[jerseygirl]

Hello all,
I apologize in advance for this being so lengthy! I just want to make sure you get all the facts to be able to hopefully help me out! In a nutshell, I am unhappy in my marriage. I have been with my husband for 6-1/2 years, married for 4-1/2. We have an awesome 3 yr-old daughter. I have been having serious doubts about our relationship since we got engaged (7 months. In). Initially, the problems were because he became very needy, almost like the clichéd woman - always questioning how I felt, how I knew he was the one (I made the mistake of sharing my old diary with him, in which I “knew” time after time, that “this (current) guy is the one”. Eventually, the neediness was toned down, but now I find that I just don’t love him anymore. I questioned my feelings even before we married, but by that point felt like I couldn’t stop things from progressing (I know now, that I should have gotten out while I could). The thing is, I just don’t care about him anymore. I have tried to discuss things with him several times over the past couple years, even telling him that I wasn’t sure that I loved him, and he just goes into “Is this because the bathroom isn’t done? Is this because I played poker last night? Etc….” Then eventually I feel bad and figure, well, it could be worse. Maybe I should just suck it up and deal with it. I understand that passion fades in a marriage, but I have NO desire for any physical contact with him. Obviously, we do have sex - maybe once a week, but I could take it or leave it. We don’t fight a lot, but when we do, he makes me angrier than anyone ever has – and then rehashes the entire discussion, acting like he was the calm, relaxed one and I “flipped out” for no reason. He thinks I am negative because I am realistic, and always need to see all sides of things, and prepare for the worst, just in case. I don’t trust him as far as money is concerned, because we are seriously in debt, but he continues to eat lunch out (when he could brown bag it), buy (4) season NFL tickets (instead of splitting them with his friends/brothers), and just be generally careless with money, while I am trying to save every penny!
I feel like I am staying in this marriage because I have a stable, relatively comfortable life – I am able to stay home with my daughter (since Mar ’05), we have a nice house (even with all the unfinished projects, which is yet another story), and separating would upset everything. BUT, I completely feel like if my husband didn’t come home today, I would not even care. And that’s obviously not how a wife should feel about her husband.
On another note, I have been thinking about my high school sweetheart almost every day for just about our entire relationship. I ran into him back when I was engaged, and now I feel like that was my wake-up call, I should have taken that detour, but I didn’t. I’m sure that my memories are sugar-coated, but I can’t stop thinking about him. Now I know that if I left my husband, I wouldn’t necessarily end up with my hs sweetheart, but I also know that I am willing to take that chance and would rather be alone (with my daughter) than stay in an unhappy marriage.
I know that you are going to recommend counseling, and we have talked about that, but I don’t even want to try anymore. I’d like to go by myself, if anything, and not even tell him I’m going. I know he would go, but I don’t even want him to.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! It’s no secret among my close friends and immediate family that I am not thrilled in my marriage, but I just don’t like to get them too involved. Thanks!

[phillysteakandcheese]

The relationship is already dead in your mind, why continue in it physically?

It sounds like you see your husband as a "wimp".
Can you ever get over that -or will he always be that in your eyes?

You've realized you made a mistake, and it's good to recognize that you have to correct that mistake as best you can. I don't think you'll ever be attracted to your husband like you think you should be - and that will always bother you.

Based on what you've said, if you're not wanting to work on your marrige anymore, the best bet is to make an amicable split and move on with your life.

[talaniman]

Doesn't sound like much communication went on especially since you've had these feeling since 7 mo's into the marriage. Since you have already ruled out counselling then the only thing left is to get a lawyer. If you don't want to try any longer why prolong the agony and just tell the guy the truth! 4 years is a long time to live a lie!:cool: :eek:

[jerseygirl]

Thank you, thank you for your input...
I know that it is very important to be true to myself, and when I do that, I know that this is not where I should be. I just want to do right by my daughter, and part of me feels like I should figure out how to make it work (even thought I feel I don't want to) for her sake. The other part of me says what am I teaching her by staying in a marriage that is merely (sometimes barely) tolerant - she will notice one day that I never show any physical affection or love towards her daddy.
There are so many more details - too many to possibly explain. I know I probably sound like a cold-hearted B**, but I really am not. He is no angel - while he doesn't beat me, cheat on me, or drink too much, there are things about him that I don't like. He makes comments all the time (that he swears are just jokes) about women - being bad drivers, being evil, etc. While he says he supports me being home, and knows I work hard, he still barely helps out - unless I ask several times, and drives me crazy by not even cleaning up after himself. Maybe this is a man thing, but it just doesn't work for me.
Thanks again for the input... I don't want to make a mistake, but I also don't want to not make a move because of fear of making a mistake. I just wish I had a crystal ball to help me do the right thing! :)

[ScottGem]

It was either Ann Landers or Dear Abby who asked the salient question. You need to decide whether you are better off with him or without him. Only you can decide that. Once you do, you will know how to proceed.

