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inyouris11 · May 13, 2006, 03:23 PM

I have 2 boys ages 9 and 10 and have been divorced for almost 2 years. Before the divorce was final I found a new partner and lived with him for just under a year. There was always conflicts with my new partner and things I wanted to do with the boys. He always wanted me to ask his permission when making decisions and setting up time with the children. It always seemed when I did try to include him in this process all the things I wanted to do with the kids it did not fit well into his time frame or frame of mind. He is 43 and has never been married. He was always good to the boys, never raised his voice to them and they enjoyed the time spent with him. Well as time went on I just felt uncomfortable in the relationship of living together. He always said he was going to marry US but never seemed to make the effort. I moved me and the boys out. I tried hard to stay away but I do love this man. We would get back together and break-up in most cases with him feeling second best to the boys (in my eyes the boys will always be first). When we would do things with the boys it was great.. till it was time to leave, then he would be visibly upset and the children saw that. The relationship always seems to be on again and off again. When we see him its great.. them boom another downfall of him feeling second best to them. He won't come to where to the boys and I live, so anything we do must be out somewhere. He wouldn't see us Christmas because of this, then I was made to feel guilty because he didn't see us that day. It has been 7 months of us re-building the relationship to the point were we are ready to get married, in that 7 months he has not seen the boys. I ask them to do things with him but they never want to. I am not sure why? Any help with this?

CaptainForest · May 13, 2006, 03:53 PM

Originally Posted by inyouris11

I ask them [your boys] to do things with him [your bf] but they never want to. I am not sure why? Any help with this?

Because they do not like him and he sounds like a selfish jerk.

He is 43, never married, he wants a gf/wife who doesn’t have kids. This relationship is not going to work.

In 7 months, he hasn't bothered to see your kids, you had to move out before? This won't work. He doesn’t want a wife with kids, and you are making your kids number 1 in your life (good job on that by the way... that is they way it should be)

I say move on, find another man who actually likes kids.

Fr_Chuck · May 13, 2006, 04:08 PM

I would agree with Catp Forest,

He also sounds controlling, with a family, the husband who is now a step dad is just told when kids events are, and he tries to make them.
Often he has to change his schedule to make it work, he has to put the needs of the family first normaly.

For example, this Wednesday, my wife is performing at Knoxville, our son has karate practice for a meet coming up. This is not his regular meeting date, so I have to arrange my time so I can be home to take him.

That is just the way it is, he has no idea what being a parent is all about and little about having a wife. Sounds like he wants a bed partner who will worship his every whim and the such.

If he is not willing to accept the family and be there for them on their time frame ( and it is obvoius he is not, if he really cared, he would not have stayed separated this long)

valinors_sorrow · May 13, 2006, 04:23 PM

With all due respects to Captain Forest, I agree more with Fr Chuck.. . and this may not have to do with your having kids.

I sense the man has "control" issues and if that is so, it usually only gets worse over time. People sometime try to bolster low self esteem issues with outside proof they are valued, which can and does turn into an ever increasing need for greater and greater proof - which leads some straight into abusing their partners to feed the addiction of control. This is fundementally what runs below the threshold of a lot of domestic abuse.

Consider yourself lucky that you have not matched up on your half of this deadly game. You apparently have love enough for yourself and your boys too, so love this man from a distance only. I believe he may need professional help to overcome this arrangement.

J_9 · May 13, 2006, 04:52 PM

Apparently he does not like your kids and your kids do not like him. Does this send up a red flag to you? Do you want to marry someone who does not love your kids like you do?

Do you want to raise your children in an environment where they feel like they have to compete for your love? This is what it sounds like to me. The BF is trying to make you compete for his love. If you do not do what he says you suffer.

I thought you wanted to put your children first? Will you be putting them first if you marry him and they have to live the kind of life you are trying to shelter them from?

Kick him to the curb, he is too immature to marry into a ready-made family.

inyouris11 · May 13, 2006, 05:05 PM

Oh he likes my boys, but your right it seems like he is competing for the attention... I will not let any man stand in front of my boys. I guess I just wondering if this was a common thing or if the boys were trying to tell me something, see relationships I have not had many of. I was married 20 years. This is the only other relationship I have been in at 42. I would never marry him unless the boys approved. All of you are great on here.. thanks

J_9 · May 13, 2006, 05:17 PM

Listen to your boys, children seem to have some innate kind of sense about these things. I am 42 also, but married, however when I do meet new friends and my children, 4 and 12, do not care for them I run for the hills.

talaniman · May 13, 2006, 07:16 PM

I'm trying to figure out what you where thinking moving these kids from there natural father to a strangers house and you really expect everything to be hunky-dory? On top of that you could not have known this guy very well because of your previous marriage so how did you figure to be so free as to start a new relationship and expect your kids not to be affected seeing their mom go through all these changes and moving about. Children need stability they can count on and have to know they are loved and wanted. The children come first so leave all those jerks alone and make them a loving and stable home. When they leave you'll have the rest of your life to do whatever you want, but not now. For your children's sake don't make them live through your mistakes!:cool: :confused:

fredg · May 14, 2006, 04:29 AM

Hi,
You really have some good answers so far.
I am 64, married now for 29 years.
You have picked the wrong man to fall in love with!! Any man who wants you to ask for "his permission" before you do anything is not for you; and if the boys don't like him, there is a very good reason. Any man who doesn't like children, and doesn't want them to like him, is not for you... a wonderful person with children. Children willl not like him, cause he doesn't want to be bothered with them.
I know it's hard to move on, when you are in love with someone. But, for the sake of your family, move on. Find another man.
I do wish you the best, and hang in there. Life is just one day at a time. Marriage is hard enough between just two people getting started. Your's will be compounded, at least 4 times as rough!

inyouris11 · May 14, 2006, 08:38 AM

You have all given much hope and insite.. love and peace to you all!
Karen