[wondering30sma]

All,

I have been dating a wonderful, amazing, beautiful woman for the past 8 months. She is a single mom and it was spectacular. We have an amazing relationship. As our relationship started to develop so did our love for each other and we were constantly saying we made a great team, and we still do make a great team. Lately she has been feeling the pressure of me and the kids, "turning it on and off". She also wonders what we want with this relationship. We have discussed things and I have told her I know what it means to be involved and that I loved us. She never really bought that (believing I knew what it meant), she is also older then me by a few years and I have never been married, and have no kids. I do accept I needed to do a better job at explaining it, and I did not. Well she recently asked for a break and time to think. She made it clear that she LOVED me, and that we were great, and that I gave her butterflies. I responded that I did not agree and was saddened but I would respect her decision because I loved her. She responded that she loved me and I left it as that!

That was a week and 1/2 ago and I did not further contact, last night she messaged me (instant) and we had a light and breezy I'm conversation. It was tough for me, because I wanted to ask her when we would talk etc, but I know she/we need this time to think and get past our fears, she needs to miss me and believe me, I am in it for the long haul. I have been torn up, and it hurts. She used the word "babe" twice last night, in direct reference. I took last night as a sign she missed me. I just don't know what to do... it hurts because it was soooo right. Do I play it cool, allow her to contact me as she wishes, I do believe she loves me, and loves us and will want to date again, I am very confident in that thought, but it still hurts. I love her that much!

[Ash123]

So far you are doing the right thing.

Some questions based on experience:

1. would you marry her tomrrow?
2. does she find ways to have time to herself and save time for you too?
3. can you take care of the group financially - or at least 50%?

A single mom is a bundle of nerves - some more than others! But the thing is she needs to feel like you have your own life, she can be herself, the kids love you, and you can take care of them... that's a lot!

So,

[wondering30sma]

Thanks for that. Too answer all your questions, yes I would marry her tomorrow. Yes I would be willing and could support them 50%, and yes I have my own life and she knows that. And I WOULD allows support her own life.

I also went to that link and it makes great sense and I answer yes to THEM All.

I am not just saying this, I have had time to think. I am confident in our space, and I'm confident that this relationship is one to wait for and fight for. I think she is a bundle of nerves, and to be honest every guy previous has left her (father) or been a complete fraud (exhusband and a fiancee). She has done the raising on her own, not just of herself but her kids. She relied on no one.

Just thinking about her makes me smile. I love her, and hope she sees how much she misses me and loves me.

[Ash123]

How many kids?

What does she do for a living herself?

A "bundle of nerves" is tough, unless it's just this situation that is making her this way.

[wondering30sma]

3 kids, aged 16 to 8.

She is a nurse, just moved actually, started a new job a month ago. She has career ambissions. I think she is nervous that one day I would grow up to leave her since I am younger. I have NEVER given her that idea in 8 months, but based on history. And I AM not like the others. Which is why I think our relationship was so great. We worked through any issues, but she told me she did not want me to settle for anything less then what I deserved (her words).

[Ash123]

How well do the kids know you?

How much is the ex in her life?

Does he contribute and get along with you as well? What's the dynamic?

[wondering30sma]

They got to know me well actually, starting July 4th. We tried to shield them from our relationship but I think they caught on to be honest, at least the eldest. And I do believe this contributed to her wanting a break, she told me she could not turn it on and off, and that we probably went to fast with them involved. It was both our faults and I told her I would step back and avoid that again until we were ready. And she agreed. Several days later she asked for the break and time to think.

[Ash123]

Well, that seems normal. But a lot to take in for her.

A lot of times, there is also the ex factor...

Is her ex playing a part in her "nerves"?

Is he close with kids? Does she want to intro you if he is?

I mean all these things are part of the "nerve" package... she waited a long time to let you meet kids, so she's being careful for both of you perhaps.

[wondering30sma]

The ex is a dead beat, she lets him be involved because she knows its important to her kids. But it is not a good subject for her, and she is very very LEARY of him. She does not trust him and he is most definitely a negative aspect of her kids. I have not met him, I only give her supprt and listen to her.

She was also burned after she divorced him. She dated and was engaged with a guy whom she gave everything too and it turned out he was living a double life and was married with kids.

And thank you for helping and listening by the way, if for anything I can get my feelings on paper.

[Ash123]

My advice is go slow and when the time comes to step up - do it.

I am not 100% on this woman yet though.

Is she stable? Take medications? Why does she have such a crazy history?

This is serious and it may or may not work out... you could get caught up in a lot of drama. So, be clear as you can be at all times about the situ. With yourself...

[wondering30sma]

Not sure with what you mean,, go slow and when the time comes step up.. remember we are in a break and I'm giving her time. She reached out last night and it was fine, who knows when it will happen again.

She does not take medications, she is stable. She works her butt off and is such a great person to be with. I HAVE no money to offer her, so that is not an option, and it shows me (by her taking a break) that she cares enough for me, to put a stop to something if she needs to fix or think of other things. Her father was never around when she grew up.. I think that may have hurt her...

[Ash123]

Money is not everything. But it is when there is a family to raise. So, another factor.

Good she is stable. But I think the break is GOOD.

You are taking on a lot. So, take your time...

