[failed father]

When my kids were younger I developed a strong bond of love with them, although my marriage has been rocky from the beginning and most of the time. Tensions started to build up between us the parents, about 11 years ago, because of the growing frustration of my wife which lead to arguing and exchanging of blames from the one hand, and my exhausting new job and being absent most of the time, from the other hand.

However, we decided to stay until the children grow up enough to understand and to spare them a definitely traumatizing experience at an early age. Because of the tense relationship with their mother, a gulf started to grow between me and my children as they grew up .They are now approaching 21, 19, 17 and 14. They are magnificently brilliant and successful in their study. Two of them attend two of the best colleges in the nation; one attends a renowned independent school. Only the youngest, who is over 13 is staying at home now; the three others come on vacations. This youngest one will also go to an independent school next year.

We, the parents, have no intimacy for about six years now. Most likely we are going to divorce after the young one leaves home, next year.
However, mending the relationship with my children is my priority now, especially with the boys who rarely respond to my attempts to have quality time with them, by sharing some fun activities, or getting into dialogue and communicating openly as friends. They seem to be shutting off, feeling that I was not caring enough about them. I admit that I was the reason, to a large extent, for that gulf to grow. I want to make up for that shortcoming by all means. I need some insightful advice on how to make a breakthrough in my endeavor in this respect. Thanks
Failed father

[saph-1975]

Hi,I think that by you and your wife staying together for the children was your first mistake,yes maybe at first it would have been hard for them you not living together but children adapt,and you say that you were away a lot of the time,having 2 parents who get on living seperatley is better than having 2 parents living together in misery,do the children blame you for the bad atmosphere,try phoning them regulary just to see how their doing and when you get chance,try and explain to them how your feeling,it sounds like you have worked hard to provide the best for them,was your absence due to work or were you avoiding home because of the situation?

[fjsmith81]

Only time will tell with this situation. You can't push them, because it will cause them to resent you even more, and pull away from you. Be honest with them. Tell them that you have made some mistakes and give your reasoning for those mistakes. I think now they will be old enough to understand. Tell them that you apologize and that you want to be in their lives. Tell them how much it will mean to you. And overall, let them know that you will always be there for them, no matter how small or big. Be honest with your children, the one thing that kids hate is when a parent is not honest with them or hide things from them. I am a parent and I am someone's child. As a parent you want to protect your kids and you think that protecting them means not letting them know what's going on and not burdening them with things. And as someone's child, my parents tried to hide things from me, and eventually as I got older they told me and it angered me because they thought that I wouldn't understand.

Staying together just for the sake of the kids is a terrible mistake. I am sure that if you sat down and talked to your kids about the situation they would have understood. Nowadays kids don't want their parents together if they are unhappy, because it causes for a very unhappy living situation.

[BlueMommaCat]

It may have been a mistake to stay in your marriage, but don't think to yourself you have failed as a father. I don't have any relationship with my father. I met him when I was 13 and even with that "2nd chance" he made no effort to be a father. I think it is a traditional and maybe a "noble" thing to stay together for the children's sake, even though society has turned away from that. You can't undo the last 11 years, but you can be truthful with your children. You tried them put them 1st in a difficult time. Relationships don't come with manuals, you can only trust your heart. Reverse the absence by being available. Also give them time and space if they need it. They are also going to be peoccupied with their lives outside of home, as new adults. They will learn more as they have experiences in love and relationships. They are probably very smart and will understand eventually. If you think that you have failed, then you will start believing it and making it a reality. Think about how much you love them and eventually they'll come around and see it.