[firmbeliever]

You don't care about how you look,but you do in some way-which is why, you dont feel you look good enough.You don't feel you have the right to actually feel good about yourself
see where the cycle leads..you take comfort in food,but you know it isn't doing your body any good,but you wish to punish yourself in some way,but you hate the pain it leads to which is where the depression comes in.
You are anxious because you don't feel you fit in anywhere yet you want to ,but you don't want to.
It is such conflicting issues that leads to the anxiety...you hate to face people,but you like having friends you care about,what stops you is that feeling- the lack of self worth.
You feel you don't deserve the good people around you,but you find comfort in that you are there for them when they need you,
not the other way around..you don't like them being around when you need them


The above are my words from an IM conversation with a friend,this friend agrees all of the above are true regarding his feelings & his state of mind at this moment.

He would like someone to help identify what he has, or if there is an easy way to get out of this cycle.

I will be informing him of any answers you give here,hopefully he will be able to find something to move forward in finding the next step to a better emotional state.

Or if any of you have personal experience of being in this emotional cycle,what helped you?

He is seeking professional help,but he is also looking for alternative help in realising his own path to a more balanced state of mind,able to face normal everyday events with less anxiety.

Thank you for all your thoughts.

[firmbeliever]

Come on people,don't be shy.. as you can see, he can take the truth very well,he just doesn't know what to do with the truths.

He would love to hear any & all thoughts...


Thank you all on his behalf.


,

[GothGirl1771]

I know exactly what you mean. I've had the same problem. You don't feel like you fit in... but you really don't care. You eat comfort food... but you know it makes you feel worse about yourself, you hate to face or be around people too.
For your freind: :)

First, tell him that he is special... who cares what anyone else thinks... So what if you don't fit in. Be you. Being comfortable in your skin is hard. But you can do it. You have characheristics that no one else has that makes you YOU. Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Yeah, food does seem like a comfort. I do it too, I think to myself, "who cares, I don't look good anyway." And I pile it in. Find some other way to deal. Instead of eating find something else that will help your body... like running. When you feel depressed, doing this can realease everything inside... just scream, cry, write, anything. Let out the pent up emotions... just don't hurt yourself. I know you feel like you want to... but it just makes it worse. Believe me.
About the friends, I know what you mean. You want to help them, you just don't talk about your problems with them. Maybe they don't understand, maybe you think your not as improtant to talk about. YOU ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THEM! If you feel uncomfortable talking to them, confide in someone you really trust. They can help you heal. The reason good people are there is to help you. You do deserve good people. Tell yourself that.
Begin yourself discovery by discovering yourself. Find a hobby, write... journal your feelings. Tell yourself mentally you CAN get better. If you feel body conscious, work out, use weights, eat better. Improving your body can greatly improve esteem. You might feel your not worth it, but get the mindset, you deserve everything anybody else can do.

Remember"

BE yourself
You are worth it I know you are!
Start over again
Confide in someone
Tell yourself you are amazing
Tell yourself you CAN change
Eat better
Work out
Become who you want to be
Trust yourself
YOU CAN DO IT
YOU ARE WORTH IT
Your friends are there for you. Talk to them
Believe in yourself, you can do something BIG for the world! Beginning with you! :D

Good luck!

[firmbeliever]

Thank you Gothgirl,

I will make sure he reads your response.

.

[silverfox1988]

Forgive me if I'm not the wisest person, but I'll share my honest thoughts on this. It sounds like your friend has an issue with confidence, uses food, and uses other people's problems to escape worrying about their own.

If this is true, they probably don't want to be mollycoddled (made too much of a fuss over) because it may embarrass them and push them away. However, they need to make the first step which is accepting something may be wrong, and accepting that they have need for their friends.

Remind them that there is nothing wrong with needing friends. Everyone needs their friends at some point in their life. That's what friends are for after all.

You don't mention if they're actually overweight, but if weightloss is part of this, I recommend Slimming World if it's an option. It's a healthy 'diet' (more like a healthy lifestyle) which really works.

[katii]

You don't care about how you look,but you do in some way-which is why, you dont feel you look good enough.You don't feel you have the right to actually feel good about yourself
see where the cycle leads..you take comfort in food,but you know it isn't doing your body any good,but you wish to punish yourself in some way,but you hate the pain it leads to which is where the depression comes in.
You are anxious because you don't feel you fit in anywhere yet you want to ,but you don't want to.
It is such conflicting issues that leads to the anxiety...you hate to face people,but you like having friends you care about,what stops you is that feeling- the lack of self worth.
You feel you don't deserve the good people around you,but you find comfort in that you are there for them when they need you,
not the other way around..you don't like them being around when you need them


The above are my words from an IM conversation with a friend,this friend agrees all of the above are true regarding his feelings & his state of mind at this moment.

He would like someone to help identify what he has, or if there is an easy way to get out of this cycle.

I will be informing him of any answers you give here,hopefully he will be able to find something to move forward in finding the next step to a better emotional state.

Or if any of you have personal experience of being in this emotional cycle,what helped you?

He is seeking professional help,but he is also looking for alternative help in realising his own path to a more balanced state of mind,able to face normal everyday events with less anxiety.

Thank you for all your thoughts.

He shouldn't care what other people think or say about him. He may never see that person ever again. Go out and have fun. What other people think doesn't matter.

[firmbeliever]

he shouldn't care what other people think or say about him. he may never see that person ever again. go out and have fun. what other people think doesn't matter.

