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hlm0925 · May 22, 2006, 11:22 AM

Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year. I am very heart broken right now because we were engaged but I made a decision to give the ring back. His mother and I has a miscommunication over where a date a time for a party for myself was. After that she ripped into me about the miscommunication and bascially blamed it all on me. This has put a strain on our relationship as a couple. The all of a sudden he calls to ask her a question and she tells him to think long and hard about if he wants to be with me or not. She sayds he could find somebody better, that I am taking him for a ride, and that I pressured him into a ring and a dog. However, they were both his ideas obviously. Before this she would tell me she loved me and thought the world of me. I just do not understand and want things back to normal. However, he is supporting me, but if he really did not listen to what his mother said then why would he accept the ring back? I am super confused. Please let me know what you think...

Krs · May 22, 2006, 11:37 AM

One thing I can say from some experience. Never allow any in law to get in d way of your relationship.
Im sure you're both not kids and can decided the best for both of you together.
Ask him why he accepted the ring back.. he's d one to ask.
And also why did you give him the ring back? He is probably asking himself that question!

kp2171 · May 22, 2006, 11:56 AM

I'm a little confused... was the party incident the first problem and all of this is coming after or was there strain before, the ring was given back, and then this party thing and the phone calls happened?

Was giving the ring back a result of her being upset from the miscommunucation and her anger after... or did you give the ring back before she got upset?

Chery · May 22, 2006, 01:18 PM

You should take this issue up with him. Any insecurities on your part of why he accepted the ring - you'd know best - depending on how you've been communicating lately.

This could have put a strain on both of you - setting dates, planning the future, and then his mother. If she has always been in the planning of everything and she's got a strong personality - you both are putting him under pressure and he might be in conflict on who to please.

When a couple plans on marriage, it's a long process of getting to know each other during all emotional stages and learning how to best handle it. Ignoring a situation is not going to help - not at all.

So, please post your questions to him, and together find an amiable solution, or you'll have to reassess why you accepted the ring in the first place and what you want out of this relationship.

The key here is communication - with him.

Good luck dear, and please keep us posted.

If you cannot trust your feelings toward each other now, you'll always have doubts - that's not a good basis for marriage. Remember why you fell in love in the first place, and build on that.

hlm0925 · May 23, 2006, 07:01 AM

Thanks for replying. I told him yesterday that I made a big mistkae by giving him the ring, and I probably hurt his feelings. I told him I wanted the ring back eventually when he is ready because I want to be his wife regardless of what others think. I let her affect my relationship with him. However, yesterday I went to pick up my new car, because I got a new job... and when I got in it he gave me my ring back and told me that he already proposed to me and he wanted me to wear the ring. I really love him, but I want a good relationship with his mom too. However, she wants nothing to do with me. I guess I have to keep on going. Do you think he gave the ring back because he loves me or because he felt like it was what I wanted. I don't know.

Krs · May 23, 2006, 07:43 AM

Oh he loves you, otherwise it was a good opportunity for him to say " NO ", but he didn't so don't worry.

And try not to get wound up and upset about his mother.
You are engaged to him not the mother
And
You are going to be married to him and not to her.. :)

Can I ask he is an only child?

Krs · May 23, 2006, 07:55 AM

RICKJ
This is another thread that is not appearing under my profile, while it should be as I replied to it.

hlm0925 · May 23, 2006, 10:31 AM

Yes he is an only child. But he doesn't like to spend too much time with her because he has also gotten into it with her in the past. He always has tried to not do things in the town she lives in. If they are not close at all then why is she saying all this stuff.

talaniman · May 23, 2006, 10:39 AM

Get over the insecurities and relate to your future husband. Mom in law can come later if at all.:cool: :rolleyes:

Krs · May 23, 2006, 10:54 AM

Originally Posted by hlm0925

Yes he is an only child. But he doesn't like to spend too much time with her because he has also gotten into it with her in the past. He always has tried to not do things in the town she lives in. If they are not close at all then why is she saying all this stuff.

I asked you whether he is an only child as I gathered so from how you described her to be.
She is jealous. Mothers of an only son get jealous when they know their only son loves another woman.
For plenty of reasons, attention, love, care etc.

All I can say is, be nice to her as much as you can, but never ever let her interefer with your life together because she will try as she has done in the past.

I know this, I've seen it happen with my parents and myself. If my parents weren't so strong together as a couple and put themselves first they would have probably end up separating due to some of her actions.

Just be on top of yourself and Please don't let her get in the way.
Your life as a couple is between YOU and YOUR MAN ALONE :)

kp2171 · May 23, 2006, 10:56 PM

Being polite to her doesn't mean you should be weak.

