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bigdee · Sep 16, 2008, 02:27 PM

The key to drop the thoughts is to pick up something else that will occupy them. And it's got to be something you really enjoy, but just never got around to doing. Doing something for the sake of doing something will not help. Try a few things and once you find something you like, run with it!

wikedjuggalo · Sep 16, 2008, 02:28 PM

If I had not found this site, I do not know where I'd be at this point, probably sitting here still crying and calling and wondering why.

cowboyjai · Sep 16, 2008, 02:29 PM

You will man! Don't worry! All you need to is stick to that desire to lose them and you will!

Reading the stories here, the difference between those who heal and those who don't (imo) is that the healed WANT to get over it. They keep the mindset that though the ex is gone, they want to feel better.

Ride this out man. I guarantee it ALL goes eventually.

cowboyjai · Sep 16, 2008, 02:42 PM

Also something to think about - when I broke up I knew mutual friends would talk about it eventually. And when they did, I made sure as **** it wouldn't be along the lines of "jai took it really hard and he's broken and depressed and he cried a lot." duck that for a dollar. I took that happy face and made it real. I wanted anything the mutuals reported to be good - that I was fine, maybe even better, and living it up. It gave me a burning desire - I got everything else in my life in order. And now no one can touch me. Not her, certainly not her friends :) Nobody will ever be able to take me that low again. My promise to myself and the world at large. Like I said bro... the pain? It ALL goes eventually.

BrewCrew0981 · Sep 16, 2008, 02:59 PM

I hear you. The one big thing I took away from this whole thing, is not to shun your friends because you are in a relationship. All of our "mutual" friends sided with her and won't talk to me, and all of my old friends either don't care anymore, moved away, or are still jaded I chose her over them a LONG time ago. So, I'm struggling with REALLY being alone.

cowboyjai · Sep 16, 2008, 03:17 PM

Word to that man. Word to that. I'm stillsurprised all of mine came round (I basically spam
Txted everybody and they all bit). Friends will be there when partners won't. I know that now and I'd walk through fire for any of them.

BrewCrew0981 · Sep 17, 2008, 10:42 AM

Well, it took 2.5 days, but the storm passed and I'm better now. At least for a few days. I just now keep telling myself there is absolutely nothing I can do to make her feel differently towards me, or make her stop calling/dating other guys. Absolutely nothing.

wikedjuggalo · Sep 17, 2008, 11:44 AM

Originally Posted by cowboyjai

You will man! Don't worry! All you need to is stick to that desire to lose em and you will!

Reading the stories here, the difference between those who heal and those who don't (imo) is that the healed WANT to get over it. They keep the mindset that though the ex is gone, they want to feel better.

Ride this out man. I guarantee it ALL goes eventually.

That is exactly how I feel atm. I do not want the pain anymore I am letting go, She does not love me anymore so I should not waste my feelings on someone who does not love me back. It may have meant something at the time but now it has changed and I accept that fact for what it is. I enjoyed the year and half but now its time to move on.

bigbird213 · Sep 17, 2008, 12:02 PM

Brew,

Take this how you will, but I know from my experience that when things happen, such as finding out she is talking/dating someone else, it almost has an effect of making you stronger in NC. I can tell you that when I found out my ex was dating someone else, it bugged me quite a bit of a few days, but after I got over it, you realize that you don't have to worry about finding that out anymore.

Its about as close as "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" as you can get. Once you work through it, and do it without overreacting or making bad decisions, you are better equipped to handle NC and anything that comes up in the future...

There's your silver lining :)

BrewCrew0981 · Sep 18, 2008, 10:43 AM

So, I've actually been doing a lot of thinking these past 7 weeks we've been over. I've been thinking of sending my ex a letter via snail mail.

Let me start by saying, I have NO intention of getting her back with this letter. I do NOT care if she spits on it and tosses it in the trash. The reason I would do it, is for me to just let go. Write out stuff that wasn't said (last time we talked was in a fight where we both just stormed out, haven't spoken since). And then just leave it at that and move on. No regret, no worrying about stuff I wanted to say but didn't. I don't even expect a response from her.

