[Ash123]

Were you thinner when you met?

[shatteredsoul]

I don't think all men are shallow.. but YOURS is! The most disturbing part of this is that you automatically think you should change yourself to make him want you. MY opinion is SCREW HIM! He is a jerk, he has wasted your time and used your energy while chipping away at your confidence and self esteem. I am shocked that you assume this is about the way you look.. YOU know you aren't fat and so do we. HE either has very unrealistic standards or looks at porn too much and thinks women should all look like crack addicts. I think you should kick him to the curb faster than you can say BOO and haul A$$. He isn't worth another minute of your precious life.
YOU must find it within yourself to determine what you think you are. If you see yourself as beautiful and worthy, so will anyone else who loves you. I don't think sexual attraction could be gone that long, without ruining your own image in some way. HOW have you gone on this long without it?
YOU can change the way you allow someone to treat you and you can change the way you respond but you will NEVER change to be skinny enough for this guy. IT is like trying to be the perfect girl. You try and do everything to be what you think a guy wants and then after trying to be superwoman you realize, this doesn't keep my man happy.

BECAUSE you don't make someone else happy by changing for them, YOU lose yourself and become depressed and empty. YOU must be YOU.. plain and simple. HE must TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT and in my mind, I wouldn't even offer leaving it. I am the same weight and height as you and I am not a supermodel by any means but I know I am not a fat person and I am happy with who I am. The fact that I am OK with my body, makes me more attractive. The fact that I don't give a rat's a$$ what size my husband "thinks" I should be, makes me more desirable. MEN don't create those stigmas, women buying into them by changing every part of their body are responsible for that perspective.

BE who you are and find someone who thinks that is just perfect.. Otherwise you are going to lose what confidence you have left and you are wasting more time on someone who doesn't even appreciate or deserve you.
MOVE on and the real you will be loved and admired by someone who accepts that.

Stop torturing yourself in this relationship, sometimes you just got to let go and let someone else have him..

[linnealand]

metamorph, I really identified with so much of your first post.

I've been in my current relationship for well over 5 years. I've known my boyfriend for 7 years, and we've been living together for 5. our physical relationship was insanely passionate in the beginning, but a few months into living together, the frequency of it just plummeted. My sex drive is probably much higher than most peoples, and I would be happy to go at it a few times everyday. However, my boyfriend isn't really interested in sex anymore. He says he is, but if he really were we'd be doing it! There have been all kinds of excuses over the years. He's tired, he's stressed out, he has to get up early, he has a headache... you name it. I have wracked my brain on every single possibility out there. I've gone from wondering if something awful happened to him when he was younger to wondering if he might be gay. I have suggested all kinds of counseling, and he won't go. He won't come up with an answer that satisfies me regarding the lack of sex in our relationship.

When something like this goes on for so long, you start to wonder if you're the problem. I know that I have tried every reasonable thing I could think of to try to bring sex back to the relationship. I have tried going on sexual strike. I have told him that I can't stay in a sexless relationship. I have told him that I will have to leave him if things don't change. He swears things will change, but they don't. I tried subtle approaches, more aggressive approaches, ignoring the issue... none of it has worked. I know that I'm hot. And weight can't be the issue; I'm 5'3'' and 112 pounds. Your weight is perfectly normal, perfectly healthy, and perfectly attractive. It's just another excuse.

Let me tell you this: if you want to have a physical relationship with your boyfriend and he's pulling away, then he's creating the problem. I have the feeling that when he told you it was your fault because of your weight, he was trying to push the problem onto you to get you off his back in any way he could. In any case, it was really mean.

How can this part of a relationship be so bad when the rest of it is so good? In my relationship, we kiss, we cuddle, we grab playfully... just barely any sex. We get along incredibly well, we love each other, we like each other, we are happy and comfortable together, we started and run a company together, we have a beautiful life, and we have an incredible dog. We SHOULD be getting married, but the lack of sex makes it impossible for me to commit like that. It's not as easy a decision as it might appear.

