[jumpin0503]

In case you don't know my back story, here it is, although I don't know if it's entirely needed to understand the situation most likely, this is a pretty generic situation now, I would read this after if my post here isn't enough to understand the situation: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ds-262869.html

I originally went in to this thinking I could get over her while staying her best friend. I realized after a few days it was too much to handle. In an extremely hard decision I decided to move on entirely, too much of a risk to cling on waiting.

She is now dating a new boy in a relationship a week after leaving me, I've "accepted" that but obviously haven't moved on. She is happy, tells me she still loves me and would give me another chance if things don't work out with the new boy Nick, but I can't wait for that, it isn't fair to me and it's too much pain to watch somebody I love do those things we had with somebody else.

I went into NC period as of last night, I have to change my daily schedules around a bit to avoid her or change plans (like going to breakfast before class with her and a few friends since we both live on the same dorm floor and such, we dated for 7 months about). We decided on being civil with each other and say hi if we see each other since we do live so close together on this campus and it's inevitable that I'll see her again, likely very soon. We decided that we'll talk again once we feel we are ready to, once one of us reaches that point. It seems to me that "point" I'm referring to is either: 1) I get over her entirely and am ready to be just friends with her 2) She breaks up with her boy and comes to being friends with me, but at that point I would still need to get over her fully before I could do that, or 3) She comes back to me and we handle the situation depending on whether I still want her back at that point.

I realize I need to lose the hope of this will be a big enough reality check that she is losing me potentially for good, because it isn't assured obviously. I feel like maybe it won't really click to her until maybe I begin talking to another girl, but that isn't assured as well. It's just so hard to lose both my best friend and girl friend in this.

I have to go on without her and I'm not in any other relationship at this point, I'm going into this with the mindset of moving on, but it's hard without any goals or things to look forward to because I don't have another mate to go to like she does for this now. I need advice from you guys what to do in this aspect. I know this will be hard especially at the beginning, and my friends are extremely willing to get me through this, but I need goals, short term, long term, just any ideas on what I can possibly do.

Also I need reassurance from other people that I can be happy being single and looking and enjoying other things in life as well, because right now I feel that I won't be happy until I find somebody I love as much/more than my now ex-girlfriend, and that I'll always love her and want her back if I can't find somebody I love as much. Can I truly get over love?

[talaniman]

There is a link in my signature for you to check out. Read it. Once you figure out that everyone goes through this heartbreak stuff, you will realize your not alone.

To stop confusion, and get the best feedback, responding on your first post is recommended, as there is no need for another posts.

[jumpin0503]

Sorry about the whole making 2 threads thing, I now realize it would have been better off to just have one just not used to having a big story into one thread I didn't really read all too many of the stories here nor realize how much they helped I just read the stickies, plus usually I just make new posts for everything on other forums I go to. I'll just stick to using this one because all my original post has is my original feelings on this which have changed dramatically. This is mostly for me to clear my mind, partially to help others if they read this, but if you're feeling extremely miserable just look at my original post, this post, and this current post and look at the progress I've made over the entire time.

I haven't posted in my own threads much, just been posting my status in other peoples threads. But to update, part 1 here is me seeing her for the first time since we decided to cut everything off, part 2 is the part about my dreams because I know the dreams are possibly the worst part for me now:

1) I was anxious all day today, day 4 of NC, because I work in a common place (I work in the student center where the café is, worked an 8 hour shift this morning), I was expecting to see her, not really sure how I would handle it, when I was at work I was looking up at every person who walked in, thinking it would be her, wanting to see her, but never did at that point. After I got back to my dorm with my roommates and such I calmed down again.

Went to dinner today (live on college campus, saw her in the cafe) she walked up to the grill where I had already ordered as she usually eats from there too, clearly hesitantly (could tell by her voice) as she said hi. Struck me by complete surprise because she was alone, not with her new boyfriend surprisingly, but whatever that's kind of irrelevant. I said hi back, went back to talking with my friend, walked away from her, sat down and talked about it with my friend, didn't say a word to her aside from hi. I got really anxious as soon as I saw her, and I really wanted to say more, but I didn't, I restrained, I wanted to ask her how she is, and we would get the typical but full of lies at the same time "I'm good" response, even just to talk to her a little bit more, but I didn't.

