 |
|
| Browse | Ask | Answer | Search | Join/Login |
|
|
||||
|
My boyfriend has low vision and a temper
I've been dating this really interesting guy for several months and while it hasn't been perfect, there's been lots of good in it. He can be utterly sweet and he is also smart and helpful and we share a lot of interests. I like him. My friends like him. I like his friends. He is legally blind, but functions really well at most things, can read, use a computer, cook, shop (with difficulty), etc. He says he can see me fine, he can read a menu at a restaurant. But then he surprises me. Like he was cooking steaks and asked me to check to see if they were done because he couldn't tell. I was happy to do that, but didn't realize he couldn't see well enough to do that. He is an accomplished photographer but I sometimes get the impression he uses a camera so he can look at things closer. Sometimes he takes a picture of me, then looks at the picture closely as if to read my expression. I'm not sure though. When I asked if he was doing this, he didn't answer.
The trouble is that when anything goes wrong, he almost always picks someone to blame. For example, we were supposed to go on a trip together and he misplaced something, so we had to go about two hours out of our way to go back to his house to look for it. It turned out to be with us all the time, but he blamed the whole thing on a friend of his. He also loses his temper easily. Monday, at his house, was the worst so far. We were getting along really well. Everything was peaceful and loving. Kind of blissful, actually. He made me some coffee but kept asking if it was okay before he made himself a cup. I finally walked over and said he should taste mine. He ignored me, although he'd been talking to me just seconds before. So I set the cup down about a foot to his right, where he normally puts coffee. He often doesn't answer when I talk to him. If I check in and say, "Did you hear me?" he always says yes, so I didn't think much of him not acknowledging me. But a minute later, he knocked the cup over, the coffee went everywhere, soaking his mouse and mouse pad and dripping into a drawer full of equipment and onto a wooden floor. He just went postal. One minute I'm sitting there peacefully and the next minute, he's shouting accusations at me. I jumped up and worked hard to try to clean up the mess. He got me anything I asked for --towel, rag, bowl of water-- but mostly he stood there kind of helpless and ranting. He ended up calling me an "arrogant b****" when I didn't immediately obey a command to unplug some wires. I was afraid it would be really hard to reconnect them, so I was trying to think if there was another way. It wasn't like I was overtly challenging him. But he yelled that it was his house and I would do what he said. I was just appalled. At first I tried to stay calm. I did shout at him once. Then I stopped. After he got angry because I didn't unplug the wires immediately (I did it after a few minutes), he asked me to leave. I have cleaned up lots of messes and this didn't seem that bad to me, but he wouldn't cooperate with me. Instead, he began dismantling his whole office by himself. I packed up, made the bed and offered one more time to help him clean up, he said no, so I drove home feeling numb. He usually calls me every day, but I haven't heard from him in nearly a week except for one email in which he said he'd mistakenly disconnected his own phone service and was getting a friend to buy a new mop to clean up the "sour milk." I had wiped up the worst of the coffee before I left, so I couldn't believe he hadn't just cleaned up the rest in a few minutes. There was no carpet... His email said he was still "really upset" and I got the impression he was blaming me for his lack of phone service as well as his spilling the coffee. I guess I've been hoping all week that he would call or email me to extend some kind of olive branch. But nothing. It's now Saturday and it's like I never existed. I'm just stunned at the suddenness of this relationship being over. Should I call him? Forget him and get on with my life? I've never been called a b**** before that I can remember and I didn't like it. Is this just a lover's quarrel, or is something fundamental really wrong? I need some perspective! All red flags? Still another abusive male or a disabled person who can deal with his own limitations. Was he right that it was my fault? I guess I think that his vision problems make it hard to adjust to having anyone put anything anywhere he doesn't know about. And maybe that is more of a problem for him than I realized. But if he won't answer when I talk to him, how can I ever know if he's heard me? I have tried to get him to talk to me about what I need to know to deal with his vision problems, and he basically tells me he has no serious problems. When I ask what he can see and what not, he says he can't explain. He seems uncomfortable when I ask, so then I drop it. But when he was angry he kept shouting that he was blind. I feel that when his vision limits what he can do and or causes things to go wrong, he is either in denial about it or using it as an excuse to not take any responsibility for the consequences. My feeling is that it's just something that is a part of him we would both have to live with, not something that is his fault, but not mine either. Because he has vision problems, I'm not sure what my responsibility was in this. Sorry this is so long. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
It sounds like he has a anger/temper problem. Maybe this is a manifestation of his frustration about being handicapped. Regardless, you and his friends do not deserve the brunt of this. Bottom line, he called you a B**** and hasn't appologized. This is unacceptable.
