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Revival · Sep 30, 2008, 06:20 PM

I'm in a situation where an ex girlfriend lied to me about birth control. Aside from this fact, she has previously told me she was suicidle, also made hint that she has cancer, and has also tried blackmailing me into getting back together. If she chooses to take me to court, is it possible for me to push for her being an unfit mother and pushing for the child to be put up for adoption?

zawatska · Sep 30, 2008, 06:28 PM

You can accuse her of being an unfit mother all day, but they need proof that she is too unfit to care for the child... they will probably have her talk to a shrink, and see how she acts around the child. You and her BOTH have to agree to put the child up for adoption. And if you want to give up your parental rights, then the mother of your child would have to have someone else like a new husband or new boyfriend to want to adopt that child, that is if the mother didn't want to put your child up for adoption...

What state are you in? Did you get a paternity test proving you are the father?

Revival · Sep 30, 2008, 06:33 PM

The child isn't born yet, apparently she's engaged to be married to a new boyfriend next year sometime. As for the praternity test I haven't had it yet obviously. However as for proof, I do have messages from MSN conversations Facebook, etc of her saying all of the suicidle stuff, and blackmail, etc etc.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 30, 2008, 06:43 PM

This may not may not be allowed as evidence, hard to say, time to start getting an attorney.

But to adopt both bio parents are suppose to have to sign the adoption papers

zawatska · Sep 30, 2008, 06:49 PM

Well when the child is born, do not sign the birth certificate until you take a paternity test and find out if you're the father! Does she say you're the father? And why would you want to accuse her of being an unfit mother if you want to put the kid up for adoption? Why do you care? And maybe she is saying she's suicidal because she wants attention and she's hormonal from being pregnant? You never know, babies change some women, she could be the best mother!

Synnen · Oct 1, 2008, 07:11 AM

Originally Posted by zawatska

Well when the child is born, do not sign the birth certificate until you take a paternity test and find out if you're the father! Does she say you're the father? And why would you want to accuse her of being an unfit mother if you want to put the kid up for adoption? Why do you care? And maybe she is saying she's suicidal because she wants attention and shes hormonal from being pregnant? You never know, babies change some women, she could be the best mother!

Believe it or not, some parents want what is best for their child--and this is one of those cases where I could see adoption being better than having an unstable mother who slanders the father and turns the child against the father regardless what he does, yet he has to pay child support the rest of his life for a kid that the mother makes hate him---why do you THINK he cares?

I agree, though, that it's time to get a lawyer. You're going to have to fight for any custody or visitation that you want if she does NOT choose to place the child for adoption.

ScottGem · Oct 1, 2008, 07:50 AM

Custody would not be enough. You would have to get the mother's rights terminated (voluntarily or involuntarily) and that would be a very difficult thing to do.

zawatska · Oct 1, 2008, 11:04 AM

If the father did something wrong to the mother, than I think she has the right to "slander" him. Just because the parents don't get along doesn't mean the child will or has to suffer. And I don't recall reading anything about how the father thinks the mother will turn the child against him... it seems to me the father is just scared of growing up and stepping up as a father. And the child isn't even born yet!

Revival · Oct 1, 2008, 10:17 PM

Here's the whole deal. I started dating this girl, she told me right off the hop that she was on the shot. Now three months into the relationship she gets pregnant, I ask her to bring me proof that she was on birthcontrol she keeps saying she is but refuses to take me to the doctor with her or bring me any confirmation on it. Thusly, because she lied to me about something this big, I end it. This being in May. Since then she has told me she is suicidle, she tells me I have to get back together with her for the child's sake, I tell her no way, she says she's going to jump off a bridge. About three weeks later, she starts trying to blackmail me, as I am moving away to go to school, she says if I come back to her after school, she won't make me pay child support, yada yada yada. I tell her I won't get back together, she says see you in court. Sometime later, she drops a hint saying she has cancer *again I call bs* and asks if anything happened to her would I take care of the child, to which I responded depends on the situation. Now, two weeks ago, she accuses me of cheating on her while we were together, tells me flat out she lied about birth control because a) she couldn't afford it and b) a doctor told her when she was a child that she couldn't have children, while a year or two ago she had a miscarriage. On top of this apparently she's engaged to an ex boyfriend, they've moved in together and are planning on getting married next summer. Now every last thing of this I have on Facebook and msn conversations. The girl is absolutely insane, now with me going to school, I will not be able to support a child, and she is obviously not fit to be a mom, so what is it I need to bring into court to get her deemed an unfit mother?

Synnen · Oct 2, 2008, 12:28 AM

You need to get a lawyer.

Period.

Proving a parent unfit is one of the hardest court cases EVER. Getting a child taken away from a parent even harder. And unfortunately, everyone looks at a guy who broke up with a pregnant girlfriend who is trying to get her to choose adoption as the bad guy, because he walked, and now he doesn't want to "pay his dues" by paying child support.