After I sat down I couldn't even really eat anymore, but I used to have this feeling for hours, even days at a time. Now I got rid of it in 15 minutes at most and I feel fine again now, I was in a permanent state of not being able to eat when I was trying to get her back, now I got rid of it in 15 minutes, as well as all of the feelings associated to how I was feeling before I started the NC period. I'm back at exactly the same point I was at before I didn't see her so quickly, I'm just seriously surprised.

2) I hope the dreams go away soon as well, they were extremely intense at the beginning of this period, but last nights wasn't NEARLY as bad as the one that convinced me for a good 20 minutes AFTER I woke up that I seriously thought we were back together. But last night's was different, I was with a different girl at first, and then Madeline came and I went to her after that. I woke up anxious a little about that, but the fact that I was with another girl kind of comforted me in a way. Maybe it's just my subconsciousness sending me signs that it too is moving on? I don't really know. But it's better than the dreams I had at the beginning of this ordeal.

Conclusion: Day 4 of NC continues, I just hope I can continue to progress, especially at this rate if possible, I feel this is a HUGE step for me that I got over seeing her this quickly. I'm just scared, I don't want to be stuck in this state forever of getting anxious when I see her but fine when she's gone. I hope I can continue to move on fully from her.. Ah well, just going to focus on having fun this weekend now that it's Friday, just relax do some homework and hang out with friends and hopefully not see her anymore either.

[jumpin0503]

Day 4 of no contact continues and now I have yet another conversation with her. Apparently she is pretty much alone all weekend, which turns out wasn't as irrelevant seeing her alone in the café earlier tonight as I thought, she's been attached to the hip to her new group ever since then so it did strike me as a little odd.

But anyway, she texts me asking if I could talk with her at about 9:30 pm, and at this point I was completely worried that I would fall back to how I was, despite knowing I was breaking no contact, but of course I did anyway. I took the risk. Despite my roommate Josh telling me I shouldn't.

I went to her dorm room and talked with her for about 2 hours, an initial conversation from her asking if we could be friends yet turned into me proving to her that instead of me being the emotionally unstable person, it was her. She was breaking down to me while I was able to control myself, which happened because she was upset about basically losing the old group of friends we had and that she won't be able to see any of her old group if she ever does again, she hasn't really moved on much with this it seems. I tried to tell her that they probably won't hang out with her until her and Nick break up, but she didn't seem to completely accept what I was telling her she's in that feeling that "they'll never EVER be friends" the whole "I'll love you forever" mindset I guess. The thing is this group of friends we have aren't that bitter to hold it against her forever, despite being semi-upset with her for leaving us/them right now anyway.

I told her I would help comfort her because I do still love her, but I was at a strange peace now, I felt comfortable, and I don't feel nearly as anxious, likely because I now know she's having a hard time with this too. I went to her room extremely anxious and left no longer feeling that anxiousness, it finally clicked in my mind that she chose this, not me, despite me knowing that, something finally just triggered it with this. She willingly chose to be with Nick and that's her decision and I feel I guess closure? Knowing this is her basically last chance to be with me, despite the fact that I love her still at this point. I don't feel any different about continuing my NC now after our conversation or that it's going to cause a hang up in my recovery having to start over, I know I'm going to continue moving on.

