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freedomseeker · Aug 30, 2008, 10:11 PM

Long story.. I will make it short for you.

4 weeks ago I told my husband we were getting a divorce due to (domestic violence) verbal,psychological ( I am going to put a bullet in your head type of threats) we tried counseling and nothing seemed to work so I got tired of it. We lived in an basement apt of his parents house.. we discussed doing this as civil as possible for the baby's sake (4 years old) the next day things started to get bad, he would not talk to me, he only only talk to me to insult me and call me names ( all threats were in front of the 4 year old) he tells me " we are getting an attorney this week and we are kicking you out on your and the baby stays) he attempted to hit me so I told him I would call the cops if he did...

He moved out of the basement apt of his parents house, the next day his mom takes all my debit cards, credit cards, bills and everything financial.. she and him goes to the bank and close all bank accounts so I could not have access to it, meanwhile I am a stay at home mom with no money.. then his mom who has control of the finances says she won't pay for car insurance, I told her if it is not paid that day I won't be able to use our car to go look for a job or a place to live, she tells me it is not their problem and they will be selling our car. So to make it short,

I am left with no money, no phone,no car and nobody talks to me in that house so I am living in hell.. I am thinking OK, I am pretty stuck and pretty desperate at this point.. then my mother in law writes up a letter asking me to sign it giving them (grandparents) full custody of my baby and that I will get visitations, I tell her I got to get an attorney to look at that.. she tells me I got until the end of the day to make up my decision.. when they left I packed up whatever I could put on it on a bag and left for a shelter with baby.. my family who lives in Florida and I was living in Utah get me a ticket and fly me to Florida.

Right now I am Florida.. before all this happened no divorce has been filed... now my husband knows at all time were we were.. so he calls the baby, when I ask questions like what happened to my stuff or did you file for divorce or any simple question.. he won't answer me and hangs up... all the time we have been here he has paid nothing for the child not even offered.. but I am afraid of what they are planning that could harm me.. this people are obsessed and not even making a beep when told I will be staying here with the baby scares me.. I asked him did you file for divorce? He would tell me " I wont discuss that with you" and hangs up.. his family has been calling and harassing all my friends and even stores I bought books from! I told my dad if anything happens to me get the cops to look at them first. They told me because I move from Utah to Florida with the baby I am going to be charged with kidnapping and all sorts of criminal charges. Any ideas?

Alty · Aug 30, 2008, 10:45 PM

Wow, that's all I can say.

I wish I had some legal advice for you, but sadly I don't. We have many wonderful people on this site who are lawyers and or know about the law, so keep checking back, it's always slow on the weekends.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this, I hope it all works out.

Good luck.

starbuck8 · Aug 31, 2008, 12:29 AM

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. YOu need to protect yourself and your child first, from this abusive man. I suggest that you look up the numbers for the domestic violence unit, victims assistance, and legal aid, in your area in Florida. They can give you the correct steps to take, and to my knowledge, victims assistance will not initially require you to give your name. If I am wrong about this, I'm sure someone will correct me, since I live in Canada, and the laws could be a little different. Tell them of the urgency of your situation, and why you needed to flee.

DO NOT sign anything, without a lawyers help. Write down all of the dates, times, of everything you remember happening, and this apparent strong hold, threats, or even blackmail, that your husband and his parents have threatened you with. Try and contact your bank, and credit card companies, etc. and try and get duplicate records, so you have all of your ducks in a row.

Save any emails, text messages, voicemails etc. and maybe try and have one of your parents on the other line when he calls. You may even want to buy a portable tape recorder, and tape the conversations, although I believe you will have to inform him that he is being recorded. If you have your child in daycare, make sure that your child is not to be taken by anyone but you, without written consent.

Gather all of the information you can, and as I said, make sure to make a note of every time he calls.

Good luck to you!

Fr_Chuck · Aug 31, 2008, 06:32 AM

1. Stop talking or calling this man no contact what so ever, don't worry about what he things, and don't listen to a word he says,

2. you can not be changed with kidnapping your own child. Move away, if you have family in the other state go there, get away, move to a women's shelter what ever it takes.

3. file for divorce and custody, the women's shelter or legal aid should be able to help

4. your ex and family will lie, cheat and tell you scarey things to try and force you to do what they want. stop taking to your ex completely no call at all, forget any "stuff" it is most likely gone or you will never see it, who cares you are safe. Maybe at divorce court you can get some stuff, but worry about you and your child first.

N0help4u · Aug 31, 2008, 02:29 PM

Do as Fr_Chuck said DO NOT allow him to see the child cause he could try and take your kid.

Is the car in your name or his?
Do you have your own place or where are you staying?

File for sole custody and keep him away.
They can not get you for kidnapping the child you gave birth to when there was no court order saying otherwise.

