Check out some similar questions!

gtwn · Sep 17, 2008, 02:49 PM

My girlfriend had been living together for 18 months. She sometimes talked about being homesick (family was 500 miles away). Four months ago she came home from work and told me that she had to move back home. She didn't want to end our relationship and that she felt like I was the guy she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. A month later she moved home to be near her family and friends. Her reasoning for moving home was to make the decision to spend her life there or with me. She says she needs to figure out if she can live and raise a family so far away from her parents, brother and friends. I'm currently divorced and have a daughter from a previous marriage that I have custody of every other weekend. My daughter and ex-wife currently live 350 miles in the opposite direction. I'm already to far away from my daughter and intend on moving closer when a transfer comes available or a find another job in the region. My daughter (3 years old) is very close to my girlfriend. Everything I've read about long distance relationships claim that one of the key factors to making a long distance relationship work is to have a plan for the two persons involved will be together. Currently ours is only filled with uncertainty. She is no closer to making that decision than she was before she left. I went into this situation planning that we would be apart for at least 6 months to a year but with no time frame and the possibility of vesting a year of my life into this relationship and then be told that she can't move away from her family again is becoming very hard to bear. I would move to be with her tomorrow if it were not for my daughter and she knows this. I love this woman like no one I've ever met and feel confident I could spend the rest of my life and never find another to compare. Finally my question!! Could she possibly feel the same way about me and still have these reservations about leaving her family?

jjwoodhull · Sep 17, 2008, 05:37 PM

In the 18 months that she lived with you did she visit home often? Did anyone visit her? Maybe if you and she worked out a plan making visits to her family as often as possible, she would feel more comfortable living so far away. Also, encourage her to have them visit you. Open up your home and make her friends/family feel welcome there. This could go a long way toward making her happy.

JBeaucaire · Sep 17, 2008, 05:43 PM

Could she possibly feel the same way about me and still have these reservations about leaving her family?

Yes.

gtwn · Sep 17, 2008, 05:46 PM

She visited home quite often. But during her entire 2+ years away from home her family rarely visited. She always blamed that on the fact that she visited so often. If she decides to come back to me that is definitely the plan.

JBeaucaire · Sep 17, 2008, 06:10 PM

If she decides to come back to me that is definitely the plan.

Are you even listening to yourself?

You can put your life on hold forever, totally your choice. Just know IN ADVANCE that it may be all for nothing. If that's OK with you, fine. Only you can answer that.

Meanwhile, I have to say it: "There is such a thing as stupid faithfulness." You can read into that whatever you want...

It makes just as much sense to NOT wait and still get together later if you two end up in the same place and not committed to others. Staying "together" when you're actually not is the definition of "avoidable frustration."

My recommendation: Remove your "titles" while you're still friends, then both of you do what you want. You're apart so that's fair anyway. If nothing better happens to either one of you, you can start again later IF cross paths in solid way. IF.

Meanwhile, stress is gone, humor is back, playfulness is back...

wikedjuggalo · Sep 17, 2008, 06:48 PM

Is not a long distance relationships ultimate goal to be together?

JBeaucaire · Sep 17, 2008, 06:55 PM

Originally Posted by wikedjuggalo

Is not a long distance relationships ultimate goal to be together?

The goal of ALL relationships (initially) is stay together. Most still fail.

My recommendation isn't meant to disrespect a potential goal, just keep them from being miserable in the meantime. With no titles, they STILL might end up together, and perhaps have a more relaxed LD friendship. It's already hard being apart, the stress reduction could be just the thing.

wikedjuggalo · Sep 17, 2008, 07:02 PM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

The goal of ALL relationships (initially) is stay together. Most still fail.

My recommendation isn't meant to disrespect a potential goal, just keep them from being miserable in the meantime. With no titles, they STILL might end up together, and perhaps have a more relaxed LD friendship. It's already hard being apart, the stress reduction could be just the thing.

I totally agree with you I was not disagreeing :)

gtwn · Sep 17, 2008, 09:52 PM

I wouldn't say my life is on hold. We're still seeing each other every three weeks, sometimes every two. I want this relationship to last forever. If we remove the "titles" then it's over. Our paths would not likely pass again. Neither one of us have the desire to see other people. It's all about her being able to decide if she's capable of making a life for herself away from her family. I appreciate the advice but ultimately I want to work toward the goal of being together again and not leave it to chance.

JBeaucaire · Sep 17, 2008, 10:24 PM

Then what are you asking us?

talaniman · Sep 18, 2008, 09:47 AM

Her decision is obvious, she will stay close to her family, and the conflict is your unwilling to move, because your not sure of what she wants.

So far your communications have been awful, and maybe you need to directly ask her what she thinks about you moving closer, for the specific purpose of being together, and building a life. If she is still unsure, you need to rethink this relationship.

If clear, honest, communications doesn't help you work together better, your wasting your time with each other.

gtwn · Sep 18, 2008, 10:08 AM

We have discussed me moving to her. She will have no part of me moving away from my daughter. If she knows that I'm not moving closer and she's not going to move to be with me then why would she continue the relationship? I just feel like if she didn't think there was a chance then she would end up so we could both start dealing with the loss of one another.