She told me she does see me as somebody who she could see herself marrying, as did I. We had a frighteningly close relationship that everybody could tell who was around us for such a short period, I'm never a person to show my feelings, this is the first situation I've ever needed help with, so my friends/family know that I'm dead serious when I say things like this, I've even had some people tell me that I was lucky I seemingly found a keeper on my first try. But I'm moving on now. I'll continue the no contact thing and look forward to my future. She told me she misses being able to tell me things, and that she was jealous I was looking to talk to new girls, she even interrogated me about one girl that I'm semi interested in because I work with her and she lives like 2 doors down, but I've also only talked with her once and it was kind of awkward because it was our first days of working and I'm not the huge out going type myself, takes awhile to get comfortable with some one, but oh well whatever nothing too important going on here right now.

I have a slight calm tonight it seems, we'll see if this stays in long term or not. I know that this is likely the last chance she has to get me back because I have progressed so much in the last few days, and if she doesn't come soon I likely will have full moved on by then. We both know that I'm looking for a stable, long-term relationship, I'm not trying to find a random hookup or what not. She knows exactly what to expect if she comes to me and she clearly knows if she isn't willing to look in the long term that she shouldn't come to me. If she isn't ready for that, she knows I won't want to be with her. I feel like I'm over this type of situation right now in my life with her, I'm not looking for just another relationship with her if we do get back together. I know she isn't vindictive and if she wasn't fully committed to it she wouldn't choose me, so I don't feel that being this open with her is a risk in any way, shape, or form.

I told her not to bother coming to me until she breaks things off with Nick either way and at that point I'll determine whether I still love her or not, but I'm not waiting I'm continuing to move on and look for new and better things, I told her I won't go to her once I am fully over her or not, and although I didn't do it with this intention initially, now it occurred to me that its going to leave her with a sense of not knowing where I stand if she does fully commit to Nick, I know that completely unintentionally I'm going to drive her insane not knowing because she seems rather convinced at this point she still loves me and wants to give me another chance at some point no matter what, but is more confused now than ever about if she wants to do that now or later. Not what I wanted to do because I didn't want to use mind tactics against her, especially not on purpose. I just don't want to be friends with her while she's still with somebody that she left me for, I guess it's just going to have to work both ways despite me not really wanting it to. Maybe once I fully move on I'll change my mind and tell her because I would like to be friends with her at some point, just to give her some closure as well, but that's something I'll handle as I go.

I'm likely going to be called stupid for giving her another chance if that does occur, but I guess some of us do more stupid things than others. Either way at this point I feel convinced I'm capable of moving on still despite the fact that she is at least for the moment, temporarily hung up and at this point I think truly deciding what she wants, if she is going to come back to me it's going to be within the next few days/week or so probably, and if she doesn't then it's completely over because I don't think it will take me more than another week or two at this rate of recovery to fully forget her. It's a bizarre feeling I have, knowing she could come back to me but to be able to seriously, truly accept the fact that my main goal is to move on at the same time. I wonder if my opinion is going to change, it's hard to understand knowing I want to fix things with someone while moving on from them at the same time. I don't have any hopes for her choosing to come back to me now I guess which is why I feel like this, I thought telling her I love her would have changed her opinion in the first place, but it didn't, so now already having my hopes shot down I brace for the worst still no matter what.

Geez... I wonder if anybody will even respond to this, my situation doesn't even seem like anybody could respond to this. I guess I just need to feel like I'm telling people what's going on because nobody is in my dorm room right now to tell.

[jumpin0503]

I cut her off entirely again... true no contact this time, you just know when it's not going to fall apart again like it did the last time of her caving in talking to me, this time is completely serious...

I talked to her again yesterday, nearly all day because nobody was around in either of our new groups of friends, we both caved in. I slept on her couch, she slept on the chair. We just talked... for nearly 12 hours that day...

Day 6 I guess, I won't bother recounting because I still feel the same as before I talked to her... I'm healing, I think? I'm thinking of her less and less... I told her I don't know how I'll feel in the future, I told her I still love her now, she tells me she'll love me forever even though she is with Nick now, and she feels her feelings are just suppressed. She tells me if we're meant to be together we'll find a way in the future, but I don't know, how does she even know her feelings are suppressed? How come I can't figure that out but she can, does she really know for sure?

