[Marie Roller]

Hello and thanks for being here.

My husband has become very secretive about our finances. He keeps all our records, including our joint checking account locked up. I have my own checking/savings account in my own name. I have direct deposit from my part time job and pension to this account. He denies me access to my account information. Recently, when renewing a credit card I found that he had not been paying, and I had $5,000 on that card.

We are both retired science professionals, the house is paid off, but there is still a $140,000 home equity loan outstanding. Last month I cashed in all my insurance so we could pay off this loan. Stupidly (yes, I know) I signed the refunds over to him with the understanding that he would pay off this loan.

Two weeks ago I set up online banking for my checking account, my credit cards and our joint account. Not only did he not pay off the home equity loan, he gave $70,000 to a business venture that he’s been working on.

I should add that I am the only one bringing in salary at this time. We both get sufficient pension and have some stocks. I have a TIAA-CREF in my name.

My questions are several: How can I protect myself from his spending? Can I force him legally to share information with me? I don’t want to divorce him, but I do want him to come clean and stay clean.

We live in Maryland. He is retired military and I am retired federal.

Thanks for your help.
MR

[N0help4u]

Sounds to me like you need to go and open a new acct that he doesn't have access to and put all your money and the money for bills and so forth in it and deny him access. You have to do what you have to to protect yourself.

[stinawords]

You are going to have to do the same to him as he has been doing to you (but not secretly). Get your own accunts don't let him have access AT ALL you pay the bills, you make sure the bills are paid on time and you keep track of your records. Make sure that only your name is on all of your bank accounts and you might want to cancel the credit cards at least until you get everything straightened out.

[excon]

Can I force him legally to share information with me? I don't want to divorce him, but I do want him to come clean and stay clean.

Hello MR:

No, you can't force him... But, you can give it a shot...

Your problem ISN'T legal - it's personal... That's not going to stop me from giving you my opinion, though.

I'm an either/or kind of guy. The only colors I see are black and white. You either HAVE open and honest communication with your spouse, or you don't. If you don't, you're bound for unhappiness no matter WHAT the problem happens to be.

So, instead of doing the things suggested so far, I would sit him down, and tell him what you think, how it makes you feel, what the solution is, and what you're going to DO about it if a solution ISN'T reached.

In my view, what you're going to DO about it, is leave him, if he doesn't straighten up.

excon

[lwelch]

If your joint checking account has your name on it, you can contact the institution and get all of the information on the account. The same goes for any other account that has your name on it.

I highly recommend separating you finances completely if he is spending your money in a way that you do not agree with.

Schedule an appointment with a good financial planner or CPA that can help establish financial indepence.

[Fr_Chuck]

Most banks have all account info online, you can get your joint checking account info there most likely

Also run a credit check on you ( and him) on a regular basis to see the status of things.

But basically close any joint account would be best and not put any of your money into any account he has ability to use.

But on the other hand part of me merely says, open up where he has it locked, hammer and screw drivers work nice if you have to, and demand ( not ask) that he never does that again.

[Marie Roller]

Hi everybody: Thanks for your advice. I already have a private account, where my pension check and my part-time pay go. He doesn't have access to this in terms of spending, but he does keep all the records and he knows what I spend (which is not much!). I'm planning to get a PO box and redirect this account and my credit cards (2) to the PO box. That way he'll be in the dark.

I have online access to our joint checking account, that's how I found out that the $140,000 (GASP! ) from my life insurance I gave him to pay off the home equity loan was spent on his business venture.

My income absolutely cannot pay for these bills. Neither can his, that's why I'm so worried.

I refused to sign our income tax forms until he went over the budget with me. He put it "all" in writing, I didn't see the actual accounts. Now I know he left out a bunch of stuff!

I'm feeling frightened and vulnerable. I can't leave him because I have chronic health conditions and need his insurance. I don't want to leave my home, dogs, garden, piano and the life I've built here.

I'm planning to confront him, but haven't decided whether to give him my "vulnerable" face or my "angry" face. He'll be upset that I accessed "HIS" accounts, but they're actually "our" accounts.

Thanks, you guys are great!

MR

[asking]

Hi everybody: Thanks for your advice. I already have a private account, where my pension check and my part-time pay go. He doesn't have access to this in terms of spending, but he does keep all the records and he knows what I spend (which is not much!).

I'm feeling frightened and vulnerable. I can't leave him because I have chronic health

I agree with nearly all the advice given here, but I want to know why you are letting him keep all the records for your own account(s)? Why don't you keep them yourself? Just tell him you'll open your own mail from now on. End of discussion.

Also, if you are the one with the chronic health problem, why are you the only one working?

Sorry if I'm going beyond your question, but I think there's a lot here that sounds objectionable. This man is not only stealing, concealing, and lying, he's also controlling your entire financial life. That's called financial abuse. Is there some reason you've let this go on? Does he get angry if you demand to see your own records? Why should you put on a "vulnerable" face in response to this? No need to be angry. Just say it's unacceptable and mean it. You must have SOME leverage in this relationship or he wouldn't be with you. Use it. He's walking all over you.

[liz28]

Have your husband been like this throughout your whole marriage? He don't seem very wise to spend money that your need when the both of you are on a limit income. Before confronting him, I would go the bank the first thing in the morning and get all of the accounts records then confront him about the information you have. I forgot you stated you can go online and get the information as well. Your husband got a lot of nerves and have a lot of explainint to do. Whatever you do, don't back down.

[Marie Roller]

Hi everyone, thanks for all your help.

I did confront him about the spending. He told me a partial truth: He needed some money for his business and he was afraid I'd object if he asked me. I can understand that. But he still hasn't accounted for the rest of the money that I gave him.

The drawer is still locked, but he *claims* he will go over it with me *soon* He's had an injury and is taking some pain meds now, so argument cannot occur.

I AM making progress, but it's slow!

Thanks again.

MR

[stinawords]

Thanks for coming back to let us know how things are going. I hope you can resolve the situation soon.