Originally Posted by
hermione
on friday, september 26th, my mom lost her battle with lung cancer. I was with her holding her hand when she died and i thought i was having a heart attack. All i could hear was the fast beating of my heart in my ears. I never imagined that i would be the one to watch her die. My wonderful husband was with me and comforting me all throughout. Now i am paranoid that he will be taken from me too. Sometimes i wonder if i was chosen to watch her die so i could see how i will go? This is really messing with my brain. I am so afraid that my husband is sick too and i cannot help but be absolutley (sp?) terrified of getting cancer. She was a smoker for years and at only 47 was diagnosed. I know that she made her own choices and maybe tht contributed to her being sick, but the "what if's" are killing me. I cannot wrap my head around this. It almost seems like my life is now dedicated to me or my relatives getting or being sick (thankfully none are sick at the moment) and dying. Not knowing what is in store is just as bad and painful as losing my beloved mom. Is this normal? Can anyone please, please, please help me??
I am a hospice nurse and I am with people when they die, not to mention the hundreds and hundreds I was with when I worked in a hospital. Being with someone in the process of dying can be a very overwhelming experience.
I had a wonderful opportunity in 2004. I got a phone call from the nursing home that my aunts were in and was told that my aunt mary was not doing well. I got in my car and drove from de t wva. As soon as I got there I told my other aunt to come over and hold aunt marys hand. I told aunt mary I am here now and as I kissed her she took her last breath.
It can be humbling, overwhelming. It is what you have chosen it to be with your mom. Relive the experience and think about the goodness of the event. She wasn't alone and I think you were quite lucky to be there. I wished I could have held my mothers hand when she left me suddenly on nov 16