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
You need to have a sit down with him- He seems frustrated, and he is taking it out on you If he blew up about spilled coffee, well you know the whole saying don't cry over spilled milk Tell him you don't appreciate being yelled at over little things But if he was an exec. Maybe he was used to things going his way all of the time Even small things, anyway if he values the relationship at all he will sit down with you to talk about these issues, and make sure you tell him that. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Sorry I edited just now, not realizing you two had answered. I was hoping if it was a little shorter, someone would answer. I do think it's true that he is used to being deferred to quite a lot. And to add back in what I took out, he has been an executive in the technology industry. He is currently unemployed, so that's another stressor. But I can't believe he doesn't think he owes me any apology at all. That's why I keep thinking maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Maybe I will try sitting down and talking to him as spyderglass suggests. But I am just not sure if it's wise for me to keep giving him chances. And I don't know how likely he is to change. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
You're not looking at the situation wrong at all. You ARE looking at your relationship wrong, however. You've only been dating him a few months. I'm going to say something you may not agree with at first, but please just think about it. Here goes... The guy you dated in the first few months wasn't really him. That guy is Mr.-nice-hope-to-get-you-interested-in-me-so-I'm-on-my-best-behavior guy. It takes several months for "on-my-best-behavior" guy to get bored and go away. Then the normal "this-is-who-I-really-I-am" guy starts to show up more frequently. I hope that isn't too confusing. All I'm saying is you can pretty much IGNORE most of the pleasantries from your earliest months together. The way he is starting to act now... THAT YOU CAN BELIEVE. So, what does this mean? It means you better have a clear idea of why you date someone, and it isn't "how do I get him to stop being this weird guy and go back the way he was?" Nope, not at all. You date a guy long enough for Mr. Real to showup so you can decide if you like HIM enough to stay together for 60 years. So, in the first few weeks of Mr. Real showing up in YOUR relationship, you've discovered he's short-tempered, blame-driven, and has absolutely no control when his fuse gets lit and will call the most wonderful girl in the world whom he just met an arrogant b**ch. Well, isn't that sweet? You've done nothing wrong unless you ignore these truths. Regardless of what he says next, that's still who he is. I know you don't want to believe that, and feel free to ignore the truth, it IS your life, after all. I know this is going to sound cynical, but it's not meant to be, it's just realistic: You date people to find out why you shouldn't be together. Most relationships HAVE those reasons, they need to be uncovered, acknowledged, and you move on. From what I've read so far, this is no exception. I find his revealing himself to you so completely as a favor you should thank him for. It will save you years of sadness and despair heaped on you by someone YOU love. Don't go down that path. Don't expect anything from him. Even an apology would actually be pretty pointless. He is who he is. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Let this one go... You make it clear that you are affected by this relationship in that he means something to you, but he's too complicated. Don't you want a relationship where there were mutual feelings and less drama? You seem so nice and eager to please... don't you want a man whom is less "postal"? I'm sorry that he has vision problems... and it cannot be easy at all. I feel for him, but you really need to think about what you are getting involved in. I personally do not believe that any challenges one has needs to lead to over reactive behavior or such aggressive hostility. Don't we all have our own personal plights? One IS held accountable for their reactions and behaviors, no matter their challenges. You know what I mean? Sounds to me like his challenges lie mainly in his character flaws... Put yourself FIRST... think about the kind of person you want to spend your romantic time w/ and focus on THAT type of character... This one sounds defunct, no offence. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Yeah, I've been thinking since Tuesday that it was already pretty late for any sort of apology, but the "nice girl" in me keeps feeling like I have to be open to forgiving him or "working things out," "working on the relationship" etc. And then my pride is hurt that he doesn't even think the relationship is worth calling me. Because of that I keep thinking maybe I missed something and really did do something bad. I did lose my temper back at him. But I think you are all right. Going postal over spilled milk is his true nature. I've seen plenty of other signs of all this, so I'm more disappointed than surprised. It's just hard to detach, feels like some alien has its tentacles in my chest. Thanks, thanks, thanks. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Well you can't expect an apology from him when he always putting the blame on someone else instead of himself. He blames you because you put the coffee there and if it wasn't there no coffee would've been spilled. His reaction was totally uncalled for but as you stated that's his behavior. One time my daughter got car sick and throw up all over my fiancé car. He didn't blow up and even helped me clean-up the mess. In the long run your better off without him. Calling you the word and kicking you out his house because of the coffee he spill is totally wrong and you shouldn't take it. Also, you cleaned up the mess through his rant and still went and made the bed. Your good. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
You seem like an intelligent lady with a good head out your shoulders. Of course it's a huge red flag. He has anger issues, and you shouldn't get involved with anyone like that unless perhaps they recognize the issue and are willing to take action to reverse it, for the sake of you guys having a normal healthy relationship. You deserve more respect from men. If you don't talk to him about it now, he will probably think you are okay with it all and that you put up with it. I think you should move on, if he isn't willing to get professional help. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Of course it will be hard, but you have to look at the bigger picture, I mean what if you guys one day got married and had kids... that would be totally unhealthy going postal over spilled milk etc! Not cool!
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Honstly, he seems a little controlling to me, it seems like he needs to do some maturing and I don't think that you should continue this relationship with him. If he disrespects you enough to call you that then obviusly he doesn't care about you. vision problems isn't an excuse for being an a**hole sorry if I see mean but I was in a relationship like this for a while and it SUCKED don't do this to yourself!
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Too late for him to grow up. He's 55 years old. I seriously doubt he'd be open to changing his ways. I'm committed to breaking off with him. And I appreciate all the feedback. But I'm dreading calling him to exchange stuff of each others we have. I'm feeling depressed and disappointed right now. When I read Liz's note last night, I cried for the first time all week. I can't honestly say I'm good, as she put it, at least not a lot of the time. How can anyone be perfect? But I really was trying to be as above reproach as I could be. And yet I get treated like this. Why? I married someone years ago who treated me badly. In fact he just called and berated me because our son didn't turn in one of his geometry assignments and shouted that I have to take care of this because he (the ex husband) doesn't know any math. My son got As on several tests already, but of course it's my fault he's not perfect. Does my son do drugs? No. Does he get into any trouble at all? No. Does he maintain a B average? Yes. But yeah, he gets the occasional C or D and forgets to turn in homework and gets a zero. Do I want him to do better? Yes. But how does my ex yelling at me get us there? I was Really not in the mood to be yelled at, and I hung up on him. So now I'm "rude." I am not young but I am eager to please. It took me years to get out of my abusive marriage (and I'm still subjected to his abuse, as you can see), so the last thing I need is another guy in my life like him. Yet over and over, men seem nice at first and then they start a lot of passive aggressive stuff and eventually get overtly hostile, totally helpless and yet domineering at the same time. Why can't I meet a grown up? I know people are going to tell me I'm subconsciously looking for these guys, but I don't see how I'm "looking" for that kind of guy. Why would I want that? Because of this one's nasty temper, I am dumping him, despite his other good qualities. (The last one called me two weeks ago to say he was still in love with me, which was flattering, but he had a nasty temper too. No way. That relationship ended when he was picking at his son in a restaurant, implying his mother lied or the son was mistaken about something, and the son jumped up and shouted at him and stormed out.) I am concluding that these angry, controlling men are much more likely to be single/divorced and available in middle age. The nice guys are probably all happily married. Makes sense. Either that, or 90% of men expect a LOT more deference from women than I can manage. A depressing thought. I have been reading all these books about expressing love for the last three weeks, struggling to be as loving to this guy as I could be (without being servile), even as he was subtly picking at me all the time. (Why do men who are 50 pounds overweight think it makes sense to tell a woman who is 4 pounds overweight that she has a weight problem? At first, I just laughed at the idea that he would care, but it got irritating after a while. I finally -- after literally weeks of this -- I said, "Why are you giving me a hard time? You are the one with the big tummy," and so later he said I said he was fat, as if I just said it out of the blue to be mean.) I'm ready to give up and live out the last 40 years of my life in solitude. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Too late for him to grow up. He's 55 years old. I seriously doubt he'd be open to changing his ways. I'm committed to breaking off with him. And I appreciate all the feedback. But I'm dreading calling him to exchange stuff of each others we have. I'm feeling depressed and disappointed right now. When I read Liz's note last night, I cried for the first time all week. I can't honestly say I'm good, as she put it, at least not a lot of the time. How can anyone be perfect? But I really was trying to be as above reproach as I could be. And yet I get treated like this. Why?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't know honestly, some people just aren't very nice... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I married someone years ago who treated me badly. In fact he just called and berated me because our son didn't turn in one of his geometry assignments and shouted that I have to take care of this because he (the ex husband) doesn't know any math. My son got As on several tests already, but of course it's my fault he's not perfect. Does my son do drugs? No. Does he get into any trouble at all? No. Does he maintain a B average? Yes. But yeah, he gets the occasional C or D and forgets to turn in homework and gets a zero. Do I want him to do better? Yes. But how does my ex yelling at me get us there? I was Really not in the mood to be yelled at, and I hung up on him. So now I'm "rude." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Being a student, I know that its very hard trying to keep your parents happy with your grades, its almost impossible, the occasional cord and forgetting of homework is all just apart of being a teenager. And to be honest its really hard to maintain a b average so my respect goes out to you and your son And no, you are not rude for hanging up on him! He's rude for blaming you... its not your fault your son forgot to do his homework, its not your ex-husbands fault either though, its not even your sons fault, sometimes other things just happen and things tthat don't seem as important get pushed out of your mind. Think of it this way... is one homework assignment going to impact his life that much? Is the occasional c or d going to? Sure he won't get into harvard or anything but as long as he places well on his sat he should be able to get into almost any school he wants -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am not young but I am eager to please. It took me years to get out of my abusive marriage (and I'm still subjected to his abuse, as you can see), so the last thing I need is another guy in my life like him. Yet over and over, men seem nice at first and then they start a lot of passive aggressive stuff and eventually get overtly hostile, totally helpless and yet domineering at the same time. Why can't I meet a grown up? I know people are going to tell me I'm subconsciously looking for these guys, but I don't see how I'm "looking" for that kind of guy. Why would I want that? Because of this one's nasty temper, I am dumping him, despite his other good qualities. (The last one called me two weeks ago to say he was still in love with me, which was flattering, but he had a nasty temper too. No way. That relationship ended when he was picking at his son in a restaurant, implying his mother lied or the son was mistaken about something, and the son jumped up and shouted at him and stormed out.) I am concluding that these angry, controlling men are much more likely to be single/divorced and available in middle age. The nice guys are probably all happily married. Makes sense. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It does make a lot of sense.. but doesn't it come to mind that if there are women in your position, doesn't it make sense that there should also be men? You just have to remember that the first months to 1st year are "on my best behavior time" for a guy (being one I know I do this) and after that is when we really show ourselves. Basically, pay no attention to the man you met... its the man you KNOW that is what he is. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Either that, or 90% of men expect a LOT more deference from women than I can manage. A depressing thought. I have been reading all these books about expressing love for the last three weeks, struggling to be as loving to this guy as I could be (without being servile), even as he was subtly picking at me all the time. (Why do men who are 50 pounds overweight think it makes sense to tell a woman who is 4 pounds overweight that she has a weight problem? At first, I just laughed at the idea that he would care, but it got irritating after a while. I finally -- after literally weeks of this -- I said, "Why are you giving me a hard time? You are the one with the big tummy," and so later he said I said he was fat, as if I just said it out of the blue to be mean.) I'm ready to give up and live out the last 40 years of my life in solitude.[/QUOTE] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- When you are talking to a REAL MAN he doesn't bring up your weight. Some people just don't know how to be nice I guess... I guess I look at the middle-aged dating world like an abandoned gold mine... amidst all the crap and dirt and scum... there are still a few gold flakes hiding there |
||||
|
|
|
||||
 Originally Posted by slan12
Originally Posted by slan12
Originally Posted by slan12
Oh, well. I guess I just have to learn to enjoy the process of dating--looking for those rare flecks of gold amidst the scum. I tend to be goal oriented in everything I do, pretty focused. I do love sorting through scum and dirt, I do love sorting through scum and dirt, I do love.. . :) Seriously, thanks for your feedback, Slan. It was helpful. A friend called today and said that the things that allow us to get where we are in life, the defenses and compensations that allows us to function, are the hardest things to acknowledge, overcome and move past. So if a person has a disability and still manages to get a lot done in his live (definitely true of my boyfriend, a trait I admire), he probably has a lot of defenses. My friend thought I had shamed my boyfriend and punctured his defenses, by putting him in the position of having to acknowledge his limitations, which made him angry with me. My friend saw this an opportunity to move forward with my boyfriend and insisted that words said in anger don't mean anything. I'm not sure I agree with that part though. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Well, maybe aliens DO have tentacles in your chest right now, but it's on you to remove them QUICK and wash up! Ewwwwwwww! He's got to be washed out of your "hair", so to speak. Once we know something about someone and we're getting a certain vibe that we can't sweep away (or make excuses for anymore)... it's at THAT point where we realize that we can't "unring that bell" and that piece of information is out there for us to see in the day of light. You have to be brave and strong and CHOOSE YOU right now. You're half way there... I know you know this, but "Life is a jouney"... and this is just a piece of it showing you what NOT TO DO... |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I keep coming back here to fortify myself with good advice. Thanks, everyone. I reconciled with him for a month, ran into more problems and he broke off by email. I think part of the problem is that I am shy and don't really enjoy dating strangers and trying to size them up while also being friendly. I've had guys say they didn't think I liked them, because, I think, I find it hard to flirt with total strangers. Really, I didn't know yet what I thought of them. I find it hard to tell much on a first date if they aren't really awful. I feel like I don't know how to evaluate men for a personal relationship. Then, when I find someone I like, I want to make it work, so I can just be happy and focus on the things I love. I don't expect them to be perfect and in return I hope they won't expect me to be perfect. But it's pointless to try to make it work with someone who is not a good choice. Will there ever be anyone who is a good choice? What is a good choice for me and why do I have to wait several months to find out someone's true colors? |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Originally Posted by asking
But we all know life isn't all good. After a few months, it's hard to suppress every bad thought and every bad habit, so we stop trying. We start acting "normal". It's not until this happens that you're actually examining each other honestly. So, enjoy the first few months together. Then pay attention. When you and he get comfortable around each other, you'll start letting the bad in. That's good when it happens. When it does, see if you can live with each other's bad. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
He broke up with you over email?? What a douche! Count your blessings that u haven't wasted anymore of your time with him.. you're one step closer to finding the right man
|
||||
|
|
Not your question?
Ask your question
View similar questions
| Question Tools | Search this Question |
View more questions Search
|
