[Chery]

Good luck, dear. Spend as much valuable time with the kids as possible.

If she feels threatened, as you stated that she felt you were 'out to get her', she just might get the idea to use the children as a weapon, therefore hurting them in the long run.

Follow your heart as best as you can, but don't let your pain get in the way of an amiable solution.

Sorry that she was not willing to join you in seeking professional help to try and save the marriage. This does in a way show that she did not really care to save it, but also wanted time to be at her advantage.

So, in a way, after she caught you by surprise, you surprised her by forcing her to make up her mind a little faster.

Keep on this forum and let us know how things go. Good luck.

When you get the time, tell us a little about the children.

[mikemoulton]

Well it is my weekend alone and she has the kids. This is the 3rd time she has had the kids and has left them at home alone in the past month. Mind you our daughter is 13. I just talked to my daughter and everything is OK there. It is 12:00am. My daughter has 2 friends over for the night. My son is in bed and sleeping. My x is going out of town tomorrow night but I do not know what her plans are for the kids. I have them back on Sunday night. At this rate I want to apply for custody of our children as I can provide a more stable environment... I just do not know if I should or not. It is a shame that she is putting herself first and not the welfare of our children.

[Chery]

Ask the kids how they would feel about the custody issue. They have brains and believe it or not, they have probably gathered more information on this family issue than you can imagine.

Children are young, but not dumb. They see what's going on and have thoughts and feelings about it as much as you do.

Good luck.

[mikemoulton]

Our children are 13 and 5. The 13 year old is a girl who was just turning 2 when my wife and I met, her name is Jordan. She does not see her father on a regular basis. I am her dad as she sees it. My wife and I had a boy whose name is Ethan who is now 5. I guess I have no real legal rights to apply for custody of both children and do not want to separate them. What are some ideas as to where I go from here?

[Chery]

As far as the legal aspect, you'd be better off asking a lawyer in your state about the laws.

As far as emotional support and further advice, I need to tell you that I've been up for 12 hours now, and it's almost 6 AM here in Germany, so before I get deeper into this, I will get some rest and come back when I'm coherent.

If you don't see custody of the kids as a positive option for you due to drawbacks, you can at least be there for them whenever possible.

You could also document the pattern of what you think she is doing wrong and potentially bad for the kids, At any rate, I'll be back soon.

Please remember, I'm only stating my opinion, not giving legal advice here.

[valinors_sorrow]

It is good that your focus is mainly on hashing out appropriate care for the kids. Very good. Use every resource you can find for that. Lawyer, counselor, divorced men's groups (ones that formed to fight how the courts unfairly advantage women and let bad mothers get away with it might be in your area - they are mine). Put questions out to proper source.

Keep your emotional self out of your dealings with your wife as much as possible - tall order! Keep written factual notes on highlights only - significant events/decisions and any financial transactions - to help maintain some meansure of objectivity, if possible. Your objective is to focus on care of your kids. Secondarily, if your wife waffles about what she wants, maintain the stance of marriage counseling or divorce. Don't waffle along with her.

Talk and listen to your kids - like Chery, I believe they will have more to say than you might imagine, especially if they are encouraged to talk about what they need.

[talaniman]

Stay positive and stand firm! Your kids will always love you and don't forget that.

[Wildcat21]

Sorry I didn't get to this one sooner.

This 19 year old is a bad influence on her - I can tell.

Yep... the WIld Girl stage you never let her by marrying way too young. I wouldn't advise ANYONE to marry before age 25. But now on to the problem...

Hell I know women in their early 40's who think they were robed of their Wild Girl stage.

I bet she comes back, but I wouldn't want her back after 3 months.

I have to believe your marriage was rather dull, no dates, little imtimacy as I call tell by your post. No woman wants boring. It's probably to late to add this stuff - BUT EXTREMELY NECESSARY - it's too easy to get caught up in life... people need fun as well. Just because you have kids and work doesn't mean you can't add great excitemnt.

[Stormy69]

Wow this issue has me feeling sad, I feel for you. 11 years is a long time to invest in a marriage. I'm not sure where you live, but I am wondering what bar let's a 19 year old in.
Unless you have legally adopted Jordan during your marriage, it's extremely unlikely that a judge would grant you custody. However.. If you can document your wife leaving the kids to fend for themselves while she is at the bar, perhaps consider hiring a private detective to follow her and record her activities, you might stand a chance. I feel for you, gosh I wish I had some words of wisdom or a good solution to all this. I do offer you support and my hand in friendship. Take care.

[orange]

I'm not sure where you live, but I am wondering what bar let's a 19 year old in.

To answer your question Stormy, in Canada legal drinking age is 18 or 19, depending on the province you are in.

I agree the whole situation is very sad. Mike, I hope you will be able to be there for your kids (adopted and biological) regardless of what happens.

[mikemoulton]

I am definitely there for both kids. I am trying hard to put this behind me and until the house and possessions are split it is going to be difficult. Yes, where I am is in canada and the age is 19.

[Blazingsun]

I find it questionable your wife was not questioning this 'buddy' of hers as to why a 19 yr old was in a bar all the time and not home looking after her OWN baby!

The 19 yr old needs a healthy shot of reality and so does your wife, though one would think she would have already gotten it.

This sounds like such a messy situation... I wish you the best in this. Don't get soft, stick to your guns. It will get better.