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confused25 · Sep 11, 2008, 10:27 PM

Hello

Well I haven't posted in a while, partly because things in life have been going well. However, I have a very good friend of mine who is having relationship problems and he really needs some advice. Problem is I don't know what to tell him. So here is the dilemma.

He has been in this relationship for 3 years and really for the most part its all been great. They have a lot of great times together and they truly love one another. I see it and I believe it. Sadly behind all that there is a serious problem that continues to occur. His girlfriend is very possessive and doesn't let him hang out with his friends and go to the bars.

Every time he wants to hang out with the "guys" or even go to the beach on his own she gets angry and starts to ask "Why do you want to hang out with your friends?! Is it because you don't want to hang out with me?!" Or "Why didn't you tell me you were going to the beach!? Don't you want to spend time with me?!"

Unfortunately things get worse if he wants to go out with the guys to have a drink at the bar. She'll tells him she doesn't want him to go because she is afraid he will get drunk, dance with other women, and go home with them. I am happy to say that he has NEVER given her a reason not to trust him (completely faithful), yet she still becomes furious at the idea of him going out. If that's not enough, she get's angry even if he simply offers a female friend a ride back home.

So he has done his best to resolve this problem. He has taken the time to talk to her on numerous occasions and in those times he expresses how he feels. She tells him that she realizes she is being unfair but that she can't help it. He is doing his best to work things out and not break up but he is out of ideas and he is getting frustrated.

Any advice you guys can give me so I can give him??

ChihuahuaMomma · Sep 11, 2008, 10:32 PM

It sounds like she may have had an untrustworthy relationship in the past. These feelings and behaviors could be because of that.

I would suggest to him to talk to her. Let her know that her behavior is over=protective and she has no reason to distrust her.

The bar thing I can kind of understand. I didn't care for my ex going to the bar without me, cause you hear too often, "I didn't mean to cheat, I was drunk". But if he doesn't like this, he needs to bring her once or twice, and let her see the routine, and she'll be more at ease with it all.

Perhaps suggest to him, for him to make a date night or two a week. A night just for them.

nickshehe · Sep 12, 2008, 03:16 AM

I've found that during most relationships it all lies within the foundations of those relationships. What I mean is that if at some point he was possesive it gave her the same "right". Chihuahuamomma is right in saying that it could also be past relationships.. but that being said , 3 years into a relationship; it's very hard to change a habit like this. I know what a huge problem this is because one of my best friends is in the same position.. and we usually have guys nights out and she joins us because he really has no choice anymore. I've even tried reasoning with his girlfriend at times, being objective, and explaining how she's making things worse - but it's extremely difficult to change something like this..
I'd suggest following ChihuahuaMommas advice.. but make sure that going out with the boys doesn't turn into a habit too as it has in my friends life.
(That being said - it doesn't bother me at all that his girlfriend hangs out with us.. but I know it bothers my friend)

confused25 · Sep 12, 2008, 09:11 AM

Well I know for a fact he has never been possessive. The problem with her is not a past relationship, this is actually her first relationship (he is 21 she is 19). Her biggest issue is that her father actually left her mother because of alcohol and another woman. Now she is afraid that he will do the same thing (she has mentioned this).

My friend has been very sensitive to this fact by always bringing her along to every event he has with the guys. Even better is that he never drinks because he doesn't want to upset her. However, he has finally reached the point where he is fed up with that. He has sat down and had very long discussions with her. He has told her "I'm not going to get drunk, I'm not going to leave you, I just want to spend some time with my friends."

He has been clear to her about what he wants: He does not want to break up with her, he just wants some alone time with the guys, without her getting upset about it. The date night is not a bad suggestion but the problem is that they already spend every night together. Talking also hasn't worked, he has been honest, sensitive, and patient. That's why he is so frustrated.

Any other ideas and insights?

ChihuahuaMomma · Sep 12, 2008, 12:03 PM

He needs to make her realize that HE IS NOT HER DAD, and that just because he enjoys his friends alone time with his friends, and sometimes that includes drinking. However he needs to make her realize that.

confused25 · Sep 12, 2008, 02:39 PM

Yeah, but the question is how??

ChihuahuaMomma · Sep 12, 2008, 02:42 PM

Perhaps being harsh here is the only way to go. He has to be honest with her and tell her this is a problem. He has to tell her she is smothering him, and being too possessive. He'll always be there, but she needs to realize he needs his alone time.

confused25 · Sep 13, 2008, 10:26 AM

Yes he has also been very direct with her. Yet she still complains. My idea is similar to yours in that he just needs to go out with his friends. If she complains he should just walk away, go out with his friends, and then handle the aftereffects the next day. No more asking for permission.

However, he is worried that if he does that she will overreact and break off the relationship, which he doesn't want. That's why he is in this dilemma. He was hoping to find a reasonable solution that two adults could agree to but it doesn't look like that will happen. So like you said he may have to be a bit harsh.

ChristinaSuzann · Sep 13, 2008, 11:07 AM

Sounds like she needs to see a professional to help her learn to trust. I know it can be very difficult to trust men if the man you should trust the most (your father) cheats on your Mother. That can be very damaging for a lot of years and she is just a young woman.
She needs to understand that this is her problem not his and perhaps a professional can help her understand. He can support her through the process as it does sound like they care about each other. I can tell you that she does not enjoy being this way it affects her own self worth and makes her feel as badly as it makes him feel.
I am almost 40 and the same thing happened with my parents. To this day I struggle from time to time with trust with my husband who has NEVER given me a reason to distrust. But we talk about it when I get "that way" and I understand my behavior so it is easier for me to keep it "in check" and under control. I did not get the proper help when I was young but once I did when I was 30 and I am so happy that I can now have a healthy relationship. This young woman is only 19 if she can get help now she can save herself a lot of heartache and unnessessary strife for her entire life.
Good luck