[charl89]

I have been looking on this website for answers all night, and most of the advice I read was talk to him about, well that has got me in the dog house and he is thinking if he actually wants to be with me. I'm 19 and he is 23, we live together and been an item for over a year. At first the sex was amazing, maybe it was because I was an air hostess and the image made him get turned on, but as soon as I packed that in to move closer to him he slowly came to a stop and I will be lucky to get anything out of him in 2 weeks, that is of course if I ask for it!

I am young and my sex drive is high, I need satisfying. I tried to do stuff to get him in the mood more often but his excuse is always I am tired so I don't bother asking.
Last night I tried to explain how I felt and he just yelled at me and now ignoring me. I really don't know what to do, because I love him so much and can be with him but I need satisying in the bedroom, I feel like a 60year old!!

Please someone give me so advice on how to get out of this dog house and sort him out!

[charl89]

I have given him these options at least 3 months ago when I wasn't happy. He just said fine leave me and didn't want to sort it. I really couldn't leave him, in 7 weeks time we are in the Maldives for 2 weeks I was hoping that might help us out but I am not so sure.

[charl89]

Well I spoke to him at lunch explaining how I felt, and all he did was smilled and thought I was insane, what am I going to do?

[BetrayalBtCamp]

He's telling you what you need to do, accept his version of reality or make a better one on your own. He's not interested in working through this with you in a constructive way only his way or no way.

Let his know that people that treat you that way are not attractive to you & then treat yourself better than he is by showing him you won't be mistreated by anyone including him. As long as you keep chasing him, he keeps retreating. Stop chasing & if he values you he'll make the needed changes so you can stay together. If he doesn't, then you'll know you'd be wasting even more of your time trying with him. You can't have a great relationship or even sex alone, but he's not putting in his fair share to keep your relationship good at all. And it will get worse the more you let him disconnect & get away with it. You can't control or change him, you can control your actions & change what you put up with.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this but it can't change until he wants to put as much effort as you are into making things better for BOTH of you, & right now, he's just not going to do that as long as you just keep talking to him about it. He's not even listening at this point, he's just hearing yada yada yada when you talk to him about it.

Decide if you can live with it or not, & if you can't tell him you're willing to stay roomies until one of you moves out but he's slammed the door shut on a relationship with you physical or otherwise other than maybe just a friend.

Good Luck!

[excon]

well i spoke to him at lunch explaining how i felt, and all he did was smilled and thought i was insane, what am i going to do?

Hello charl:

Move on. Unless, of course, you want to go through life UN-screwed. He just isn't in to you.

excon

[smoothy]

Think about it... like was mentioned. He really doesn't give a damn. That much is clear at this point. I think its time to find someone better. There are lots of them out there. Why stick with a dud?

[Xrayman]

Hell I wish I could help her!

Seriously though, you have needs-he's not into you, move on.

[adam_89]

LEAVE HIM!! He is not worth it. It kind of makes me mad that he could be so mean about it. You need pleased and he couldn't care less. Please, you need to save yourslef, and leave. You are way to young to be worrying about it. There are plenty more out there. He likes to play mind games it sounds like too. You are letting him do that to you. So, I think you should leave. Come my way, I'll help you.

[kp2171]

You have a lazy lover who is only likely going to be more and more complacent. His drive is naturally lower than yours, and the guy isn't willing to at least keep you satiated by giving you some "wins", even if he isn't primed.

I've loved a woman whose drive dropped like this, down to all but neglectful. I've had great sex with a girl I loved but who treated me poorly in the end by cheating. Both women had to go. Wasn't fun either way... to leave the girl I loved but who was sexually incompatible or to leave the killer sex for a more stable relationship.

This guy likes the chase, like we all do, but after that he is just back to his normal, low drive.

You are much too young to accept this kind of treatment. There are several billion people in this world. I'm guessing a few of them could love you like you need.

Its just no fun to dump the "almost right" person.

But I am PROMISING you... unless he completely changes his thinking, this relationship won't last unless you are willing to say goodbye to sensual touch and sexual gratification. It only gets harder... good, lasting sex requires communication, deliberate effort, and thinking beyond just yourself.

I think he fails on all three points.

Its no fun, but the sooner you dump this guy, the sooner you can mourn the loss, get mad, and then begin to find someone who is willing to be an attentive lover.

Been where you are. It sucks. Then its over. Then its better. Finding a better lover and companion is worth the noise and heartache.

[Bonita--]

Sorry to say this but it sounds like he doesn't care about you. Maybe he has his own issues going on but if he's yelling at you, ignoring you, telling you to leave him etc. then it sounds to me like he doesn't care about you or the relationship. You can find someone who treats you right and who can satisfy you, don't stay with one man because you "love him". There are billions of men in this world who can treat you better and who can make you happy.

[adam_89]

Exactly right! I agree 100%

[metamorph]

DISCLAIMER: I wrote this as an answer to another question which was identicalish; and also is similar to what happened to me for 4 years until recently..

Talk to him ; I know you've done it in the past, and you have to do it again.
You need to find out why he's doing this.

Decide you will not get angry, emotional, defensive, aggressive, or melodramatic in this conversation you will have. Any of those (and many more) emotions will sabotage your ability to get the information you need.

Given that this has been an issue in the past, and that you care about it so much, and that he knows all this, it will be hard to change the pattern. You probably ask and he probably detaches form the conversation, becomes defensive, and wants it to just be freaking over. Maybe he has a "god damned it why are you bringing up this stupid thing AGAIN" attitude. Don't get discouraged. Instead, watch carefully what his reaction is. If he gets angry, defensive etc, I think that's a clue to you.

