You resent him and you don't even want to look at him, be near him, and certainly you don't want to have sex with him... powerful words.
Ready to read a novel? I'm not frugal with words. Sorry its going to be a long post.
So, what have you talked about concerning this topic? Are you just letting it fester or have you had a discussion about this? What was said?
How old are the kids? Were they in any programs during the summer to keep them busy? Will they be in school soon?
You both need some
structure in your day. This means some balance on both sides, and a clear understanding of who does what. I know you want him to do this intuitively, but some people are "wired" differently and some things, like housework, isn't instinctive.
You don't need a fight... but you do need to talk and have your frustrations heard. And he needs to give his perspective and be given a chance to change his behavior.
An example. When I married my wife shed been a single mother for 12 years, never married. Soon after marrying she dumped the finances in my lap. She was tired of dealing with them and wanted me to keep things in check. It was an ugly first year.
I had no understanding of what all the expenses were... who had a birthday when... when were dance class fees due... etc. took some time to understand I needed more info and structure. What we did... set up two bank accounts, one for fixed expenses (mortgage, phone, etc) and one for discretionary cash. Before each upcoming month we talk about what events are happening. Is there a party coming up? A trip? Anything not on the calendar.
Structure and expectations were laid out, and we didn't fight again about money.
Same thing happened with household work. I didn't teach in the summer and was able to stay home with my 1 year old. My wife would come home from work and the place would be trashed. It was unsettling for her to just come in the door, as there was no place for peace. I didn't mean to frustrate her. I was with mr drippy/sticky/cranky all day and between playing with him, feeding him, and changing him I thought I was giving him the attention he needed.
So again, more structure was required and a simple discussion about how she felt and how I felt and what needed to be done. She is wired for lists... structure. She gets things done by checking things off one by one. Its second nature to her.
Me... I putter around things and sometimes get things half done if I don't have a design, a plan, a timeline. Lists help me too, but they were not intuitive. So we set up a household cleaning schedule with notecards on a ring. On monday: change and wash the bed sheets, make beds, kitchen cleanup, bathroom mirrors, sink, and fixtures cleaned... etc. it honestly helps. Instead of waiting until you are disgusted with the bathroom, now there are scheduled days when it gets regular attention. This also allowed us to program more cleaning into the weekdays or nights and left less on the weekend.
So it took discussion. I knew that no matter what I was doing with my son, at 4PM it was time to start picking things up. A little structure goes a long way.
You also need some structure. You are grinding your way through this work, but you never leave work... one of the hard things about working at home. And then the double whammy is the house isn't tended too, so you are feeling like you always have a double shift hanging over you. Not enjoying your home the way you should, most likely.
So you might be working hard, but you also are missing some structure. You need to make time for yourself and you need to take it. Its funny how easy it is to not do this. I'm king of this. I might not have been the most organized about tasks, but id spend all my time puttering on things. So I felt I was always doing things (tho not focused enough on doing fewer things well and to completion) all the time so when was I going to get the time to take care of my needs?
Again, you need to program it into your life. Schedule that lunch out of the home, even if its 45 min in a park nearby. Decide what realistic hours you are on the job and when you punch out. Don't work a lot of extra time because he "wont"... if you need him to take on some tasks, decide what those need to be and then walk away from it. Giving him the chance to do the right thing means he understands what those things are and he knows there's no safety net... he does it or it doesn't get done and the consequences are clear.
I know it seems like more work for you... you are likely going to have to drive this reorganization and this change... long term, I think its worth the effort.
And problems in the bedroom can also be perceived completely differently. My wife is most receptive in the bedroom when everything else is taken care of... issues with sex are tied to issues elsewhere... work, being tired, some conflict were having... its not spiteful on her part, its just her reflex. When she is tense or uneasy, she's not interested.
Me... rome could be burning around me and intimate time in the bedroom would be welcomed. A healthy sex life cascades into all other areas of my life. When there is distance and a lack of interest, it changes the dynamic outside the bedroom. Ugly cycle if its not working.
So... I'm not saying you should have sex when you are this upset and not interested. But how does he interact with you and the kids? Does he sit next to you? Place his hands on your hands or body? Does he physically interact with the kids when playing? Hugs much?
If so, then physical touch is one way he clearly shows a loving commitment to you and others. Withdrawing too much can have a negative affect on his overall state.
You might check out The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Its an easy read, and talks about the different ways couples show commitment, but sometimes don't recognize it because you are speaking in different "dialects"... for ex, when my wife wanted Quality time, I thought she needed space alone to wind down from work, and I kept doing Acts of Service by puttering around the house continuing the tasks that weren't done. We both showed commitment, just in differect acts.
Understanding the different ways you show your mate commitment allows you to understand if you have balance or not... the more ways you support your relationship, the better it is if one area falls off for a time (ex physical touch drops because one partner is sick)...
So perhaps you can share this book. You read it first (and it won't take long) and then ask him to read it... telling him you've struggled with your work load and this book (most likely) helped you understand where things are stronger and where you need some help. Hopefully he will push through it and you can talk it out. Again, its not a tough or intimidating read... though it does give scenarios of couples who are struggling with communication, so that's a red flag for him that you are struggling some... but the truth is the truth, right?
Communication and structure, I think, are what you both need to turn a corner and leave this noise in the past.
And his working outside the home is another way to get programmed structure that you don't have to manage so much... just don't kick him out the door in anger. You'll still feel some resentment without solving some issues that need to be worked out. If you need him to work outside the home, OK... just make sure you address these issues and make it a choice that's not made in anger. If you really don't need the money, can he be more involved in local programs, mentoring, coaching, etc? Even those positions are not paid, they are worthwhile, fulfilling, and again, demand some commitment and structure.
A link to the book I mentioned:
Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate: Gary Chapman: Books