[ggmagoo]

If this man is any man at all and he truly doesn't want to be the cause of your marriage ending, then he needs to leave you alone. You need to leave him alone. If your emotionally checking out (it seems you have), what give you're the right to ask your husband to emotionally check in. How can you even complain? It takes two to make a marriage work. Honor the vows you made. For better or worse. There are women out there who are being physically, verbally sexually, mentally abused by the husband and can't or won't leave. Your only complaint is that there is no emotional intimacy. This is something you can attempt to fix and work on together; instead you seek emotional comfort from the past. If thinking of the past can incite you to commit adultery, then I urge you think of past life with your husband when you were happy. Use that as a jumping point to reconnect. If this man your talking to even entertains having an affair with a married women you may want to ask yourself what kind of man is he. Karma.

[gypsy456]

That was 6 years ago...

You have a life now with your husband and children...
A trip down to memory lane can be one of the most beautiful experiences.. but it's not your reality of today...

The grass is always greener on the other side...

[wonderwoman2007]

Okay, no offence but this makes me quite angry:

You're not even thinking about your children.

I know I don't know you, but from what I've read, you're obviously a very selfish person

Get real: think about how heartbroken your children would be

And how it would affect their lives.

It's not their fault their mother was stupid enough to get married while knowing she was in love with someone else.

[gypsy456]

Wonderwoman... we are not all wonder women... :) :)
We all make mistakes in our life, we are only human...
It may not have been the best decision.. but let's be honest: there are many people who are walking down the isle and are still "clueless" about what marriage will be like.

Having said that...
Marie7561 made a choice...
And this is not about you anymore Marie7561... you are responsible for children.
They did not ask to be born, they did not have a choice to come into this world...

So in that respect Wonderwoman makes sense...

You are responsible for your children, they need stability.
You say you lack emotional intimacy..
Marriage is bloody hard work, as you may have learned... it's days of sunshine and days of rain and thunder. You made a commitment for -here I go again, I keep saying it... "better and for worse"...
You have been married for 6 years... it takes time, energy and love to keep it "fresh" and I guess it won't... you know that person, you don't have butterflies in the stomach but you made a choice.. and there must have been a reason that you married that man who is -according to you- a good guy and you have good times.

Read the questions on this forum and I would almost say... "count your blessings".

Put your children first Marie7561... they are your responsibility.

Good luck.

[fix-what-you-broke]

I don't get it... day in day out you hear women complaining that their man is cheating, their man is violent to them, abusive,then from what I gather the posters husband is a good man,yet the woman is still not happy... confusing...
There's a saying I follow... dont fix what isn't broken...
All I can say is why can't people be happy with what they have instead of always looking for better...
I see your children don't seem to come into this... would they be happy leaving their daddy and living with a stranger?. just a thought.
Your ex is your ex, you said yourself that you knew that you were having these feelings the day you got married,to me that is a total lack of respect and love... imo.
I'm female, I'm 26, and I have my morals that not everyone will agree with.. and I may not know a lot but I know one thing... if I ever get to marry my current partner it would make me the happiest woman in the world,the days seem to be gone where some people get married for love.. seems you did it to stop from being alone... if you disrespect your husband so much then leave him.sorry if I sound harsh but I feel sorry for the husband who has done nothing worng but still his wife wants another...

[talaniman]

What the hell is emotional intimacy? My wife says its good sex, without the sweating. I still don't know, but I guess that's how the OP's husband feels.

[jayvega]

I think you should think about letting the past be just that.. the past, no matter how good it may have been. He actually predicted your future if you go forward with it.. a broken marriage and torn children . Later when the divorce settles you may realize it wasn't worth it when those desires die down

[talaniman]

Take that energy you put into the other guy, and focus on the one you have.

[donis]

About Marie,
I think we need more info before blasting away at poor Marie like this. Surely we have all at times wondered similar questions about others or past lovers. She mentions lack of intimacy. Well folks, intimacy is not proven because she has kids.

In fact there may be deeper questions here. Maybe there was intimacy and now its gone? Maybe she hoped it would develop but didn't. A lot could be meant by her statement lack of intimacy. I know a lady who means when she says it, her husband decided to sleep on the couch for the past 5 years. He was a negative person, so she says. Now that the divorce word came up, he said he had to make a "business decision", and finally decided to cave in to her every whim.