As far as I'm concerned, there are only three options left. (1) physically force him into counseling and hope that fixes the problem, (2) just accept it, or (3) leave him and start life over again.

I'm sorry that you're stuck in this pickle, but I'm glad you posted. I know that I would definitely appreciate more advice on this topic.

[flickka]

well...from what you said, i gather he's viewed you this way from day one...quote:" i am too fat; i don't turn him on; not hot; never have been; my body doesn't make him want me". SO....I'm gonna say he's using you for other things. you say you moved in together, who'se paying the majority of the bills? Point blank: he's not attracted to you. I would end the relationship. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone they're not attracted to....besides your bf??

[h0llister]

I am 19, 5'6"; I weigh 130 pounds. We are pretty much the same size. And I wear size 26 jeans. The doctor says it is perfect weight , I also don't go to the gym or anything. I can't believe he said that, maybe he lied and it is something else. Because I know I'm skinny so you must be as well, unless if he's wants that skeleton runway model look, which I don't think many guys like anyway.

[april k]

Hi everyone :) thanks for all the answers;
to address some of the things:
i cannot talk to his exes because he has explicitly forbidden it; it would be a betrayal of trust (and, honestly, i don't know that i'd want him talking to mine either about our sex lives). this aside, judging from pictures, comments etc, i can tell that he slept with them at least at a normal (or maybe low) frequency. but when you compare this to what he does to me which is, turn away, reject, refuse, be tired, etc. if i walk around naked, he looks the other way. if i lie naked in bed next to him, he makes sure not to touch me; it feels like to him i may as well be layered with blubber, covered in warts and foul pussing blisters and a leper :) (it's sad but funny :)) i don't have some numerical requirement; having sex once a week would be plenty for me; dont' need to pig out on it; it's the fact that it's tending towards never that's worrying me :)


he claims his standards are a little more stringent than most; so i guess i got unlucky; i am not going to be anorexic, that doesn't work in the long run anyway;

i agree with you all that it's a little odd; other people stare at me pretty frequently; i'm pretty athletic; etc; but until i lose weight, it will be impossible to tell if he's telling the truth or making an excuse; it's possible that he doesn't know either; i know this guy prett y well though, and i can tell when he's honest; for 4 years i didn't think he was honest about not knowing why we weren't sleeping together, but i just couldn't get him to tell me; now, he seems honest about it; he sais that he decided he liked me enough and that sex wasn't important enough to boycott me;

so he's not super horny; i dont' think he masturbates much; he told me he looked at porn a month ago when i was away, which was reassuring because it suggests he's not completely asexual.

anyway, i know i'm not fat; but i'm not skinny either; or super fit; i think this guy wants a swimsuit model; and, unfortunately, he's a good companion, a good cook, and a good friend and etcetera; we have quite a fun time together; being human there are problems, but i've never met any better ones and i've been looking (though i'm only 23 and so my experience is by definition limited)

there is no blame and no self esteem or putting down involved; my self esteem is somewhere far out of his reach. if anything, i blame him for being rather shallow; but i think i shouldnt' do that;

guys sometimes urge women to think about fatness as we think about height; when was the last time you were attracted to a really short man? i have to say, unfortunately, that guys who are shorter than me just don't seem masculine. just like i don't seem feminine to my boyfriend. :) but what's wrong with

For god's sake. Tell the guy to get out!! End it! You can pick up the pieces afterwards.

April K

[slapshot_oi]

Some of the answers to this question came from left field and the others are just retarded. Everyone's reading into this way too much, I can't believe no one has suggested this yet... He's gay!

I'm not joking, your boyfriend is a total flame. Men can be shallow, this is true, but you mean to tell me that the reason a four year relationship where having sex is less likely than seeing Haley's Comet twice in a lifetime is all because you're too fat?. And you believe that?. At 132lbs.? If attraction really was the problem, then you two would have never had made it beyond two months.

