 |
|
| Browse | Ask | Answer | Search | Join/Login |
|
|
||||
|
Dear jerseygirl, you pretty much made your point in the first post and I understand exactly how you feel. I did the same the first time around and stayed together because of the baby. I realize now that this was the wrong thing to do, and my daughter later, at the age of 22 told me that I should not have done this for her.
Kids soak in and understand things a lot more than what most people think, and if you are unhappy, don't stay because of the child. The world in it's social structure today, is well established to handle 'single and/or patchwork' families and parents. It's not such a stigma at school anymore to be a child of split parents. Therefore, if you can part on good terms, with visitation rights for your daughter - who can gain by traveling if need be - as long as she knows that both Mom and dad love her and that this had nothing to do with her. So, do what you have to do, and please don't 'fight' for rights that are natural as soon as the child is born. You both love her and should be able to share the valuable time with her to help her develop into a healthy, and happy young woman without the stress. This will also teach her not to make sudden choices such as you did, for whatever reason. Think now of the future of your child and work on helping her together, no matter what your issues. I'm sure that 'dad' would agree to a clean split, and yes, it will hurt, but it's better than living a lie. This he will realize one day and be better off for it as he might also have a chance to find someone he deserves. Look and communicate about the positive side of this split-up and you just might all wind up winners. Good luck to you, and please keep us posted. 
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
OMG we need to talk. I read your post and it sounds exactly like the one I just posted. I too am married 6 years.. have two kids, and not 100% happy with him. Same time I am still in love with someone from HS. It would be awesome if you would want to chat about it... its relieving to know I am not alone!! I have thought about this other guy the whole relationship also... and in fact... I have been waiting for the 10-year reunion to see what could happen. Well this year is 10 years and guess what... I couldn't wait, so I wrote him a letter. I told him that I knew what I was doing was wrong but that I had to confront my feelings. I gave him my contact info and guess what... he txt messaged me. This was 3 weeks ago. It has been a roller coaster though, because he says that he also still has feelings for me and is not currently in a relationship... but he does not want to be the root of breaking up my family. So every day has been up and down... he's afriad to say too much fearing I would walk out on my husband today for him. I can see the pressure that is placed on him, but I just know what I am feeling he is too.
Then... I said I wanted to see him. I could tell he wanted to and I thought we were about to plan it, but now he is backing off again. I know this is a horrible situation for him, but it would be good to see each other so we would know if this is real. Anyway, when you write we can share more. Good luck to you and me!! |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I recently posted a message about my own unhappy marriage and my confusion. Sounds similar to yours. It is very sad that some of those that responded to you seemed to be more focused on passing judgment and criticizing you then offering any sound advice. This should be a forum where you are allowed to vent your feeling in a safe environment with the hope of getting some advice to assist you in perhaps some very difficult personal decisions along the way. I completely understand that the person you are married to does not have to be doing anything "horrible" in order for the marriage to cause you unhappiness and yes it does take two people. Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that two good people may not be good together. Whatever decision you make should be your own and should be one that helps to empower you as a woman and a human being.
And to those of you who offered nothing but insensitive judjment, congratulations to you for feeding into the prehistoric mind frame that if a woman voices her feelings and expresses valid frustrations, she is just a "complainer". Your children, especially, your daughters should be proud to have such amazing role models who believe in the power of sisterhood and the strength of a women's voice. Let's hope that they all marry perfect men and lead perfect lives and never have the gall as to do anything as ridiculous as "complain." I'm reminded of one of my favorite quotes. Not exact. "Those who live in glass houses, should not throw stones." |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Everybody that has posted a response is trying to help this person out. This person does not want to see the truth. The truth hurts sometimes. There are people here that see things that maybe she does not see herself. It is up to her what she takes in and what she does not. She needs to look at everything people said and take it as it is. There was lots of great advice but she did not even seem like she cared to even look it over. You know why because the truth hurt too much, that you know what she is the one with the problem as well. She is putting all the blame towards her husband when it should be towards her, because she is not even trying to make it work. Which shows in her posts.
