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My mom died.who's next?
On Friday, September 26th, my mom lost her battle with lung cancer. I was with her holding her hand when she died and I thought I was having a heart attack. All I could hear was the fast beating of my heart in my ears. I never imagined that I would be the one to watch her die. My wonderful husband was with me and comforting me all throughout. Now I am paranoid that he will be taken from me too. Sometimes I wonder if I was chosen to watch her die so I could see how I will go? This is really messing with my brain. I am so afraid that my husband is sick too and I cannot help but be absolutley (SP?) terrified of getting cancer. She was a smoker for years and at only 47 was diagnosed. I know that she made her own choices and maybe that contributed to her being sick, but the "what if's" are killing me. I cannot wrap my head around this. It almost seems like my life is now dedicated to me or my relatives getting or being sick (thankfully none are sick at the moment) and dying. Not knowing what is in store is just as bad and painful as losing my beloved mom. Is this normal? Can anyone please, please, please help me?
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I may only be 17 and don't have a lot of experience, but two years ago I lost an uncle who was like a big brother and a best friend. When he died, I thought my mother was next and spent a month or so after the incident just paranoid. I spoke to a councilor and she had told me I am experiencing normal things. Death is hard no matter the age... I am still aching inside to this day.. Wednesday marks year 2 since his death. According to what you've said it's all I felt too about everyone around me, and like I said... my councilor said it was normal. I am beyond sorry for your loss, and I swear things will heal with time, just think happy thoughts, and surround yourself with loved one's all the time. Best of luck to you. |
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Hermoine, I can totally relate to your situation. It was last year I lost my father and was there with him to the end, although I was over 600 miles away for the first 3 months of his illness and it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to be with him. I also am a cancer survivor.
Look at it this way... You were there with your Mom so that she did not go alone. You are going through the grieving process, what you are feeling is quite common actually. You are in the protection mode. You are very protective of your other loved ones and afraid that they will suffer the same fate. Don't borrow trouble. If no one is sick, concentrate on your loss. Concentrate on your healing. There are "what ifs" in life, in everyone's life... What if I drop my child off to school before going to work tomorrow, and I get in a car wreck? What if... What if... The list goes on and on. What you can focus on is being thankful that everyone else IS healthy at the moment. Life tends to throw us curve balls and there is nothing we can do about them. We have to live in the moment. Live with the joys we are faced with every day. |
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To Bural21... age has no boundaries on life experience :)... meaning, it doesn't matter what age we are, it matters how we feel, what we've experienced and how we've matured emotionally. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. It may hurt every time a memory is triggered... If I may, when you have a memory of your friend and you feel sad... why not reframe it? Meaning, if you remember the good times and how much they meant to you and how they would not want you to walk around here on earth missing them so much that you are in pain... turn it into a happy memory. Ones that can be cherished... it seems hard to do, I know... but you can. :) J_9 is right about going through the greiving process... see we waste so much time in life worrying about the "what if's" that we don't enjoy what "IS" right now. (My sympathies to you as well J_9 for your loss) You are going through the stages of grief I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. See honey, we can't control anything in life... we can't control who is sick, who leaves, what doesn't work out... none of that. We can do the best we can... in the time we have. Otherwise... it feels like not living at all. Denial: Example - "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening."'Not to me!" Anger: Example - "Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!" Bargaining: Example - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years." Depression: Example - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die.. . What's the point?" Acceptance: Example - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it." I know it seems so clinical for me to cut and paste this above here HOWEVER it's good to understand the stages so that when you go through them you won't be surprised. This is the link: Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia If you'd like to read it. You may not want to read anything right now... I understand. My dad died in 1989. I wasn't with him but it took me 2 years to let that go... he's come to see me several times in my sleep. :) In dreams... some think that's odd, however I was happy. He never said much but I got to see him. Some people have these experiences, some don't share them because of what other people may think... I think it's great because we DO get to see them again. Even if it's not right here... Your mom is in a better place right now. I know, that you want her here with you, but she's not in any pain anymore... she's at peace. I'm not the best with platitudes... I'm sooo very sorry for your loss. |
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OH! And... uhm... one more tiny thing. As you go through these phases you may find... that you're pretty angry at her for leaving you.
