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milliec · May 8, 2006, 11:37 PM

My dear!
I would really postpone it, after all, you've lived with it for such a long time - bear this a little longer.
IN THE MEANTIME:
See if you can make an appointment with a counsellor, to try and discuss this action (telling/ not telling) him.
I think you can get a LOT of help speaking with a professional face - to - face- because we can't really "talk" here. I think you need someone real to talk to, beside us here.
And write as much as you need, and we'll keep in touch.
Bye,
Millie

lovely mmt · May 8, 2006, 11:41 PM

You're absolutely right.
I need to talk with someone about this. I have too many questions to ask. Thanks for all your help

lovely mmt · May 16, 2006, 02:05 AM

Hello everyone,
Just an update. I decided to let my husband know about my situation a few days ago. I would have never thought it would be so easy. I should've known I could tell him anything.
When I told him about it, his first question was if I was going to leave him. I love him more than I did before. His first reactions were not even anger or disappointment. Only if I was going to leave him.
I asked if he wanted to know, and he said No, not really. But if it made me feel better then I did the right thing.
Even now he still cares about my feelings.
Just yesterday he joked around to me before he left for work. Telling me "No cheating while I'm gone, I already kickass at work. Don't want to have to come home and do it." he thought he was so funny. But I know he got his point across.
I don't even know if I deserve him. He's special, one of a kind.

Thanks for all your help any comments are appreciated.

Myth · May 16, 2006, 02:10 AM

I'm glad it's all working out for you. Honesty is truly the best policy in cases such as this. I know it must have been hard but it shows an amazing amount of trust in your relationship with your hubby that he's able to joke about it. I bet that this crush feeling will subside soon. I think that you've moved to a deeper stage with your hubby and exploring it will help to rediscover the things that you both may have taken for granted from each other. Take care and keep us posted. We're here for you.

marie7561 · May 16, 2006, 04:51 AM

Don't feel bad and you are not alone. Obviously if you had the choice you wouldn't have these thoughts because you surely love your husband and don't want to hurt him. I am in a similar situation. Been married 6 years to a great guy... we have 2 kids together. I am in still in love with an ex-lover from my past. I haven't seen him in over 8 years but he is on my mind every single day. It is a horrible feeling when you know you can't have what you want. I don't want to break up my family but I think happiness for me is really with this other man. Maybe you and I both just think the grass is greener over there... or you know the saying "you want what you can't have". Either way, I am here to tell you that you aren't alone. Good Luck!

talaniman · May 16, 2006, 10:33 AM

There is nothing wrong with having feelings, and we all dream about what was, and what could have been, but when those feelings keep us from dealing with the reality of life then there is a problem. There is nothing wrong with talking to a professional or a trusted friend or even a spouse to shake us back to the real world so we don't do something stupid like act on those deep and sometimes far-fetched feelings and end up hurting ourselves or the ones we love. I think the posters here should be applauded for reaching out BEFORE they got carried away and I hope the advice of all of us helped keep their feet on the ground:cool: ;)

lovely mmt · May 16, 2006, 11:36 PM

I am very grateful for all the advise. It never crossed my mind to tell my husband. NEVER!
And like Myth said, I think we are moving to a deeper stage in our relationship.
I do limit myself now from returning items, walking my hubby out cause I know his friends there, and I don't answer the phone if I know it will be him. I let my hubby do that. I feel in control now, especially now that I'm under the ever watchful eye. But I'm glad my husbands on my side with support and we're not against each other and angry. Which I really honestly thought we would be.
Thank God it's going to be all right

educatedhorse_2005 · May 17, 2006, 03:30 AM

It sounds to me like you married the perfect person.

