[Jerry07]

Hello everyone, I'm new here. Im stuck in a situation that I can't help but ask about.. I know there are others that feel the same and that is why I'm here. About 2 months ago a relationship ended that meant the world to me.. she was my first love, the first one I ever felt a connection with. Im not saying I've never had a girlfriend.. she was just the one I actually grew to love, and now she hates me yet I still love her. We had promised each other we would always be friends.. but I broke up with her because I was feeling confused about where we were going, she even wanted to be friends with me still when I told her. I eventually came to my senses and realized I had made such a big mistake.. she was my best friend and she was the only one I could talk to when I was in the dumps. Whenever I wanted her back she wanted to remain just friends.. I was devastated and could not just be friends.. it was ockward. We still talked with each other. She said she wanted me in her life and I just kept pushing her away because I couldn't understand why she wouldn't take me back.. she even said she loved me "as a friend" this hurt.. because I wanted to be that guy. Her one and only.. we dated for about 2 years. One very regretful night I decided to drink with my friends.. which was a mistake because I was angry at her for not wanting me back.. so I called her a very hurtful name over the phone.. it hurt her so bad that after that she wanted nothing to do with me, she didn't even want to be friends. She doesn't want me calling her, emailing her or anything. Ive tried to say sorry so much she just wouldn't have it.. she said I creeped her out and now everyday I live with heartache and regret because of one drunkin night.. I regret it so much and I still love her with all my heart and she hates me with a passion. It just hurts so bad to know I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me in an instant.. I treated her so well she was the light of my world, everything to me.. I called her a bad name just one time.. and I guess that's all it took.

One night it was so bad I felt like killing myself because I couldn't handle the regret. The pain is so great.. right when I start to feel better I hear a song.. or simply see something that brings back a memory of her and it starts all over. I thought id give her time to herself and just respect her wishes and leave her alone.. give her time to think. I emailed her recently asking how she was and nothings changed, she has forgotten me and I still love her. Every moment is utter pain.. its like right when my heart starts to scab over something rips it right off again. I just wish she could understand how sorry I am and how badly I feel. I would do anything in the world to have her back, but I know its not meant to be. I want to move on.. I want to forget her like she forgot me.. its so bad that I've become miserable. Does anyone know what I'm going through? Has anyone experienced this or am I going crazy? I would appreciate what anyone has to say and I would respect it if anyone could relate to this somehow. I just need to know I'm not going coo coo here. Thank you everyone for reading this. Please share if you have gone through something like this so I can know this won't last forever. Thank you everyone!!

[germain]

It usually takes about 6-7 months to get over the feelings your having. The more you focus on it, the more it will hurt, the more it will drag on, the more it will keep coming back. So, forget about it. You've told her you're sorry.. literally speaking "what more can you do?" Nothing! So its time to move on. It's not like there's anything else you can do. Life goes on whether you like it or not. You can either stay in the miserable state that You're in as it moves or you can move along with it. Focus more on yourself. Take this time to do things YOU want to do. Find things to occupy yourself with. Hang out with your friends A lot. In the early stages being with friends is usually the only thing that willl take your mind off it (if you let it) If the thought of her comes up don't dwell on it and don't let it just pass.. MAKE in effort every time that thought comes up to destroy it and mentally train yourself to forget it. Watch TV. Get plenty of air. Focus on work. Browse the net. Get oriented with your family.. there are so many things that are fulfilling in a life just as a relationship is. I've been in your situation so I'm speaking from experience.

[chuff]

Yes everybody has felt what your feeling. It's the break up process. See the break up sticky's and follow them. See Jolie's break up survival guide and read and reread it. Your in a highly emotional state and now it's up to you to correct it, it's something we've all gone through, it's not impossible and it doesn't last forever.

[happy_jester]

I emailed her recently asking how she was and nothings changed, she has forgotten me

Usually,as a result of a break-up there are a lot of emotions,the usual rule is NO CONTACT with ex's.

Sadly,in this case,also,you've found this out,the hard way. By
Contacting her again,you've found out that although,by emotions you're still attached to
Her,she has moved on.

You've told her you're sorry.. literally speaking "what more can you do?"

You've done your best,now what you have to do is let time do the rest!

[jrsg]

It's nice to hear that you KNOW it is time to move on. Most people don't even see that moving on is what has to be done, so be proud of yourself for doing that. That is a massive step to recovery, and one of the harder ones.