Right now you need to be concerned only about protecting and providing for your kid,
Not him, his family, the problems they are causing or your things.

Romefalls19 · Sep 2, 2008, 11:46 AM

Sorry to hear about your position. A lawyer told my girlfriend, who was in a very similar situation as she was living with her ex's parents. If the living environment is horrible and they threaten to kick you out than yes you can legally go back to your home state without any legal problems as it was you were providing a stable living environment.

I also urge you to keep any texts from your ex or ex's family as they can be used in the custody hearing. While in Florida I urge you to find some type of stable work

ScottGem · Sep 2, 2008, 12:04 PM

Along with the previous advice, make sure you document everything. Get a recorder and record any phone converstions with him or his family. But most importantly GET AN ATTORNEY and file for divorce yourself. Do not wait for him to do so. You need to get back the upper hand here. File in Fl. Let him deal with that.

Once you get an attorney, any attempts at contact should be referred to your attorney.

freedomseeker · Sep 2, 2008, 06:25 PM

Thanks for all your advices, I am keeping a journal the problem with an attorney is that I am stuck in legal aid battle.. I am new in Florida less than a month so I can't file for the divorce here I have to be a resident for 6 months, then legal aid in Utah won't help because I have to be there.. so I am kind of stuck. I got the babe in school and I also have an interview for a job which I will be able to do from home while the baby is at school so I will be with her all her time w/out having to put her on a daycare, something I would not have been able to do in Utah... I am just want to talk to an attorney to find out what kind my husband to get back there so I will be prepared because I know he is trying something but legal aid is kind of playing back and forth and I am not sure what else to do, I can't pay for an attorney outright.

freedomseeker · Sep 2, 2008, 06:26 PM

Sorry I missed some words on my earlier reply... I wanted to talk to an attorney to find out what kind of things or laws my husband could use to get me back there, so I will be ready to battle.. not knowing is what is keeping me up at night.

ScottGem · Sep 2, 2008, 06:41 PM

Hmm that's a problem. You really need someone to represent you in Utah.

starbuck8 · Sep 2, 2008, 07:06 PM

Hang tight, I think because you didn't post your question under the "law" forum, it may have been missed. I'll bring this to the attention of one of the people that may help you out a little more, if I can.

freedomseeker · Sep 2, 2008, 09:06 PM

Thank you for your help, would it be easier for you if I post the same questions at the law section?

Alty · Sep 2, 2008, 09:09 PM

A few of the moderators have already been here, if they thought your question should be moved, they would have moved it, so no worries. :)

freedomseeker · Sep 2, 2008, 09:57 PM

OK, thank you :)

JudyKayTee · Sep 3, 2008, 06:45 AM

Originally Posted by freedomseeker

Long story..I will make it short for you.

4 weeks ago I told my husband we were getting a divorce due to (domestic violence) verbal,psychological ( I am going to put a bullet in your head type of threats) we tried counseling and nothing seemed to work so I got tired of it. We lived in an basement apt of his parents house..we discussed doing this as civil as possible for the baby's sake (4 years old) the next day things started to get bad, he would not talk to me, he only only talk to me to insult me and call me names ( all threats were in front of the 4 year old) he tells me " we are getting an attorney this week and we are kicking you out on your and the baby stays) he attemped to hit me so I told him I would call the cops if he did...

he moved out of the basement apt of his parents house, the next day his mom takes all my debit cards, credit cards, bills and everything financial..she and him goes to the bank and close all bank accounts so I could not have access to it, meanwhile I am a stay at home mom with no money..then his mom who has control of the finances says she wont pay for car insurance, I told her if it is not paid that day I wont be able to use our car to go look for a job or a place to live, she tells me it is not their problem and they will be selling our car. So to make it short,

I am left with no money, no phone,no car and nobody talks to me in that house so I am living in hell..I am thinking ok, i am pretty stuck and pretty desperate at this point..then my mother in law writes up a letter asking me to sign it giving them (grandparents) full custody of my baby and that I will get visitations, I tell her I gotta get an attorney to look at that..she tells me I got until the end of the day to make up my decision..when they left i packed up whatever I could put on it on a bag and left for a shelter with baby..my family who lives in florida and I was living in utah get me a ticket and fly me to florida.

Right now I am florida..before all this happened no divorce has been filed...now my husband knows at all time were we were..so he calls the baby, when I ask questions like what happened to my stuff or did you file for divorce or any simple question..he won't answer me and hangs up...all the time we have been here he has paid nothing for the child not even offered..but I am afraid of what they are planning that could harm me..this people are obssessed and not even making a beep when told I will be staying here with the baby scares me..I asked him did you file for divorce? he would tell me " I wont discuss that with you" and hangs up..his family has been calling and harrassing all my friends and even stores I bought books from! I told my dad if anything happens to me get the cops to look at them first. They told me because I move from utah to florida with the baby I am going to be charged with kidnapping and all sorts of criminal charges. any ideas?