Let's entertain some hypotheses:

1. he thinks sex is lame and doesn't understand why people bother; same with holding hands, hugging etc;

2. his libido is annoyingly decreased and he doesn't understand why. He wishes it weren't the case; but he just doesn't want to do it; ever;

3. he is angry at you/doesn't feel affection, love, emotion etc but you're too good to leave. So he just doesn't want to touch you at all;

4. he loves you, but he doesn't find you physically attractive (this is what happens to me) and he wishes you would shave/wash/lose weight/dress better/act sexy/change it up/initiate stuff/act confident etc.

Come up with more hypotheses here;

If 1 were true then when you ask him why, he would just tell you. If he thought sex were lame and stupid, he would say that, the same way you'd say it if you just didn't feel like eating maggots; you would feel entitled not to eat maggots, because that would be lame and stupid etc; so, in your talk, it should be fairly easy to tell if you're dealing with an asexual person.

If 2, he should be upset by this; he may not want to be reminded; if he wants to want sex, but his diabetes gets in the way (reminded of a YouTube journal from a MS patient who was annoyed at her decreased libido; she couldn't' feel her body most of the time, so sex just didn't feel good). In this case he should be interested in medical/psychological treatment; but he should be defensive or stonewalling; maybe his masculinity is threatened; maybe he's lying to himself and doesn't want to admit he has this problem, and you bringing it up just hurts him; if you ask kindly, and convince him that you will accept the truth, he should barf it up if this is why;

If 3 there should be other rocky aspects of your relationship; maybe his tone of voice; his level of interest; how much time he accords you; what he sais to you; are you the coolest person ever? Does he give you the, oh my god you're so amazing look? Is he loving? Etc;
If your relationship is on the rocks, no sex may be a subconscious punishment. Then you'd have other things to work on. You should know already if this is true, but maybe not; maybe there are things you do that piss him off and he just doesn't complain, but instead covertly crossed you from his hot lover list and turned you into roommate;


If 4, the rest of your relationship should feel great; no man will feel comfortable telling his wife she's unattractive. That's like a big NO NO for men. They know they'll hurt our feelings and they might think we know already (this happened to me) what we should do to restore the attraction. Let's say you've stopped shaving your legs and he thinks this is the grossest thing ever, but that it's so obvious that clearly you're doing it on purpose because you don't care to have sex with him so why bother bringing it up; he doesn't want to sound too shallow? I don't know. In this case, your problem could be solved (by some effort that perhaps you'd wish were unnecessary)

I am sure there are many other explanations; try to find out WHY; if you don't know why, it will be twice as bewildering; it may be hard to ask, but just do it;

Preempt his concerns; for example, if you think he may find you fat, ask him: "is it because i'm fat?" and before that let him know that it's OK for him to tell you (you have to mean this; don't go looking for answers if you don't want to know them. I mean, don't find out then blow up about it. You have to be prepared for the truth). You've got to be really persistent addressing his concerns here. He may be afraid that if he tells you you will be hurt; you HAVE to reassure him that you can deal;

Ask him how come he is not preoccupied by this. Tell him it's abnormal, just to let him know; if he gets defensive, point it out; as him how come it bothers him to much; and at all points, DO NOT get annoyed/angry/defensive/etc. what you're trying to do here is create camaraderie; you both have a problem. Why are you the only one trying to solve it? Ask him that, not as an accusation, but like, by the way, how come I'm the only person concerned about this? Have you given up sex forever? Do you find it unimportant? Do you want to have sex with other people? Would you mind if I did? Do you ever think about this? Do you ever notice we don't have sex? (btw, getting him to admit that this is happening was so relieving for me. I stopped being alone at that point).

Ask him if it's you or if it's him;

Tell him how much this worries you. Tell him how it feels (probably, you feel rejected, hurt, self conscious, unloved; maybe you feel like you're begging and it's degrading. Maybe you feel like he is not really your lover) if he says he doesn't know, or wants to run away from the conversation, tell him to try really hard to think of the reason because it's very important to you and it emotionally affects you. If you need to, tell him you looked online. (don't whine) but let him know. That may help him overcome his inhibitions about searching for the reason or it might help him admit it to you or to himself;

[metamorph]

BTW, you can get him to get a lot less aggressive/defensive (sound different but they seem similar in fights?) by changing your tone of voice when you ask

[kp2171]

Talking to him is fine. Good communication is important in any relationship, and certainly for the bedroom. Its easy to talk about desires with a loving mate. Talking about problems in the bedroom with a "troublesome" mate is a tough task, but needs to be done.

But at some point she doesn't have to bear all the load, all the effort, all the responsibility. At some point she gets to stop asking questions, looking for angles, stop being the leader, the fixer, the only one vested in the health of their bedroom life and she gets to see what he has in him. How hard is he willing to work for her?

Lots of good points above on how to approach him. The way you talk to a person when you are desperate, angry, or hurt is bound to be different than when you are comfortable. Still, if you have to use "soft gloves" and constantly micromanage yourself when talking about a very important area of a relationship... them maybe there's just not enough natural overlap to begin with.

That he laughed in her face and called her crazy just hits me wrong. At best, he has little sensitivity and tact. At worst, he doesn't care and finds her hurting amusing. The fact he yelled at her and then pouted makes him a man who uses the tactics of a child.

You might love him for what he could have been for you, for the potential you saw in him... but this controlling, dismissive attitude is a red flag. Yes, he is young and dumb... been there myself before... but don't let what you've put into this relationship (time, effort, moving, emotional attachment, etc) be a reason to accept this behavior if its ongoing.

You can love a good guy who fails you critically in an important area of a relationship. If you try to talk it out and he continues this nonsense... and then you choose to stay, then you accept this behavior. You don't get to stay and complain.

If his attitude doesn't change, I really hope you leave. Id probably have been all but packed after being yelled at, pouted at, laughed at, and called crazy.