[fisk]

I lost my mum 12 years ago to leuchemia. It was very sudden and we kind of shut the door and never talked about it within the family after it happened( I wrote about this before). I have since then come to terms with it( or at least realised it) with the help of a friend when I was 17.

I don't say I'm over it, not will I ever. But I can never seem to cry. Definitely not in front of other people, but even when I'm alone, it won't come out. I think there's something wrong cause not being able to cry isn't normal. :( I have become pretty 'insensitive' about things ever since my mum died. I won't get depressed over something that someone else might consider very serious. For me, I consider that I've been through a terrible time, so most things seem so much easier for me!

I'm just wondering if there's something wrong with me thinking like this... sometimes I feel as if I'm on another level(and not a better one). I'm only 22, yet my level of maturity(or whatever you would call that) is as if I'm 35 according to some.

:confused:

[firmbeliever]

fisk,
Sorry for your loss.

The thing is until you have grieved,it will be hard to get on with life.
Hope you find answers to your question.

Here is some information you may like to read through as you wait for an expert's answer.
WELCOME TO IMH ONLINE

[jakester]

fisk - my heart really goes out to you. I think that it was a real shame that the remaining members of your family did not openly discuss the loss of your mom and grieve over it because I think that not really dealing with the loss was a major impediment to your emotional health.

If I am honest with you, I think that although you have looked back at the loss of your mother, you may still be harboring resentment, anger, and deep sadness. I don't know the circumstances of your life as to why your family never dealt with your mom's passing. Maybe you are angry at someone for that. Maybe you are angry at God for taking her... not everyone believes that on the surface but honest people recognize the connection between life and death as coming from him.

Your loss has hardened you and made you grow up fast. That is why people find you mature. Being able to survive loss like that or experiencing hardships at an early age often have that affect on people. But I'd say that at some point, you are going to have to really look at what has happened in your life and either accept your life for what it is or reject it (which is to go on never dealing with it).

Here's what I am really trying to get across. This is hard for me to say but it's the truth... it's up to you to decide. The way I see it, all of us are living on borrowed time. We are not calling the shots and our lives are in God's hands. Our very own hearts go on beating only because God allows them to. I can accept that or reject it. I have to decide if I am going to allow God to run the world the way He wants to or not. That may not work out according to the way I want things to go down but am I okay with that?

My grandfather was killed in a brutal car accident. It really hit me in a profound way that someone I know and love could be here one minute and gone the next. No matter what the emotional tie to him was, it was instantly severed the moment he left this world. It happens all the time... we lose people and we don't understand why life has to be this way. But we have to be willing to allow God to be God or not. If we look at Him with suspicion and mistrust, we will never understand life in this world. Those are the options on the table.

I thought to say these things because I am at a loss for other words. Maybe there is something someone could say that could really comfort you but I don't know what that could be. Most of life is coming to grips with the really hard stuff over and over again and deciding to either shake my fist at God and hate Him for the hardships or begin to try and look at life from a different perspective... that He is good and that He wants to shape our characters for the life that is to come to those who want it.

[IM4U]

May I offer the possibility that you might talk through your sadness with a friend or even a professional counselor or pastor. Saying your memories of your mum and the death and ceremonies may open the way to more expressive grieving.

IM4U

[Revival]

Fisk. I can't cry anymore either when it comes to death. I lost an uncle, a mom, and a grandfather in the span of exactly two months. Ever since then I've become desensitized when it comes to death. The way you probably now deal with it is you bring it upon yourself to deal with it with the help of one or two people that's it. Its not unnatural you've come to terms with what's happened, and that's all you have to do. It's the good memories you want to keep close anyway so stop worrying about the crying and remember the good times ;)

[NewYork123]

Everyone deals with loss in their own way, there is no right or wrong way. I am sorry to hear about your mom and I hope you are doing okay.