May I suggest, one day when it hits you, to write her a letter and let all that out! It's not disrespectful at all to tell her your angry and afraid and that you miss her sooooooo much... it's good for you to let those emotions out so you can let them go... and while you are writing? Cry... cry even if it knocks you to your knees... let it all out... you will feel, so much better. If you're wondering if I did this... the answer is yes, and it did knock me to my knees. And... yah... I felt better. :) |
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I know it is hard, perhaps some counseling to help you find a way to deal with your loss and grief We may be the one to be with a love one to help them pass easier. But the what if can take you anywhere. What if you turn left not right, what if you leave 5 min earlier. |
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Hermione I sympathize with your situation as my mom also died of lung cancer 6 years ago on the 25 of the September. A month before that my uncle passed away, and three weeks after her my grandfather passed away. However, you have to remember that "Death" is not out to cause you pain. People have their time, and when it is, there's nothing you can do. You just got to remember that at some point in your life someone is going to be experiencing the same things when it comes to you. My advice is, take your time to grieve, take this experience and teach those closest to you how to deal with it, learn from it, and remember all the best memories you can of your mother. Live your life to the fullest, and love everyone you surround yourself with. That's the only thing you can do. Worrying about who is next will only cause your mothers death to be far harder than what it could be. |
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Revival, are you ever afraid that since your mother had lung cancer you will too? I am dealing with that fear along with the grief. How did you pull through? |
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I smoke, but I don't really think about my death. Don't really care. I've chosen to live my life the way I want to. I took what my mom wanted me to do, and threw that into my life plans, and as long as I get it accomplished I will be content. If I get cancer, so be it, then I just accelerate some things so I get what I really want done. It's something I choose not to think about. |
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I thought this may be a nice addition to this thread. If I may... I received this in an email this morning and I thought of you. She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: 'How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?' The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.' Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?' The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.' Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally. The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could' Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep. It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said : 'Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You'. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'where was He w hen I needed him?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper.. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore - the cancer is all gone.. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that? Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me. |
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Aside from the chain letters, what I did Hermione is I went out and got a tattoo. It's a simply a cross, with my mom's name above it and the year she was born and the year she died. That way I always have her with me ;) |
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 Originally Posted by hermione
I hope that in time, the pain will ease. I know it never goes away, especially around the holidays. Make each day count. God Bless you! |
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Originally Posted by J_9
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RayDaint, Thank you for your kind words. If you do not mind me asking, how old was your mother when she passed? Was she a smoker too? How old were you? Are you afraid that it is inherited? I have so many questions and feel so alone. |
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Originally Posted by hermione
I am so sorry for you loss. I felt similarly when I lost my mother when I was 14. In my case, she died in a car accident and I was very anxious about other people's driving. These feelings are not unusual. Like you, I have always been anxious about losing people close to me. But time really does heal and you will feel better. Be patient with yourself. Depression and anxiety on losing a loved one is Normal. Everyone here has talked about the emotional aspects of what you are going through, so I just want to mention that if you and your husband don't smoke or spend significant time with people who do, you are extremely unlikely to get lung cancer. If you don't smoke, that's probably NOT the way you will die. Since you have not been living with your mother for quite a while (I assume), your risk of lung cancer is about the same as someone who has never been exposed to second hand cigarette smoke. Good luck |
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Lung cancer is caused by smoking, or, rarely, by exposure to radon, which comes from rocks under some houses. If your mother was a smoker, her lung cancer was almost certainly caused by her smoking. Do you smoke? Did you ever smoke? In countries where people do not smoke, lung cancer is extremely rare. I can give you more detailed statistics if you think it will make you feel better. Take care. |