[jerseygirl]

ScottGem,
That's the thing - I completely feel like I would be better off without him. I feel like he brings me down - financially, emotionally, and physically. Financially, because he has "champagne taste" and we have "beer pockets" - emotionally, because I so want to be TOTALLY in LOVE, and I am NOT - and physically, because I want to be TOTALLY attracted to my partner, always wanting to be in his arms, etc... and I don't feel that either...
The issue, I guess, is... do I really want to begin the huge hassle & struggle that a divorce will entail? I know that's not what I should be worried about, but I am... also, I don't think I should have to worry about this, but... while I have no problem sharing custody of our daughter (I would NEVER fight that for her sake and for his), he is originally from another state (5 hrs away)... so I have no idea if he would want to move back there (probably), and what that means for custody. Will I get penalized for initiating the divorce as far as custody goes? I ABSOLUTELY will not give up my daughter... you would think that he would stay local to be in her life... but I know he would want to go back...
Perhaps this is a question for a different category..
Thank you again... you have all been more help than you could possibly imagine...

[Debra]

I can't see anything horribly wrong with your husband. He jokes around about women, but most men do. Generally, you just joke back and have a good laugh together. He enjoys splurging on NFL tickets. Most people have *something* that they enjoy splurging on. Spoiling yourself every once in a while helps to make ordinary life more tolerable. Life would be pretty drab and mundane if you devote your entire purpose of living to pinching pennies.

Your husband bought the family a nice home and makes a living comfortable enough to allow you the luxury of staying home with your daughter. He's not very good about helping around the house, but if that's the worst thing you can say about him, that's small potatoes.

It seems that you're simply dissatisfied with your life. Perhaps you're suffering from "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" syndrome. Perhaps, if you get rid of the "dissatisfying" husband, life will suddenly become more satisfying? Perhaps you're just confusing your general feeling of dissatisfaction with no longer feeling in love with your husband. I think your husband is merely the victim in this scenario. You're allowing petty grievances about your married life to overshadow your thinking and thwart your ability to be happy.

If you take the time and effort that you regularly focus on your complaints and redirect that time and effort toward rekindling your love for your hubby and focusing on the positive, you might discover how truly lucky you are. If you spend your time loving, cherishing, and respecting your man instead of focusing on his perceived faults, the rewards will be so amazing that you'll forget you ever had any complaints.

The ball is really in your court. You can make this an amazing, loving, fullfillling marriage--or you can make it the dissatisfying marriage that you want to leave. If it's the latter, be sure to get a job and child care lined up before you go. Take care.

[jerseygirl]

I never said there was anything "horribly wrong" with my husband. And no, there's nothing wrong with having a good laugh together, BUT, when the "jokes" are always sexist and not even remotely funny, then I have an issue with them. I am certainly no prissy, tight-lipped woman - there is not one of my friends or family members that would even remotely describe me that way. I am completely open-minded about pretty much everything.
My husband did not "buy the family a nice home" - we paid for this house and everything else we have together, I worked my entire life up until one year ago, when we could finally afford to get by on one income.
I am by no means a penny pincher either - but when we have credit card debt up to our eyeballs, and can only make minimum monthly payments, and our incoming $$ is exactly what our outgoing $$ is each month, how is it okay to "splurge" with a credit card for $3000??
I know what most men probably don't help out around the house, and the fact that I am home means I will handle the majority of the household chores, but the fact remains that even when I was working 40 hours a week as well, I was STILL doing everything around the house. I don't feel it's my job to clean up after him as well as the other tasks that I handle.
I never said I was so sure that life will be more satisfying without him, that's the chance I take if I leave.
I am NOT constantly focusing on my complaints, I try every day to focus on the positive. I know that I am lucky to be able to stay home with my daughter, BUT, I cannot MAKE myself be madly in love. And I don't think I should have to live every day feeling like I'm wasting my life in a loveless marriage.
I know you are trying to help, but you don't know all the details here, and you don't know my husband or me. Trust me, if I were to annouce to my friends and family that we were separating, not one person would be surprised - and these are people that know both of us very well.
So,thanks for your input, but I have to disagree that it is all on me to make this work. And also, I do know that I will have to go back to work and arrange for child care (lucky for me, I have Grandmom - THAT'S where my life is truly lucky - my awesome, supportive parents)

[Debra]

No, I don't know you personally. I do, however, know a lot of people like you. You are a complainer. It would be nice if you could post something nice about your husband, but I'm not expecting it.

