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liz28 · Sep 25, 2008, 05:11 PM

Me and my boyfriend will be getting married next year. I will be making everything myself and already made the bridemaids dresses and will be working on mines after I give birth to our son. At first there was a diagreement with his mother regarding the color I choose for the dress, ice blue, but she came around and is open with to the idea.

Now the problem is his ex wife. She is a bitter lady and sometimes goes out her way to get a negative reaction from people. They been divorce since 1999 and she remarried 2 years later and is still married to the guy. She is more upset that we are having a baby then us getting married. She lives in a different state and they do have a 13 year old son.

Once she found out I was pregnant she contacted his entire family to let them know it was unfair for him to have another child and it's unfair to their child. Now their son knows about the baby and is happy to become a big brother and always tells us that he isn't jealous but his mom is. I found out a few weeks ago that she is unable to have kids now and that expain her bitterness.

The problems is we had a date set for our wedding since July and we even called her before setting the date to make sure she didn't have any trips set so his son can come. Today she called to say their son can't make it because she taking him on a cruise. She did this out of spike and now by boyfriend is upset and so am I. I tried and went out my way to be nice to this lady but she don't want to be nice. There is nothing going on between them too so that isn't a problem nor issue.

I just want everything to be civil and don't mind changing the date because it's not written in stone. We want his son there but she don't. In return his son calls and don't understand her behavior. He is smart boy and is on the honor roll. When she finds out he's calling us she takes his cellphone away, that the father pays for, but gives it back to him once she cools out. We both know it's a no win matter with her but hopes she comes around. Now we are planning our wedding around the time he has him. I jusu curious how would others handle this situation with the ex or have anyone ever had to deal with an ex and if so how did you handle it?

twinkiedooter · Sep 26, 2008, 06:19 PM

The best way to handle this would be to not tell her any specific date and just proceed with the wedding when he has custody of his son, otherwise she will never let him attend. Her convenient vacation cruise is a good indicator she will go to any lengths to deprive her son of attending his father's wedding. Don't even tell the son of the intended date (use a fake date instead to throw her off) and just let it be a surprise when he is visiting dad.

I can't see any other way around her and her jealous actions.

Good luck and congratulations on the new little one!

liz28 · Sep 26, 2008, 06:47 PM

Thank you! We plan to do actually what you said and we discuss this with his family and they're on board with the idea too.

I was talking with my mother-in-law earlier and she told me she was jealous of the baby because she's afraid it will lower her child support.

However, I won't let her steal my thunder or cause me any stress. I will continue to be civil with her and be the bigger person and ignore her.

seahippie · Sep 26, 2008, 07:47 PM

Great idea twinkiedooter

numberonemommy · Oct 31, 2008, 05:53 AM

That's the main reason ex's get mad when there are more children involved. My stepsons mother only started being nasty to me when we had our daughter because the child support did go down. And when we have the next one it'll probably go down some more because we will be filing for less due to the additional child.

liz28 · Oct 31, 2008, 06:57 AM

Yep! That's the whole reason why she is mad because of child support.

numberonemommy · Oct 31, 2008, 07:00 AM

It shouldn't be about that, especially since she's married. I know when you get involved with someone who has a child by someone else, if you marry, then you take on those responsibilities too, and it shouldn't be about getting any other money. This is just showing that she's being selfish now because she's making it more about her and not the child.

My husband and I plan on having a big family if we can afford it, because we love big families, I was one of 4 kids, and I loved it. It's just a plus that cs goes down with the more children in a household, but we'r hoping to eventually get custody of my stepson anyway, so then that won't mean anything.

liz28 · Oct 31, 2008, 07:20 AM

Your right but that's why I am ignoring her and not letting her get to me. It just silly for an adult to act this way. Her and my fiancé have nothing going on and she using the son as a pawn but luckily he is at the age where he sees everything for hims

liz28 · Oct 31, 2008, 07:23 AM

Your right but that's why I am ignoring her and not letting her get to me. It just silly for an adult to act this way. Her and my fiancé have nothing going on and she using the son as a pawn but luckily he is at the age where he sees everything for himself and hopefully she will come around. But she is married and has been since 1999. She even have 2 stepkids that live with her because her husband has custody of his 2 kids so you will think she would act different but I guess not.

