[brwneyedgrl]

I have been hooking up with this guy for 3 years. I like him so much and I know he likes me. I don't think he wants a commitment, because he hasn't asked me out and he may never. We hangout like once a week and we keep our options open for others that walk into our lives. I wonder sometimes why have we been like this for so long. Is this just for the mean time until I meet someone else that wants to be serious. He knows I would like to be with only him but I think he likes the way that we are. He thinks it is more exciting and he feels that if we see each other too much we wouldn't miss each other like we do when we see each other again. When we are together we are beyond crazy for each other. There is so much passion. We get along really good and we are very sweet to each other. Im just wondering what is behind all of this. Is this a healthy kind of relationship we have or not. Sometimes it hurts when I see him at clubs cause he flirts with other girls, so then I do the same thing back to him. We are both in our 20's. Maybe we should just be having our fun and seeing what's out there. It is nice to have him there though sometimes. I get to see what's out there and I still get to have him. Though sometimes I think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend but I won't be with him until he is all for it and ready. When I'm in a relationship I am very serious and I won't just go out with anyone I have to be 100% sure. The question is what do you think about this situation...

[kp2171]

I can't tell you this is wrong or right. Its up to you.

I can tell you its not the behavior of most people in long term relationships... the keeping the options open thing. But then again, some people are happy for a time with the friends with benefits arrangement.

And I'm sorry to say I do know one woman who has been in a relationship like this for years... I'm talking over ten... she says the sex is just fantastic, the passion is intense, but its messed her up. She knows she is unfulfilled and its like she's addicted to this guy.

I do agree that when you are in your 20's some experimentation and having fun for the sake of fun is common. The important thing is to understand is it right for you. It might be OK now and not later. It mightve been OK before but not as much now.

What I wanted and who I wanted at 18 vs 22 vs 24 vs 30 were all different, and that's OK.

So I'm guessing the is it normal question is answered by what is normal? Who is normal? I'm sure it happens. It might happen a lot. But you sound like you are missing something here a little... that you wish this would take on another dimension and that he isn't interested in that.

Prior to my marriage I had a relationship that was very loosely bf/gf... we didn't date anyone else, but it was "allowed", and yeah, sex was a big part of it. It was fun and I think healthy even for a time, but after almost 2 years, it just wasn't enough. She wasn't ready to get more serious and I was. She was also 6 years younger. So in that context, I've kind of been there... though everyone considered us a couple, even though we didn't push the bf/gf tags.

[fredg]

Hi,
I also can't tell you if it's right or wrong.
But, this is clearly "friendship"; going nowhere if you want a loving relationship, such as possible marriage some day.
You are good friends, that's all.
After 3 years, if there is no mutual "love" for each other, in a boyfriend/girlfriend way, then just accept it as friends, and try finding someone you want to love.

[Krs]

I have been hooking up with this guy for 3 years. I like him so much and I know he likes me. I dont think he wants a commitment, because he hasnt asked me out and he may never. We hangout like once a week and we keep our options open for others that walk into our lives. I wonder sometimes why have we been like this for so long. Is this just for the mean time until I meet someone else that wants to be serious. He knows I would like to be with only him but I think he likes the way that we are. He thinks it is more exciting and he feels that if we see eachother to much we wouldnt miss eachother like we do when we see each other again. When we are together we are beyond crazy for each other. There is so much passion. We get along really good and we are very sweet to each other. Im just wondering what is behind all of this. Is this a healthy kind of relationship we have or not. Sometimes it hurts when i see him at clubs cause he flirts with other girls, so then I do the same thing back to him. We are both in our 20's. Maybe we should just be having our fun and seeing whats out there. It is nice to have him there though sometimes. I get to see whats out there and I still get to have him. Though sometimes I think we should be bf and gf but I wont be with him until he is all for it and ready. When im in a relationship I am very serious and I wont just go out with anyone I have to be 100% sure. The question is what do you think about this situation.....

I would also believe that he doesn't want a commitment. 3 years is 3 years not 3 months, it's a long time.
Im sure he likes you but if he seriously wanted ONLY you - he would have made that clear, and asked you out as his girlfriend. But he didn't.
I believe for a guy in his 20's this is an ideal relationship, no strings attached, he has it easy.
He just likes the excitement and whole concept about a good relationship is not ONLY excitement I'm afraid.

[talaniman]

Your young and free and enjoying life if your BOTH cool with things the way they are, what's the problem? :cool: :rolleyes:

[milliec]

To tell you the truth, I don't like the way it sounds to me - he likes what he has with you, but feels free. As Talaniman said, at your age it might be great, no ties, but ONLY IF IT'S RIGHT FOR BOTH OF YOU. .
But you say:
"He knows I would like to be with only him" - which shows that you two don't regard this relationship in the same way. And as long as you hang around like this and feeling this way inside, you're not actually open to other options.
If you're really good friends, you might bring out the subject, discuss your feelings, his intentions, the way you'd like it, the way he'd like it...
Like KRS said, 3 years are sufficient for each of you to know what are the feelings for the other.
You're in your 20ties now, but time flies, and you might wake up one day, finding out you wasted years without getting what you really wanted in life.
If you can't have such a discussion, there's no future
Though you might be friends and have great sex, it seems you sense you lack something in this relationship -
You're not exactly happy about the situation.
You might begin considering moving on.