[jerseygirl]

You're kidding me right? I'm starting to think you ARE my husband masquerading as "Debra". I came to this forum for advice - obviously anyone looking for help and/or advice is going to be sharing their issues (or "complaints", in your eyes). You must either be unmarried, or you have found the most wonderful, never-do-wrong man in the world to be your husband. You want some nice things? Okay, he's a wonderful Daddy, he can be funny, he can hold a conversation with anyone, we have a lot of the same interests, and I'm sure there's more. A lot of the people who know him, like him, BUT, they are not married to him. Happy? That's a huge part of my confusion in figuring out what to do - he doesn't do any HORRIBLE things (hit me, drink, gamble, whatever).
It's not easy to admit that I probably made a mistake in getting married, and I came here, sharing my concerns out in the open, to find support and advice, not to be called a "complainer". I am the most laid-back person you could ever meet, but there comes a point where enough is enough.

[Fr_Chuck]

Why are you pretending to ask for help since it is obvouis you don't want help. You either merely wish to feel sorry for yourself, or find someone here to justify you leaving him, so you can "blame us for you leaving"

Well wake up and smell some coffee. Marriage takes a lot of work, and yep lots of boring times. You have made a dream relationship with someone that does not exist, you are living in a non real world. That hunk from your past would be just as boring, just as dull in 7 years also. Do you know there is even a term called the 7 year itch. Normally this is the time peroid that many couples offten cheat on one or the other or both.

So you said you don't want counseling, ( what is really needed to make it work). Your real world after leaving your husband would not be the fairly tale, most likely you would find someone who also had divorced and then you bring your problems and his problems and your ex problems and so life is even harder to deal with.

I wold say that if you want this marriage to work, then work on it, if not, stop lying to yourself. But if you don't try and make this one work, don't blame anyone but yourself, since you are 1/2 of the people having the problem

[aqua@home]

Hi jerseygirl,
I think what some of these people are trying to say is it sounds like you have already made up your mind. You are not happy, you don't want to work on it, you wish you hadn't gotten married, but now this is familiar and safe. Right? I think Fr Chuck is right, there is the 7 year itch, there will be boring times and I know marriage is not the fairy-tale we all wish it could be. You will find that the grass is always greener on the other side and when you get there, it will still look greener on the other side. I don't think anyone can give you any advice you don't already know. You will have to decide and take responsibility for that decision. We all do and it's never easy. Good luck with figuring it out.

[s_cianci]

I'm afraid I have to go along with Debra and Fr. Chuck on this one. You've admitted that he doesn't do anything horrible such as drink excessively or beat you. So what's the problem? OK, so he's not Prince Charming but nobody is. You call yourself "realistic" but I'm not sure you are. It does sound like maybe he's a little naïve when it comes to household finances. Are you the one who handles the finances of your household? Maybe you should take it upon yourself to educate him a little about the basics of budgeting. Show him how and where the money is spent each month (for mortgage, car payments, utilities, etc.) Show him the credit card bills where it outlines the balance due and the minimum monthly payment and how the finance charges accrue on unpaid balances. By making him a little more aware in this regard you may curb his urge to splurge if it is in fact hurting your budget and causing you to fall into unmanageable debt. Incidentally, the amount of $$$ going in is the amount of $$$ that goes out for most families. Not an ideal situation I know but one of the harsh realities of life.

[bizygurl]

No, I don't know you personally. I do, however, know a lot of people like you. You are a complainer. It would be nice if you could post something nice about your husband, but I'm not expecting it.

I really don't think its fair to say that Jerseygirl is a "complainer". Obviously she came here looking for advice on something that is bothering her. I think anyone here that comes to this forum to seek guidance or advice on an issue that is causing them turmoil in their lives should be treated with a little more respect. Despite what you may feel about her situation.. its not right to lable her as a "complainer".. no one knows what she is dealing with in her life.. and who are we to judge. We are all here to give advice, guidance not judgement.

Jerseygirl... if you really do feel this strongly about this then maybe you should seek out at least a separation even if temporary. Find out if you can really live without your hubby.. usually a separation tends to put things in perspective and it either helps you realize that you really do love this person or it shows you what you already know. Either way you need to find out for yourself. It's the only way. If you don't try at least that you will only feel resentment and probably will still have the same questions you have now. You need to be happy... sometimes taking risks at something... even though could be messy)... tend to point you in the right direction. I hope everything works out for you.

[Debra]

It's not easy to admit that I probably made a mistake in getting married, and I came here, sharing my concerns out in the open, to find support and advice, not to be called a "complainer". I am the most laid-back person you could ever meet, but there comes a point where enough is enough.

I believe that I did give you advice:

.. . You're allowing petty grievances about your married life to overshadow your thinking and thwart your ability to be happy.

