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MimiGirl · Oct 1, 2008, 08:18 AM

Hello,
There is a problem that I need some advice on.. Iam passing throug a really difficult moment and feel very depressed. Right now, Iam at work and since last night my eyes can't stop getting watery from what I found out yesterday from the love of my life, my husband..
The major problem of mine is that Iam really nosy and yesterday while me and my husband were chatting online while working by mistake he typed in his password for his Yahoo email and gmail(they both were the same password).. I know that the following thing that I did was really wrong and I should have hold myself back and respect his privacy but I couldn't help but log in to his emails and look..
We recently got married like around 5 months ago but Ive always felt their was something missing.. I think to negative of him and Iam a very jealous person and know that I have to fix that.. (beleive me that I have cryed so many nights thinking that I may be a bad wife to him)..
Well back to the email situation.. I opened his email and noticed that just last year around August 29 (we began talking around march 14 of last year and met personally for the 1st time on July 14 also of last year '07) Well I noticed that he sent a email to his 1st ex girlfriend just cause he saw her in a reunion from afar.. From what I've remember of what I read he asked her how she was doing and also her family- that he saw her sitting in the same area as always and that if she wanted to chat more to contact him through IM at night.. She eventually replied saying that everything was OK and that she also saw him from afar she also agreed that it was great seeing him and also added that she wishes that when they met back in 2001 it would have been better if they were both older cause supposebly they made a lot of mistakes because they were young and stupid and that's why things didn't work out between them.. The story of their breakup is that back in 2001 she cheated on my husband.. So back to the email, Iam guessing that they spoke on the phone that same night they saw each other cause he replied to her email telling her that the Saturday that they both hang up he wanted to see pass by and see her to catch up on things.. Iam guessing that they also spoke about me by the phone cause she replied to his email saying that she wants to meet me and that if I know about her.. He replied saying that it wouldn't be a good idea if she were to meet me cause Iam a jealouse type.. She then replied saying that she is glade that they didn't meet that night because if I probably would have not liked it that they met.. So basically, I don't know how to feel anymore.. I know that this happened last year but how do I know for certain that he is over her and not chatting or talking to her anymore..
I couldn't help but tell him what I did (sometimes I wish that I didn't and kept a watchout to make sure he isn't talking to her no more) He got really angry for what I did and kept on saying that I was invading his privacy and that no man likes that.. I felt terrible and felt like a horrible person.. I scooped so low and hate it.. But I still can't take out of my mine that when he was dating me (and telling me how much he loves me and wants to marry me) he was still talking to his ex on the phone and online. Their wasn't any recent email from her since then but he could have deleted it.. He has told me before that they were really good friends but he also told me that she hurted him deeply for doing what she did to him (cheated).. So how could he still be hooked on someone that made him suffer and didn't care about him.. Sometimes I feel like he hasn't gotten over her and that he is just using me to forget about her or to somehow hurt her showing her that he moved on. I feel like I am a object and he has told me several times that he loves me with all his heart - but why then still talk to your 1st ex.. what do I do? I am so confused and hurt

talaniman · Oct 1, 2008, 09:35 AM

Can't you see that lack of communications, and your own insecurities, and jealousy is leading you down a very unhealthy path?

Iam guessing that they also spoke about me by the phone cause she replied to his email saying that she wants to meet me and that if I know about her..He replied saying that it wouldnt be a good idea if she were to meet me cause Iam a jealouse type..She then replied saying that she is glade that they didn't meet that night because if I probably would have not liked it that they met.. So basically, I don't know how to feel anymore..

Get yourself calmed down, and talk to your husband. This honestly doesn't sound like cheating, but friendship.

Your husband is afraid of your reactions, and I would be too. Only you can change that.

Before we married, my wife met ALL of my female friends, and they are now her friends, and in a few cases seem to have kicked me to the curb for her.

The point is work on your issues, and tell your husband how you feel, but your working on it.

Romefalls19 · Oct 1, 2008, 09:49 AM

Serious lack of communication here, as yes you did violate his privacy. A simple e-mail to an ex is nothing to lose your mind over, now if it said "I want to jump your bones right now" then you can be worried.

Just calmly take to your husbands and I'm sure he will remove any doubt in your mind as he doesn't sound like a bad guy. You just attacked him with this information and his lashed back.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 1, 2008, 10:11 AM

Yes, husband is going to have to take a long time to get trust of you again, This is going to be hard to work out. You both need to talk.

I talk to my ex on the phone about once a week, big deal we are friends.

Feel you are totally over reacting and need to talk things out

MimiGirl · Oct 1, 2008, 02:24 PM

I thank all of you for your replies.. I just really have to work on trusting him.. I just don't understand why his ex would tell him that she wishes that if they were older when they both met things would have been different and she wouldn't not made the mistakes she did.. is this a sign that she still might have feelings for him?

MimiGirl · Oct 1, 2008, 02:29 PM

He also changed his password to one of his emails and left the other one with the one I know and the one that I found those emails

DonaldM_23 · Oct 1, 2008, 02:52 PM

The first thing you will have to do is work on the jealousy issue. Marriage equals trust and if you can't trust him, get ready for a lot of sad days. The second thing you need to do is have a open line of communication, yes you were wrong to invade his privacy. Now that you know what happen in the past work on a better future. Married couples go through ups and downs all the time, it's how you get through the bad times that makes your marriage stronger.

Synnen · Oct 1, 2008, 03:17 PM

My husband used to have my email passwords. That changed when he "snooped" and totally misread the tone of a few emails and we fought for WEEKS about it.

YOU are making a big deal out of nothing. Everyone re-hashes their relationship at some point if they become friends again with their ex. Doesn't mean she has feelings for him other than friendship, just that she regrets how their relationship ended.

Seriously--you need to get a grip. Talking to an ex is NOT cheating, especially if the only reason he didn't tell you is because you'd act JUST like you're acting right now.

Believe me, honey--most women don't want your man as much as you do. And since you cite NO evidence that he has given you ANY reason not to trust him, then why are you so jealous and possessive and not trusting?

I suggest a counselor to get over whatever it is that makes you so insecure in yourself and in your relationship.

chuff · Oct 1, 2008, 09:34 PM

To take this a step further you say that you "guess" a lot. People guess lottery numbers, your husbands emotions and your accusations need to be based on facts.

notbigthing · Oct 2, 2008, 12:39 AM

Do NOT access his email again, even you know one of the password, we all need privacy, your hubby as well. I still talk to my ex once per month, does that mean I want reconciliation with him? Totally no. we hv been known each other for 20 years, so, its so comfortable for him to vent to me when he hd some trouble at work or with his wife, or just need some advice, we got to know each other since I was 13, so, we messed things up, certainly, since we were so young, if we were older, things would be different.we got over each other, and now we can talk as friends. So, get my drift? Talk to an ex, is not a big deal, that doesn't mean cheat, unless you get solid evidence. Marriage need trust. You got married, doesn't mean you can't hv opposite sex friends.