Ok - addressing your immediate concern first. Without a Court Order that says otherwise you have EQUAL custody of your child and the parent who actually HAS the child controls the situation. And that's you. If you read through old posts - and I'm sure you don't have the time or the heart to do it right now - this happens all the time, usually from the other side. The person asking the question is the person whose partner has split with the child.

Second - you are under no obligation to have your child talk to his father. That's your choice. I'd put it on speaker phone and I'd stand by to see what he's saying to the child. Another witness would be good. Some day you may need that info.

You basically can't stop him from calling people, going door to door if he so chooses. It's been my experience that people will get real sick of listening to him real fast. And your answer is that you moved with the clothes on your back and what you could carry WITH YOUR CHILD to a shelter and you didn't do it for fun. I'd give no more - and no less - information.

People who don't know you will judge. People who do know you will think he's crazy. The people in between won't care or will think, "Yes, something must have happened. She moved to a shelter." And none of it matters in the long run, anyway.

IF you talk to the father, do so on a speaker phone and make every attempt to have someone witness the conversation. I advise AGAINST using tape recorders because you are dealing State to State here and don't want to break any laws.

The most important thing you can do for you and your child is go to Family Court - or the equivalent - where you are NOW, speak to someone in intake. You explain this as clearly as concisely as (and I am absolutely sincere about this) ANYONE I've seen post on this board. If you have to, take a print out of what you've posted. Attempt to file a petition for custody/support. Explain the violence, the threats, the strange behavior AND YOUR FEAR THAT THE FATHER OR HIS FAMILY WILL TAKE YOUR CHILD AND/OR HURT YOU.

I also suggest that you - again, calmly and rationally - go to the Police. They undoubtedly will do nothing but they'll have a record that you were there. They MAY - if you get someone understanding and concerned - help you, advise you what your next step should be, give you a business card, a living person to call if there's a problem.

You MUST get some protection for your child and yourself now. That's your first step. Get an Order in place WHERE YOU ARE NOW and then worry about divorce/separation later. I would consult with an Attorney (if you can afford it and if you can't, I'd look around for help with legal bills - I'm not familiar with what is available in Florida) - an Attorney can get things moving very quickly. There might be some benefit to you filing for divorce. I am not certain if you meet Florida residency requirements BUT there are "usually" motions that can be made in situations such as this, situations where you have fled for your safety. Yes, being served will really tick him off but it sounds like he's 90% of the way there anyway.

It's time for him (and his family) to stop pushing you. You are safe now. Push back.

And please keep checking back in.

If you have any questions, if I've not addressed something, come back and ask - and hang in there. You did the right thing. You are safe, you child is safe, you have family. You just have to jump through some hoops to get the other side.

ScottGem · Sep 3, 2008, 06:53 AM

In addition, to Judy's excellent advice contact some battered/abused woman's support groups where you are now. They can also advise, maybe provide legal representation. They can provide a place to receive the calls with witnesses.

Contact the shelter you first went to. Get an affadavits that you went there. They may also be able to recommend a support group where you are now.

JudyKayTee · Sep 3, 2008, 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

In addition, to Judy's excellent advice contact some battered/abused woman's support groups where you are now. They can also advise, maybe provide legal representation. They can provide a place to receive the calls with witnesses.

Contact the shelter you first went to. Get an affadavits that you went there. They may also be able to recommend a support group where you are now.

Absolutely - Scott brings up good points here. Document EVERYTHING you can - EVERYTHING, no matter how trivial it appears to be.

ScottGem · Sep 3, 2008, 06:57 AM

And keep us posted with what's happening. You've got your own little support group here as well.

starbuck8 · Sep 3, 2008, 08:06 AM

Darnit Judy! I had to spread the rep, but thanks for responding so quickly, and giving such good advice, as well as what Scott has added. I agree that the police are often not much help Judy, as you know from my situation, but if you at least call and make a report, and document everything you can, you have a leg to stand on when you get to court.

The most important thing of course, is to protect the child and herself at this point.

As the others have said, please keep us updated FreedomSeeker, and I hope this works out well for you, and you can finally have some peace of mind.

JudyKayTee · Sep 3, 2008, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Along with the previous advice, make sure you document everything. Get a recorder and record any phone converstions with him or his family. But most importantly GET AN ATTORNEY and file for divorce yourself. Do not wait for him to do so. You need to get back the upper hand here. File in Fl. Let him deal with that.

Once you get an attorney, any attempts at contact should be referred to your attorney.

You know I love you, Scott, but the recording idea is not good when it's State to State - it can easily backfire. I have no problem with witnesses but I do not advise tape recording.

Florida - which is where she is - requires that BOTH PARTIES be aware or else it can be a felony.

But having a person standing there to hear the conversation is no problem.