One thing that will help you move on is forgive yourself. Getting drunk and calling her an awful name over the phone was an awful thing you did. BUT, you can learn from it, and move on. You regret it, and feel bad for it. Everybody makes mistakes, and you can't keep blaming yourself. I'm sure you know not to ever do that again. So forgive yourself, and forget it ever happened (but remember the lesson from it).

As for how long it lasts, that really depends on the person. I noticed that "Germain" said it takes 6-7 months to get over someone, but I don't believe this to be true. Depending on the feelings felt during the relationship, it can take any amount of time to get over someone. No one can give you a correct length of time for how long it will take you to get over her. But, I know you know that it won't last forever. It takes time, but it will pass.

To make it go by quicker, I would suggest NC. No contacting your ex. And try to think about her as little as possible. DISTRACT yourself, and don't give yourself a chance to think about your ex. Maybe go out with friends (keep the drinking to a minimum) or rent movies. Date other girls. Buy a new book to read. Go on a vacation. Pick up a new hobbie. Just distract yourself, it will help the NC time go by so much quicker.

I would also recommend "The NC Calender" for help and support. Everyone on that thread is in the same boat you are in, and it helps a lot. I used it when I went through my last break up, and everyone there is wonderful.

So, good luck, and keep us updated.
If you want, you can even just rant or journal your progress, and we will be here to listen and comment, and give advice.

Here is the link to the NC Calender I talked about. Just go to the last page, and tell your story. They will help! Just click HERE.

[redwee74]

Hey Jerry, the best advice I can offer is get out do things any thing it does not matter. Mow the yard, clean the house anything. Start moving if that still does not help get counselling, there are programs around at little or no cost. The main point is to get moving even if you don't feel like it. Talk to friends and family, come here and let some of us here help just do things. Evenually the thoughts will become less and less strong and then evenually they will be passing thoughts. You will always have thoughts about her but they will not control your like and if the thought of suicide comes up again call someone, go somewhere just get help. Hurting yourself is the cowards way out. You are stronger than that.

[Jerry07]

Thank you everyone, your comments have helped to cheer me up. What hurts the most is the thought that she has moved on before me. It makes me wonder if she even felt the same about me as I did her. Makes me feel like I could not live up to her standards and it hurts cause I tried. Sometimes it helps thinking that if she could not handle me at my worst, she does not deserve me at my best. It kind of helps. Thank you all I appreciate the advice, ill stick around!

[talaniman]

The partner that gets dumped, is the last to know, as the dumper has been thinking about this for a while, and has time to adjust. That's what you need now, is that time to adjust.

Listen to what the others have said, and be patient as you adjust, and regroup.

Healing, and coping with your loss, is probably the hardest thing you will do, but as the others have said, it gets better.

[chuff]

Thank you everyone, your comments have helped to cheer me up. What hurts the most is the thought that she has moved on before me.

She probably did. What usually happens is the woman lets herself down emotionally while still in the relationship and breaks up with the guy. For the guy it comes out of left field but the woman knew it was coming in advance so she was already prepared for it.

It makes me wonder if she even felt the same about me as I did her. Makes me feel like I could not live up to her standards and it hurts cause I tryed.

And this my friend is where you are wrong, but most certainly not in a bad way. The reality is she could not live up to YOUR standards. You were guilty of being a guy that gave a damn about someone and believing in her. She was not capable of being the same. She is the one who couldn't live to your standards and not the other way around.

Sometimes it helps thinking that if she could not handle me at my worst, she does not deserve me at my best. It kind of helps. Thank you all I appreciate the advice, ill stick around!

You are right... but even at your worst it was her best that was still below you. She's proved it.

[Jerry07]

As of right now I'm still hurting, even feeling the urge to want to cry. I find myself thinking about her even if I don't want to be.. its always in the back of my mind. I feel empty inside it's a very incomfortable feeling.

[Jerry07]

Im even feeling the urge to want to contact her but I know I shouldn't so I'm not, its just so hard to let go of the feelings I had for her.

[Jerry07]

I feel like asking her if we could just talk its horrible, I just got hit with the urge to do it and I would but I don't want to be a stalker..

[Jerry07]

Sorry about the double posts I'm just ancy right now. The whole NC rule thing.. well even though I broke that rule a while back is their a chance someday she will realize that I tried to be sincere and apoligize?. and in realizing that is there a possibility she would come and apoligize to me?