I don't support that theory at all--but a lot of people will, and it'd be a tough case.

You are going to need a lawyer, and a really GOOD lawyer.

Let's put it this way: is it worth paying NOW for a lawyer, or paying the rest of your life by having to be connected to this woman though a child and child support payments.

Final lesson in all of this: ALWAYS use a condom, and don't have sex with anyone that you're not willing to have a kid with.

zawatska · Oct 2, 2008, 03:34 AM

Exactly... and I hate when the whole story isn't told.

ScottGem · Oct 2, 2008, 05:36 AM

First of all it is NOT anywhere close to obvious that she is unfit to be a mom let alone insane.

What I see is a woman who is panicked by the fact of her pregancy. This is causing her to make some decisions out of desparation. But that's nowhere near enough to prove unfitness or insanity.

I've said this before, but no one should engage in sexual intercourse unless they are emotionally and financially ready to have a child. You could have protected yourself with a condom, but you chose the more risky behavior, now you are paying the price.

zawatska · Oct 2, 2008, 05:43 AM

Like always, your right!

Revival · Oct 2, 2008, 04:44 PM

A) I did not post this up here to be lectured about sexual safety, s*** happens big deal.
B) At the age of 21, you really think a lot of people show restraint about whom they have sex with, let alone protection? It's great to preach and prod at the people in a situation but I'm sure people in this situation, such as myself, so enough with the should haves, have heard it from every angle.
C) Final question *and for the love of god no more "you shouldves" because it can't be erased* since apparently she is engaged before the child has even been born, would it be possible to push for the fiancé of this girl to adopt the child as soon as it is born? Or is that in itself a waste of time?

zawatska · Oct 2, 2008, 05:43 PM

If that is what the new husband wants to do, and you AND the mother agree on it, then yeah it's possible.

ScottGem · Oct 2, 2008, 05:45 PM

A) You apparently don't understand how this works. Once you post something you open yourself up for people's responses. People will respond the way THEY think appropriate, not the way you want.
B) Actually I do expect that. Yes, there are plenty of people who think with their libidos instead of their brains. That doesn't make it right. I believe there are also plenty of people who would show restraint or, at least, some sense of self preservation.

One of the advantages of a site like this is people can learn from other's experiences. So it makes sense for us to point out a better way.

C) If the boyfriend is willing to sign the birth certificate and acknowledge paternity, then he would be considered the legal father. Unless the actual bio father contests it (and I don't see why you would) then that would let you off the hook. The mother could change her mind though.

zawatska · Oct 2, 2008, 05:49 PM

Exactly what I just said. :-]

Revival · Oct 2, 2008, 06:04 PM

It's the internet, of course I know how it works. People will inevitably jump on the back of someone in a manner to say haha I told you so. Exactly how message boards work. Not saying I didn't expect half the response I've received Gem, just I'd appreciate going without them, as I've heard every single response out there already. Hence, its rather annoying to hear the same "oh you should've done this" I didn't, this happened, now I'm looking for advice, hence I posted on here. You're entitled to your opinion doesn't mean I have to agree with it, nor agree with the reasoning behind it, you want people to learn from the experience let them read the initial post, and the subsequent story afterwards behind it. That's where they'll learn something, not from you running your mouth about "use your head not your " rant. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the obvious "get a lawyer" comment you've repeatedily put up there, and the other tidbit that he, her and I all have to come to an agreement, but when someone's in a situation like this, use your judgement and naturally assume that all your 'parental instincts' have already been nurtured previously by others.

ScottGem · Oct 2, 2008, 06:24 PM

You really should review this thread. The initial responses, dealt directly with the questions you had. It wasn't until you started whining about being taken advantage of and trashing this girl when beyond what she did that we started moralizing.

So we DID use our judgement and no we can't assume that you have already gotten the lecture.

Revival · Oct 2, 2008, 06:39 PM

I wound up with "one of those women who every woman out there hates because it depicts us so badly" and I told the story as is. I trashed her because who wants to put up with that kind of bs in any form? I'm not an old fashioned male in this materialistic world good sir. Just because she's going to be having my kid doesn't mean I am obligated to stay with her. She betrayed trust, amongst that, has caused me a massive headache I am unprepaired for. However, yes you are entitled to your opinion, whether I agree with it, I'll give it to you. But you cannot tell me that if you were in my shoes you would not be livid at the fact that someone would take advantage of you in such a manner that it literally alters your life, at the age of 21. A high % of all children are mistakes, not planned, that is a sad statistic but a true one. However, instances like this are ones that specifically need guidance, not I told you so's. Put yourself in my shoes, you're 21 years old, been working towards paying tuition so you can go back to school, to achieve that goal of a career. You find a girl that you feel could be a fit, then when it starts to come apart, she's pregnant after telling you she was on birth control, and expects you to forfeit what you've been working towards to be with her. Would you prefer the guidance or the told you so?