[white-rose]

Okay excuse my choice of words for my title but I am extremely angry at my little sister right now. She is doing things that I never thought she would ever do. I will fill you in on everything.

My sister is 16 and just got out of an abusive relationship with her 19 year old boyfriend (we willl call him Ben). Everyone is so happy that she got away from him, but it seems as if things are worse than before. I have been happily dating my boyfriend for 2 years we are both 18 and we are the perfect match imaginable. We are planning to get married in the next few years. She recently had been hanging out with my boyfriend's older brother who is 21. My mom being the idiot she is, didn't care as long as she was away from Ben. I walked in one day on my sister and my boyfriend's brother having sex and I almost died. Everyone said that it was none of my business and it would never get that far, but it did and I told everyone it would. I don't know if you can imagine it, but I was very good friends with my boyfriend's brother and he and my sister both told me they would never have any kind of relationship they only liked talking. I was lied to and betrayed to by both of them and I cursed them both out pretty badly, I was in tears and so upset. Me and my boyfriend are now scarred for life from what happened, I don't think we can ever forgive them for what they did. They are remorseless for having sex, and claim that it is none of our business and it doesn't affect us. And while she was doing this with my boyfriend's brother, a guy I know and talk to sometimes (who is 20) just told me he and my sister have had sex over 20 TIMES IN TWO WEEKS. I couldn't believe it, and what's worse, she is not dating her boyfriend anymore, but is giving him oral sex and sex for money. So all of these guys at once she is having sex with.
I can't do anything but complain to my mom about it and tell her that my sister is hurting herself by having so much sex with older men. But she ends up getting mad at me telling me "Well you have sex with your boyfriend, mind your own business, its her decision what she does." I don't know what to do, my family just attacks me for getting mad at my sister, and they make excuses for her because she just got out of an abusive relationship. My family is against me, not her. I don't know what to do, but I am moving out soon and getting away from this. My sister is ruining her life AND mine because of what she did with my boyfriend's brother. HELP?

[beautifullily]

In this situation, have you tried confronting your sister as a friend? Did you sit down and talk with her and try to help her. It is good you are concerned for her, but really people have to be willing to change themselves and help themselves and usually girls at this age are uncontrollable and don't want to listen to anyone. Right now she is thinking of only herself "being selfish" and hopefully one day she will realize that people like yourself care about her and she will change her ways. I don't know what other advice I could give you, but I hope she will help herself. Best thing for you to do is not to give up on her and not stress yourself.

[JBeaucaire]

Well, I'm on your side. I totally get what you're going through. You love her and want her to snap out of it and make better choices, huh? Well, I'm with you.

But that's as far as I can go. Truth is... everyone else is right. They are using words that make it easy for you to ignore them. They say, "Butt out, it's none of your business." That's the right idea, but the wrong words.

Better: "You can't save people from themselves. You can love them, though, so be there for her when she needs you."

The pain you're feeling is understandable. The "scarred for life" stuff... melodramatic and pointless. What is happening is your powerelessness in this situation is frustrating you through the roof.

Again, I'm with you on this... but I just know that you can't do anything about it. Nothing at all. You haven't come to that realization yet.

I'm sorry. You're are going to have to sort of "butt out". Not all the way, you're her sister and she needs to know in clear words that no matter WHAT happens, you will never "I told you so" on her and you will be ready and waiting to help whenever she needs.

Then be true to that. You're her sister, this is the best you can do. Meanwhile, keep leading an exemplary life. People aren't scolded into better places, they are inspired into them. So, inspire her with YOUR choices and your results.

OK?

[white-rose]

Well, I'm on your side. I totally get what you're going through. You love her and want her to snap out of it and make better choices, huh? Well, I'm with you.

But that's as far as I can go. Truth is...everyone else is right. They are using words that make it easy for you to ignore them. They say, "Butt out, it's none of your business." That's the right idea, but the wrong words.

Better: "You can't save people from themselves. You can love them, though, so be there for her when she needs you."

The pain you're feeling is understandable. The "scarred for life" stuff...melodramatic and pointless. What is happening is your powerelessness in this situation is frustrating you through the roof.

Again, I'm with you on this... but I just know that you can't do anything about. Nothing at all. You haven't come to that realization yet.

I'm sorry. You're are going to have to sort of "butt out". Not all the way, you're her sister and she needs to know in clear words that no matter WHAT happens, you will never "I told you so" on her and you will be ready and waiting to help whenever she needs.

Then be true to that. You're her sister, this is the best you can do. Meanwhile, keep leading an exemplary life. People aren't scolded into better places, they are inspired into them. So, inspire her with YOUR choices and your results.

OK?

Thank you for the advice, but like everyone else you are not going through the same thing. Everyone tells me to help my sister but she has done nothing but cause me misery since the last two years. All she does is take and never give, I am constantly used by her and treated like I'm oblivious to what she's doing. And I am choosing to erase her from my life because all she does is cause me pain. I won't hold a grudge but I don't want her in my life right now, all it is is negetivity. EVERYONE tells me to help her, but for what reason? So she can take advantage of my good nature and trust in her, and betray me again? I don't think she deserves my help because our respect for one another has always been a one way street, and its like talking to a brick wall.

[talaniman]

You can't help someone who doesn't want that help, so just protect yourself and if and when she crashes head first into a wall, offer a band aid.

Some people learn the hard way, and its hard to stand by and just watch, because you care.

Make sure her problems don't have you running into a brick wall of your own.

[JBeaucaire]

I'm sorry, I appear to have missed your main point in my first answer. I apologize for that.