Stupid move? Good move it it helps me move on? Other thoughts? You huys have been the voice of reason for me in this very difficult time. I'm sure you can shred some ray of truth to this as well.

bigbird213 · Sep 18, 2008, 10:48 AM

Errrmm...

Write the letter sure. It will probably help you feel better about the things your thinking. Sending the letter - I think that's a different story. It might be best to write the letter and burn it, or send it to yourself or even post it up on here. In fact, there is a thread for writing letters to your exs. I'm not sure you want to risk opening up the lines of communication again... Best to let sleeping dogs lie...

talaniman · Sep 18, 2008, 12:15 PM

Here is a good place for that letter.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs+to+our+exes

bigdee · Sep 18, 2008, 12:41 PM

BrewCrew - I know exactly how you feel. Because I was thinking the same thing. Check this out:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-246366.html

The advice I got was the same. And I listened. And now looking back, I'm glad I listened.

BrewCrew0981 · Sep 18, 2008, 07:06 PM

Thanks for the tips guys. But, after a "friend" (or an ahole friend of hers, should I say) blurted out how much fun and how much sex she is having with some guy she isn't even "with", that put the whole lid on that plan. I'm not mad, not sad, just.. I don't know. It sucks, but at least I know it's over, and my false hope is now all but gone. So, I guess I can look at it in that good way.

wikedjuggalo · Sep 18, 2008, 07:30 PM

Originally Posted by BrewCrew0981

Thanks for the tips guys. But, after a "friend" (or an ahole friend of hers, should I say) blurted out how much fun and how much sex she is having with some guy she isn't even "with", that put the whole lid on that plan. I'm not mad, not sad, just.. I dunno. It sucks, but at least I know it's over, and my false hope is now all but gone. So, I guess I can look at it in that good way.

Man I feel you. At least you can let go of that false hope that no matter what seems to stick around. Its for the best and do not fight life instead jump into it.

BrewCrew0981 · Sep 18, 2008, 08:08 PM

Yeah, I know there is no hope and that there is nothing I can do about it. I'm sure I'll be depressed for at least a couple days, and then decide to start fresh.

busterite · Sep 19, 2008, 02:39 AM

Like in your situation all of our common friends have taken her side (partly because she hasn't told people that she cheated on me) and I have therefore, been excluded from a group of friends that I have known since high school. We live abroad and unfortunately all of my best friends moved back home after we were done with college. Being excluded from your social circle sucks (possibly even more than breaking up) but I like to believe that when one door closes another opens. I suggest you see this as an opportunity to go out and meet new people or even make the effort to reconnect with your old friends (it is never too late). I do get times where I feel depressed but this happens when I am alone and get bored and start thinking how much better it would be if she was here. But I then remind myself why she is not and force myself to get up and do something (either meet up with a friend, go to the gym, basically anything). I agree that the way she dealt with all this was completely wrong but for your own good don't continue her work, because now you are the only one that can hurt yourself. Just say to yourself that you refuse to get depressed over someone that deals with this whole situation in such an immature way.

BrewCrew0981 · Sep 19, 2008, 10:43 AM

I hear you on the friends portion, buster. I wish I hadn't left them all, and the friends I thought I had, weren't really my friends to begin with. I've been working with social anxiety my entire life, and I'm better than I used to be when I was a wee tyke. I have only 2 friends (literally, no exaggeration) right now, so at least they help keep me busy 2 or 3 days out of the week. The weekends are the hardest. So, I'm still struggling to meet new people, but I know if I put my mind to it, I can accomplish anything.

BrewCrew0981 · Sep 22, 2008, 06:09 PM

So, today is her birthday. While I'm down, I've done well in controlling contacting her, even if it's just to say Happy Birthday. I know she won't care. She's out drinking it up with her friends and new guy. I know she isn't thinking about me. No point in me thinking about her.

bigdee · Sep 22, 2008, 09:12 PM

Hang in there! It was my ex's birthday a few weeks ago. Had to resist the itch... actually your reply to my post back then helped me resist!

Anyway its tough but keep it up!