You will be best known by your actions. It might be a good time to take one last jab at mending the relationship with her or at least letting her get the anger out of her system... tell her you are sincerely sorry about the miscommunication... she might need to let loose, if she hasn't yet... she might have some angry things to say to you. But it might be a good time to let her have the chance to be mad (as she obviously is) and say it out loud to you. When she's done, do your best to remind her that you are sorry about the mistake and you both love the same man. You know he loves you and you intend to do right by the relationship.

I would not spend a lot of energy verbally trying to defend yourself. You don't need to deflect the blows back at her. This is just a chance to let her get it out of her system. I know I've had those moments... where I've pent up anger or frustration and finally saying what I had to say to the person it was directed at eased the tension a bit.

Maybe then shell begin to let it go.

And as I said, your actions and how you treat her son will win her back in the long run. If not, and she continues to be mean spirited... well, then id try to not worry too much about it. And, as others have said, if she continues to cause problems... don't back down. Stand your ground and stay as calm as you can. Usually people who rant out of anger or spite make themselves out to be fools without anyone else's help.

Stormy69 · May 24, 2006, 04:03 AM

Three words... Monster-In-Law!
I have the mother-in-law from hell... however I do not let her have any bearing on my relationship with my husband.. He knows she is the way she is and he supports ME 100% and we don't let her interfere in our marriage( although she tries believe me! )
This is what love and marriage is all about.. Just let her feelings and opinions about you roll off your back.. Im sure she will come around eventually.. No mother ever thinks any woman is good enough for her only son. Hang in there. If you love him and it is meant to be, don't let her ruin your life.

fredg · May 24, 2006, 04:21 AM

Hi,
The answer before mine is very good, about both partners supporting each other. If your boyfriend is with you, and agrees with you, then you both can support each other concerning his Mom.
But, IF your boyfriend does not agree with your feelings about his Mom, then there will be trouble. He will take sides with her, sometimes not even knowing he is doing it. Marriage in itself, has it's own issues between both partners. Whenever other family members step in, it just makes it that much harder to work out.
I do hope your boyfriend supports you, loves you, and will not let his Mom make decisions for him. If he does, then again, there will be problems in the marriage. After 29 yrs of marriage, and a mother-in-law who didn't hate me, but questioned a lot of things I did, it's been an experience! My wife finally started agreeing with me, after about 15 yrs, when she saw just how her Mom was acting. Best of luck.

hlm0925 · May 24, 2006, 06:12 AM

I know I have to get over all the insecurites of this whole thing. However, even though I have the ring back, I do not feel happy because of the whole situation. I need his affection and I just don't see enough of it. This whole thing has put me through the ringer.

Krs · May 24, 2006, 06:13 AM

Why though, explain more, is he acting weird? What's going on?

hlm0925 · May 24, 2006, 06:26 AM

He is just a southern boy who likes to keep to himself. When we first started dating he seemed like this fun man who wanted to please me. Now he just sits in front of the TV. I mean, he talks to me when he wants to. He sometimes makes jokes he thinks is funny, and I find myslef laughing just to please him. I hug, or just a simple "you look nice", would make me feel better, but he doesn't show any of that hardly, especially since the phonce conversation with his mom. It makes me sad to think about it, because it hurts to look at our pictures just thinking that 3 weeks ago I was happy and he was happy, but now it all changed because of a phone conversation.

Krs · May 24, 2006, 06:58 AM

To be honest I don't know how a southern boy should act, seeing as I'm from the med :)

You should suggest to him to go out more and enjoying doing things together. Take initative yourself to do thngs together. Oraganise a nice meal for 2 together - book it all yourself, and then see how he reacts to that.

Maybe he is upset too due to mishap of the phone with his mum.

s_cianci · May 28, 2006, 06:42 PM

Maybe he's confused about your intentions in having given him the ring back. Maybe you and his mother don't communicate well but that is not your problem as a couple. It's him you're marrying, not his mother. It sounds like you and he seem to understand that so I really don't think you have a problem as long as you'er honest and upfront with each other. As for his mother, if she loves and respects her son then in time I'm sure she'll come to love and respect his choice of a wife as well, despite your one "miscommunication", which can and will happen from time to time as we're all only human. Hopefully you and she both understand that.

jeffatl · May 28, 2006, 06:53 PM

Wow, that was a bit on the HARSH side huh? What are you going to do if you have problems in the future with his mother? I think you were kind of out of line going that far for something this petty. Maybe you are not ready to marry this guy arfter all... Also, doesn't sound like that was the way to smooth things out with his mother because Im sure she doesn't think much of you right now for hurting her son because of something between you two... Yipes.

Jayjay027 · May 28, 2006, 06:56 PM

Yea, he maybe feels a little unhappy with you, not because you and his mother had a misunderstanding, but because you gave the ring back to him.

Show him that you really do love him, show him that you care about him, and make sure he knows that giving the ring back was a big mistake on your part.

Im sure this will blow over, given time.