So he has gone from an authoritarian, to a submissive butt kisser. She thinks its to keep his 5 year old kid.

But even with all these changes, the intimacy isn't there. Nor is communication. She feels he doesn't really love her, and has suspicions he has another lover. He has said before, have you ever loved 2 people at once? Or something like that.

She also recently contracted urethritis, and that causes her to think he does sleep with others.

So maybe marie thinks her husband really doesn't love her very much. Yes, men can stay with women they don't like that much. The lover could be a catalyst for deep feelings of hurt in the marriage.

So, before we condemn her, lets give her the benefit of the doubt. And remember that many many women will not leave a husband that they should leave unless they have a safe passage with someone else. There is a lot of risk the older that you get that there will be no one good for you. I think this is one reason why women make sure they have someone.

Why should she stay in a marriage if she doesn't feel loved?

The kids will survive. In fact they may survive better with parents that openly love each other. A marriage is and always will be between 2 individuals. And its what they think that matters.

Dons

[sallyonsunday]

Marie- I'm in a similar boat and unlike a lot of these people I know how you feel. I'd say follow your heart. Once something like this is in your head and your heart, you will not rid yourself of it. Its easy to say "you shouldn't have got married" but life does not work like that. As regards people saying you're selfish because of your kids- I think the most important thing for a mother to be is happy- the rest will follow. Bitterness, regrets and resentment are not a good example for children. My friend's mother left for a situation like this- he's not damaged, instead time has passed and he has a happy mother and great stepdad. My auntie left her husband to be with my uncle- they've been together 20 years now. 6 years is nothing- if you were unhappy on the day you married nothing is suddenly going to change. I've seen so many people living in miserable marriages, its not worth it, for anything. Somebody told me today they are still wishing they were back with their ex after 10 years! Don't let it be you! You only get one life, please follow your heart and live it. If you feel this way after six years and so does he- you've got something there, that time or distance or situation cannot change. Your husband would be devastated if he knew you felt like this on your wedding day, and if my parents were like this and I found out when I were older, I'd be devastated too. No matter what your good points are like in your marriage- if something's just not right, it's wrong. Best of luck, and let us know how you get on. X

[caliza]

Well Marie,

Confused about all the above answers,
Well I too am in the same confusion, in my case my ex is married, but still keep contacting him through mail.

If you are really serious then think over these:

1. Are you ready to leave and hurt your hubby

2. Are your ready to snatch and share your kids love among parents?? (What if your parents would have done this with you? )

If you have no plans to leave your hubby but just want to sail in two boats then think a while, wound of heart has no healing.

After reading many of the answers I removed my ex mail id from my contacts and have decided not to mail him, because the pain which my ex has given me in the past should not be given to my hubby as my hubby is a gem.

Thanks every one for your suggestions. Today my eyes are open. Thank God. Past is past we can never change past into present.

[jennyrena]

Message to all who might read this in the future. It is one thing to have ups & downs in your marriage , but to step outside of it does not help you to grow better together. So if you truthfully are hoping to make it work with your partner, then you would and that's the bottom line and the period at the end is that if you cheat on your spouse you are also cheating on your kids.think about that when your laying , talking , or texting them. Think about what you are doing to their mom or dad and how they would feel about that knowing that we are suppose to protect them from the bad and sad of this world. There is no lust or money worth letting your kids down.

[talaniman]

Just to add, if your still in love with someone else, don't get married! Resolve the old, before jumping into the new, with all that baggage.Thats only fair.

[kelly514]

I have been married almost 6 years. I have 2 children w/ this man and we have developed a pretty good life together. He's a good guy, although we are missing something very important from our marriage....emotional intimacy!
Along with this I have never gotten over someone from my past. I knew I still loved this other man the day I got married. Problem is that he moved away and we never took the chance to try it together. I have recently contacted this other man and he says he too still has feelings for me. It has been a very emotional couple of weeks that we have been talking (txt messaging...)

I think he would want to try it again with me someday, but he has said that he doesnt want to be the root of breaking up my family. Advice would be greatly appreciated!