Katii,
He shouldn't care what others say about him,that is the thing, no one is actually saying anything,he is one of the nicest people I know.

It is less about what others think of him,more about what he thinks of himself... He feels different,he feels inadequate,he feels he is not normal,he feels anxious when facing people,or facing situations where he has to interact face to face with more than one person.

He would avoid any situation which involves him being with many people.He literally feels sick even before such an event happens,his anxiety levels are high during such times when he knows he has to be facing a group of people in the near future.

Forgive me if I'm not the wisest person, but I'll share my honest thoughts on this. It sounds like your friend has an issue with confidence, uses food, and uses other people's problems to escape worrying about their own.

You don't mention if they're actually overweight, but if weightloss is part of this, I recommend Slimming World if it's an option. It's a healthy 'diet' (more like a healthy lifestyle) which really works.

Silverfox,
It is true,he has an issue with confidence.
I don't know if he actually uses other people's problems to escape his own,but he sure does keep rehashing an issue he had in the past over & over again.

Weight gain is part of the problem,but I think it has more to do with feeling overall unhealthy as he has a back problem which limits him from physical activities or he uses the back problem as an excuse to escape physical activity.

[firmbeliever]

I was hoping someone could assist my friend get some insight into how to help himself?

.

[Choux]

I read a Chinese Proverb recently. I think it applies to many, many situations where people are unhappy for all kinds of reasons:

**The cure for misery is hard work.**


Best wishes to you and your friend,

[J_9]

**The cure for misery is hard work.**

While this may be true for some, it is not true for all. As a matter of fact, hard work can create more problems for someone who may be a workaholic, or bipolar for instance.

For some people "hard work" means that they are not owning up to a problem that they may be having, they may be masking it through work.

FB, I have read your thread and from your OP it is apparent that your friend may need some counseling. You say that he is already seeking professional help, yet sometimes it takes willpower in seeing the err of our ways to correct the behavior that we do not want to express. Much like an addict, it can take hitting rock bottom with our behavior, rather than addiction, to realize that we need to change. We see how we behaved in the "bad way," and work to improve that so as not to repeat that behavior. It is much like a compulsion and behavioral therapy, whether a therapist is used or not, can really be an advantage.

[simoneaugie]

Is he seeing a psychiatrist? Those symptoms sound like depression with anxiety disorder. Medication may give him the stabiliy he needs to move forward at this point.

An alternative? I burn White Sage at home when I feel that. I also put Clary Sage oil drops in a bath. These really, really help me.

[firmbeliever]

Thanks Choux,for your thoughts..

FB, I have read your thread and from your OP it is apparent that your friend may need some counseling. You say that he is already seeking professional help, yet sometimes it takes willpower in seeing the err of our ways to correct the behavior that we do not want to express. Much like an addict, it can take hitting rock bottom with our behavior, rather than addiction, to realize that we need to change. We see how we behaved in the "bad way," and work to improve that so as not to repeat that behavior. It is much like a compulsion and behavioral therapy, whether a therapist is used or not, can really be an advantage.

Thank you J.
He did go in for counseling,but at that time it was not much help to him.
He is trying out new treatments too(with guidance from someone),something called EFT-emotional therapy to help with his anxiety,it seems it helps him in some ways but in the major issues,it is not doing much.

Yes J, it is true,he has not hit rock bottom,but I see he is getting there, I was hoping he could get out of what he is in before things explode.

He is trying to get a new therapist,but he has to believe that it could help,he is skeptical,pessimistic about things,which may be adding to the overall anxiety issue,as he is always expecting things to go wrong.

Is he seeing a psychiatrist? Those symptoms sound like depression with anxiety disorder. Medication may give him the stabiliy he needs to move forward at this point.

An alternative? I burn White Sage at home when I feel that. I also put Clary Sage oil drops in a bath. These really, really help me.

He is working on finding a good therapist,who he feels comfortable with.

I will tell him about the burning sage,sounds like a good idea, to at least calm things a bit.

.

[Choux]

Does your friend know that each individual heals himself? Therapy and medication are to help the person find his way in the world without being miserable and suffering.

Some are not able due to the severity of mental illness and lack of motivation to *change*.

Your friend sounds like he is not wanting to change because he is finding fault with therapists.

[firmbeliever]

Choux,
He is not exactly finding fault with the therapist,but at the time he had a therapist, the issue which caused him to first have the anxiety thing was an ongoing situation in his life.

The therapy maybe did not have the impact it should have had,as much as it would have if he had been able to move away from the situation itself.

It was a very strong part of his environment at that time,which was causing him anxiety,now the situation(which caused the anxiety at the beginning) does not exist except in his mind & memories.

[Choux]

It sounds to me like he is feeling sorry for himself and wants to find a therapist who will not help him, but let him wallow in self-pity.

Not everyone wants help or is ready for help. That is their prerogative.

It is best not to cater with people who like to feel sorry for themselves... it is unhealthy for both involved. Engaging in self-pity is called "living in the problem", being very negative and NOT on the road to change and happiness.

If he doesn't want to *change* which requires some psychological pain, then that's his decision.

[firmbeliever]

Choux & others who have replied,

I need to correct a mistake I wrote here,it seems he is not looking for a new therapist,but trying to get the same therapist as before... He is trying to schedule meetings with the therapist.

I got mixed up,but he has corrected that information.

Thank you once again to all who have replied & will reply later.