[aqua@home]

:( Has anyone heard the term revictimization or victimization? I've read a little about it and just wanted someone else's take on it, if you don't mind. Somewhere I read talked about it being a phenomenon, I don't know. Thanks.

[orange]

I've heard of victimization, but I'm not entirely sure what revictimization is. I know that victimization is the process of becoming a victim, and when I was in therapy after witnessing a fatal shooting in my family, I was told that victimization has three stages:

1. the traumatic event / something bad happening to you

2. secondary wounding

3. accepting the label of victim and considering yourself a victim

If you take the word revictimization literally, secondary wounding might be considered a form of revictimization. Examples of secondary wounding are blaming the victim for what happened (such as blaming a girl who is raped), not believing someone who has had a traumatic experience or denying or discounting it, and stigmatizing or avoiding the person because they act different now that they have been traumatized. After World War II, lots of Holocaust survivors experienced secondary wounding because when they came to North America, many of their peers simply could not believe that things were as bad as they said. You could also say that Vietnam vets experienced secondary wounding after coming home and having fought for their country, only to be called murderers and baby killers. Secondary wounding is in effect, traumatizing the person all over again and making the situation worse.

Personally, I never wanted to be a victim. That was why I went into therapy and dealt with my issues, so that I could get on with my life. Not to point fingers at anyone, but in our society there seems to be a lot of people who remain at the victim stage indefinitely. And there are many people who consider themselves victims even though nothing especially traumatic has happened to them. I guess that's where the term "victim mentality" comes from.

I'm not sure if I answered your question or not, but that's my take on it. :)

[aqua@home]

Okay... so if you were in a situation that was totally avoidable or preventable how do you not blame yourself, never mind having others blame you too? How do you stop being a victim?

[orange]

Well, if you've experienced a traumatic event, it's pretty normal to blame yourself, it's called "survivor guilt". It doesn't really matter if the situation was preventable or not, even people who are in natural disasters such as earthquakes or tornados feel guilty that they survived while others died. My biological father shot and killed his girlfriend and then turned the gun on himself, and I was present at the shooting. For about 2 years afterwards I blamed myself... in my mind the whole thing could have been preventable; I could have grabbed the gun out of my father's hand, etc... ridiculous, because had I tried that he probably would have killed me too. Then even though they both died pretty much instantly, I blamed myself for their deaths since I was in shock and did not call 911 immediately (I waited about 30 minutes). It took a long time to get over the guilt, even though I'd done absolutely nothing wrong and could not have done anything to make the situation different.

Personally, I only stopped blaming myself after I had intensive cognitive behaviour therapy. I had to tell myself over and over again that it was not my fault, and that there was nothing I could have done differently. I had to hear from others many many times too, that it wasn't my fault. If someone blames me for what happened (no one does, but if they did), that is their problem and they need to deal with it. Part of the cognitive behaviour therapy is also coming to the point where you really don't care what others think.

Also, I'm curious what you mean by "preventable". If it was some kind of accident, then yeah it may have been preventable in a perfect world, but unless you're psychic, you would have no way of knowing that the accident was going to occur, so either way it's still not your fault.

[milliec]

Dear Aqua,
As Chava has so beautifully pointed out, we might be tricked by our minds to frame issues as:"avoidable or preventable" - we can't prevent it, but, again as Chava said, we can reframe it and this will enable us to go on with our lives.
Usually professional help is needed.
I don't know what's tormenting you, but I know that in many cases, there are people around us who MANIPULATE us to assume blame for things we are only partially responsible, ar not even having anything to do with!
In other cases, our upbringing "programmed" us to assume responsibility and/or guilt, and we keep falling into this "guilt-trap"
I grew up like this, and I'm still in the process of "reprogramming" my mind - I have a wonderful therapist and a long long way...
Good luck dear,
Millie
:)

[aqua@home]

This is long, my apologies.

Chava, when I say preventable I mean...

That I got myself into a situation that I knew was wrong. I knew that something could happen, I knew I could get hurt, yet decided to chance it. That makes me in my mind responsible for my actions.

Here's the story.

I was assaulted by one of my best friends when I was 16. I have been able to keep myself busy throughout the years and now this is coming back and I am trying to work through this. When my dad found out (about two months ago) what happened he said, that was 13 years ago, and basically I should get over it. It's not that easy if I haven't ever dealt with it, is it? This guy was one of my best friends. He listened to me when I needed someone. Then my dad asked why I hadn't gone told him and well let's just say that my parents weren't around and were very busy with their own lives. They weren't emotionally or physically available. This all has made me very angry at my parents. I'm telling everyone out there, don't put your kids through a loveless marriage.