Final questions:

1. has she reconciled with father? Is he a good role model?
2. are the kids well-adjusted?
3. is the ex out of the picture?
4. if you have no money to offer, what job can you get to make more?
5. are you comfortable being 4th in line at all times?
6. do your parents want to meet her?
7. where will you all live if you reunite?

This is all part of the picture of what you are about to do or not do...

Good luck.

[wondering30sma]

I meant I don't have that kind of money,, you know gold digger type, interested in the money. Yes I can provide and will when needed.

No she has not reconciled with her dad and will never. The kids are great, honestly they are very obedient, courteous and well behaved. Ex (husband) is involved with the kids but is a source of aggrevation for her.
I understand her priorities and accept that. Yes my folks do want to meet her and she has met some of my friends, my sister and brother in law, my cousin and his wife, and my uncle and his wife. I'm not planning on moving just yet, I live 2 hours away, and we can do that for a while. If she is interested I would locate closer, if she and I decided it was best.

[Ash123]

Well, she has a lot on her plate... mentally and physically. Go slow. And be ready should you need to step up. She doesn't want to make a mistake so is making sure.

If you live 2 hours away, how are you maintaining a relationship?

Did she want you to move closer or not?

[wondering30sma]

I am sorry I just do not get the "be ready to step up" comment you keep giving. M I missing something?

She moved in July, and prior to that lived a 1/2 hour away. We saw each other at least 3-4 times a week and it was never too much. I travel a lot with work in the summer and fully supported her during her move in which she thanked me. When I was back I would drive to her place and stay the night. We tried to be sneaky with the kids, i.e... me sleeping somewhere else until they were asleep and I would move back or leave in the morning.

In our "break" talk she said a long distance relationship was not in our cards, but we both know that was just an excuse. We would have continued to see each other 3-4 times a week. That I am sure of. I would have done what I had to to make it happen, and she would have as well.

I know she has a lot on her plate, and I realize that it is big. Why would she instant message me and then disappear again. And m I wrong to think she misses me, and that her using the word babe, is something positive towards me?

[Ash123]

I think she misses you but that does not solve a lot of things...

She is going to need to do this on her time schedule.

To be honest, I am more concerned about you... as is SHE.

The fact is, you are a single guy that may or may not fit into her life... that's why she is stepping back... not much more than that... so, try to be realistic and decide if this REALLY makes sense. That's what she is doing... if it does -and she decides yes... no need to force her and bug her, but if she decides yes, what I meant by step up was -- you will need to be ready to be a step-father and a bread winner on HER terms...

Good luck. Not ideal. But may be if it works for both of you.

[wondering30sma]

I had the same feeling that this was more about me and my space then her. I think she truly wants me to think about things and understand ALL that is involved. Truly trying to figure out if this is what I want in my life. I love her, I love her life, I accept and support what she needs to do. I have thought about this for the past week and a half. I know that is not much time and I will continue to think about it.

Any tips for me??

[talaniman]

I have one, be patient! I think she needs this break to slow things down, and take it more objectively, and honestly 8 months, is kind of to soon to rush into anything, since she is twice burned, and no doubt, her kids and career are a priority.

Since your still having contact with her, take it as an opportunity to impress her, and show her your best side, but relationship talk is out of the question, as that is pressure she doesn't need, and better to let her miss you, and give her something positive to look forward to.

I think she would be open to contact from you, if you can put the deep stuff aside, and keep it very light, and friendly, and brief, but not now though. Show rather than tell her your glad she called, when, and if she does.

I think she is interested, but cautious, and rightfully so. Its important to be more than patient, as understanding, is a key thing. Its only been 8 months, and that's still date and have fun getting to know each other and pushing for a decision, or trying to define this relationship to get more from her, is not fair, nor possible. Be nice, and be patient, and let her get comfortable in her own time. That's why she told you of her past. Balance your life with other activities.

[talaniman]

In our "break" talk she said a long distance relationship was not in our cards,

Pay attention to this as you can't dismiss how she feels as not being important. To her it is and is something you may need to think about in the future.

When I was back I would drive to her place and stay the night. We tried to be sneaky with the kids, i.e... me sleeping somewhere else until they were asleep and I would move back or leave in the morning.

Have you been intimate with her?? If you have that would be a great reason for her to back off, and gather her feelings, and be realistic about going forward with you.

Don't just accept, and respect her decision, you need to understand why she feels as she does. You need that insight.

[Romefalls19]

I can kind of relate to this situation extremely closely as the girl I am dating has 2 kids of her own from a prior relationship. A constant overlook that people have is she not only is looking out for herself, but also her kids. That is a HUGE point she has to think about, how it will affect them and their relationship.

My girlfriend is also a few years older than me, when I first met her 2 kids(5 and 3) I was introduced as a friend. Simply to break them into someone new in their life, me and her showed NO affection in front of them until they started warming up to me. About a month and a half after meeting the kids she asked how they felt about me being mommy's boyfriend. They were fine with it and said "cool." Even after that, we still slowly breaking them into the whole affection game, until the youngest caught on and now thinks it's funny to see us kiss. They stay over at my house every once in awhile as I will sometimes babysit for her while she is at work.

My advice, take the situation very slow as they cannot be rushed. She has a lot to think about and any parent will put their children first. Always try to make it known about the kids, ask how they are, how school is, stuff like that. If you don't bring it up the parent may think you are in denial about it and not in it for the long run.