I don't know if my feelings are just being suppressed or if I am seriously moving on for good, I don't know at all. All I know for sure now is we aren't talking, and she's willing to be my best friend if I'm willing to ever start talking to her again before or after Nick and her break up, whatever that situation may be. But I know I can't do that yet, I don't know what I'm looking for, what is that point that I'm trying to find where I will know? What do you other people think of the situation?

How do I know if I'm moving on for good or just suppressing the feelings enough to get by? Is it possible to know where I stand without her coming back to me and the situation occurring, is that a natural part of recovering, or will I not really know for sure until it does happen? Help is very much appreciated... :(

[talaniman]

She is with someone else, that's enough hint for me, so I would just be out of the whole situation, period!

After a month, you will feel different, as now your still fresh from a very confusing, frustrating time with her.

In time though, as you heal, and start putting other things in your life, you'll be able to look back and say "dam, was I that screwed up!"

We all go through that. Its part of the growing process, and learning how to deal with our feelings, and our losses.

[jumpin0503]

She is with someone else, thats enough hint for me, so I would just be out of the whole situation, period!

After a month, you will feel different, as now your still fresh from a very confusing, frustrating time with her.

In time though, as you heal, and start putting other things in your life, you'll be able to look back and say "dam, was I that screwed up!"

We all go thru that. Its part of the growing process, and learning how to deal with our feelings, and our losses.

Yea I already feel that way with the whole "damn, was I seriously that screwed up" thing.

My friends have helped me a lot getting through this and I brought back some old hobbies like playing some video games more and such to keep myself happy when I'm not around people.

But thank you for the support, I was just really worried I wouldn't heal anymore and be stuck in this state forever, but I probably just haven't been away from her enough. I hope things continue to heal, I just don't know though, I'm still not at the point where if she came back to me I would say no, I hope I reach that point soon, and I'll likely still use this thread as a blog type thing just to keep myself sane if I break down and want to talk to her.

I miss my best friend out of this too, and if I can get to the point where I don't want her back anymore, I would love to get my best friend back because she still tells me she will be my best friend whenever I come back to her. I just hope this isn't a huge scheme to keep me around for her by her saying that, she already told me she got jealous that I was interested in another girl.

This site really is a god send for me at this point, just being able to read other people's stories and be able to express my feelings somewhere helped dramatically.

[jumpin0503]

So of course, as soon as we pull the no contact thing again on Sunday, I see her. Constantly. I see her at dinner on Monday night, I see her in the hallway Monday night of our dorm, and I see her at breakfast this morning. We blatantly said we would try to keep this as unawkward as possible. But when she saw me in the dorm hallway she said hi and put her head down and ignored me and didn't even listen to me as I said hi back, she thought I hated her because she wouldn't even give me the light of day. Then when she walked by this morning with her head down, obviously ignoring me on purpose you can tell she feels awkward seeing me and not saying anything, I tell her hi and she says hi back, but I didn't understand why so I texted her this morning. I asked why she's doing this when we said we wouldn't and she explained how she didn't think I said hi in the hallway and thought I hated her, whatever yeah problem solved I guess just a misunderstanding and her not listening to me at all. We talk a little, she tells me her stomach drops a bit whenever she sees me, the same feelings as me. I still feel anxious, especially because when I saw her at breakfast this morning... but whatever. I called her out on making the situation awkward and we now based our schedules around NOT seeing each other we both changed what days we eat where and what not. Once again back to no contact, day 8... =/

Hopefully this helps with the healing process, but I just feel like I'm not going to find anyone ever quite as good as her now... I miss my best friend, I miss having a girl friend, I still miss my love... =(

How do other people out there cope with losing a best friend like this, I used to tell her everything and while telling other people is nice, it's not quite the same, having that one person to go to about anything... I'm trying to keep my hopes up.