numberonemommy · Oct 31, 2008, 07:26 AM

Mmm yeah I guess not, sounds like she just needs to grow up. Do they get child support from her husbands ex for the kids? Geez, she really is a bit greedy isn't she.

momof2isme · Nov 16, 2008, 11:27 AM

I am a wedding consultant and have dealt with this problem before. ( I am also married to a man with an ex and children from that relationship.) The way my bride handled it was to tell the side of the family that talked to the ex's side that the wedding was planned for a specific day. But the wedding was actually held on a holiday when her fiancé has his son for visitation and the entire family was together anyway. (Her wedding was held on Christmas eve and IT WAS BEAUTIFUL) The ex never knew what hit her since she demanded to have the son on christmas day! Good luck and keep us posted!

starbuck8 · Nov 16, 2008, 02:22 PM

It sounds like an awful lot of game playing going on here to me. You are all talking about the ex using the children, well don't you think some here that are patting themselves on the back by using fake dates and underhanded tactics are doing the same here?

Did I read right when I read that having more children is a strategy to get out of paying child support for the child their husband made? What a wonderful idea that is! So all of you that are blaming the ex for getting the money that is well deserved for the child HE made, should be ashamed of yourselves. THAT is using an innocent child to further your own selfish motives. Your husbands laid down with these women and made a baby. It is NOT the new husbands responsibility to take care of someone else's child, just because he chose to marry that child's mother! Unbelievable!

N0help4u · Nov 16, 2008, 04:33 PM

Sounds to me like no matter what date you make your wedding she will spitefully make an excuse of something else being more important that he can't make it.
Sounds like she is making the rules according to what is convenient to her because on the one hand she says contacted his entire family to let them know it was unfair for him to have another child and it's unfair to their child, yet on the other hand she is preventing the son from attending a very special day for his dad. So she is manipulative rather than looking out for the best interests of the son.
Also she contacted his entire family to let them know it was unfair for him to have another child and it's unfair to their child. In time the entire family will see her behavior as childish and petty and not take anything she says very serious and even maybe see her as a drama queen that is being ridiculous.

liz28 · Nov 22, 2008, 02:57 PM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

It sounds like an awful lot of game playing going on here to me. You are all talking about the ex using the children, well don't you think some here that are patting themselves on the back by using fake dates and underhanded tactics are doing the same here?

Did I read right when I read that having more children is a strategy to get out of paying child support for the child their husband made? What a wonderful idea that is! So all of you that are blaming the ex for getting the money that is well deserved for the child HE made, should be ashamed of yourselves. THAT is using an innocent child to further your own selfish motives. Your husbands layed down with these women and made a baby. It is NOT the new husbands responsibility to take care of someone elses child, just because he chose to marry that childs mother! Unbelievable!

I have no idea what your talking about because I never stated any where in this thread about me and my fiancé having a baby to stop child support. Actually, I stated his ex wife was concern that if we have a baby her child support payments will be lower.

Second, your thought about us changing dates had to be in reference to us changing our wedding date. The reason for that was because we already had a set wedding date but then out of the blue she stated their son couldn't attend because they are going away on vacation. So to make sure that didn't happen in the future we planned our special day around the time my fiancé has him.

southerngalps · Nov 22, 2008, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

I have no idea what your talking about because I never stated any where in this thread about me and my fiance having a baby to stop child support. Actually, I stated his ex wife was concern that if we have a baby her child support payments will be lower.

Second, your thought about us changing dates had to be in reference to us changing our wedding date. The reason for that was because we already had a set wedding date but then out of the blue she stated their son couldn't attend because they are going away on vacation. So to make sure that didn't happen in the future we planned our special day around the time my fiance has him.

I believe starbuck8 was commenting on numberonemommy's post.

She referrenced to child support and having more kids.

momof2isme · Nov 22, 2008, 03:13 PM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

It sounds like an awful lot of game playing going on here to me. You are all talking about the ex using the children, well don't you think some here that are patting themselves on the back by using fake dates and underhanded tactics are doing the same here?