Joe |
||||
|
|
|
||||
 Originally Posted by jerseygirl
What's identical as well in my situation is the high school sweetheart thing. I too had the oppourtunity to rekindle a passionate relationship that I messed up in high school, before getting married. I blew it twice. To be honest though, people change and what once was maybe wouldn't have been replicated. Then again, taking advice from me would be about as good as asking a felon. I seem to have made some pretty bad choices over the past decade. Don't listen to people who are judging you. They simply do not have anything better to do, or they get joy through making other people feel like crap. I am sure you are a wonderful person who like me, has made some not so great choices. I wish you all the best. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Don't postpone the inevitable... When your kids are young... they can recover from their parents spitting up... better than when they are older and have had to live through their parents not loving each other... if you can't talk to him and work it out... it's better in the long run to move on... Be strong and focus on yourself and making a happy life for your children... Love will come... when it's the right time... Your focusing on a hs passion is so... par for the course... stop... and focus on YOU... Good luck
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I have been experiencing something similar but on the opposite side. It seems my husband doesn't love me anymore or care to do things for me. Although I am not exaclty like your husband, I have been acting in way that may have pushed him away, yet I only did this because I felt very rejected and hurt by him. It reached the point where we just did our own thing with our own pay and because I was so unhappy I started spending more on myself and not saving for both of us. Perhaps he was so extravagant with his spending and tastes because he was looking for something to make him feel better. He may have felt neglected. If you don't love him at all it is only fair that you leave him and give him the chance for a better life. It seems that your love for this other guy may have pushed you even further away. However if you married him because you cared and loved him it is worth trying to work things out. Passion always dies out after time anyhow. It is up to us to rekindle the feelings. Like I said he may just be acting this way out of a bad reaction to the way you treated him. Communication is important. My husband never told me the things that really bothered him and now it reached the point where he doesn't care anymore and doesn't want to try. He was quite unfair with me though because it was all just a misunderstanding. I wouldn't have been so irresponsible and negative about things if he showed more understanding and was willing to communicate more. Now it reached the point where he just gave up and left me and I don't even know for how long. Realize there are always 2 sides to the story. I don't know how you felt but I know my husband married me out of love or at least cared about me. We would still be together today and quite happy I believe if he was more open with his feelings. I think that if your husband felt more secure and saw that you care and are trying he would change too. He would feel happy and therefore want to make you happy too. He would also be more understanding if you showed him you respect his feelings. Just saying, from the other point of view because I have been there. Like I said if you NEVER loved him or really care then all this is pointless and you should just be open and honest with him and let him go. Make sure you are clear on the reasons though even if it hurts him.
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Jersey Girl,
First, you are awesome for having the guts to post here. I want to say thanks because as I was reading your post (and the responses) I feel like I'm reading my own story. Change the location, length of marriage and kids ages and a bunch of us are in the same boat. Sounds like you, Josh, Chery, Marie and I should all get together for a drink, LOL. I am amazed by the number of people who feel like this who feel so... STUCK. I know that the women I have spoken with feel like they will be left homeless and poor with their kid(s). The guys feel like they will be left homeless and poor and never see their kids again... My home life sucks, my husband is a stressed out grouch. He bottles up his anger, snaps at my daughter and me and basically sucks the fun out of everything. Vacations are misery. I wonder how many of you have started seeing other people while you are married? It would be so easy to leave for most of us if we didn't have kids. For all of those passing judgement--they are playing desktop god rather than trying to relate to a difficult situation. It sucks to have time keep slipping by being unhappy... please know that there are those of us out there who can relate, who understand and who are trying to figure it out too. :o |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Jersey Girl, What's the real story here?
