[Rosebud13]

Dear Shannon,

I'm in a similar situation. I've been with my guy for almost 4 years now. For the first 3 1/2 years, it really upset me that he'd been with another girl in that way.. (and she was nasty and "loose" like your b/f's ex). It got so bad that I was crying myself to sleep almost every night thinking/obsessing about it, and my boyfriend considered breaking up with me because he thought I'd be happier without him & that stress. I am saving myself until after we get married, and it hurts that he didn't have that same consideration for his future wife, even if he didn't know who she'd be. I always wanted someone who was a virgin, and who respected himself and his future wife enough to save that special experience just for that one person.

Unfortunately, he is not a virgin, and I was completely in love with him before I found that out, too. It will always hurt me, and part of me will always feel like "another notch in his belt," or like I'm in second-place, you know? I hate the thought that his future experiences with me might jog memories of her, and the act itself is now less special because he's been there & done that. But I have to see past that in order to be happy with this man. He doesn't treat me like another notch in his belt-- he treats me like I'm in first place, and no one else could even come close enough to compare to me. He is now nearly-perfect except for this flaw, and I've always known that he's the one for me. He is very sorry about his past, and he regrets it. He wishes he'd never done it, because it didn't help to make him a better person at all. Doing that just propelled him further into his past icky lifestyle. But he apologizes for it every time it creeps up on me, and he assures me that although I might not be his only one ever, I'm the only one who is actually special to him in that way. He did things with her because of peer pressure and his insecurity, but he will do that with me because he loves me & we will be completely committed to each other in marriage. I'm the one with whom that act will have real significance to him, and I'm the one with whom he will plan his future, have a family, and share his whole life. She was just a dirty speed bump, a stupid huge mistake. I had to learn to let him get up & stay up after tripping over her, let him brush that dirt off, and continue on with me.

I recently read a book ("Your Best Life Now" by Joel Osteen- maybe you should check it out), which helped me learn to be better at forgiving. It's the only way to get past this sticky point. Actually, after reading that book & forgiving him, our relationship was suddenly so much happier and more loving that he proposed to me! You have to forgive your b/f, and distract yourself when you start thinking about the fact that he's been there with someone else. I think there will always be a bit of resentment there--I know it's always there with me-- but you have to look past it. It will come up on you from time to time, but talk to him about it and allow him to reassure you. Let his honest words touch your heart.

If you're Christian, perhaps getting baptized will help. My fiancé and I will be doing this sometime before we get married. I know it's just symbolic, but if you get baptized together, maybe it'll be easier to remind yourself to forgive him each time those thoughts creep up on you. It will symbolize the cleansing of his body & soul after mistreating them by being with that other girl, and it will symbolize ultimate loving forgiveness. If God can forgive that sin, shouldn't we try to do the same? Oh, and maybe after getting baptized, maybe you could try to abstain until you're married--just so that it can have a little more significance when you are married.:)

My sister also made a good point one time when I was crying about this: No one can change the physical fact that he's not a virgin, but isn't a change of heart more important? My fiancé loves me, he sees his mistakes for what they are, and he has repented them.

I'm sorry this post is so long... I just know where you're coming from. I hope you can let it go enough so that you can be happy with your boyfriend. Forgiveness is a humbling thing. It's so difficult, but so worth just swallowing your pride and forgiving his huge mistake (keyword: mistake).

[shannon08]

If God can forgive that sin, shouldn't we try to do the same? Oh, and maybe after getting baptized, maybe you could try to abstain until you're married--just so that it can have a little more significance when you are married.




Wow.no its okay that it was a long blog.or whatever. I accually started to tear up. The whole forgiving thing is true. Yes he's done that and been there. And he says to me "shannon i was 16.young.stupid and in highschool" and he's right... since him and I have known each other for the longest time. Him and I are really serious. I mean yes I'm 18.. young I no.but that's where you start. I love him and he loves me.. he tells me he didn't feel like this to anyone even her{the person he lost his virginity to} he wants to get engaged within the next year or 2 because we both want to be with each other. As you said you used to stay up crying... I used to do that all the time.ALL THE TIME... I used to say to him I can't do it anymore and he would cry. I mean cry. And all I would do is cry to because without him I was really depressed. When my boyfriend went to bootcamp for the coast guard in the time he was there . I broke it off with him to clear my mind. Yes I changed things to let the fact he was in another serious relationship and lost his virginity to her. But I stopped crying at night... and after being on this website for like 3 or 4 days. All of your post really turned me in a diff. direction. You and this KP person really helped me out. Especially you because you went through it. And I'm finally healing. I really love the idea of the baptized situation. And staying abstain. Until we are married... and I'm going to go to barns and noble on my day off to look for this book! This should even help me more. And what I wanted to say to you is.. if you can do it. I can do it. And like I said this website was like a huge 360 spin for me. When the KP person wrote that to.. saying it was about me, not him. Not her... its true. She was his past and I don't have to live with it. Its my choice to be with him and we really love each other to make it work. I'm the one making her present when I shouldn't. So lately since this site. I haven't thought about her.. as much. Yeah its not going to heal in a week.but in time it will and I'm FINALLY GETTING THERE!! So thank you for your advice and helping me out so much. CONGRATS on your engagement. My sis just got engaged too.its very exciting!! :)

[kp2171]

most of us who have any kind of decent answer did not receive divine wisdom from the heavens.

we stepped in emotional "crap", probably many times over.

eventually you get tired of the mistakes you make and you modify your behavior. Or you keep stepping in it...

the suggestion to read through books is great. Don't be a person who tries to live your life by the latest "survey" in a mag... don't overanalyze things when sometimes the simplest answer is best... but reading about relationships from different perspectives helps you see with a greater vision. Another book I've been recommending is Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages... talks about how people express commitment to each other, but sometimes fail to see the actions the other is taking. Easy read. Simple enough. Easy to apply to how you approach your mate and how you can understand his and your natural needs, desires, and expressions of love in a relationship.

[shannon08]

All right ill have to take a look at them!

[BetrayalBtCamp]

Again, got to agree with KP! I also highly recommend the Five Love Languages as well as Chapman's Apology book.

Being the right partner is as important as finding the right partner. I posted a lot of wonderful resources that you could check out on the "ready for marriage?" thread posted here:

[https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marriage/ready-get-married-251408.html

[shannon08]

Hey everyone! I just wanted to let you all know your advice is really all working.and I'm doing so much better.when I start thinking about her. I just have faith with god and I just go on the website and read all of what you guys wrote to me! So I'm "healing"! Thanks everyone. Sorry I don't write much. Ill be back I fyou respond! Thanks again

Shannon