Did I read right when I read that having more children is a strategy to get out of paying child support for the child their husband made? What a wonderful idea that is! So all of you that are blaming the ex for getting the money that is well deserved for the child HE made, should be ashamed of yourselves. THAT is using an innocent child to further your own selfish motives. Your husbands layed down with these women and made a baby. It is NOT the new husbands responsibility to take care of someone elses child, just because he chose to marry that childs mother! Unbelievable!

Have you ever dealt with an ex? All I'm saying is that even in the best of situations things can be touchy. And from what this woman said, the ex has gone out of her way to be mean. And YES the child IS in the middle. But the woman who started this thread said the date wasn't in stone to accommodate the ex. The ex went out an booked a cruise PURPOSELY on the day the original wedding was set. So If my advise of planning a wedding and keeping the date secret sounds sneaky then so be it. The dad of this child has a right to have his son there too. And from the sound of it, the son wants to be there. So who really gets hurt here?

liz28 · Nov 22, 2008, 03:13 PM

Nohelp, thank you for your comment along with everyone else.

I had forgot about this thread and since it was posted me and her actually went out for lunch and she apologize and I thought that was very big of her because she don't normally do that. Either his family was shocked.

She is remarried and have been since 2000. Her reason for being mad was because she can't have no more kids, due to after birth to their son, and she was upset that he was having a baby and she even wished I miscarried. She stated that her husband got her case everyday about this issue and it was interferring with her marriage and came to the conclusion to deal with it because after all it is her son brother and she wants the two to know each other. Her and her husband is going look into adoption because she realize how much she wants another child. After lunch we actually hung out for a while and I got to see her good side.

Me and my fiancé never tried to bring his son in between any of this but instead we wanted everyone to get along. My fiancé met my daughter's father and they get along and I thought the same could happen between me and his ex wife. Through all her nastiness I was still nice to her, and she said so herself. I never got into their business between him and her son and anytime his son was over I treated him as my own. We both wanted things to go smoothly and after meeting with her I think things will be different in the future.

Thanks again to all that responded.

southerngalps · Nov 22, 2008, 03:18 PM

It's good to hear that she has calmed... and her nasty ways may part.

If we could all be so fortunate with exes!

God Bless:)

starbuck8 · Nov 22, 2008, 03:58 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

I have no idea what your talking about because I never stated any where in this thread about me and my fiance having a baby to stop child support. Actually, I stated his ex wife was concern that if we have a baby her child support payments will be lower.

Second, your thought about us changing dates had to be in reference to us changing our wedding date. The reason for that was because we already had a set wedding date but then out of the blue she stated their son couldn't attend because they are going away on vacation. So to make sure that didn't happen in the future we planned our special day around the time my fiance has him.

Southerngalps is right Liz! Did I quote YOU when I said that? No I didn't, and if you read my post thourougly, you would have seen that I didn't single anyone out, but I thought it was easily clear. Changing your wedding date was also not what I was talking about! I was referring to people that do things like sneak around, and do things under anothers nose as a kind of a power trip, just to see if they can get away with it. All this does is cause more anomosity between the parents of the child, and it's only asking for more problems!

starbuck8 · Nov 22, 2008, 04:03 PM

Originally Posted by momof2isme

Have you ever dealt with an ex? All I'm saying is that even in the best of situations things can be touchy. And from what this woman said, the ex has gone out of her way to be mean. And YES the child IS in the middle. But the woman who started this thread said the date wasn't in stone to accomodate the ex. The ex went out an booked a cruise PURPOSELY on the day the original wedding was set. So If my advise of planning a wedding and keeping the date secret sounds sneaky then so be it. The dad of this child has a right to have his son there too. And from the sound of it, the son wants to be there. So who really gets hurt here?

Have I ever dealt with an ex? I don't think that is a question you want to ask me. I certainly have! But, I have dealt with it, no matter how my ex decided to act, in an adult manner, and did not have to stoop to game playing, or his level. It shouldn't be an attitude of "so be it". You are only going to invite trouble when the ex finds out, and then you will have more problems the next time you want to plan an outing with the child!