Anyway... now I feel like an idiot. I just want to work through this until I'm over it. I don't want this to be who I am. I am moving on but I don't want to push this down so it keeps coming up until I've dealt with it. This brings me to another question. When do you know you are over it?

I have been seeing a psychologist but this has brought up a lot of pain for me. All of my issues seem to revolve around so much of this. I used to be a cutter and a drinker. Now that I don't drink I find myself wanting to go back to my old ways of dealing with things. It's like What the heck, I am a mother, I am a woman, I am a wife, I have a nice home, my husband treats me like gold 80% of the time... I really don't want to go down hill. That seems to be the direction I'm headed. This is not all from that one situation. I feel as though I should say that I was abused by different people as a child. This all comes up when trying to get through one thing. Maybe my judgement was off because to be honest I came to expect men to be abusive. Maybe that's why I stayed with my husband when we were so young. I had no idea what healthy was suppose to be.

I hope this hasn't been too much information and I trust that no one will judge me. I don't even care actually. No one could be harder on me than myself.

[milliec]

[QUOTE=aqua@home]
Dear "aqua"
I hope it's o.k. if I send you this post, otherwise you would have pm chava.
You say:"... I got myself into a situation that I knew was wrong. I knew that something could happen, I knew I could get hurt, yet decided to chance it."
And later you add":This guy was one of my best friends. He listened to me when I needed someone. "
I'm not so sure you've anticipated assault, since you trusted this person so much.
That's one point.
You were 16, some people have intimate relationships at this age, but obviously it wasn't the kind of relationship you wished with your friend, at least not at that moment.
Trusting him the way you did, I can't see why you consider it your blame.
But this is something you have to deal with your therapist , and only you can set the pace. It will be solved, give it plenty of time. It won't help even if the whole world would repeat it in your ears endlessly THAT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, and THAT YOU ARE NOT AN ACCOMPLICE. Only YOUR voice counts, and it will come, in due time. You need a good counsellor, faith in yourself and in the therapist, and a LOT of patience.
The pain is part of the process. Don't run away from it.
I spent many sessions crying.
And crying. And crying. And these were my easiest times, when I could cry. The pain inside was so terrible, I felt as if something was tearing my inside in pieces.
And then there was that awful inside crying, it's impossible to explain the feeling that something inside you, weeps with tears.
And then one day I noticed it stopped. I could'nt recall just when. I suddenly realized it was over.
And I'd like to make another point, it doesn't matter how long ago it was, it has nothing to do with getting over it.
You might bear a vivid memory for as long as you live,clear and crisp as if it has just happened. And you leas the most possible normal life, in ALL aspects. Everything is perfect, all, but for that sore spot I your soul, you keep doing your best to cover with layers of "band-aid" but it wouldn't go.
And then one day, or night, like in my case, it all comes back to you, you ACTUALLY live it again.
AND IT HAS NOTHIG TO DO WITH HOW LONG AGO IT WAS!
It only has to do with an unresolved traumatic event.
And I can tell you, from my own experience, that the day comes when you are surprised to find out that the sore scar is not sore any longer.
I have a lot of admiration for you being able to get rid of your addiction - and it just shows you what a fine person you are.
I'm sorry if I spoke too much about myself, I only brought up my personal issues hoping it might help.
Excuse me for adding one more point about myself - I never forgot any of my traumas, they were not hidden, yet one of them hit me in the middle if the might, 40 years after it happened!
If you think I might help you more, I can give more details, - the only reason for being so reserved is only because I feel it might not be fair or helpful to you.
I wish you a wonderful life, and I case very much for you.
If you need more help, and think you can get it here - please DO write.
Bye now,
Millie

[aqua@home]

Millie, I tried to give you reputation, but I have to spread it around a little. I want to thank you for sharing your story with me. I does help to know it will get better. From the sounds of it, I will never forget, and that is truly what I wish I could do. Maybe after I have healed, it will be better. I am glad to know that it doesn't matter how much time has gone by, it can still be an issue. Thanks again, Millie;)

[aqua@home]

I appreciate any input anyone is willing to give. I started with Chava's name because I was responding to a question she had asked. My reply just snowballed and I couldn't stop writing, but it is intended for anyone who might have something constructive to add. Thanks.

[milliec]

Maybe after I have healed, it will be better.

Dear aqua,
It will be healed, and when it is , you will feel better.
You never forget, but it's just another memory, it doesn't hurt anymore.
BUT- it takes time.
So be patient , it will come.
I only hope I'll be able to hear from you whenever you reach this.
Good luck,
Millie