So, is your real question: "Why doesn't she appreciate what I do for her and do I have to keep doing it?"

If so, I'm with you again. Blood relative or not, no way do you have to "do" for people who treat you like crap in return. I'm not sure what things you're doing, but feel free to stop them.

Just don't hold those things over her head as if she owes you something. Even if she does "owe" you, this would be pointless. People are gracious or they aren't. You can't talk them into it.

Remove your support, get on with your life. Don't let her lack of life skills and graciousness turn YOU negative. Let her go (or push her away if necessary).

Then respectfully treat her as you would any other stranger. No need to be extra-angry at her just because she's your sister. Let her be her and keep all that energy for your own successful relationships.

I'm with you so far.

[chuff]

Thank you for the advice, but like everyone else you are not going through the same thing. Everyone tells me to help my sister but she has done nothing but cause me misery since the last two years. All she does is take and never give, I am constantly used by her and treated like I'm oblivious to what shes doing. And I am choosing to erase her from my life because all she does is cause me pain. I won't hold a grudge but I don't want her in my life right now, all it is is negetivity. EVERYONE tells me to help her, but for what reason? So she can take advantage of my good nature and trust in her, and betray me again? I don't think she deserves my help because our respect for one another has always been a one way street, and its like talking to a brick wall.

As someone who tried and tried for years to have some kind of relationship with his parents despite being lied to even when having the truth shoved in there face I can tell you at some point when you give everything and get nothing in return it's time to walk away. It's great that you want to help, but at the same time, people in your life will either bring you up or down and this situation they will bring you down, and that's their problem, family members or not. I would quit worrying about it and get out as soon as you can and develop a positive life away from the negative.

[white-rose]

I'm sorry, I appear to have missed your main point in my first answer. I apologize for that.

So, is your real question: "Why doesn't she appreciate what I do for her and do I have to keep doing it?"

If so, I'm with you again. Blood relative or not, no way do you have to "do" for people who treat you like crap in return. I'm not sure what things you're doing, but feel free to stop them.

Just don't hold those things over her head as if she owes you something. Even if she does "owe" you, this would be pointless. People are gracious or they aren't. You can't talk them into it.

Remove your support, get on with your life. Don't let her lack of life skills and graciousness turn YOU negative. Let her go (or push her away if necessary).

Then respectfully treat her as you would any other stranger. No need to be extra-angry at her just because she's your sister. Let her be her and keep all that energy for your own successful relationships.

I'm with you so far.

That's exactly what I think! I won't hold it over my head anymore, she's the one screwing up her life not me. I think my family is very passive, and have this ideology that no matter what anyone in your family does, you must forgive them solely because they are family, like it is some excuse for the bad things they do. But its good to finally hear that it is normal to move on away from a family member.
I will always love my sister but she and I are polar opposites. I have tried pushing her in the right direction but it doesn't work. She is too far into screwing up her life and all I can do at this point is sit back and allow it. She doesn't deserve my attention anymore, and I need to focus on the good things I am doing in my life.
Thank you JBeaucaire, you have helped me a lot.

[white-rose]

As someone who tried and tried for years to have some kind of relationship with his parents despite being lied to even when having the truth shoved in there face I can tell you at some point when you give everything and get nothing in return it's time to walk away. It's great that you want to help, but at the same time, people in your life will either bring you up or down and this situation they will bring you down, and that's their problem, family members or not. I would quit worrying about it and get out as soon as you can and develop a positive life away from the negative.

I believe that is the only solution to this problem, because its not really my problem its hers. And I think people become stronger once they make their own life and focus on themselves for a while. And moving out will be the best thing.

[JBeaucaire]

Glad to help.

One parting thought. I agree with your parents, we should be ready to forgive, perhaps OVER forgive, our family members.

But what they mean by that isn't the same as I mean. They mean, "put up with it." I mean "forgive them and let the negative energy go." It's not the same thing at all.

Forgiving someone lets YOU get on with your life and stop wasting energy on the offensive behaviors. In effect, forgiving someone could be seen as a selfish thing to do... you do it to be able to dismiss them more readily. Does that make sense?

So, forgive your sister's self-destructiveness. That frees YOU up. You don't condone, you don't participate, you don't enable... but you can forgive and move safely away from it.

[redwee74]

You can't help her she has to help herself and most people have to crash and burn before they learn. So be there for her then and guide her as much as she will let you. The action of your sister reflects bad on your family but she has her life and will do what she wants. Don't erase them from your life just always be there with help not reprimands.

[Romefalls19]

You can do nothing to help her, she has to make her own decisions. She will eventually see that this type of behavior makes her self worth really low.

[Chery]

The only thing I have to add to the already great advice you've received is that you cannot and should not waste your time and energy in attempting to instill your values on another person, be it a family member or stranger.

Your sister has not been nurtured as you were otherwise she would have the same values, so what happened? Did your parents split up or has something significant happen that changed all of your lives within a few years? I don't need to know this, but it is something for you to think about to help you understand why your sister decided to take a different path in life that you don't agree with. It might make it easier for you to forgive and also not feel guilty for leaving her on her own. You are not her keeper, just her sister, so you are not responsible for her decisions.

Once you have gone on and established your own life you will be more at peace away from all the stress - because distance is what you need, as has been said.

We all feel that family should be important, and they are, but not to the point where they cause inner turmoil. That's when it is time to leave the nest (so to speak).

When you leave, give her a big hug and wish her well, and go on with your life. That's all we can do. You can love her, but she needs to learn to lover herself and regain her self-respect - and only she can do this.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.

Remember, none of this is your doing, and you certainly cannot undo it, just move on.