[Queen_864]

Leave The Past With The Past I'm Sure It's The Farthest Thing From Her Mind...

So Why Is It Still On Yours?

[JBeaucaire]

Blind honesty amounts to cruelty in many situations. To simply say "Honesty is the best policy" ignores the fact that we live in an emotional universe. It's how we were created.

I'm all for honesty, too. Honesty with a purpose to benefit. Telling her now serves no meaningful purpose at all. In fact, it undermines most of what you have accomplished with her in the past few years.

You should put this fact out of your mind. You should not tell her, nor should you debate it at length in your heart. Telling her now is paramount to cruelty, since there is no impending reason for you to HAVE to do it.

Let it go. Right now it's a complete non-issue in your relationship. The moment you speak of it, you can't take it back, and it will be THE issue of your ex-relationship.

OLIN MILLER QUOTE: "A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings."
(this is a harsh truth to absorb, but think about it. "Sometimes" it's the only advice that applies.)

[Chery]

We all have done things in our lives that we somehow feel we could have done better or not at all - but we also know that within an 11 year period, all people change. You have grown and seen the errors of your ways. She has grown and has left him for something better in her life. Do you know the reasons she left him? He probably slept around with others as well and just was not the right one for her, so why bring up a wound that has healed and she is happy now.

I would weigh the value of the outcome if you kept this to yourself and enjoyed being her friend and seeing her happy.

If you really want to get this off your chest, why not try a diary and talk your heart out. You are not the only one in the world that has made a mistake and you just should start learning to forgive yourself and pat yourself on the back for growing up and leaving your wildness behind, just like everyone else.

If most of us had the urge to ask everyone we did something wrong to for forgiveness, we would spend all of our time searching for hundreds of individuals who have gone on with their lives - and leaving their past just where it belongs - in the past.

Accept yourself as the person you are now and don't intentionally go out hurting anyone else in the future. After all, it did take two people to make a mistake then, so don't place all the blame on yourself.

Go on with your life, friendship, and do the best you can with all your heart from now on - that, I think, would be more rewarding for you and your friend.

It's your choice dear, and you are only human. If it had happened within the last year I would probably think differently, but after a decade - forget it and go on.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

The truth can hurt, but deception more so. An ugly truth is better than a pretty lie.

As to a letter being wuzzy, it depends. If you mailed it to her & immediately disappeared that would be cowardly.

It was a long time ago & you are not telling her to gloat, which would definitely be wrong.

Again, approaching it by asking if she would want to know an ugly truth about something that happened years ago gives HER the choice to know or not. Some may not want to know, but many people are not as allergic to the truth.

It has been over a decade, so there are valid arguments for both sides of this "tell, not tell" issue.

What do you see as the benefits / harm of telling her now to you both?

[Chery]

The truth can hurt, but deception more so. She was fooled, cheated on & has the opportunity now to know the truth.

As to a letter being wuzzy, it depends. If you mailed it to her & immediately disappeared that would be cowardly.

It was a long time ago & you are not telling her to gloat, which would definitely be wrong.

Again, approaching it by asking if she would want to know an ugly truth about something that happened years ago gives HER the choice to know or not. Some may not want the truth but many people are not as allergic to the truth. An ugly truth is better than a pretty lie.

Since she left him and is happy with another and a child also, she probably knows more truths about her ex than she really wants to be reminded of. I don't think she was that blind and probably suspected but forgave her friend anyway... sometimes we have to consider the source of our pain and then forgive our weak friends.

[N0help4u]

I agree with History_Chick and Chery why bring it up this many years later? Often people have a hard time of letting go of an image they have of you so in other words you tell her and then no matter all the convincing you do she then has the image of you cheating with her ex. Then she thinks you will try and cheat with her new guy.
IF you feel you must say something I would just generalize on you and your past with no details. Maybe something like I am glad I am no longer the person I once was. Funny but nice how time matures you and gets you realizing things in a way you didn't see them years before.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

IF you feel you must say something I would just generalize on you and your past with no details. Maybe something like I am glad I am no longer the person I once was. Funny but nice how time matures you and gets you realizing things in a way you didn't see them years before.

This isn't all just about an ex that's long disappeared into the past, it's about your friendship with her now & how honest you want it to be. This isn't about chasing down people to beg forgiveness that have long passed out of your life. You have a current relationship with her, so that does make a difference.

It may have negative repercussions on your friendship with her, or it may be good to have the truth on the table. She may think her new man could be targeted by you, or give you credit for telling the truth now as well as knowing you much better all this time so that may not be a concern to her.

There is no way to know whether she would appreciate the truth or what the repercussions of telling will be without knowing her better, which you do more than we ever will.

The odds are good she may never find out since she is not with him anymore & it sounds like she has no kids with him? So if the friends that did know haven't told yet, they may never even if they are still in contact with her. Or it may still come out, again no way to tell. I do know people that found out 20 yrs later but those were different situations, it was their partner that finally fessed up.

You are a different person now, a better one & as NoH says, time gives us a perspective that we didn't realize before. No one's perfect, we all make terrible choices of one kind or another. If you decide not to tell her the truth, or even if you do, an important thing is for you to give yourself closure & forgiveness.

Whatever you decide now, if she ever does ask you I hope you tell her the truth.

[saph-1975]

Hi,I've decided not to tell my friend in such words,her ex was brought up in conversation the other day,and I said I'm so sorry for having him in my house,I was out of order,I said I hate myself for the way I was back then I had no respect for anyone including myself,and she said well we all have a past you're a different person now we all do things we regrett,so I think she must know what I was saying,it was as if we both knew what I was really trying to say,so if she does ever ask me straight out I will tell her the truth.Thanks to everyone who gave me advice.

[akez]

Good for you! do you feel any better? Im glad you kept us up to date. You could have easily just ignored the situation so congrats for having the courage for stepping up and saying something.:)

[Ziggy420]

It will prob just start more drama! 11 years is along time I would just leave it the past. I went through something similar I messed around with my bestfriends girl and he found out 3 years later from someone she told. He thought about killing himself afterwards. I know it can be hard to live with. It sucks having it on your mind when your talking to them about similar things. I just don't think its worth it since she's not with the guy anymore! She prob don't even want to think about him! Some things are best untold

[BetrayalBtCamp]

You opened the door, said a lot of important things & she got to tell you she understands. That was an excellent way to deal with the situation. :)