Grammarian-Bot · May 17, 2006, 07:04 PM

Well before advisisng you, I must tell you that I am in a business of advising people in same matters as that of yours and I have seen a lot of such cases. I think you just have an infatuation with this guy and that is simply because you love your husband too much. Now this may sound a bit weird but let me explain it. You said that this new guy is just like a revitalized version of your husband. Now I think that you are so much in love in with your husband that you are completely connected spiritually connected with him and every thing that is related or belongs to him is dear to you. So one cannot complain about a complete alive man who , according to u, is a younger version of your husband. Now telling your husband the whole story may worsen the situation. Some people may say that he loves you and would understand your position. But think it like this, your husband loves you like hell and eventually you repay him with a crush on his friend. He may not get angry and might react quietly but I this way you would loose his trust. Now in order to solve this problem there is no need to ignore him. The more you do that, the more you would think about him. That would be more painful. A better way is to get involved in your family matters, visit your church/mosque regularly, try to find rather a good friend ini this guy, if you have a kid think about him and think how you would have reacted if your husband had acted the same way.

lovely mmt · May 18, 2006, 12:33 AM

Wow, that was really great advise. I have actually started going back to church recently. That was a good idea. But yes he is a lot like my husband. I think they both know it too. That's why they refer to each other as brother and hang out a lot.
But sorry to say; I have already told my hubby. We actually spoke about it again today before he left for work. I asked him if he was upset with me at all and he said No (with a big fat smile). He said I don't care if you have a crush on anyone just as long as you don't cheat on me. Then he said and I know and trust you enough to know you won't. I hugged him and told him he was right.

Later I'm sure me and that other guy will become great mutual friends. Like I said we have lots of the same interests and he treats us like family.
For now though I think it is best for me to stay away a while. I'm getting super busy with my babies baptismal and 1 year birthday party in June. So I have a lot on my mind anyway.
Thanks grammarian

Oh and demonspeeding. Now you know why I felt so guilty. But I think my hubby is the right one for me.:)

Grammarian-Bot · May 18, 2006, 11:28 AM

Well its great to hear that you've made some progress in your peoblem. I hope your husband shoud keep on trusting you and love you for ever just the way he do right now.
Also all the best wishes for your kid's birthday party. I hope you all folks have a great time.

s_cianci · May 18, 2006, 06:48 PM

It's always normal to find people of the opposite sex attractive, even when married. It only becomes a problem when you obsess about and/or act upon such thoughts. Just remember that you are married and your loyalty belongs to your husband and nobody else. You also need to be considerate of the friend's wife (I'm assuming that he's married as well) and respect the loyalty and commitment that he owes her and nobody else. If he's not married now, then he probably will be someday and you certainly don't want to come between him and any future relationship that's in store for him.

repraha22 · Jul 13, 2006, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by lovely mmt

Oh my god. First of all, I wasn't sure if this is the right category to post my dilema, but I'm soooo glad I found this website.
Anyway I have a major crush on my husbands friend. I can't stop thinking of him. I go to the store hoping to run into him.
I know I told myself a million times that this is bad. Real Bad. But I'm so overwhelmed with feeling for this guy, it's making me sick.
I feel like a horrible, aweful, wicked person. I love my husband to death, I would never cheat on him, ever. We have a wonderful connection and relationship. And my husband is the best thing any of you guys could ever imagine. He has me on a pedestal. He treats me like I'm his queen. He works hard so I don't have too. He cleans, he cooks, he changes pampers, and does the dishes. Even serenades me with his guitar. He's my everything.
And what do I do to repay him. I crush on his friend.
What do I do? I can't help it.
It doesn't help either that his friend is always around. He works with my husband and they both hang out all the time. We have get togethers at my house with a lot of friends and we when me and him carry a conversation we learn more and more that we have so much in common. Tons of stuff we've done and things we like and don't like. So now he brings over movies he knows I'll like. Things like that. Real friendly guy.
When I go to return them or anything else he has lent us. He answers the door without his shirt. Real casual, like if I'm family. And he is a real stud muffin. Great shape and beautiful muscles.
Oh my god, I'm so horrible.
Does anyone know what to do? What can I do?
This is aweful.
I feel like #@$!
I love my husband, how do I stop this?