And I'm having a really hard time coping because my old roommate Brian is coming to visit from his hometown 45 minutes away this Thursday night (he's pretty good friends with madeline too) and she's like well I'll probably come say hi but we are planning our own party for Thursday night (her new little group or whatever). It just pisses me off, she's essentially throwing away her old friends, the kid comes down to visit once like every two months at most and she's just going to come say hi, she's going to get drunk and sleep over with Nick, it just pisses me off. She went to Brian to talk to about when I broke up with her originally, now she just is like oh whatever about him and bails on even talking with him after all he's done for her. I don't get how to cope with this at all. =/

[talaniman]

Its hard to cope with the feelings, and attitudes of others. Don't try, just concentrate on your own feelings, and your own attitudes.

You have no control over her, so don't dwell on what she is doing.

Its not easy, with seeing her around so much, work at it though.

[jumpin0503]

So annoyed... Day 9/Beginning of Day 10 I suppose.

Had a fun night, went out played some ultimate frisbee that my roommate invited me to. Did that for like 2 hours, was having fun happy once I got back to the room. Put up an away message on AIM just putting some random happy lyrics up in a good mood, take a shower. I come back and one of Madeline roommates, Shannon, someone who is supposed to be my friend IMs me going "oh well that didn't take you very long to be happy now did it". Clearly bitter as if I got over her completely this fast (which isn't really the case at all, I was just excited because I enjoyed myself a lot tonight hanging out with a new group of guys just playing frisbee) that's how she is, it's obvious she's using this as a bitter tactic to tell Madeline to just leave me behind completely because they didn't want us together apparently since they are better friends with their new group than they were with me all last year apparently. They came to me with their problems for the first two weeks of school and I would talk with them, now I got left in the dust with essentially no compassion. I can't stand her new roommates, they just changed her so much and I'm sure they are just feeding her information of oh he's happy now so screw him forget him and they'll change her opinion of still loving me. But it's not like I can contact Madeline and tell her that, I likely shouldn't, but I kind of want to...

So annoying, I can't even have a fun night without somebody raining on my parade anymore... =/

[bigbird213]

All right... it sounds like a lot of the people involved are being immature and playing at stupid games here. Don't get involved. Personally, I'd be inclined to tell her friend to shove it, since your ex is with someone else and should have no concerns about how happy you are... (but don't, don't play into their bs)

Keep being as happy as you can be, that's a great start. Don't worry about what any of them think. If she is upset that your happy, she is petty and not deserving of your emotions anyway.

[jumpin0503]

A lot has changed in the past two days.

I saw her and talked with her randomly last night. But I had a really big realization when I was talking with her. It seems like she hasn't changed anything, I still have to drill her with questions and essentially tell her her opinion to her and if it's wrong then she would yell at me for it when I'm just making educated guesses. I realized I know what I want, she just keeps saying I don't know and I don't know what I want.

I realized I really have no reason to stick around with somebody who doesn't have any long term goals like me. She also hasn't changed the biggest problem she has of not being open with me and it would likely cause problems in the future, even if we have worked through things before with things how it is, I feel like I hope I can find somebody better that I can have the same emotional connection with but is more comfortable with themselves.

I talked with a new friend who is going through the same situation as me, she dumped her boyfriend but now she's going through the same breakup stage as me. We were able to both finish each others sentences on how we were feeling, it was nice to get to talk with someone in the same way I talk to people on this website but in person. It made me feel like there are other girls out there, but I just need to enjoy what I have.

I think I've found my motivation to keep moving on comfortably, I'm just having fun living life and such now. I'll keep updating as I go along, I guess mostly as a blog for myself but I hope this helps other people realize as well if they read this too!

[jumpin0503]

So it's been a long time now it feels, nearly a month since this probably actually started. I've made changes and I'm happy, but I feel stuck in a rut, whenever I randomly have to see her everything keeps rushing back sometimes. I just don't know what to do anymore, I feel I hit a wall on the progress of getting over her, it seems like I never really got to a point of moving on like I hoped and only a point of acceptance, as if I just put my feelings for her on the side aside from whenever I randomly see her still...