whenever you know what you want"

Ooo, is that really a good idea? Wouldn't that give her the impression that I'll be waiting for her? Then, she might really take advantage of me. I want her to think that I'm not a rock to lean on and if she wants me she has to be the one the make the move before I'm gone.

After all I've posted, you would think this was a Plutonic relationship, but the attraction is there for both of us, we have great sexual chemistry—she thinks it's unusual how I love to go down on her, most women wouldn't question it, I thought that was strange—and when we go out to bars with friends we have a ball. The only visible problem is I'm too fair and understanding. Dang.

I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing I hear from her is "I can't do this anymore, sorry".

I want her so bad, though. This sucks.

[slapshot_oi]

After two-weeks of unintentional NC—we were "dating" this whole time, there was never a specified break-up—I tried calling her on Friday and left a message saying to call me back. No response. This morning, I called her twice in a row and then texted her saying "Please call me, we need to talk". I waited over nine hours, try to call her again and her phone was shut off. After that, I was pissed, so I Facebook messaged her saying:

I understand you just came from a seven-year relationship and that you're probably confused. I like you, I really do, and I've been loyal to you, even now. I don't think I need to tell you this because you already know it.

You asked for space and I kindly gave it to you. After which, you said you wish to continue our relationship at a slow pace and remain exclusive. I agreed. And yet, we haven't spoken in two weeks and now don't even consider returning my phone calls. I just tried calling you and your phone is shutoff.

Never have I been shown such disrespect from someone who I thought was better than that.

I didn't think it was going to end like this.

Within an hour, she responds:

I know iam not showing you much respect right now. But to me it's better than not being able to give you 100% of me, which i know i can't do right now. I really thought that i was ready to start a relationship but i think i was wrong. I am afraid that i have hurt someone that did not deserve it and i regret that deeply. But believe me you want nothing to do with me right now becasue i am not able to give you what you want.

We had spoken about being afraid that we were going to ruin something good by continuing this right now. That is what i know i would do right now if we were to continue. I am so sorry if i have hurt you.... that was never my intention.

She uses the phrase "right now" a lot, she's very good at writing what she thinks I want to hear.

I'm still pissed at her for pulling this, it's as if she thinks I can't handle the truth. That's insulting.

[chuff]

After two-weeks of unintentional NC—we were "dating" this whole time, there was never a specified break-up

Are you kidding me? Actually you are not. The only person you are kidding is yourself there was intentional NC and you were not dating. She is ignoring you. LET IT GO!

—I tried calling her on Friday and left a message saying to call me back.

Jeez, after a history of only contacting you through text or the internet I wonder if she called you back?

No response.

Oh, I didn't see that coming. I wonder if she has a pattern of behavior that she follows that if just opened our eyes to what's going on, she would become extremely predictable. Oh... wait she does. Start paying attention to it. Actions not words define people.

Thankfully, after looking like a stalker who can't leave something alone you didn't call her or text her looking like a pathetic weak baby desperate to speak to her..

This morning, I called her twice and then texted her saying "Please call me, we need to talk".

Oh, I didn't see that coming. I wonder if you have a pattern of behavior that you follow that she sees that scares the hell out of her which is why she ignores you.

Thankfully after all this, you took the hint... which I would just call a slap in the face again and again and let it rest and didn't contact her again.

I waited over nine hours, try to call her again and her phone was shut off.

Oh I didn't see that coming. I wonder if she also sees in your pattern of behavior not only the stalker we saw 9 hours previously, and a guy that won't take a hint but someone that is completely annoying the hell out of her to the point she actually has to shut off her own phone because she doesn't want to be bothered by it.

Thankfully after all this, you finally got the clue to leave her alone.

Pissed-off, I Facebook messaged her

Oh I didn't see that coming... actually I did, and so did she.

In my previous post I sided with you in regards to her rudeness over contacting you via text and the internet. Now I agree with her. You are scaring her. You are a stalker. You can't leave her alone. She wants nothing to do with you because you come off unstable. Let her go and do not contact this woman. It's over. It's done. It's not going to happen. Accept it.

[slapshot_oi]

Now I agree with her. You are scaring her. You are a stalker. You can't leave her alone. She wants nothing to do with you because you come off unstable. Let her go and do not contact this woman. It's over. It's done. It's not going to happen. Accept it.

F**ck off pal. Don't you dare call me a stalker. Even if something I said set you off, and it shouldn't because it has nothing to do with you, you still have no right to say that.

You're right, we didn't speak for two-weeks because she didn't want to talk to me, but nothing was spoken along the lines of a break-up and there was no definition, and that's what I need She has her needs, and I have mine.

But back to your prick-attitude: I can't believe you went that far for no reason whatsoever. It's jerks like you that hurt the credibility this forum. The repetitive sarcasm was a pretentious touch to an already jerk-off post and your signature clearly shows you have an enormous ego.

Let some air out of that inflated head of yours and show respect.

[Czosie]

Though the person was kind of rude in what he said.. and does need to find a better way of sharing his opinion I think he is right.. As much pain as it causes and as bad as you WANT TO know what's going on.. maybe it is time to take a step back, and move on.

[slapshot_oi]

I agree. It's definitely time to move on, and I gladly will.

I have a personality where if I'm in the presence of injustice, and I felt that I was being mistreated, I have to speak my piece otherwise I'll never be satisfied; you know, "getting it off your chest". I told her what I needed to tell her, there's now a clear-cut end to all of this, so I can move on.

What works for some people in regards to healing from a break-up doesn't work for everyone, except for NC, that's a universal rule.

[Czosie]

Though Chuff is very straight forward as I have read in a lot of his posts.. some people need a wooden paddle smashed on there head for them to understand... he likes to be the wooden paddle.. Good luck to you