Omg I cannot believe my eyes... I am going through the same thing as you and I myself cannot believe I of all people would have feelings for someone else.. your description of your husband to the T was again the same... as me... can you help me out? Shed some light? Please... I have 2 kids and don't want to do anything ill regret... thanks amy..

repraha22 · Jul 13, 2006, 03:37 PM

I am in the same situation as lovley mmt what the heck... I cannot rid myself to these feelings and want the other guy badly but know I can't and won't do it... but I panic when I see the other guy.. omg its driving me buggy

talaniman · Jul 13, 2006, 03:50 PM

Relax my wife has a few hot friends that drive me a little nuts too, but I remember my boundaries and just enjoy their company. So know you are not alone and remember you can enjoy the scenery but don't move there.:cool: ;)

repraha22 · Jul 13, 2006, 03:52 PM

Yeah but I want to... thats the problem I can't eat I can't sleep I think of him when I am intimate with my own man... omg its bugging me I just want to get it over with or some how ask my hubby to let him join in... eeek that's a far fetch eh

colbtech · Jul 13, 2006, 04:27 PM

The simple answer here is don't!

We all fantasise about different people, doesn't matter if it is a film star or brothers wife/sisters husband. We all talk and have a laugh about the various things that he/she does, the way they make you laugh or forget yourself.

Don't do anything, the world will come crashing down, you will feel like sh*t for many reasons.

This has nothing to do with religion, just don't. I have been on both sides of this particular fence, (I have been the cheater and the cheated). One is fine for a while, and then suddenly it isn't so fine. The other makes you feel like cr*p, worthless, etc.

Whatever you decide, go with it, because you will. Doesn't matter who tells you it's right or wrong, you know it isn't right so don't do it. When you have had the hurt or seen close friends hurt by spouses, you will understand...

Until then, keep your pants on! (Sorry I have quite strong views on this subject and lost more than one friend because of this exact thing)

Good Luck, it isn't easy. But who said "Life is"

nasra · Jul 15, 2006, 11:31 AM

Hi,

I agree with everyone you must avoid this person at all costs, try not to give him any eye contact, or small talk. When he comes to your home always make yourself busy but in a polite way. He will get the message then, and not be too much in your shoes. This crush you have on this guy might not be his fault but it is dangerous because this can become more serious and destroy everything you have built with your nice husband. Not many women can say that there husbands cook and clean and help with house work don't break up a lovely thing for something that is not worth it. Can you imagine if something happened with this guy do you think he would respect you afterwards he probably have no regard or respect for you. He would see you as cheap and just use you. Don't lose yourself respect. You have respect now. This sort of dilemas have happened to many of my friends who took the short straw and are in deep regret still. When you lose respect you yearn for that repect for the rest of your life its called regret you take care.

Natalia2008 · Jan 24, 2008, 05:38 PM

I know this is old , but once again, kick rocks. You are married. I hope you did not act on anything. Wow.

jazb · Feb 9, 2008, 07:40 PM

Wow ! I can't believe I'm actually replying to this. I know I'm replying to an old message, but I feel like I should. Maybe it'll make myself feel better. While I was reading your message, I think my jaw was almost to the floor cause it felt like I was reading the same thoughts that have gone through my head lately. Very eeery. I'm in the same situation too. I was told by a friend also, to stay away from this person and try to concentrate on something else, although, in the back of my head always hope I'll run into him since we live in a small community. He works with my husband, and we used to hang out with him and his wife a lot in the summer. I thought he was very cute from the first time I saw him, but that's pretty much as far as it went. Then over the past few months of hearing my husband tell me things about what his friend tells him on the way to work about his wife and how ungrateful she is about everything, I could go on forever about her, it started to really make me mad cause he does everything for her and nothigns good enough. I guess I started to feel protective over him in some way, cause I knew he didn't deserve this. Then in my head it would turn into stuff like " Well, if I was his wife, I wouldn't ... blah blah blah" , y'know ? Someone told me it's "mothering infatuation", where you feel protective over someone you know, but then it turns into an attraction. Same as you said, my husband is absolutely amazing, and I would neve want to cheat on him, and I don't think I could, but I do find myself fantasizing about his friend - especailly very intimate thoughts, and I feel very guilty about it. I had one thought on my own situation... that since right now in our life, we are going through financial problems, and we're working them out, but maybe it's my mind's way of having a "diversion", y'know? Obviously it's much more pleasant to be thnking about him than bills.
I'm just hopeing this goes away. I don't see him very often, which I guess is a good thing, although I find myself missing him sometimes and feel bad about it.
One day at a time I guess.

J