Lost in ex-love,

Marie

You made a solemn vow to forsake all others and to stand by your husband through the worst and the best... that's the meaning of marriage... why tie the knot and have 2 kids if you don't care for it?. after 6 years, if your heart is wondering, it is probably out of the excitement that comes with "what might happen", there's a saying for that : the grass always looks greener on the other side... until you get there... and you have 2 kids, would you actually want to put them through hell just for what might happen?. so think it over... and look at both sides before making a decision... good luck...

[Guest]

Don't feel bad unless you've done more than text
I too am in similar situation but I have 0 kids
I've been married 4 years there is no emotional intamency here either
I have talked to my husband and he says that's too mushy he isn't into that and never will be
So yea I have constant dreams of my ex which I was with 7 years and he was my first love and first everything . I haven't talked or seen this guy in 2 years but I dream of him constantly I don't think ill ever truly get over him .
Yes there were reasons we didn't make it but my parents were the main reason
They hated him and I was living there at the time and was a teen so I didn't have a lot of choices . Oh well I haven't cheated and won't I'm married so I will look but never touch
But just don't think bad of yourself unless you have done more than text .

[sylvan_1998]

Okay... I too can relate to all those that are in similar situations and I have been working on this tooo. I think the answer is in familiarity. Boredom. Stagnation.

Cheers to all of you all that have great marriages with out the above baggage.

It takes two to remove the boredom and stagnation and to add imagination which alleviates the familiarity. But if you and your husband are not in the same frame of mind, this usually only leaves one looking to change.

Thirteen years and 2 children later I am in the same boat. The only difference is my husband and I will stay in this marriage, no matter how miserable, until the end. Just the way we are. So, I am insisting we go to marriage counseling with a counselor/sextherapist. The addage don't fix what isn't broke is sort of true, but if you tune it up once in awhile, it may never break at all!!

I do not know what I will do about my email fantasy ex. Right now, he is not talking to me... so maybe nothing to worry about. But knowing him and interacting afar with him makes me strive to make my marriage so much better until I just don't need him anymore.

Don't worry. Sounds like there are many more people feeling what you are feeling so we understand and sympathize. But realize many of these answers are all hinting at the same thing. If you want to be happy in your marriage, you need to fill those needs within your home. Going outside will only make you miserable.

[magic marker]

Dear Marie

I am like you, though I have no children and I have only recently been married - we're about to hit the four month mark. I am deeply upset, because I wish I hadn't eloped with him. I wish I was still single, so I could pursue the love of my life, who I left in a distant country three years ago.

My ex and I used to do everything together. He knows all my family. I could not hold him in higher esteem as a man and as a friend. We have recently started emailing.

I feel so isolated, because my family are all in different countries and they have not yet met my husband. They have seen pictures, and they know of him, but we were only dating for a few months when we eloped. I don't know why I was so silly!!

I guess when I eloped I thought that since there was no chance with my ex, that any man would do.

My husband is a good man, he loves me, but he can not understand me. I am very different to him. He complains about his job all the time, even though I know he has great passion for what he does. I don't know why I should be a sounding board for his negativity.

He expects me to clean and pay half of our bills, and do his laundry. I have a professional degree and I work fulltime. I expect him to carry his weight with household chores. I hate doing everything.

I had never lived with a man before my husband. I didn't know it would be so unblissful and so soul-destroying. I was not made to be a maid.

Also, I find it hard to lust after my husband. He has a tummy that has been growing and his conversation is so boring. He's not interesting and he doesn't read anything. He doesn't like to run on the beach or anywhere, or do anything. He just wants to sit on the couch and watch the television.

In the last four months I have not seen my friends as often and I usually did, and I have not been out doing anything fun really. He's so limiting.

I am 25, soon to be 26 and I don't know if I should stay with a good man, or seek a divorce or annulment so I can pursue someone who may be nothing but a fantasy.

[marvick]

I have been married almost 6 years. I have 2 children w/ this man and we have developed a pretty good life together. He's a good guy, although we are missing something very important from our marriage....emotional intimacy!
Along with this I have never gotten over someone from my past. I knew I still loved this other man the day I got married. Problem is that he moved away and we never took the chance to try it together. I have recently contacted this other man and he says he too still has feelings for me. It has been a very emotional couple of weeks that we have been talking (txt messaging...)