You should leave him, but before that, confront him about being gay, it'll be hard but you have to do it, otherwise he'll never face his true identity and will always be miserable. Ask him if he's gay and if he gets defensive or flies into a rage (and I'll bet you anything he will), then you'll know for certain that he is. He's using you as a cover-up because he's not ready to come out of the closet yet. I can tell from your post--specifically, how you defend shallow men, I'm a man and men who are shallow aren't men, they're boys, I have no respect for them at all--your the kind of woman that will believe anything anyone tells you (I'm sorry, I really am), you're a perfect candidate for a closet-case because you'll never question him. Yeah, it sucks to hear your boyfriend has been using you since day one of your four year relationship, but you can't really blame him, he's scared. But you have to step it up and confront him, you'll be doing him a disservice if you don't, he has to realize he's gay.

i cannot talk to his exes because he has explicitly forbidden it; it would be a betrayal of trust...he told me he looked at porn a month ago when i was away

You can't talk to his exes because one or all of them knew he was gay and he looked at porn when you were away because it's gay porn. Come on, like really, it's so friggin' obvious.

I nailed this one. He's gay.

[neverme]

THIS GUY IS AN MANIPULATIVE .....RUN!!!!... run far and fast..

[missteetee]

If he truly cares about you then your weight should not matter! Thank God he isn't you husband. Find another man that will appreciate you. Your weight is fine and don't let this bone head make you feel insecure.

[lostgal]

My ex wanted a "trophy" wife. I was OK for a while, then I got pregnant and then had to have a couple of surgeries after that (sport related). Anyway I couldn't get the body I used to have then when we met. Yes I had men look at me, but not mine. We went 10 months with sex once -- he even called me a fat a** once. He wouldn't even hold me at night. Myself esteem is still bad (8 years later) and I don't feel good about myself. I have remarried since and my husband is wonderful. He knows about my issues with self esteem and helps me. -- my answer to you -- get out now, it will not get better, I know.

[linnealand]

Try telling him that you're not attracted to him because he's too stupid.

Or too mean.
Or too ugly.
Or because you saw him pick his nose.
Or because it looks like he's losing his hair.
Or because his penis is weird.
Or because he called you fat at 132 pounds.

How do you think he would like that? And what would it take for you to be able to say something so hurtful? I bet you wouldn't even consider saying any of those things. Normal people just don't.

So what kind of a person is he to be able to say something so absurd and insensitive like that to you? It makes me sad. :(

[slapshot_oi]

Basing off the usernames and answers that go with them, it sounds like most of the replies are from women. Although your suggestions are thoughtful, you're all wrong. He called her fat, but clearly, she's not. I'm a man, and there's no way a guy would think 23 year-old, 5'-5", 132lbs. Woman is fat, unless of course he's gay because gay men cannot tell which women are attractive.

Her weight not even the issue, that was his bull*hit excuse because he knew that a woman is ultra-sensitive about her weight, and it shows because all the women on here seem deeply offended by what this guy said. So much so that you're all ignoring signs that point to his own confusion and in turn, you're all saying the usual female cop-out, "he's a jerk; all men are pigs". Open your eyes, ladies.

He's not an a-hole, he is gay and he is scared. I'm so damn sure because I knew a kid who was in a long, sexless relationship with a bangin' girlfriend. None of us could figure out why he wasn't humpin' her ever second he could get, until one day he came out of the closest. It all made sense after that.

I do agree with everyone that he's manipulative and you should leave him, but confront him about being gay. And if you won't confront him, look on the computer for gay porn, I bet anything that you'll find it.

EDIT
Forget it, no one's even reading my posts.

[Advicegirly123]

You are deffinatly not fat don't liseten to him if he says your fat he's not right for you because that's a horribal insult and no girl should be put through that.

