[Swimcall]

I have been married for 16 years and according to my husband those were wasted years as far as he's concerned. We constantly argue and we have both cheated on one another (although he believes and these are his words, that he cheated because something is wrong with our relationship and I cheated because that is just the kind of person I am- a liar and a cheat).He told me to move out and I told him I wouldn't, if he wanted to go than he was free to, he didn't. I told him that he should just go on with his life because that is what I was going to do and in that regard I know I lied. I haven't moved on, I keep feeling like a failure for not making this work and not wanting to make it work even though we have 3 children. I have intense feelings for my ex, always had. I got married on the rebound and I told my husband this, he thought he could 'rescue' me. My question is, now what? I don't know how to move forward, I don't want to keep standing still. Therapy didn't work for us, I got sick of him blaming me for his behaviour and blaming me for my behaviour as well. We have periods of truces, but nothing like a marriage should be.

[RickJ]

I am sorry to hear this.

Marriage counseling can work wonders if both are interested in saving the marriage. Do you think he would go - and take it serious?

Also, with you being the one showing an interest, you'd have to take the first step and commit to not cheat anymore. Could you do that?

[momincali]

Therapy won't usually help a marriage when it's a matter of character. Whether you married him on the rebound or not, whether he was trying to rescue you or not, you guys have 3 children that you brought into this nightmare. They didn't ask for parents who choose not to get along. They didn't ask for parent's who are going to cheat on each other, call each other names and then live under separate roofs. You two adults chose this. You chose to cheat, he chose to cheat. Fighting is also a choice because it takes two to fight. I know you are in a lot of pain too, and despite what your husband shows and does, so is he. No one wants a failed marriage. I am not trying to be inconsiderate of your feelings, but children are of great concern to me. Stop the fighting, stop the yelling and the name calling. Talk. He's angry now but continue trying to speak to him. Don't make excuses for your actions, accept responsibility. Even if he doesn't apologize for his actions and infidelities, you need to for yours.

If his or your cheating is a pattern, not a one time event, than you need to find a way to make it work, for the sake of your children. However, if the cheating is ongoing, then it's probably not going to work. The best thing at that point if a divorce is imminent, be civil and polite for your children, bite your tongue if you have to and whatever you do, don't move far away from each other. The children need access to both of you, they shouldn't feel abandoned or neglected at this very vulnerable time of their lives. I tend to focus on them and their needs and wants because they are the innocent ones in this fiasco. You guys are adults and can lick your wounds, but somebody needs to stand up for the kids and what is in their best interest.

[phillysteakandcheese]

It's noble to want to "make it work", but it's crazy to stay in a situation that keeps you miserable.

It sounds like both of you want out, but neither of you have the courage to actually leave. I can understand that - it's a scary prospect.

If I were in your shoes, I would open a personal bank account, move all "my" money into the account and sell off everything else I could, and then hire a lawyer. If you have to leave the house, you can go to a shelter or stay with a friend until your lawyer secures the house for you and your children to live in.

It is sad to have to accept that your marrige is over, but if you think about it - it wasn't a waste. It was 16 years of learning... :)

[milliec]

While everything might be exactly the way Phill says, I think you should still consider the following:
I'm not sure any of us can say why your husband hasn't moved out - we can only speculate; I think you should find out why you haven't - and it's very important you get the correct answer. A counsellor might help you here, as well as get through the whole separation issue, if it finally gets there, and do it with the less possible harm to your kids.
If your answer is : pride, you have to separate. You can't have the children suffer more than they already have. If you haven't left because you wish to stay there with the children, and for no other reason, you must , again, find a proper separation solution.
You're not doing anything good for them, the way things are.
If your answer is that you have feelings, for your husband, that you've denied until now, you have to see what can be done.
The way you described it, it might be that the shadow of your ex didn't enable your marriage to develop normally, and it might very well be that you've transformed this whole ex story into some mythical subject, a place where nothing deserves to be.
Before you reach any conclusion, and , maybe make another mistake, please go to a good counsellor, by yourself, for your own good.
As for the cheating problem: though I generally consider it as something "off limits" I wouldn't address it right now, because I don't think as the reason for your situation now, but as another result of the major underling problems of your marriage.
And I'm not sure at all that your major problem is lack of mutual love, address through for sure you lack mutual trust and respect.
My point is that you should find out how you two really got there.
And you can surely go by yourself, at least at the beginning.
I wish you all the best luck,
Take care,
Millie

[fredg]

HI,
Tried to agree with Philly, but got the pop-up, about spreading around more comments.
Sixteen years is a long time to be miserable! Even if it's only been the last 5 yrs, that still a "lifetime". You have already tried to save this marriage, with talking with others; therapy.
I agree with putting your money into a separate bank account, taking your name off any credit cards, maybe opening a new credit card account in your name only, and get a lawyer.
My first 7 yrs of marriage ended in Divorce, with two boys 5 and 6. That was the best thing that ever happened to them! The arguing got so loud, that they both started picking up on things, saying them themselves; not good for children growing up!
Since then, been married now for 29 yrs to a wonderful woman; her second marriage, too. We have found that compromise, caring, trust, love, and wanting the other to be happy is just some of the things that lead to a good relationship.
You can find that, with the right person. Your husband is not that person.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[valinors_sorrow]

I just posted these comments to another similar question but with your situation I would add that I require a safe, sane environment in which to do the self examination that these comments propose: "The choices we make brings to our lives exactly what is there now. So it is very important to understand what those decisions are and why we make them. It has been my observation that what I don't solve now tends to repeat itself in the next relationship so it works best to stay until 1. I know my part in the problem and 2. solve that part whether my partner does or not. I can only set me free and encourage others to do likewise. Good luck!"

[JoeCanada76]

You obvously got married for the wrong reasons. It was doomed from the start. You both cheated on each other. You are no longer married. You may as well make it legal. Get it done. 16 years is a long time to be married to somebody you do not truly love and you're the one that admit that is what you did. So you did this to yourself. Your husband is probably in a way correct is saying it was a waste. The only thing that is not a waste and who is caught in the middle is the children. Which is the very sad part to this. They are the innocent ones. I know you already know this and are looking for advice. This will make it hard for the children eighter way. You work it out or separate it is already effecting the children. What would be best for the children, how old are the children. If no one is happy it will effect the children. How about even talking to the children about the idea of mom and dad being separate, If that is the decision that is made? Ask them how they feel.

[talaniman]

The breaking up of married people is sad at best and when children are involved it can be devastating. They are the first priority and their welfare put first. A trial separation could be an option so you both can cool down and get a perspective on what should be done next. Sometimes it helps to be removed from the stress and tension and clear ones head as to what it is you both really want your life to be like. This means someone must leave, and soon. :cool:

[milliec]

I'm not allowed right now to give reputation to Talaniman, so I have to use this post to express how much I agree with his post
Millie

[aqua@home]

I strongly agree with momincali. You have to not fight in front of your children. They deserve better than that. You should decide if this is going to work or is it not. Then, run with your answer. If you are going to make it work, then move on from now, forget the past. You both have wronged each other and it's make-it or break-it time. One thing, I would never stay together for the children's sake. That is never a good idea. I don't think that's fair to them or either of you. You need to be able to move on and get out of an unhealthy relationship if that's what you decide. Your husband does too. The kids will adjust. They are resilient and will only resent you if you continue this behavior. I am giving you this advice from an adult's point of view who was a child that grew up in a loveless and unhealthy marriage. Let me tell you, you are not doing your kids any favors by fighting, cheating and staying in a relationship that isn't healthy. I wish you the best. Take care.:(