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No, I do not smoke. My husband does but is trying to quit and he smokes outside away from me. I have never even been drunk to tell you how straight laced I am. :) How do you know so much about this? Are you a doctor? I have read about it online some and what scares me the most is that because she was so young that there might be a genetic link. She was a smoker and not to sound bad, but she alos smoked pot most of her life. When she quit drinking (she was an alcoholic) she started smoking pot more and more. I would like some of your stats. Thank you for your help. |
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Dear Hermione, I am glad you do not smoke or drink. I know about smoking because I write about things like this for a living. I've never smoked myself, but both my grandmothers did and my mother did but quit when she was pregnant with me. Yes, it is possible to carry a gene that slightly increases your risk of developing lung cancer IF YOU SMOKE. But smoking is the main reason most people get lung cancer. The genetic component is very small and probably does not affect people who are not exposed to environmental "insults" such as smoking and asbestos. Tobacco is responsible for about 85% of all cases of lung cancer. The rest of cases are caused by things like asbestos and radon--all environmental effects. If you don't smoke and you are not exposed to large amounts of asbestos or radon, you are unlikely to get lung cancer. For example, in Thailand in the 1980s, only 2 women in 100,000 got lung cancer because hardly any Thai women smoked. In Scotland, where many women smoked, the rate was 27 lung cancer deaths per 100,000, 13 times higher. All these numbers come from the National Cancer Institute. Also according to the National Cancer Institute, a man who smokes is 22 times more likely to develop lung cancer than a man who does not smoke. For women, smoking increases the risk 12 times. And the more a person smokes, the more likely they are to get lung cancer. Smoking also increases the risk of cancers of the mouth, throat, esophagus, bladder, kidney, and pancreas, and also the risk of heart disease. Tobacco is extraordinarily nasty stuff. Nothing else we do is as dangerous to our health. Smoking and Tobacco Use | Fact Sheet | Tobacco-Related Mortality | Office on Smoking and Health (OSH) | CDC Former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop (under Reagan) said smoking was "the chief, single, avoidable cause of death in our society and the most important health issue of our time." Smoking kills more than 400,000 Americans per year. The good news is that a smoker who quits reduces their risk of a heart attack by about 50% within just one year of quitting. Within 10 to 15 years, their risk of lung cancer is comparable to that of a non smoker. The earlier a smoker quits, the greater the health benefit. Of course, not everyone who smokes dies of lung cancer or heart disease. But they do live about 15 years less on average than non smokers. One of the more callous arguments the tobacco industry has made is that smoking does not cost the public any money. It turns out that is not true. In California, campaigns to reduce smoking reduced health care costs by nearly 50 times the cost of antismoking campaigns. ".. . The authors show that the US$1.8 billion spent on California's tobacco control programme over 15 years (1989–2004) has yielded a 50-fold return (US$86 billion) in reduced health care costs. As well as effectively reducing smoking—a significant public health goal in itself—the benefits of the programme include “substantial, rapid, and growing reductions in per capita state health care expenditures.” PLoS Medicine - Tobacco Control Yields Clear Dividends for Health and Wealth I give all these numbers, but I am not at all unaware of how personal and painful this is to you. I'm really sorry about your loss and the pain of watching your mother die. I hope your husband is able to quit soon. It must be difficult to watch him smoke. On average, I've read, people quit about 8 times before they succeed. It is difficult to quit but millions of people succeed. Be patient with him. And more links: MedlinePlus: Smoking Asking |
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What worries me asking, is that she was diagnosed so young. My grandmother smoked for the longest time and she is 71, and there is not other family history of lung cancer in my family. Actually with regards to a few sporradic cases of breast cancer, no real history on either side for me to speak of. I was around secondhand smoke growing up and less so when I got married, but still around it since my husband smokes. He smokes outside away from me now and I go weeks without being around it. Am I still in danger? |
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I am not your doctor and can't know everything. But in my opinion, you are not in danger. You don't smoke, you avoid second hand smoke. Your mother increased her risk by smoking two different things, tobacco and marijuana, which is bad for the lungs, too. She may have had other things going against her too. If she started smoking very young or her diet was poor. Or as you say, if she had a genetic predisposition. But even if you had that, you don't smoke, so you have little to worry about. As for your grandmother, not everyone who smokes gets cancer, not by a long shot. I forget the numbers but I think only about a third of smokers actually die of lung cancer, the rest die of heart disease or other things (like accidents, other diseases). We do all die eventually and it's sometimes hard to come to terms with that. It's a life long process. :( |
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