It happens, SOMETIMES, that when YOU start to look around, the other party becomes aware of the possibility of losing you, and then recognize feelings for you which were suppressed until then, so as not to interfere with his freedom.

Millie
:)

[milliec]

Hi Talaniman,
And thank you for your comment, because it makes me elaborate on my last phrase-assuming your question addressed it.
(at least, i feel that this phrase need some addition.)
I hesitated a lot before adding it. The way things are right now, brwneyedgrl is not happy, otherwise she wouldn't write here.
I agree that people "want what they feel they can't have", and if her friend might feel he's losing what he has with her, he might begin to look at the whole relationship in a new way.
I saw cases where it happened. If they will be both happy?
Only if there is love. As I said, maybe he has feelings he's not aware of, it looks liked brwneyedgrl has, and doesn't acknowledge them fully, because of the present nature of their relationship.
He might , too, blot deeper feelings because he feels comfortably the way things are.
My problems writing here have to do with the fact that english is not my main language, and that we can't hear each other, intonations are SO important.
I hope I clarified things, if only a little,
Bye,
Millie

[Krs]

to tell you the truth, i don't like the way it sounds to me - he likes what he has with you, but feels free. as Talaniman said, at your age it might be great, no ties, but ONLY IF IT'S RIGHT FOR BOTH OF YOU. .
but you say:
"He knows I would like to be with only him" - which shows that you two don't regard this relationship in the same way. and as long as you hang around like this and feeling this way inside, you're not actually open to other options.
if you're really good friends, you might bring out the subject, discuss your feelings, his intentions, the way you'd like it, the way he'd like it...
like KRS said, 3 years are sufficient for each of you to know what are the feelings for the other.
you're in your 20ties now, but time flies, and you might wake up one day, finding out you wasted years without getting what you really wanted in life.
if you can't have such a discussion, there's no future
though you might be friends and have great sex, it seems you sense you lack something in this relationship -
you're not exactly happy about the situation.
you might begin considering moving on.

it happens, SOMETIMES, that when YOU start to look around, the other party becomes aware of the possibility of losing you, and then recognize feelings for you which were suppressed until then, so as not to interfere with his freedom.

millie
:)

I couldn't comment on your post as I would like to say :-
VERY VERY GOOD POINT ABOUT A SENTENCE YOU SAID
"if you can't have such a discussion, there's no future"..
Listen to what this really means, and if this guy can't be arsed to listen to what you have to say and also understand you're feeling then let him go and don't waste more time. Time flies and if you carry on after you talk about and he shows no interest or understand I truly believe its so not worthed wasting more time on. GOOD LUCK

[talaniman]

Without brwneyedgrl posting again it would be hard to say whether she's wasting time or not since she indicates she can see what's out there and still have him around too, so its possible that she is happy.:cool: :)

[AKaeTrue]

I would also suggest talking to your friend again about where the relationship is heading. I believe you will get your long anticipated answer from him more quickly if you were to explore other relationships (even if he doesn't bluntly say how he feels). If he acts like it's "no big deal" and encourages you and congratulates you on your new relationship, then there is no future with him beyond a friendship. If he seems disappointed or upset about your new catch, then there may be more than just a friendship after all. You've know him for three years, so you should be able to pick up on what kind of vibes he's sending you.
When he sees you at the club, does he ignore you and flirt with other girls? Or does he include you and introduce you to the new people he has met?
Best of luck,
Kae

[Chery]

You've gotten some very sound advice here and hope you have the courage to approach him about what it is you want from him.
Yes, life is short, and you are still young - boy what a confused world this is... (I'm sure you've heard it all before)

Does he by any chance come from a split family? If you and he have enough trust in each other to talk about what you want in the future, do it. Things left unsaid can haunt you in the end.

You'll be better off in the long-run if you clear this. Even if it turns out negative for you, it will still give you a base to start on building a life that you want for yourself. Rejection is painful, but if it happens (which you don't know for sure) you'll at least no longer be in limbo and can plan a future without him if necessary.

Wish you lots of luck and hope it works out the way you want.

[J_9]

Just remember that you are also having sex with everyone he has sex with. These days that means he can bring you STDs

[cutie123456]

Will my boyfriend and I get back together

[letmetellu]

There is an old saying that goes: "Why buy a cow when you are getting your milk for nothing" I think this entire relationship is baset on that saying, and I am not just talking about the sexual side. If you are satisfied I think there is nothing wrong with it except it has no future.