You wrote: "I don't trust him as far as money is concerned, because WE ARE SERIOUSLY IN DEBT, but he continues to eat lunch out (when he could brown bag it), buy (4) season NFL tickets (instead of splitting them with his friends/brothers), and just be generally careless with money, while I am trying to save every penny! Then you wrote: I feel like I am staying in this marriage because I have a STABLE, relatively COMFORTABLE LIFE – I am able to stay home with my daughter (since Mar '05), We have a nice house (even with all the unfinished projects, which is yet another story), and separating would upset everything. BUT, I completely feel like if my husband didn't come home today, I would not even care. And that's obviously not how a wife should feel about her husband. This is the REAL issue. You wrote: On another note, I have been thinking about my high school sweetheart almost every day for just about our entire relationship. Why not just leave and forfeit a decent man and excellent provider. Go right ahead and ruin what could have been, on a schoolgirl crush. Your man won't be on the market for long just like Bobby, the captain of the soccer team won't hang around either! |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Originally Posted by hartford
Who's 'playing God' here--ruining someone's life with unnecessary hardships and lies KNOWING YOUR HEART IS NOT IN IT from the start! |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I agree with most of the posts but I think you was wrong to marry him in the first place and feel you did it more for convience then love. Be happy that he provides for you and your daughter and not treating you wrong or cheating on you like a lot of our husbands. Maybe you need to find something to do with yourself like school or work.
The only thing I have to say is don't blame because you went in the marriage unsure of love for him and in return not being love with him grew but a child is involved. For that reason alone growing up in home without seeing love between the parents can affect her and kids are smarter than you think. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Jersey Girl,
I can completely relate to your post. It sounds similar to my own situation except I do still love my husband whom has neglected me throughout our seven year marriage. But, I try. Slowly, my spirit has withered away and recently I started to feel my love for him fading/leaving me completely. If you don't feel happy in your marriage but is staying purely for the child's sake. Then you shouldn't. I came from divorced parents and do understand why they divorced. Each child is different but as long as you explain your situation to your child when he/she is old enough to understand situations. As far as high school sweetheart feelings, I can relate. However, I've tried that a long time ago before I got married and learned that people do change. Sometimes wanting and having the desire to rekindle old flames only stir up other problems. It doesn't hurt to try as long as you have nothing to lose. Before you try that option, you should take care of your problem at home first. I think you need to tell your spouse that 'you don't love him anymore and wish to divorce.' Being straight out with him in the way you word your feelings is better than telling him "you think." If you say you think, he will just justify it with something. You should be blunt about exactly how you feel... but be absolute and do not sound doubtful. This may help him see the reality of your marriage. It's good that you are in realization with your marriage and I am glad to have came across your post. Many people on here don't understand what it means to be stuck in an unhappy marriage that has reached a dead end. Don't pay too much attention to their negative responses and just take what advice you can from here from those who do have a head on their shoulders. Take Care! |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Jerseygirl wrote"...Now I know that if I left my husband, I wouldn't necessarily end up with my hs sweetheart, but I also know that I am willing to take that chance and would rather be alone (with my daughter) than stay in an unhappy marriage.
I know that you are going to recommend counseling, and we have talked about that, but I don't even want to try anymore. I'd like to go by myself, if anything, and not even tell him I'm going. I know he would go, but I don't even want him to." Jerseygirl, It was wrong for you to marry anyone with UNFINISHED BUSINESS with another. Throw-back love is a waste of time. Cherish your hs memories but don't take them to heart. Caramel apple wrote: "Many people on here don't understand what it means to be stuck in an unhappy marriage that has reached a dead end." Caramel, Sure we know exactly what you are going through--hills and valleys are for climbing and crossing. Are you woman enough to stay and work to regain your man's love and attention, or will you give up only to find that he is only human (as you are) and that all couples have walked the same path? We are the directors of our own lives. No one can force another adult to do what is not in their heart to do. If they change only to please you and not also themselves, they will resent you in the end, making things worse (as if it isn't already as bad as it can get). IF these men no longer want you, give them the option to leave. If they stay and do not conform, you leave. Whatever you do, be happy. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I struggle with this same issue daily now that the other one is texting me daily and I can not seem to want to tell him to stop. I however do not hide this from my husband.