I think he would want to try it again with me someday, but he has said that he doesnt want to be the root of breaking up my family. Advice would be greatly appreciated!

Lost in ex-love,

Marie

My husband left me for his ex girlfriend, it totally devastated me and my children, you made a promise to your husband, keep that promise!, there's more then just you involve, you would be destroying lives if you further it

[glamorous42410]

Your ex may very well be your soulmate-but he may have been a former soulmate-a person that you needed at that point in your life to get you to wher you are today. I myself went through the same thing, with my fiancé and my ex, looking back my ex was no good for me. Your husband won't be able to provide you with anything unless you tell him what you need-tell him what your going through and ask his advice-i know it sounds strange to ask your husband for your advice on another man, it worked for me and my fiancé though. Granted you are not me and he is not my fiancé, but it won't hurt to try. You and your ex broke up for a reason, and there's a reason he did not contact you sooner. You married your husband for a reason, just remember that, and know in your heart everything will work out the way its supposed to, our paths have already been determined and nothing you can do will change the result of how our lives are destined to be lived and turn out, so just sit back and see what happens.

[learnintolikeme]

This looks very much like you are already involved in an emotional affair.
let me put words onto this for you!
1. This X makes you feel good.
2. I have never felt like this with my husband
3. No one else makes me feel like this
4. My stomach tickles every time he calls so it must be love
5. I wait for his text it is the highlight of my day, I must be in love

Justification for your actions

1. I never got the chance to fall out of love before I met my husband, so others will understand my situation. Wrong! They see a cheat
2. I have 2 beautiful kids with this man, it takes time to look after them so my husband and I don't have time for intimacy, so he has distanced himself for me. Wrong, he is giving you space to be a good mother and wife, that is every day life.
3. I wait for my husband to show me intimacy but he is slow I need more.BUT I won't ask for it directly he should know better. Wrong! He is not a mind reader you need to talk and communicate loveingly
4. My husband is a great father but a lousy husband. Wrong, he is a family builder and human being with feelings too.
5. My husband doesn't love me. Wrong, he married you.
6. Something has died along the way. Correct, the infatuation and real life has taken over, work at it it takes two to tango.
7. Maybe we make better friends than lovers. Wrong your husband needs intimacy too. If you think he is a good man arouse his intimate side, maybe you are a bit harder to approach than you think.
8. The kids will be OK if we split up. Wrong, their future will be broken. They will cope hopefully but they will need a lot more help to make it than now.
9. I want my X. Correct, you do want your X there is something exciting in doing things that are forbidden, you have stepped over the line of aceptability, step back before it goes too far. ( My advice... you asked for it )
10. I want my freedom. Sounds very much like it!
11. I want my old life. Do you? Was it so perfect?
12. I don't give a monkeys about anyone else's feelings except my own at the moment I feeeeel good and that is all I care ,want or need at the moment. SO TRUE

You know kid this is a pattern all cheaters follow, it is so predictable and you need to open your eyes.
If you cheat with your husband you will fall into a life of problems when the infatuation wears off.
Your kids will suffer and you will face economical disaster.
If you have any conscience left you will eventually begin to feel the guilt.
Did you have an unhappy childhood?? The fact that you are so needy reflects this in many ways. I can only speculate of course.
Try to look at your kids future they need a stable home.
Marriage is difficult you have to work at it.
Just try to remember we get married to make families. Family should be a form of security for all members, but it needs to be built from all sides to be strong.
If you cheat one of the main bricks will be removed and the foundations will crumble.
I hope you can live with that.
Stop looking for a cheap way out.
Leave your husband by all means if he is not good enough for your needs, but leave this poor guy some dignity.
Walk away from something you describe as good if you need to but disrupt your kids life as little as possible, let them stay with their beloved dad. Let them keep a little security.
Give this good man a chance to find someone else to bring up youtr kids but let him do it in a cheat free environment.

You are the problem here not your husband.
You need to communicate, you need to tell him what is happening, perhaps he will help you. He deserves that choice.
Mainly you ned to grow up. Take responsibility.
Show respect for yourself and your family.