If you take the time and effort that you regularly focus on your complaints and redirect that time and effort toward rekindling your love for your hubby and focusing on the positive, you might discover how truly lucky you are. If you spend your time loving, cherishing, and respecting your man instead of focusing on his perceived faults, the rewards will be so amazing that you'll forget you ever had any complaints.

The ball is really in your court. You can make this an amazing, loving, fullfillling marriage--or you can make it the dissatisfying marriage that you want to leave. If it's the latter, be sure to get a job and child care lined up before you go. Take care.

My advice to you was totally unappreciated. You voiced several complaints about everything I said. Most of your statements were contradictory. You finally complained:

And I don't think I should have to live every day feeling like I'm wasting my life in a loveless marriage.

I feel very sad for your hubby. If he knew you felt you were wasting your life by spending it with him, I'm sure he would show you the door. And perhaps my opinion is biased because I've been with my man for seven years and I love him dearly. He has imperfections. He tells bad jokes too. If I picked him apart, I suppose I could complain 24/7 about his flaws--but I choose not to. I understand that I have imperfections too, and he could spend 24/7 complaining about me--but he doesn't. We just love each other--flaws and all--and we're truly blessed to have found each other.

If you can't love and respect your man, then let him go. He doesn't deserve to live his life in a farce of a marriage. He deserves to live his life with a woman who feels blessed to have him. By hanging onto him, you're depriving him of true love and happiness. You're not doing him any favors by "wasting your life" by living it with him.

[fredg]

Hi, JerseyGirl,
After all the answers you have received, you still really have 3 options:
1. Stay with him, no changes
2. Try getting him to go with you to Marriage Counseling.
3. See a lawyer, start Separation proceedings.

Personally, I do feel that your happiness is what's important. I'm not saying all marriage are like this, but some are to the point where one partner is not happy, and can't see any changes, getting to the point of being happy.
If being happy in life is really important to you, then think about getting out.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

[ScottGem]

ScottGem,
That's the thing - I completely feel like I would be better off without him. I feel like he brings me down - financially, emotionally, and physically.

I think, therefore, you have answered your own question. Yes divorce can be a hassle, but it seems to have gotten easier and less expensive.

[fredg]

Hi, JerseyGirl,
I am not sure, personally, if you have answered your own question, neither agreeing with or disagreeing with the previous answer.
But, you have taken some very important steps in explaining your situation. Taking the first steps is important, because you are now brining it "out into the open", or at least on a forum.
The next steps are, as you know, up to you. I do wish you the best in your choice of how to handle the situation. I went through a Divorce many years ago, and got over it. I was much, much better off, but it didn't really seem like it at the time! Been married 29 yrs now; wouldn't trade it for anything.

[Depressed in MO]

Sounds like you are just bored with your life. Being an at home mom can drive you crazy enough-especially with a three year old-not that you don't love it. But, do you get out much? By yourself? Away from your husband and daughter? Do you have close friends you can go do things with on your own from time to time? If you were away from him a little more often and actually got out to see the real world, you may grow to appreciate him more and find yourself actually wanting to be with him. Sounds crazy but it is true. As everyone is saying-no one is perfect, even yourself. After a while we all pick things about each other that get on each other's nerves because we are around each other all the time and you start to notice things after a while that you did not at first. My man farts, picks his nose (sometimes-only when he thinks no one is looking :) )and sometimes inconsiderate-but those moments when he holds me in his arms and tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful... It's like he never did those disgusting things at all. It's called unconditional love and if you never had that-you should have never gotten married. And if you did have it at one time that you know of for certain-then it is still there-just lost. Because when you truly love someone-you just don't stop.
Whether you care or not, I am on your side. But quite honestly, maybe the problem is within yourself. You don't sound like you are too happy with yourself. Your man sounds like a good guy, and when you get out there in the real world and see and hear of all these women who are in bad relationships with true jerks, good luck finding another man who was as good as your husband.

[Cgirl]

Jerseygirl, I want you to know that you should feel comfortable posting here, and it is great that you had the courage to admit that both of you have made mistakes in the relationship. If you really feel like you can't work things out anymore than you SHOULD end things. If he makes you genuinly unhappy then it would be better for your daughter to end it. Faking your way through a marriage and pretending to be happy will eventually catch up with you and your daughter will someday see right through it, as well as your husband. You don't want her to resent you for that, instead you should just be honest with everyone and do what makes the most sense.
People make mistakes, we are only human.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad for needing a place to vent, that is what this website is here for. I wish you the best of luck in your decision, but if you think things through, and don't make any hasty decisions, and are honest, everything should work out for you and your daughter. God Bless.