[Molecular]

Don't do it man. I know exactly how you feel. I'm having my ups and downs personally. I constantly think about calling my ex, and just as with you she suddenly dumped me and moved on, and it felt horrible that she moved on only days after our relationship ended, but as people have previously mentioned, she's been giving it a lot of thought, and had time to adjust.

You on the other hand got served the cold platter within just a day. It hurts like hell, but don't be discouraged. I'm guessing everyone finds solice in different ways. For me, personally, I'm trying my best to convince myself that her breaking up with me is her own loss, and I do this by constantly seeking ways to improve myself, not only to prove her wrong but also because it makes me feel good about myself. (Now I don't know about you but I suffered a massive self-esteem blow when she suddenly left me like that, anything that makes you feel better about yourself helps, generally). Also bear in mind that she's not very likely to find someone that loved her as much as you do, love is a pretty rare thing, and I think there's plenty of women out there who would want nothing more than to find a man actually capable of loving to the extent he feels the pain you and I are feeling after such a breakup.

It's her loss, really. I will tell you this, though, contacting her won't help at all. It'll make you feel good for maybe an hour or so and then you'll be back to square one. The only way to keep pushing forward is by not contacting her!

[chuff]

As of right now im still hurting, even feeling the urge to want to cry. I find myself thinking about her even if I dont want to be..its always in the back of my mind. I feel empty inside its a very incomfortable feeling.

Dude, if you have to cry to get some of the grief out, then do it. Never let the woman see you do it, but you can do it and get some grief out.

As for thinking about her, give your brain permission to think about her for 10 minutes every hours. Tell yourself, right now I can't think about her, but for the last 10 minutes of this hour I can think of her. It is not fool proof. But it does tell your brain to focus on something else and come back to her. It also puts her off, and eventually you will put her off forever.

[chuff]

Im even feeling the urge to want to contact her but I know I shouldnt so im not, its just so hard to let go of the feelings I had for her.

I'm telling you, as the guy who has done this you will regret this more then the break up itself. You will be mad at yourself for contacting her, and it will only put you further back then you are now. I know it's hard not to, I know that's the first thing you want to do, but trust me, you will farther behind.

[Jerry07]

Thank you for your advice it helps a crap load to know others feel the same. Im even having dreams about her and me, I'm not going to go into great detail about them but after I wake up its utter confusion to me why I have them. As you said, I did get a cold dish served to me and it does hurt like hell.. all of a sudden I'm expected to not contact her at all and it's a big change when you go from talking everyday to no contact at all.. her sister in law told me if I really loved her id let her go.. but I don't see how that's right. If you love someone shouldn't you do anything in your ability to prove it? Ive tried and all I got was bitterness, hate, and total indifference and I feel I don't deserve that at all. When I got the cold platter it made me feel like the entire time we were together (about 2 years) was all just a big one night stand for her, and I'm the one who was left laying in the bed alone and confused.

[chuff]

I feel like asking her if we could just talk its horrible, I just got hit with the urge to do it and I would but I dont want to be a stalker..

This isn't about stalking. You are not a stalker. You are a man in pain, and that's fine, we've all been there, but if you start talking to her then she's only going to use you even more because you are desperate and she's going to use those feelings for herself and get everything she can from you.

[chuff]

Sorry about the double posts im just ancy right now. The whole NC rule thing..well even though I broke that rule a while back is their a chance someday she will realize that I tried to be sincere and apoligize?...and in realizing that is there a possibility she would come and apoligize to me?

First don't apologize for the double posts. This is the best place for you at this moment. You can post pages if it's going to help you out.

Second, you don't owe her an apology. You owe yourself the respect that you deserve to bring yourself back up from this temporary down. I know this is easier said then done but believe me, I've been where you are and you have to try and bring some focus back to yourself. You don't have to perfect at this, but you have to admit that you deserve to be treated better then she did.

[Jerry07]

"You are not a stalker. You are a man in pain, and that's fine"

I feel like quoteing that, then putting it up as a headline for my myspace heh.

Its just all mind blowing, right now I feel all right cause I'm here talking with people who know how I feel, although when I'm staring off into space or have nothing to do she just clicks into my mind, all the good times we had.. then I just think and think about it until I can't stop even if I want. I would rather someone chop of one of my fingers than feel this way.