I too am in a great marriage of 13 years with the poster perfect husband (on paper) and many a woman would be so happy to be married to him. And he takes all my crap while still loving me. Maybe I can answer my own problems by telling you love is a choice. Someone once told me you fall in and out of love many times in a marriage. But marriage is a commitment. Good times and bad. No one can tell you where you would be happiest. Does not sound as if you are really unhappy, but just unsatisfied. I really think you both could benefit with some marriage counseling. Also I have noticed that people with small children (normally a little older than yours) are all floundering to redefine their relationship with each other after discounting the role parenthood has taken away from them. Just food for thought. I will be thinking of you. I truly feel your pain and confusion. I know though that I am hopeful that my husband will tune into our marriage soon. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I know that it is very important to be true to myself, and when I do that, I know that this is not where I should be.
You admit he would go to counseling but you don't want to do that, which might not only improve the marriage but your perspective on a lot of things that only you can improve such as your attitudes that are making you so unhappy. Instead you want to go to counseling alone, "complain" about your H & the marriage & have them validate your decision to bolt. No one can MAKE you happy but telling yourself daily you should have picked another person & seeing only all the negatives in your marriage / partner, isn't going to help you get a positive happy attitude for yourself or anyone else, much less any relationship. Relationships / marriages go through stages & we are not designed to stay in that "MADLY in love" stage permanently or automatically with anyone, it's lust driven by brain biochemistry. Right now you are telling yourself you can't be happy until you make major life altering changes in your life (which may be true). But if you don't learn more about what real happiness, life satisfaction & a marriage entails, you'll be in the same situation with the someone new that kicks off the lust in you when that wears off. It's not fair you should be doing all the housework & he certainly will have to do plenty of that if he gets divorced so he'd be better off helping you instead. Some professional help would benefit you both so things will get better instead of staying in the state they are now. If you are not putting much into your marriage, you won't be able to get much out & I don't mean the cooking & cleaning. You need to be emotionally invested for it to be a good one for you. It sounds like you aren't willing to do that because you feel you are missing out on what you might have if you left, especially with the hs guy or someone new. If you take your personal issues to that new life without some proper help to aid you in understanding what real relationships are like after the lust wears off & what responsibility you have to yourself to improve your life in a good way, you will take all these problems & keep dealing with them in the same way with the same results. No matter if you are alone or with someone new. Cuz you're saying you're telling your family / friends you're unhappy but not making any serious efforts to give your partner or marriage a fighting chance to be good for both of you, much less yourself. Unless that changes, it will also doom any new relationship sooner or later too. Effective communication & caring teamwork is key to an awesome relationship. All marriages have good & bad times. Plus it takes being willing to take responsibility for our own part so we don't expect our partner to do the impossible like make us happy or our life satisfactory for us without us having to do our own part too, for example. Right now you are not being fair to yourself staying stuck in the mentality you are in, or your partner & marriage. Getting divorced will only act as a bandaid to those deeper wounded feelings you are experiencing, which is not solely caused by your marriage or partner. You need to start with you to improve your life. It can be very exhausting mentally & physically to take care of a small child & that can also contribute to being unhappy & unsatisfied with our lives, lots of research on that especially if your adult interactions is severely limited now as it wasn't when you had an outslde job. No matter how much you love the child. Passion can disappear in a marriage but it can also be restored & nutured too. The less you do that, the easier it is to keep it dead. You are chosing not be loving or loved with your husband. When you act as if love is solely a feeling & discount your choice to deaden the love in your marriage, a positive change can't happen. Like most things in life worth having, it takes effort & when that is done the rewards can be great. As long as you keep the "he can do no right" filter on your eyes & heart, that is all you can see & all you can feel no matter how great a partner he could be to you or how much love is there to work with & make blossom. You don't have a balanced view right now & it's contaminating all the emotional benefits you should be getting from the marriage or your partner. It sounds like you don't feel appreciated & are extremely stressed by money issues as well as exhausted by constantly being the only one keeping the house up which is feeding your unhappiness with yourself, your life, your partner & the marriage. That's understandable by what you wrote. Again, those are things that can be corrected without a divorce taking place either with good professional help or getting some helpful materials. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
