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Wildcat21 · May 25, 2006, 11:40 AM

Hey all - I post this stuff from time to time - it's more geared towards guys, but it works for women as well... very interesting stuff... guys should read this every day...

IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don't let on how excited you've become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.

WOMEN AND DATING.

It's not "women you're in a relationship with" or"special girls" or anything of the sort.

After you've gone out with a woman for a few months or so, and she proves to you beyond the shadow of a doubt that she's a great PERSON, then I think it's great to consider making her your "special girl."

And yes, the dynamics change at that point. You can be nicer... you can be more complimentary... you can do more thoughtful things... At this stage this kind of thing will have a different meaning (BUT DON'T EVER TURN INTO A WUSSY!).
But as I just mentioned, if you start talking to an attractive woman, and you immediately start with the "You are beautiful and I'm not worthy" routine, you shoot yourself in the foot.

There's a HUGE opportunity in these first-meeting situations, but most guys never even CONSIDER it because it's not what comes natural.

The thing to do when you meet an attractive woman is to actually TEASE AND BUST on her a bit, rather than giving her compliments. This effectively scrambles her whole program andcauses her to lose her composure. It takes her off guard and shakes her out of her world... so you can actually have a conversation.

Remember the guy who walks up to women and says "Your fly is open", then walks away?

The woman always comes and finds him to say "You're a JERK!"... and then he laughs at her... and the woman winds up going out with him.

Verrrrrry interesting.

Do you think it would work the same way if he walked up to women and said "You're amazingly beautiful" and then walked away?

I think not.

So, in summary, you're right... women do in fact like compliments. But if you want to make a woman feel that magical feeling of ATTRACTION for you, then you might think twice about giving them too early on.

Women like compliments that they have to WORK FOR a lot more than the ones that just come to them... and if you're reading this right now and thinking to yourself "You know, I need to learn this stuff about how to meet and attract women so I can get rid of that insecure and fearful feeling I have", then YOU'RE RIGHT!

I think that every man should invest in himself, and learn this skill.

Unfortunately, most guys never take the time and invest in themselves... and they wind up going their whole lives WISHING that they could attract the kinds of women that they want.

But when you start dating a woman that you really LIKE, your fear of abandonment and your need for approval kick in. What you want more than anything is for her to like you, to like you as much as you like her. What you fear the most is that you may disappoint or upset her somehow so that she won't want to be with you. So you cater to her whims and you don't set healthy boundaries. To you Psych majors, he always lets her get her way.
The irony is that all these things that you do to get her to like you and to try to insure that she won't leave you are actually the very things that make her withdraw from you. Unfortunately, either out of denial or ignorance, you keep repeating the same behavior with each new woman that you like.
So what's the way out of this trap? Awareness and insight are the first steps, which are what I'm providing you with now.
Next, you must have a fierce determination to do whatever it takes, however uncomfortable, to clean up your act.
Remember, guys: when you like her a lot, act like you don't.
Put yourself first. Women like jerks a lot better than nice guys.

Keys to a woman:

ATTENTION, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTANCE, APPRECIATION, and AFFECTION.

Regarding the function you invited her to, you don't ever ask a girl if she "wants" to do something -- you just ask her if she can make it.

What you really want is to know how to get a girl to fall in love with you, so she'll settle down and be your girlfriend, right? All this bit about, "she loves me, she loves me not" stuff, or "does she really like me" is just a weak attempt to bolster our confidence. The best way to get her head over heels for you is to act like you can take it or leave it. You want to show interest in the girl, but not act like you're dependent upon her liking you back. If she senses that you need her to like you, she'll like you less right away... and it only continues to go downhill from there. The best way to play this thing is simply to proceed on the assumption that she DOES like you, until she actually turns you away in some act of rejection. And when THAT happens, you simply back off for a spell and DON'T show any signs of being fazed by it. Take somebody else out for awhile, and then after a little time has gone by call #1 girl up out of the blue and just act like nothing has ever happened. When she senses that you enjoy her company but are not DEPENDENT upon her attention or reciprocation of feelings, her feelings for you will begin to grow stronger. A girl's feelings can be up and down like the ocean waves. Don't gauge your approach on what whimsical emotion she may be feeling at some particular moment. Be steady.`

So freakinf true!

ALWAYS HAVE CONFIDENCE!!

valinors_sorrow · May 25, 2006, 01:25 PM

There is a lot of strange truth in this. I can honestly say my husband and I are still chasing each other a bit even though we simultaneously feel incredibly secure in our relationship, paradox though that is!

Playful sexual tension and a dash of mystery underscored by kind of feminine almost coyness for me (I am shy.. at least in the romance arena - not that you would know it here! Lol) and an obvious masculine confidence by him keeps it fresh for both of us... so best to cultivate those from the beginning!

Really great post Wildcat - I give it three meows!

Wildcat21 · May 25, 2006, 02:17 PM

You are soooooooooooooooooo right there!! Love everything you said!! That's it!!

"chasing each other a bit" - that's it!! That's it!! So true!! It has to be that way your whole life!!

Chery · May 26, 2006, 11:13 AM

Loved it, Wildcat. You're good!

We never should show too much sappy emotion on our sleeves, until we are at least 50 years old.

NeedKarma · May 26, 2006, 12:06 PM

I'm not a jerk nor acted like one during dating and I got me a nice woman! Yay me!

Wildcat21 · May 28, 2006, 08:35 AM

Should NEVER be a jerk ever. It's just a fact that women would prefer a jerk than a nice guy.

valinors_sorrow · May 28, 2006, 08:50 AM

Hmmm, I risk horning in too much but I am chomping at the bit to clarify here. While I can't speak for all women, I prefer a man who can stand his own ground (and in my youth when I lacked discernment I confused that with jerks!)