[dfrancon]

Hmmm... how can you be sure he was being honest? Perhaps he was trying to shift the blame to you because he's insecure about either a low libido, sexual anxiety, same sex tendencies or cheating?
I have to beg my boyfriend for sex and I'm 5"9 and 112 lbs... my boyfriend is always saying I'm too thin. I think complaining about weight might be diversionary. It's not like I've lost weight in the relationship-- if you don't like tall and thin why did you start dating me two and half years ago? Why'd your boyfriend take 4 years before telling you this? Has he been subtley suggesting the gym? It's cruel to do that to someone.
Even if it is the weight thing, it's cruel to let you go through 4 years of wondering before telling you-- especially because losing weight is a fixable issue. I would really REALLY make sure that's the truth... it seems fishy to me.

[lorest17]

YOu'r not fat k.and don't go all anorexic for this dumb guy even if you love him.(k I confess to be under the age of 20 and I didn't read all that you said... sorry cause I'm probably missing the moral of the story)
You are not over weight.k I know someone who is 170 pounds and she sleeps with a 150 pounder so either there's something wrong with you(no offence)or he is the biggest jerk ever

[Ferghus]

Four years ago I entered a relationship that was and still is amazing, except for one thing: we almost never have sex. We moved in together weeks after we met (it made sense at the time :o ) and it took seven months until we had sex for the first time. we slept in the same bed every night before that. He didn't even realize we hadn't ever done it yet. At our age and level of liberal-ness, this seemed exceedingly abnormal to me.

I thought that we would have sex normally, now that it had happened once; boy, was i wrong; I am lucky if it happens once a month; right now, it's been about two months;
Every six or seven months, i blow up about this subject. I ask him why, he says he doesn't know why. I ask everyone else, they can't think of a reason;

I went through the logical steps:
low libido? well...he slept with his ex girlfriends a lot; he's 24; and, whenever we do sleep together, he doesn't seem to have any problems; he claimed he was sexually healthy; i figured a lot of men with low libido wish they wanted to have more sex, and try to do something about it; he didn't want it; he didn't want to want it; he didn't want to want to want it.

to cut a long story short, a few weeks ago, after four years of asking and begging and feeling neglected, confused etc., he finally (after skillful interrogation) told me the reason: i am too fat; i don't turn him on; not hot; never have been; my body doesn't make him want me;

now the weird part is, i am 23, 5'5"; i weigh 132 pounds; i have 20% body fat as measured by some study i was a subject in; but i am not thin enough for this man to want me;

i think you may feel revolted; i read a lot of posts about this; i'm starting to think that we can call men "shallow" , weak, stupid etc. for this kind of superficiality, and say things like, "you should love what's inside and not outside"; but in saying those things, we are being unfair; there are men out there who seem honestly concerned; they can't help it; they look at us, and we just don't do it for them; you may not be "too overweight" according to some chart, but you may be missing out on some hot monkey lovin' because your male is wired to want somethin' else; it is estimated that 30% of american couples have a sexless marriage; now, i know that resembles the 30% of americans are overweight.

what should we do? is this a widespread problem? can we blame men for their subconscious reactions? should we try to please them? do you have a friend whose husband is inexplicably asexual? did she gain weight? did you? have you seen a difference? do women and men have different standards for what is acceptably skinny? are women willing to sacrifice some "looks" in exchange for chocolate satisfaction, but are men unwilling to make the same sacrifice because they have nothing to gain from us enjoying our chocolate? are men wired to like skinny women because, evolutionarily, that would have denoted youth and health?

Saying you're too fat sounds like a crummy excuse. I bet he's getting it somewhere else. Or has ED, and is trying to blame it on you to deflect blame from himself.

But, there's always the chance that you are too fat... for HIM. So dump him. There are tons of guys out there who will think you're hot stuff. There are tons of guys who actually prefer a woman with curves, IE... rotund. Even BBW's have their admirers.