Originally Posted by jerseygirl
I suffered for 2 years now... We have a 3 years old son... its been tough. We r not in love... it's almost like war. For about year I wanted to just move out. Never had the courage... nor any money! Yes I work and full time student but I never saw any penny because it would all go for the family. I made a decision though: 3 days ago... I put a deposit for a studio just to start and I'm ready for a new life! I want to live life! I want to make history... I want to love... I want to be me!. nice knowing I wasn't the only one. Best of luck! |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
As someone in almost exactly the same situation, I must say I think a lot of these answers are harsh. Think about this: if you're not in love with him and unhappy, why should you stay with him? This is 2009 people! Its just not easy to leave especially if your partner wants you to stay. My husband knows I'm not in love with him yet insists we stay together. He thinks I will fall in love with him even though I tell him its not possible. I don't understand this because I would never want to be with someone who's not in love with me. I would never insist someone stay with me. Loves not supposed to be forced. As long as you stay with him your going to be unhappy. My advice to you is to leave and go make yourself happy. I hope real, true and unforced love finds you someday.
|
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I like how there is not one person that describes this situation "from the other side"
Now fast forward 6 months... He in his new house and Her in her new house. Will anyone come forward and proclaim to the other that they made a mistake at that point? Most likely the answer is no. But by then it is too late. This is totally illustrated by how many are willing to admit the love for their HS sweetheart... what happened to that relationship to make it come to an end? I'm starting see a pattern developing... A Pattern of "fantasy" over reality and people un able to recognize or respect the one they are with. Leaving is always the answer for these folks. Since when did staying to "fight" ever be thought of as easier than running away? Some folks with less than stellar character will justify any reason to run away, simple for the ease in what is found in running. |
||||
|
|
|
||||
|
I can completely relate with Jerseygirl, and yes it sounds selfish and the wants of a dreamer but living an unhappy life with the wrong person is tanamount to suicide of the soul. Sure the new guy may very well not be the one either but what happens when another prince charming comes around? Likely she will feel the same. I am lucky in the fact that I don't have a daughter to worry about. The reality is this makes your situation much stickier. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish but you have her needs to think about too.
|
||||
|
|
Not your question?
Ask your question
View similar questions
| Question Tools | Search this Question |
Check out some similar questions!
Unhappy marriage - what to do?
[ 11 Answers ]
I welcome your comments, criticisms, concerns. My biased and very long story: I am 35 years old. My husband is 32. I have been married for 1 year and 8 months. I have known my husband for 3 years and 3 months. I met him while working in France. He is Dutch – I am an American. My job in...
Will my marriage last?
[ 10 Answers ]
I have been married for 16 months but I don't trust my husband. I am 8 months pregnant and need to know before its too late for my baby if he is going to cheat and if we will last
International Marriage in military.. Could Divorce... What do I do to save our marriage
[ 7 Answers ]
My husband is in Germany serving the US Army and since November 14, 2005 he has been gone. I was supposed to go over there with him but yet to go. He says that he wants a divorce and when I try to get the real true reason out of him nothing works all he says is that I know why but deep down I have...
Confused in unhappy marriage
[ 8 Answers ]
My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We have 2 girls (one from a previous relationship. She is 11 years old and a 3 year old). He is 7 years younger than I. We have been through a lot together. A serious medical illness, financial woes and a pregnancy right after our engagement....
Unhappy In Marriage
[ 5 Answers ]
Hi. I am very new to this forum and really need to let my emotions out somewhere. I have been married for 4 years and we have 6 children, 2 common together. All of our children have exceptionally special needs including the baby who's 2 with spastic quadraparesis cerebral palsy. It is very hard and...
View more questions Search
|