I have however picked and married one of the nicest men in the world. Granted he had some problems initially standing his ground, had to work on it with a professional even. But he is now a nice guy who stands his ground easily.

And I would guess most women would pick that over any jerk or nice guy who lacks backbone ANY day?

As I see it, you are both saying valid things about this topic. But given the thread on bisexuality the Doc posted, I won't be suggesting you two kiss and make up any time soon! :eek:

NeedKarma · May 28, 2006, 11:47 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Should NEVER be a jerk ever. It's just a fact that women would prefer a jerk than a nice guy.

Nah, you can't speak for all women like that. I'm a nice guy and dated a lot of sweet and crazy girls before I got married. I think the slightly disfunctional women will date the jerks. Otherwise good post.

confused25 · May 28, 2006, 09:11 PM

I think that's great advice. I have a question though that I hope you can answer Wildcat... what if some guy did all that stuff you mentioned that a guy should not do (being clingy, stating his feelings too much and too early, professing his love too early, etc), and he loses the girl. Is there any way he can get her back?

Wildcat21 · May 28, 2006, 09:47 PM

Yes... first, stop ALL communication fot at least 2 months - no calls, no text, no e-mails - DON'T return any contac. You need your power back. Date, date, date - even if it's 1 date. Learn HOW to deal with women. Work on yourself improve.

IF she left you -she is most likely gone for now. MAKE HER MISS YOU.

Private e-mail me and will give you a ton more advise.

fredg · May 29, 2006, 05:39 AM

HI,
Good posts!
Just a comment with my opinion on "nice guys".
The old saying that "Nice guys finish last", to me is very, very misleading.
That saying should apply to someone, nice, who lets everyone else walk all over him, never saying a word about anything, and never standing his ground when he knows he is right.
"Nice guy" to me means someone who is really nice, smiles, enjoys life, helps others when he can, rather "laid back" much of the time, but stands his ground when he needs to.
A guy like that doesn't need to "prove" himself; others will know it.

talaniman · May 30, 2006, 12:39 PM

Just because you're a nice guy doesn't mean you have to be stupid or a pushover.:cool: :D

Wildcat21 · May 30, 2006, 01:09 PM

Again - nice is the wrong word. You're talking about a 'good guy'.

talaniman · May 30, 2006, 01:38 PM

Ah a light bulb goes on and the clouds clear!:cool: :o

Wildcat21 · May 30, 2006, 02:06 PM

Yep... 'Nice Guy' is the clingy, needy, jealous, nervous, calls 5 times a day.

J_9 · May 30, 2006, 02:13 PM

What is the definition of the so called "bad guy" that some people say the gals all like?

PrettyLady · May 31, 2006, 12:36 AM

Wildcat, I know you mean well, but you can't speak for everyone. Not all women want jerks. There are many women that like nice guys. I'm considered a beautiful woman, and I don't like jerks. I date only nice guys. We are attracted to people for many different reasons, it could be physical attraction, success, moral values or other reasons. I don't see how some guys think that a woman would prefer a jerk over a good guy. Women that prefer jerks to gentlemen suffer from low self-esteem and no self-respect for themselves. Most women are looking for men with confidence, stability and a backbone. You don't have to be a jerk to get a woman or girl. What you want to be is confident and have good communication skills, and you will meet a lot of great women.

Wildcat21 · May 31, 2006, 07:41 AM

Oh boy... you need to read all my posts... I NEVER EVER said wome nshould date/like jerks... I am totally against it. I with you 100%.

Women want the 'Good guy' NOT the Nice Guy.

Again people... 'Nice Guy' - is the Clingy, Needy, Jealous, no trust guy.

Wildcat21 · May 31, 2006, 10:14 AM

Women should RUN from the jerks... here is the massive crux of the matter... most jerks are smooth in the beginning... good talkers - all they want is sex and use a women.

Guys should RUN from the low self esteem women... these are women with massive issues that need therapy and counseling.

DrJ · May 31, 2006, 12:07 PM

OK, let me see if I can shine some light on the confusion in here...

When we talk about "Nice Guys" we are not talking about every man on the planet that is nice. There is a certain overall attitude that we are trying to convey.

A "Nice Guy" is what Wildcat is talking about: clingy, needy, jealous, no trust, afraid of losing the girl, will do ANYTHING to keep her, buys the drinks, buys the meals, is spineless, no confidence (<~major key to the "Nice Guy")...

The nice guy, they say, finishes last. But in romantic relationships, the nice guy often isn't even in the running. The nice guy is the one that you consider your friend. The nice guy is the person that you can talk to about anything, you feel comfortable with, and feel you can trust.

He is often the person you talk to about "guy" problems, the one you seek when things aren't going well in a relationship. The nice guy may have expressed an interest in dating you and, although you may have thought this to be a compliment, you weren't interested. After all, you are "just friends." The nice guy is the person who you trust and feel comfortable with, but don't see as "fun" or "challenging" or really all that "interesting," other than as a friend, of course.

Now jerks, bad boys, etc all have one thing in common... CONFIDENCE! That is what is attractive! Even if its arrogance, it exudes confidence. They will do what they want and they don't care what others think or say about them. They set themselves apart from the crowd. They stand out in a females mind. They break up the monotony. They're not the guys that will do anything to impress a girl because they don't NEED to TRY to impress girls. This is what is attractive.

Now, its not that you have to be a jerk to get girls, its just that you have to have their kind of attitude. Its not that you can't be a nice (or good) guy to get girls, just don't be spineless.